


Dead Silence

by Shadow15



Series: Trials [3]
Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Cancer, M/M, Major Illness, Multi, Polygamy, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2019-10-29 23:48:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 106,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17817845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shadow15/pseuds/Shadow15
Summary: Peter knows something is very wrong.  In the pit of his stomach, he can just feel it.  He's seen it before, starting with a headache - and Peter?  Well, Peter never really gets headaches.  The last thing he wants is to upset Steve and Thor.  But in the back of his mind, Peter knows what's coming.





	1. Chapter 1

The slow footfalls of someone descending the staircase was almost concerning for Steve; with one partner already left for work, and the other one hating early morning rises with a passion, Steve almost considered someone having broken into his house. 

“Steve…?” 

That was before Peter’s soft voice floated downstairs, and Steve recognised anxiety in his tone.  That alone sparked a new set of concerns in Steve, not knowing what could have upset Peter at six in the morning.  “In the living room, Peter.” 

Peter stumbled into the living room and made a beeline for Steve.  He rubbed at his eyes, his expression tired, but there were hints of a grimace that made Steve reach out and pull Peter onto the couch beside him.  

Peter dropped his head to Steve’s shoulder and tucked his knees to his chest, hugging them tight.  Steve could see his eyes were unfocused, and it frightened him. “Steve… I… I…”

Steve wrapped his arm around Peter’s shoulders and held onto him tight.  “What’s wrong, Peter?” 

Peter gave a soft whine.  He tried to hide a wince that had his body tensing tightly within his lover’s hold, but Steve didn’t miss it.  “...” 

“Are you sore?” Steve brushed unruly curls from Peter’s eyes.  It wasn’t a silly question; Peter had been worked hard in bed the night before, and it was possible someone had overdone it.  

Peter shook his head.  He played with the loose fabric of Steve’s shirt, admiring the way it clung tight to Steve’s muscled chest and defined his pectorals.  He hid his face against Steve’s arm and murmured, “Can you stay home today…?”

Steve ran his hand through Peter’s hair.  “Are you okay? What’s wrong?” 

“‘m scared…” Peter mumbled, never pulling his face from Steve’s arm.  

“Scared?” Steve frowned. It had been a while since Peter had acted out, so it concerned him greatly to see Peter behaving this way - for once, Steve knew he was acting out for something other than just being a brat.  

Peter nodded.  He moved closer, swinging his legs over Steve’s lap until he was curled up almost completely against the other man.  “Scared… Please? I just… I need someone with me…” 

Steve leant back against the couch.  Part of him wanted to scold and remind Peter that he was a grown man and could take care of himself - but the other part that knew Peter well told him something was really wrong, and Peter genuinely needed him.  

Steve leant forward and kissed Peter’s forehead, brushing stray curls out of Peter’s face.  “I will call Tony soon and see if he doesn’t mind. Can I do anything for you, Peter?” 

Peter shook his head.  Now that he was so close, Steve could make out a pale tinge to his face.  “Just wanna be close to you… What are you doing?” 

“Drawing.”  Steve reached for the sketchbook he had left beside him at Peter’s approach and opened it up to show Peter.  He was patient as his lover’s trembling fingers turned the pages slowly. “Do you like them?” 

Red dusted Peter’s cheeks now as he nodded and gave a shy smile.  He moved his head to rest it beneath Steve’s chin as he whispered, “Can you draw me a picture of Rocket…?” 

“Of course I will, Peter,” Steve murmured.  “Sit beside me, okay?” 

Peter did as he was told. He snuggled in beneath Steve’s arm, his head resting against Steve’s rib cage so he could watch the way the pencil moved against the paper.  

But Peter, who couldn’t fight against the sudden wave of fatigue that overwhelmed him, had fallen asleep once more.  

Steve let Peter be.  He finished the multiple sketches of Rocket and left the book on the coffee table for Peter to look at when he woke up, and with that, he went back upstairs to get ready for his day.  

Steve didn’t take long to shower and get dressed.  He’d combed his hair and done some push ups before leaving the bedroom again, going downstairs to check on Peter and tell him how Tony had said he could have the day off.  

It was when Steve walked past the kitchen did he realise Peter was already awake and rummaging through the cupboards.  He hadn’t thought much of it; figured Peter was just making breakfast, but that was before he saw Peter searching through the small container they kept their medicines in. 

Steve went to say something, but instead he opted for watching what Peter was getting into.  He frowned when Peter pulled away a box of morphine that was supposed to have been thrown away long ago, and finally, he interjected. 

“I don’t know what’s hurting you, Peter, but that’s morphine and you can’t have it.”  Steve pretended not to have noticed the way Peter jumped and tried to hide the medication behind his back.  

Peter looked away, chewing at his lip as his facial expressions contorted into pain.  “...” 

Steve lowered his voice, and as gently as he could, he asked, “Where are you hurting, Peter?”

Peter refused to look away from his feet for the longest time before finally, he mumbled, “H-headache…” 

Steve nodded.  He reached into the medicine box and pulled out the Aspirin.  He said nothing as he filled a glass with water and opened the packet to dissolve the tablet in it; he simply handed the glass to Peter and murmured, “See if this helps instead.” 

Peter hesitated to accept the glass.  But eventually, his face twisted greatly with pain, and he reached out to take it and drink the water.  

“Tell me if it still hurts,” Steve murmured.  Peter only stared at him before he dragged his feet from the room and went back to the couch to lay down. 

Steve sighed.  He didn’t understand what had happened; it had been as if Peter was adamant in Steve not knowing he wasn’t feeling so well.  

But Steve couldn’t think on it too long; his phone was ringing, and Steve had a busy day ahead of him now that he didn’t have to go into work.

* * *

 

“Steve…” There was an irritable pout on Peter’s face, but no matter how long Steve stared at him in expectation for an explanation of his grumbling, Peter stayed quiet.  He huffed when Steve turned away from him to look back at the cashier, and with a tug to Steve’s jacket, he whined louder. “Ste~eve!”

Steve sighed.  He took Peter’s hand in his and squeezed, but he otherwise ignored his lover in favour of continuing his talk with the cashier.  “It would be for our shed, so it needs to be big. What measurements do the shelves come in?” 

“Well, sir, we have - is he okay?” The young girl frowned at the way Peter had pressed himself fully against Steve’s back, with one hand tearing chunks out of his hair and his other clawing at his face. 

Steve turned around and put his hands on Peter’s shoulders. “Peter?  What’s wrong?” 

Peter let out a loud whine, keening as if he were in some sort of agony.  “Ste~eve!”

Steve would be lying if he said he hadn’t already been worried about Peter today.  Peter’s sweet personality had twisted steadily into irritableness throughout the day, and now  _ this _ ...  “Peter?” 

A single tear rolled down Peter’s cheek as he pressed himself against Steve again, but he didn’t speak, he just let out low whines, as if whatever was wrong with him was coming in waves.  

Steve turned back to the cashier, his expression full of concern.  “I’m so sorry; I’ll come back.” 

Peter moved when he felt Steve’s heavy body nudging him away from the counter and in the direction of the exit.  He cracked open an eyelid and swiped his hand at his mouth when he felt something wet drip against his top lip. 

Peter keened loudly at the blood on the back of his hand, having dribbled out of his nose and down his chin.  He couldn’t express what was wrong with him; all he knew was that his head was hurting him, and he couldn’t think outside of the pain.  

Steve had seen the blood come away on Peter’s hand. He’d seen it, but before he could say or do anything about it, he felt Peter’s weight drop, and a crash from beside him had Steve’s heart stopping. 

“Peter!” Steve dropped to his knees to gather his lover’s head into his hands and lift it from where it had smashed into the corner of one of the checkout desks.  Steve’s heart was hammering now. He did his best to pretend his hands weren’t quickly soaking in warm blood from where Peter had hit his head, and instead he looked around desperately.  “Someone call an ambulance!” 

Peter didn’t move for what had felt like an eternity to Steve, but he came around eventually, whimpering softly and refusing to move until the paramedics had arrived and gotten him into the back of the ambulance for a check over.  

Steve stayed with Peter, chewing at his nails as he listened to the paramedics talking, asking Peter questions, until finally they had decided he was simply concussed and told Steve to keep a close eye on him. 

Steve didn’t like the paramedics dismissing Peter so easily.  He’d thought they’d have at least transported him to the hospital for a proper check over - but honestly, with Peter laying on the stretcher looking miserable, Steve wondered if it was for the best; Peter couldn’t stand hospitals, and there would only be an ensuing tantrum had the ambulance tried to take him. 

“I’ll take him home now and let him rest,” Steve promised.  In the back of his mind, he wondered if he was doing the right thing; if he really should be taking Peter to the hospital, and if he should tell Thor what had happened.  

But honestly?  Steve wasn’t sure Peter was in any mood to be dragged to the hospitals he so greatly resented, and in his already distressed state, it could do more harm than good.  

And Thor…  It wouldn’t hurt Thor to tell him what had happened at a later date, would it?  Hopefully it had simply been a one-off thing, and Peter would be fine. 

But who was Steve kidding?  What he’d seen today  _ wasn’t  _ normal, and he knew he hadn’t seen the last of it.  Thor had to know, if only to be aware and keep an eye on Peter to make sure he didn’t get worse.

* * *

 

Steve chewed at his lip as he rode the elevator all the way to the top floor of the giant building Thor ran his company in.  He had been going over what to say in his head, still not sure if he was doing the right thing or not, but finally, once he’d gotten off the elevator and pushed open the double doors to his husband’s office, he knew he had no choice but to come right out with it.  

“Steven!” Thor had abandoned his desk in favour of getting up and wrapping his arms around Steve in a bone-crushing hug.  When he pulled away, he donned his usual puppy-dog smile as he cocked his head to the side and asked, “I thought you were at work?” 

Steve sighed. He put his hand on Thor’s shoulder to try and calm him down.  They were alone, and that was a good thing; he didn’t want to have to speak about Peter in front of anyone else.  “I’m worried about Peter.” 

Thor’s happy expression vanished, and concern took its place. He reached out to take Steve’s hand and murmur, “Did something happen, Steven?  Should I tell Loki to take over for me so I can come home?” 

Steve shook his head.  As gently as he could, he said, “I’ve been looking after him, Thor.  Promise me when you get home, you won’t harass him to go to the hospital.  We’ve already spoken about it together and he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to go; he just wants to stay home with us.” 

Thor shifted his weight on his feet anxiously.  “Steven, if Peter is not well, I will come home right away to take care of him.” 

“Thor, I think he’s okay for now; he’s in bed and he was fast asleep when I checked on him.  ...He was… getting headaches.” 

Thor visibly relaxed now, and the breath he let out was enough to loosen his tense shoulders.  He sounded remarkably chipper now as he stated, “Oh, Peter has never liked headaches. I see now.  Did you give him painkillers, Steven?” 

“He’s had Aspirin,” Steve promised.  “...But… He collapsed today while we were at the hardware store.  He was acting very strange all day, then he started getting irritated, and he…  Thor, please don’t bother him about it; he just wants to be left alone.” 

Thor looked as torn as Steve had expected him to be, all hints of his prior happiness gone.  His face twisted in sadness as he moved back to sit at his desk, staring at his lap as he contemplated things.  Finally, he looked up and met Steve’s gaze again. “If Peter gets worse, you will take him to the hospital, Steven…?  If I am not there, I mean.” 

Steve didn’t hesitate to nod.  “You know I will, Thor. You know I will.” 

Thor relaxed slightly.  “Good. Because if anything happened to Peter, I would be heartbroken.” 

“I know, Thor.  I know.” And Steve  _ did  _ know, because he would be devastated too if something were to ever happen to Peter. 


	2. Chapter 2

“You know Quill won’t lay off the painkillers, right?” 

Steve dropped his pen to the desk to glare at Tony.  He chewed at his lip in irritation as he tried to wipe away the ink smudges from the documents he’d been signing.  He couldn’t keep the bitterness out of his tone now as he stood up from his chair and moved from his desk to walk around the office instead.  “Thanks for that, Tony; as if we’re not already considering putting the medicine cabinet on lockdown.” 

Tony moved out of the doorway so he could close the door and sit at the desk.  He dropped his chin into his palm so he could watch Steve rummage through his filing cabinets in search of something in a manner that seemed so agitated, Tony was concerned.  “So, what’s his deal? He’s been off all day.” 

“He hasn’t been well,” Steve muttered.  “Damnit, Tony, you said you’d get me more printing paper yesterday!” 

“Ooh, grumpy.” Tony gestured lazily to the storage closet to his right.  “Did you bother checking at all?” 

Steve held his breath in annoyance as he stomped to the closet door.  He gave a heavy sigh and allowed his shoulders to slump as he reached in to take the box of printing paper and bring it to his desk.  “Sorry, Tony… Things have just been a bit stressful for us; we’re trying to fix up Thor’s parents’ home but it’s like nothing ever goes right with it.  Then there’s Peter, too; we don’t know what’s wrong with him, but he keeps trying to get at the Aspirin.”

“Take him to a doctor, Rogers.  I mean it; Bruce said he’s worried.”

“We’re trying to; he had another fall this morning.” Steve rubbed at his eyes, and it was now that Tony could see the exhaustion in his friend’s face.  “I was going to take him after work, but Thor needs me to be at his parents’ house for repairs today.” 

“Fuck Thor; go take Quill to a doctor, Rogers.” 

Steve sighed.  He gestured to his abandoned paperwork and asked, “Can you sign the rest of these for me?  I’ll try and find someone to see him today.” 

Tony wasted no time in gathering up the documents into his arms so he could say, “Let me know what the doctor says.” 

“Thanks, Tony; you’re the best.” 

As expected, it wasn’t hard for Steve to gather Peter up and take him out to the car.  Peter, for all his agitation as of late, was sweet once they’d gotten into the car and relaxed again. 

“Look what Bruce gave me, Steve.” Peter held up the plastic bag Steve had been suspicious of for their entire walk. He reached inside to pull out an old cassette tape and show it to Steve. “He said he was cleaning out Stark’s stuff and he found a bunch of old music and said I could have them.” 

Steve smiled, just glad that his friends were warming up to Peter.  He reached across to put his hand on his lover’s knee and rub. “They’re good people, Peter.  They like you.” 

Peter nodded.  He reached down to unclip his Walkman from his belt and put one of his new tapes in it instead.  “Are you gonna go back to the house again today?”

Steve nodded.  “Yes, a bit later.  I’m going to take you to see a doctor first.”

Peter gave an uncomfortable whine, but he didn’t otherwise say anything; he just turned his Walkman up and put his headphones on.  Steve suspected he was just too tired to argue - and that made sense, because Steve knew Peter kept waking up in the night lately. 

As Steve had hoped Peter would do so, Peter hadn’t protested against this sudden development and, once they’d reached the shopping centre and parked the car, followed along behind Steve obediently. 

It had been lucky Tony had let them leave when they had, because for a doctor’s clinic that was usually busy, there had been a cancellation for an hour’s time Peter had been booked in for instead.  They filled their time in with shopping, Peter quiet as he hummed along to his new tunes while Steve browsed for new work shoes and a suit, but soon enough, their appointment arrived, and Steve almost didn’t notice he was holding his breath as the doctor examined Peter and asked him questions. 

“Is there any history of cancer in your family?” The doctor had asked it so kindly, Steve was almost startled by Peter’s response. 

“No!” Peter snapped.  His sudden aggression had vanished as quickly as it had arrived, and he had gone back to his sweet-natured self as he again cooperated calmly with the doctor.  

“I’m going to send you for some blood tests,” the doctor explained as he worked on printing off a form.  “In the meantime I will prescribe you some medication for the headaches.”

“What do you think it is?” Steve asked, not sure he wanted to hear the answer. 

“I’m not sure, but I don’t think it’s serious,” the man responded.  

Steve nodded, not satisfied, but not wanting to make a scene out of it in front of Peter who just looked so exhausted.  He wasn’t happy; every instinct in his body demanded he tell the doctor it  _ had  _ to be serious if Peter kept passing out and having falls - but whenever he looked at Peter and saw him looking so miserable, his headphones over his ears as he watched his legs swing back and forth, Steve couldn’t bring himself to cause his lover any more pain by starting a fight in front of him.   

It was after they’d left the clinic and started walking to the car lot did Steve ask, “Why did you snap at him, Peter?”

Peter gave a despondent shrug. His demeanour shifted into sadness again, and Steve let it go; hopefully Peter would be willing to talk when he was feeling better. 

“Alright. We’ll go get your blood tests done and then we’ll go to the house.  Okay?” 

Peter nodded.  He was silent for a few moments before he murmured, “Can I help?  At the house, I mean...” 

“Sure you can, Peter,” Steve promised.  “It’s a big job though.” 

“I don’t mind.” With that, Peter put his headphones back over his ears and hummed once more.  

* * *

 

Peter didn’t usually go to the mansion with Thor and Steve.  He tended to stay with his own circle of friends, enjoying their company until it was late and his lovers would no doubt have been home for a while already. 

It wasn’t that Peter didn’t like the mansion.  He liked it well enough; it was severely run down, but he liked the strange, alluring charm of something so abandoned.  

Peter supposed that what he didn’t like about the mansion was the fact that Thor’s sister was there as well.  

“Be careful where you’re walking, Peter.” Steve put his hand on Peter’s arm when Peter took a few steps away from him.  “The floors are very weak.” 

Peter nodded.  He kept his headphones firmly over his ears as he broke away from Steve’s side to explore the mansion.  He knew Thor was supposed to come out soon as well, but he didn’t know when that would be - in the meantime, Loki and Hela were there instead.  

It was Hela who found Peter first, and Peter wished he hadn’t wandered away from Steve when she closed the door to the room he had ventured into.  

“What are you doing off your leash?” A smirk crossed Hela’s face, and Peter found himself baring his teeth as his body tensed.  

“I’m not a fuckin’ dog!” Peter snapped.  

“Oh, really?  And here I thought you were nothing but a pet to my brother.” Hela’s smirk widened.  “He never spoke of you like you were anything  _ but  _ his pet.” 

“Fuck off!” 

“Or what?  Are you going to tell Thor on me?” Hela couldn’t help but laugh at her own mocking.  “You  _ do  _ realise Thor won’t side with  _ anyone  _ over his own family, right?” 

“That’s not true; he’s sided with me over Loki plenty of times!” 

Hela rolled her eyes.  “Only because Loki  _ thinks  _ he’s dangerous, but all he knows how to do is give a weak tongue lashing.  Sure, Thor might believe you if you tell him Loki called you a nasty name…” 

Peter stepped back to keep distance between them as Hela stalked towards him, her aura turning deadly. 

“...But if you say anything bad about someone in Thor’s family…” Hela was standing before Peter now, having backed him against the wall.  She reached out to cup Peter’s cheek in her palm as she sneered, “...Thor will  _ hurt  _ you.” 

Peter hissed and shoved at Hela’s chest to get her away from him.  “Bullshit! You’re a bitch; piss off!” 

Hela moved closer to rest her body against Peter’s front.  She laughed as she reached up to pull at his hair. “You don’t like me near you?” 

“I  _ hate  _ people touchin’ me!  Get off!” Peter grabbed Hela’s wrist and threw it away from his body.  “Don’t fuckin’ touch me!” 

“You  _ hate  _ people touching you?  Yet you’ll let my brother bend you over and take you like the whore you are?  Let him let his  _ boyfriend  _ have his way with you so my brother can watch and get off on him  _ using  _ you?  You are  _ nothing  _ but a sex toy to them, and it’s a shame they’ve let you think you could ever be anything more to either of them.” 

The hurt was clear on Peter’s face.  His angry eyes glared loathingly into Hela’s, but still, the tears welling up were impossible to miss.  His hands bunched into fists, and he shoved at Hela once more as he shouted, “Don’t call me a whore!” 

“But you _are_ a whore,” Hela murmured patiently.  “You’re my _little_ _brother’s_ whore, and I -”

Peter had thrown his arm forward to punch Hela, but Hela was quick to move out of the way and instead pin Peter down on his knees with his still-outstretched arm locked in her grip.  She curled one arm around his neck and dug it in against his throat as hard as she could, earning choked little gasps and gags as Peter struggled to breathe properly. 

“You should learn that hitting a woman is something only a  _ disgusting man  _ does,” Hela snarled as she tightened her grip on Peter, leaning her weight against his back and forcing him to bend towards the floor.  “Only a  _ little boy  _ hits a woman, and I -”

Peter fell forward so suddenly, he didn’t have time to prepare himself.  He hit the rotten floorboards with a loud thump, gasping desperately for breath as he tried not to focus on the way the chipped floorboard pressed up and into his flesh painfully.  

“You’re supposed to be upstairs.” 

Peter looked at Hela in dazed confusion before he saw movement from the corner of his eye at the doorway.  He looked over, and his body tensed further at the sight of Loki, looking between the two with wary confusion.  

Finally, Loki fixed his gaze on Hela and murmured, “I will be wherever I wish to be.  What were you doing to him?” 

“Nothing, dear little brother; we were simply…  Getting to know each other.” There was an iciness in Hela’s tone, but it was well-hidden beneath her calmness.  

Loki’s eyes narrowed suspiciously.  He moved into the room and reached down to help Peter to his feet.  His gaze never left Hela’s as he said, “Thor will kill you if you do anything to him, Hela.  You know that.” 

Hela laughed.  “No - he will kill  _ him  _ when I tell my sweet little brother his…  _ pet  _ tried to punch me in the face.” 

Loki stiffened, but he said nothing; he simply reached out to pat Peter’s shoulder once he had gotten to his feet, but he moved back when Peter shrugged him off and growled. 

“Don’t touch me,” Peter snarled.  He pushed past Loki to leave the room, leaving Loki to stare at Hela with furrowed eyebrows.

Hela was cold again now.  “What.” 

Loki took a moment, but finally he hissed, “You do anything to him, and I’ll tell Thor myself.” 

“You wouldn’t  _ dare _ ,” Hela hissed back.  She leant in close now and snarled, “With all the dirt I’ve got on you,  _ you  _ will be the only one Thor turns against.” 

Loki fell silent at that.  He glared at Hela for a few seconds more before he turned and left. 

* * *

 

Peter had found his way back to Steve, who was by the front door talking to a group of tradesmen.  He stomped his way to Steve’s side, pressing against him and ducking beneath his arm so it would wrap around him and hold him close.  

Steve looked at Peter once the tradesmen had left to do their work.  He squeezed Peter tighter at the look of distress on his lover’s face.  “Are you okay, Peter?” 

Peter nodded.  His frown deepened, but still, he murmured, “I don’t like Hela…” 

“I don’t like her, either, Peter,” Steve promised.  He kissed Peter’s forehead before he asked, “What did she say to you?” 

“Nothin’...  Just don’t like her,” Peter lied.  The thought of telling Steve what she had said to him made him want to cry tears of shame.  

“I know.  But try and get along with her for Thor’s sake, Peter; it would mean the world to him if you try.  Now, can you help me with something?”

Peter nodded.  “...” 

“Thank you.  Thor will be here soon if he doesn’t get held back at work.” 

Peter nodded again, but still, he said nothing; he just followed with his head down, trying not to focus so much on the words Hela had said to him. 

Steve knew something was bothering Peter, and he had his suspicions on what that was.  Hela was bad news, but trying to explain this to Thor was only asking for a fight - and Steve just hoped with everything he had that he wasn’t going to have to bring the subject up yet again with Thor and try to make him understand that his sister had done something to Peter.

Steve sighed loudly.  Sometimes, he just wished Thor would let him handle things on his own without having to get himself involved because honestly…

Sometimes, Thor made it very difficult to be happy.  


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I always forget to mention, I have a Twitter account for this AO3, so if anyone wants to get into contact with me for anything regarding my fics and their updates, it is https://twitter.com/Biscuit154
> 
> Also, I apologise for any inaccuracies in this chapter; not being American myself, I did consult with a few Americans in my writing group to try and get this as accurate as I can. If anyone who works in the field notices anything glaringly wrong, please tell me and I will do my best to fix it :)

Steve didn’t like snowy days.  He supposed it was because of his childhood, where he’d once been so sick and frail, snow meant his potential demise.  Steve wasn’t sick anymore - hadn’t been sick since he was twenty-one - but he supposed there were just some things that were impossible to shake. 

That was probably why Steve felt as uncomfortable as he did watching Peter and Thor outside, playing in the snow together like two rambunctious children seeing the snow for the first time.  

Steve gave a shudder and pulled his jacket tighter to his body, reminiscent of how he’d once been unable to feel warm unless wrapped in a mountain of fabrics.  He looked away from the living room window, not wanting to think about how cold their hands must be beneath their mittens as they set about on building a snowman together.  

Steve glanced down at his wristwatch, dismayed to see it was almost time to leave for work and he wouldn’t be able to finish reading his new novel like he’d hoped he could. He sighed and closed his book so he could get to his feet and head to the front door. 

Peter looked like he was enjoying himself so much, Steve felt guilty as he called out, “Peter, come inside and get ready for wo -”

Peter laughed loudly at the snowball he’d thrown into Steve’s face, but he quickly quietened down and looked at Thor in confusion when Thor took his wrist and shook his head.  He frowned, looking back to Steve now and wondering if he had done something wrong at the annoyed, and almost  _ panicked  _ expression on Steve’s face.

“Sorry…” Peter mumbled.  “I didn’t… Umm… S-sorry…” 

Thor and Steve shared a look.  Steve said nothing as he turned around and went back inside, leaving Thor to rub Peter’s cheek and murmur, “Steven does not like being near cold things; he used to be very sick, so now he needs to be warm and in a clean environment or he gets very uncomfortable.” 

“I didn’t know…” Peter whispered.  “I’m sorry, Thor; I didn’t mean to upset him!” 

“It will be okay; he will forgive you,” Thor promised.  He kissed Peter’s forehead in reassurance. “Just do not do it again, sweetheart.  Now go and get ready for work.”

Peter kissed Thor’s lips before he nodded.  He went inside, hurrying up the stairs so he could gather his work clothes and have a shower.  

Thor sought Steve out, and he found his husband downstairs, sitting in front of the lit fireplace as his fingers drummed against his knees.  Thor sat next to him, wrapping him up in his arms and pulling his back to rest against his chest. “Are you okay, Steven?” 

Steve nodded.  “I’m fine.” 

“Peter did not know.” 

“I know.  It’s fine.  He didn’t mean it.” Steve pressed himself backwards to get closer to Thor.  “I’m alright, Thor. Really.” 

Thor nodded, but he still wasn’t convinced.  He rubbed his palms up and down Steve’s arms, as if hoping he could generate some more warmth for his lover by doing so.  “Where are your car keys? I will warm your car up for you so the heater will work.” 

Steve fished his keys from his pocket to hand them to Thor.  He wasn’t usually one to accept such acts being done for him, hating the blow he felt his prideful independence take - but sometimes, even Steve just needed to be taken care of once in a while.

To Steve’s relief, Peter didn’t take long in the shower, and once he had come back downstairs with his favourite blanket in tow, he curled up against Steve and wrapped them both in his blanket. 

“I’m sorry, Steve,” Peter whispered.  “I wouldn’t have done it if I knew - I promise.” 

“It’s alright, Peter,” Steve promised.  He wrapped his arm around Peter’s shoulders and squeezed.  “Don’t worry about it; I’ll be okay. Are you ready to leave?”

Peter smiled brightly now, the tension he had been feeling no longer noticeable to Steve.  “Yup!” 

Steve reached beneath the blanket to squeeze Peter’s hand.  “You’re much chipper today.” 

“I feel good today.” Peter was beaming now.  

“That’s great, Peter.”  Steve was happy now, hoping that whatever had been wrong with Peter had run its course and was gone.  “Let’s stop for a coffee before we get to work, okay?” 

“Okay.” Peter gathered his blanket up into his arms and ran it upstairs to their bedroom before he came back downstairs to join Steve in farewelling Thor.

Steve left in better spirits than he’d been in for a while now, and he had hopes that Peter was going to be okay.  But really, when did Steve ever get what he want?

* * *

 

Steve loved his job.  He loved the social interaction he got with his clients, and he even loved the mundane parts that had him bent over his desk for hours so he could do paperwork.  

But every now and then, Steve would get a client that would frustrate him with their insistence on making everything much harder than it had to be. 

“I don’t want to pay that amount; can’t you sweeten the deal for me?” The client looked so serious in his request, Steve felt exhausted.  

“I’m sorry; the prices are fixed - I can’t change them unless I speak to my boss.” 

“Can you give him a call and tell him I want it cheaper?” 

Steve’s shoulders slumped.  He opened his mouth to respond, to explain that he couldn’t just request such a thing of Tony without being given a good reason for needing a discount, but before he could do so, his work phone rang.  

“Excuse me a moment.” Steve picked up the receiver and put it to his ear.  Without waiting for a greeting, he said, “Tony, I’m with a client; I’ll call you back soon.” 

Steve put the receiver back down on the cradle and turned his attention to his client again.  He tried to explain company procedures, make the man understand that just because he didn’t want to pay the full amount didn’t mean Steve could change the pricing.  

But just when things were getting heated between the two, Steve’s jaw dropped when he watched from the windows of his office as paramedics rushed through the building with a stretcher in tow. 

Steve’s stomach dropped, and he just  _ knew _ .  Without even a thought to his client, he threw himself from his chair and rushed to Tony’s office. 

His worst fears were confirmed, and Steve felt his world shatter. “Peter?!”

Tony looked up from where he’d been kneeling next to Peter, so lifeless as he lay on the floor with paramedics all around him.  Steve had never seen his friend look so concerned before, and it only made him feel worse. 

Tony looked to Bruce now, sitting nearby with his hand in Peter’s hair.  “Banner. Fill Rogers in.” 

Bruce didn’t hesitate to get up and take Steve by the arm to lead him outside.  He frowned and shook his head once they were standing in the corridor, trying not to listen to what was happening inside the office. 

“Steve…” Bruce looked ready to cry as he dragged his fingers through his hair.  “I-I’m sorry; w-we tried, but… We couldn’t stop it…” 

“What happened, Bruce…?” Steve didn’t want to know the answer, but still, he braced himself for it.

“He had a seizure, and we just - we thought it would stop, so we didn’t call anyone; we were going to tell you later.” Bruce rubbed at his face, his eyes wide and the stress evident in his expression.  “The seizure wouldn’t stop, though - it went so long, and we didn’t… We didn’t know what to do, so we tried to call you, but - we got the ambulance because even when it stopped, he… He wasn’t conscious…” 

Steve felt a single tear roll down his cheek.  He dropped his face in his hands, blaming himself for having not tried enough to get Peter medical attention - and as he watched paramedics rush Peter out of the office and down to the awaiting ambulance, Steve felt like he was going to vomit. 

Bruce gently took Steve by the elbow and led him back into the office now that Peter was gone.  Tony was on the phone to someone, yelling and cussing his head off worse than Steve had known him to do. 

“Yes, you fucking  _ will  _ see him, you bastard!” Tony stomped around the room, uncaring that he was being watched.  “Why?! Because I  _ said _ so, that’s why!  You know you’re the only one that I trust - so get your fucking ass ready and go see him!  I want scans, damnit! Do your goddamn job!”

Steve looked at Bruce, not sure he could keep listening to Tony.  “What do I tell Thor, Bruce…? He’s going to be devastated.”’

“I’ll tell him,” Bruce promised.  “Just… Just go and make sure Peter’s okay.” 

From where Tony had just ended his phone call, he stomped his way towards Steve and Bruce. His expression still conveyed his agitation, but regardless, he demanded, “Rogers, get your ass downstairs; we’re going to the hospital.”

Steve wasted no time in obeying the order, staying alongside Tony as they rushed out of the building so they could get into Tony’s Audi.  The drive was silent for the most part, each lost in their own thoughts.

It was Tony who broke the silence.  “He’s going to be okay, you know.” 

“And how do  _ you  _ know that…?” Steve couldn’t keep the bitterness from his voice as he dropped his head to rest against the window. 

“Because I got him a damn good doctor - that’s how!” Tony gestured to himself erratically.  “I wouldn’t let someone touch him I wouldn’t let work on myself, and he’s the only one I  _ would  _ let near me!” 

Steve bit back the words he wanted to spit.  Truth be told, Tony’s words  _ did  _ bring slight comfort; he knew Tony was telling the truth and not just saying it to reassure him, because Tony was the kind of person so arrogant, to even  _ acknowledge  _ he would accept another’s help if needed was a huge thing.  

But even so, that still didn’t answer the biggest question Steve had.

What if Peter couldn’t be helped…?

* * *

 

“Has Bruce spoken to Thor yet?” Steve pulled his phone from his pocket for what had surely been the hundredth time.  He was expecting for Thor to have contacted him in a panic, but his phone had been void of notifications all day. 

“Wouldn’t know; doubt so.” Tony leant back into the chair, waiting impatiently for his friend to come and collect them from the waiting area and bring them to see Peter.  “Probably still trying to work out what to say to the poor guy.” 

Steve nodded.  He could accept that; even  _ he  _ didn’t know what to say to Thor if it came to it.  “He’s going to be so upset…” 

Tony shrugged, not knowing how to respond, and they went back to the silence they’d been sitting in for what had felt like an eternity. 

Steve’s phone finally rang, and as he’d expected, Thor’s name was on his screen.  He answered the call and put the phone to his ear, anticipating Thor’s emotional breakdown - but instead, he was greeted by his partner, as cheery as ever and without even a hint that he was upset.

“Hello, Steven~!” Steve could hear Thor moving around in the background.  In the back of Steve’s mind, he wondered if Thor was doing the washing for him.  “Are you still at work? You would normally be home by now on a Monday…” 

“Uhh…” Steve was clueless as to how to reply, but his saviour came in the form of Tony taking the phone and putting it to his own ear.

“Hey, Thor; Steve’s working overtime; the idiot fucked up on a heap of documentation and I told him to fix it before he leaves.  He might still be a while.” 

Steve tried to hear what Thor said, but he couldn’t make the words out.  

“Ah, yeah…  No, Quill’s out; I sent him to go get us coffees so he’s not here.  ...Yeah… I’ll tell him, bud. Okay. Bye.” 

Steve let out a sigh of relief when Tony handed him his phone back.  “Thanks, Tony… I couldn’t have told him like this.” 

“Just let Bruce handle it; you have enough to deal with right now.” 

They went back to entertaining their own thoughts, waiting anxiously for any news on Peter.  When it finally arrived in the form of Tony’s doctor friend coming to see them, Steve felt like throwing up. 

“Come on through.” The stoic expression the doctor wore didn’t do much for Steve’s nerves, but Steve had to remember, from everything Tony had told him about Doctor Stephen Strange, he was as arrogant as Tony himself and this was probably his happy face.

The walk to Peter’s hospital room felt suffocating for Steve, and when they made it there, he didn’t even want to step inside.  He eventually did, but not with ease, and it was hard not to walk straight back out when he saw Peter, still unconscious - or, hopefully, just sleeping… 

Steve felt like the worst person in the world at the fact that he couldn’t even step out of the doorway and go to his partner’s side.

“Did you do the head scans like I told you to, Strange?” Tony demanded as he followed his friend further into the room. 

Strange’s eyes narrowed, and he grimaced in annoyance.  “I’m sorry; you  _ told me to?   _ I don’t work for you, Stark; I took the scans because  _ it’s my job _ .” 

Beneath his breath, Steve still heard Tony mutter, “Because I told you to…”  Steve couldn’t help but find a smile at this.

“Did you find anything…?” Steve held his breath, trying to fight the anxiety. 

Strange nodded.  He moved to a counter on the other side of the room to pick up what looked like x-rays.  He turned them over to show the other two, and still with all the stoicness he’d displayed since his arrival in the waiting room, he pointed out a specific black mass and said, “He has a brain tumour, and from the size of it, it’s been developing for a long time.  How many seizures has he had?” 

“Only this one - at least, since he’s been with us…” Steve chewed at his lip.  “He’s been with us four years, but it’s only been some weeks since he’s started getting headaches - maybe two months now?”

Strange nodded.  “I can operate on this, but it’s in a very high-risk area.  You will not find another neurosurgeon who will take it on; most will say it’s inoperable.  But I can help him. Is he insured?” 

“God, I hope so…” Steve felt his breath hitch as he realised he’d left Thor in charge of sorting Peter’s health insurance; what if Thor hadn’t done it?  

“If he’s not insured, you will be out of pocket tens of thousands of dollars - not to mention how long it will take just for him to be able to be seen.” 

Steve shook his head.  “We don’t care about the money; just help him. We will pay every cent out of our own pockets if we have to; we just want him to be okay.”

“You need to find out if he’s insured or not before I can do anything.  Call my office tomorrow and speak with my receptionist. If he isn’t insured, my receptionist can point you in the direction as to where to get started and what we can do for him.  As for right now, he will be spending the night here and he can go home tomorrow.” 

Steve gave a stiff nod as he finally found the courage to go to Peter’s side and hold his hand.  

Strange turned around to face Tony now and speak with him, out of Steve’s earshot.  “I’m trusting you on this one, Stark. I’m not bending the rules because you ask me to - and if he’s uninsured?  How can I trust they can afford their bill if I help him? Don’t let me down on this.” 

“Don’t let  _ you  _ down?  Don’t let  _ them  _ down!” Tony hissed back.  “You’re the damned doctor!  And you  _ know  _ I’d pay every cent myself if it ever came to it!” 

The two stared each other down for a few moments before Strange left.  Tony came to join Steve by the bed, looking down at Peter with concern masked almost completely as indifference. 

“I’m gonna go call Bruce and let him know.  You want me to drive you back to your car?” Tony waited patiently for a response while Steve battled to decide what the best thing for him to do was. 

After careful deliberation, Steve nodded.  “Yes. Thor will need me, too…” 

“Hey.” Tony reached out to squeeze Steve’s shoulder.  “Quill is going to be  _ fine _ .  That guy will take good care of him.  I promise. Let’s just get you home.”

Steve hated how easily he got up to leave Peter.  He knew he shouldn’t hate it; that it was normal for him to be so upset at the situation and need an escape from it to be able to cope - but still, he felt like the worst person in the world once again at just how relieved he was to be leaving.  

Hopefully when he got home he would feel a bit better. 

* * *

 

When Steve pulled his car into the driveway, he found Tony’s Audi already parked outside the house.  It made sense, really; Steve had delayed his return, not wanting to face Thor just yet, so it was expected his friends had had enough time to get there first. 

It was probably a good thing he’d taken the time to prepare himself for Thor, because once he’d gotten inside and walked into the living room, his heart broke to see Thor crying desperately, Bruce beside him with one arm around his shoulders.  

Steve looked to see where Tony was, and he found him standing by the window with his phone in hand, texting someone.  Steve cleared his throat. “Thor?” 

Thor was on his feet and rushing to engulf Steve in a bone-crushing hug the second he’d realised he was there.  “Oh, Steven! I am so sorry!” 

“What are you sorry for?” Steve murmured.  He wrapped his arms around Thor’s middle and held on tight. 

“I should have been there with him!” Thor wailed.  “I knew he was not well! I am so sorry you had to see that!” 

“Thor, it’s fine.  Don’t beat yourself up over it.” Steve sighed and dropped his head onto Thor’s shoulder.  “Look… We’ll go see him tomorrow; the doctor said he can come home tomorrow. Okay?” 

Thor was still crying, and all it did was make Steve want to cry, too.  But he knew he couldn’t, because it had happened before; if Steve fell apart, Thor did, too.  


	4. Chapter 4

The hospital bill came sooner rather than later, and when Steve opened the envelope and read the letter, he felt tears of frustration well up in his eyes.

It was a fight they’d had the day after Peter had been hospitalised, where Steve had rang their health insurance at the promise that Thor had indeed added Peter to their policy, only to be told that he hadn’t after all, and they wouldn’t cover Peter for pre-existing conditions even if he were to be put on then and there.  Thor had denied being at fault, saying he’d just been too busy and he’d  _ thought  _ he’d gotten it done and Steve should have been double-checking just in case. 

But right now, Steve knew they were going to have another fight, and he was too upset to even care. 

Steve found Thor downstairs, in the kitchen so he could cut fruit up for Rocket’s lunch.  The anger was clear on his face as he grabbed Thor by the shoulder and spun him around from the counter.  He was speechless as he raised the medical bill and shoved it into his lover’s face.

Thor took the paper and scanned it quickly.  He felt his stomach drop, but still, he tried to reassure, “It is okay; we can afford this, Steven.” 

“No, we can’t, Thor - not when we’re dropping hundreds of thousands on fixing up the other house!” Steve spat.  “We’ve already spent over a million on it - and it’s not even halfway! Now we have to worry about Peter, too!” 

“It will be  _ fine _ , Steven; we have the money to -” 

“ _ No, we don’t _ !” Steve roared.  “Not with your house eating at our money -  _ and not when you didn’t put Peter on the damned insurance when I told you to _ !” 

“It is not my fault I did not know how sick he was!” Thor yelled back.  

“You shouldn’t have had to know - you should have just  _ done it _ !  This could  _ bankrupt  _ us, Thor!  And  _ then  _ how are we supposed to get him treated?!” 

“Steven, if we really needed to, Stark will help us pay for -” 

“ _ No _ !” Steve roared again.  “ _ No,  _ Thor!  This is  _ your  _ mistake - not  _ Tony’s _ !  You will  _ not  _ ask him for money because it isn’t  _ fair  _ to him!  It is  _ not  _ Tony’s problem.  Do you  _ hear me,  _ Thor?!  It’s  _ our  _ problem, and it’s not fair to push it onto everyone else!” 

Thor turned his back to Steve.  He was furious, but he didn’t want to fight with Steve; things were hard enough as it was without them at each other’s throat.  He slapped the medical bill down on the counter aggressively, muttering to himself as he went back to preparing Rocket’s food. 

Steve took a deep breath to calm himself.  He ran his fingers through his hair as he forced himself to speak in a calmer tone now.  “Where is Peter?” 

Thor shrugged.  “He was on the couch when I last saw him.” 

Steve, who had only just gotten home from shopping, clawed at his face as he forced out, “And how long ago was that, Thor?  Because he wasn’t there when I came home.” 

Thor shrugged again.  “An hour? He is probably upstairs; he was asleep earlier.” 

Steve growled.  He opened his mouth to shoot back at Thor, but he decided against it; tensions were high, and fighting over everything was only going to make it harder.  He turned around and left, searching the house top and bottom to make sure Peter was okay, but no matter where he looked, he didn’t find Peter anywhere. 

Steve went back downstairs to Thor again.  “I can’t find Peter. Are you sure he’s still in here?” 

Thor was calmer now as he put down the dishes he had been washing.  He hummed before he said, “Perhaps he took Rocket outside to play; Rocket has not come for his food yet.” 

Steve moved to the back door so he could open it and look out across the yard.  The snow looked untouched, but with it still falling, he didn’t want to rule out the possibility of tracks having been covered up already.  “Peter!” 

No answer.  Steve shuddered at the idea of having to traverse the snow-covered land to find his partner, but before he could express his uneasiness, Thor gently grabbed his shoulders and pulled him back into the warmth of the their home.  “Stay inside, Steven; I will go and see if he is playing in the woods.” 

Steve didn’t protest.  He let Thor wander out into the snow, and he himself went back to the front of the house so he could open the front door and peer outside to see if perhaps he just hadn’t noticed Peter in the driveway somewhere.

Alas, Steve’s concerns only grew, and when Thor came back empty-handed, he felt terrified to think of what could have happened.   

“Thor, I’m worried.” Steve wasn’t even aware of his hand coming up to his mouth so he could chew at his nails.  “He could have passed out somewhere.” 

Thor took Steve by the shoulders and moved him back into the kitchen to sit him down at the dining table.  “Do not think like that, Steven; I am sure he is fine. Peter knows how to look after himself when he needs to.  He will be  _ fine _ ; I am sure of it.” 

Steve still shook his head.  “I don’t know, Thor…” 

“I will make you a hot cup of tea and you will feel better,” Thor reassured.  Steve wasn’t oblivious to the way his husband’s hands trembled with his own anxiety over the situation.  “I will make it for you, and you can go upstairs and relax and I will have another look for Peter. Okay, sweetheart?” 

“No, I’ll help you look for him; it’s just a bit of cold…  I can handle it, Thor!”

Thor kept silent at this.  He focused his attention on the kettle, chewing at his lip as he tried not to think about what could have happened to Peter.  He was quick to prepare the tea once the kettle had boiled, and after handing it to his lover, he said, “I will call our friends and ask them to come help me search.” 

Steve took a sip of his tea, but before he could respond, his attention was grabbed by the back door sliding open, and a freezing, wet Peter stepping inside with Rocket in his arms.

“Peter!” Thor was away from the table and in front of Peter in the blink of an eye.  He engulfed his partner in his strong arms, holding him so tightly, Peter whimpered. “Where have you been?!  Why are you so wet?! You are  _ shaking _ !” 

Peter looked dazed as he frowned at Thor.  He mumbled something, dropping Rocket onto the kitchen tiles so he could reach up and curl his fingers into Thor’s hoodie and drop his head to Thor’s shoulder.  

“Peter?” Thor immediately set about stripping off the wet, thin articles of clothing that would have offered no protection whatsoever from the snow he had undoubtedly been rolling around in somewhere.  “Sweetheart, please do not ever do that again; you scared us!”

Peter’s only response came in the form of a sneeze as his trembling became worse.  He allowed himself to be stripped of all his clothing so Thor could put his own hoodie on him instead and take him to sit in front of the fireplace.  He accepted the warm mug of hot chocolate Steve made for him, but he didn’t drink it; he just stared down into the liquid as Thor wrapped him up in his blanket.  

Finally, Peter spoke, hours after the fact when Thor and Steve had settled down on the couch together to watch TV.  “I don’t know…” 

“Know what, Peter?” Steve asked gently.  

“Where I was…” Peter pulled his blanket tighter around him and backed closer to the open fire.  Thor jumped off the couch and put his arm behind him to keep him from getting too close and catching on fire.  “I just… I dunno.” 

Thor and Steve shared a broken look.  Thor kissed Peter’s temple, rubbing his lover’s hand as he murmured, “Please do not go outside without letting us know, okay?  We were really worried.” 

Peter nodded.  “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I went outside.  I just… Can I have more Aspirin? My head hurts…” 

“Too much Aspirin is not good for you; it can make you very sick, Peter…” 

“But it really hurts.” Peter sniffed back tears as he tried to shake away the pain in his head.  “It hurts so bad…” 

Thor sighed and kissed Peter’s forehead.  “Alright, sweetheart. But you have to stop taking it all the time; you might be getting headaches  _ because  _ of the Aspirin.  Alright?” 

Peter nodded.  He laid down on his side now, coughing loudly as he felt the beginnings of congestion in his nose.  Steve sighed, hoping with everything he had that they weren’t going to have to worry about Peter catching hypothermia on top of everything else. 

“Peter, I’m going upstairs to draw for a while.” Steve stood up and moved to Peter to kiss him softly.  “Come find me if you need anything.” 

Peter nodded and mumbled something Steve couldn’t understand, and just like he had at the hospital all those weeks ago, he felt horrible at the fact that he needed to remove himself from Peter for a while.  

Steve had to keep reminding himself that it was  _ okay  _ and  _ healthy  _ for him to be getting time to himself - but still, the guilt and the self-loathing ate away at him, and nothing he could really tell himself was enough to settle the discomfort in his stomach.

* * *

 

“Are you sure you’re going to be alright down here on your own?”  Thor knew he was overreacting. He knew Peter was safe sleeping on the living room couch for once - but even so, Thor couldn’t help but worry something would happen and he wouldn’t be there to stop it.  

Peter nodded slowly.  His expression was full of exhaustion, but even so, he tugged his blanket up to his chin and hugged Rocket tighter against his side.  “I’m sure, Thor… I just wanna watch the TV for a while.” 

“You know you can have the TV on in our room - all night if you really wanted to,” Thor reassured.  

“I know…  But I’m really cold, Thor.” 

Thor couldn’t help but tug his own robe tighter now; it  _ was  _ a cold night - but Peter would be so warm wrapped up in their arms…  

Thor sighed.  He leant down to rub Peter’s face and offer a smile.  “Alright. Sleep well, sweetheart. I love you~” 

“I love you, too,” Peter whispered back.  “Goodnight.” 

“Goodnight.” With a loving kiss to Peter’s forehead, Thor went back upstairs to their bedroom.  Steve was still awake, his back up against the headboard as he sorted through documentation. “Steven, you should try to sleep; it is getting late.” 

Steve shook his head.  “I’m not tired, Thor.” 

Thor came to sit on the bed next to Steve and cuddle in against him.  He rested his chin on his lover’s shoulder to see what Steve was doing.  “What are you reading?” 

“Our finances.” Steve sighed.  “Thor, it isn’t good. We can’t have your house and Peter on our hands at the same time; we just can’t afford it.” 

“Nonsense; of course we can.” 

“Thor.  For all the money we’ve already spent on the house, we could be looking at millions more just to fix it.” Steve hated having to let Thor down hard in times like these - but realistically?  Thor needed to hear it now before he got them all in over their heads. “I know the house means a lot to you, Thor, but why don’t you wait until we have Peter sorted before you fix it up again?” 

Thor shook his head.  “If we do that, all the work we have already done will just need to be done again.  No; can we do both at the same time.” 

Steve chewed at his lip.  He didn’t want to say what was on his mind; he knew just how much it would hurt Thor - but really…  It had to be said. “Why don’t you have the house demolished and rebuilt, Thor? It could save us thousands…” 

“No!  I cannot do that, Steven!  How could you ever suggest such a thing?!” Thor’s eyes filled with tears, and that was how Steve knew he’d  _ really  _ hit a nerve.  

“I’m sorry, Thor…  But you have to understand; you can’t have both right now.  Please. You  _ have  _ to decide what’s more important to you.  Peter, or your house?” 

“They are  _ both  _ important to me, Steven!  You  _ know  _ they are!” 

Steve sighed.  He leant to the side to put the documents on the bedside table before he rolled back over to cuddle with Thor.  He rubbed Thor’s head slowly, wishing he had all the answers. “...” 

They fell into silence now, broken only when Thor soon murmured, “I would rather sell this home and everything I own if that is what I must do for Peter, Steven.  I would even sell my company and live on the streets in a cardboard box if that is what it takes. But you have to understand… My family means everything to me as well, and that house is all I have left of my parents.” 

Steve frowned.  He leant back to turn the lamp off to shroud them in darkness, turning back to Thor to wrap him in his arms and hold him close.  “Thor… We’ll talk about it again when the next bill arrives.” 

Thor gave a small nod against Steve’s chest.  “I love you…” 

“I love you, too, Thor.  Try not to stress if you can.” 

They fell into silence once more, but they didn’t sleep.  They listened to the rain falling outside for what could very well have been an eternity until the alarm clock behind Steve flashed two-thirty-one and Thor carefully disentangled himself from Steve to go downstairs and put another log on the fire for Peter.

While Thor was down there, he stopped by Peter’s side to check on him.  The TV was still playing in the background, the sound muted in favour of Peter’s Walkman playing softly on the coffee table beside him.  He was fast asleep, seemingly peaceful as he kept Rocket wrapped in both of his arms.

Thor turned the TV off, but he left the Walkman playing, hoping it would keep Peter resting well, and with the fire burning well once more, Thor went back to bed, holding Steve close as the rain came down harder. 

Everything would be okay eventually, Thor told himself.  Everything had always turned out okay in the end. Even after his parents had died and Hela had abandoned him to take care of Loki on his own at a young age in that giant, empty mansion, things had worked themselves out.  After all the failed relationships he’d had, he’d finally found one he was happy in. When his brother had taken their mother’s death hard and been in care for his mental health, things had gotten better.

This was just another bump in the road, and Steve just didn’t understand that even if things looked bleak  _ now,  _ things always got better.  

...Thor hoped, anyway.  


	5. Chapter 5

_ You have spent $154,628.72 at Johnny Fix It.  This month you have spent $898,397.70 on utilities.   _

_ You have spent $72,800.45 at Lower Manhattan Hospital.  This month you have spent $369,330.10 on health.  _

Steve swore the notifications from the bank account he shared with Thor were going to drive him crazy.  Thor was out, paying their bills while he was on his way home from work, and Steve  _ really  _ didn’t want to see just how much money his lover was dropping everywhere.  

_ You have spent $30,500 at - _

Steve quickly slid the notification off the screen of his phone so he didn’t have to see just how much more had left the account.  He put his phone back into his pocket so he could focus on the painting he had been working on instead. He didn’t check his phone again, not until Thor had gotten home, and he’d passed the device to his husband with the order to disable bank notifications for the time being. 

Thor did as he was asked, and once that was done, he took a seat on the couch next to Steve so he could stare sadly down at his lap.  “...” 

“Peter went out again today,” Steve murmured after almost ten minutes of heavy silence.  He didn’t take his eyes off his painting, not wanting to look at Thor and see the hurt on his face.  “He lost Rocket.”

Thor inhaled a sharp breath.  He reached out to take Steve’s hand, not knowing what to say.  “Steven… S-steven, are you sure…?” 

Steve nodded.  “I looked everywhere for Rocket, and I can’t find him.  Peter didn’t even realise until he’d been home for a while.  He said he forgot he took Rocket with him and now he doesn’t know where he is.”

“Oh, Steven…  He must be heartbroken.”

“He is.  He’s devastated.” Steve sighed.  He put his paintbrush down to rub at his eyes.  “He’s been upstairs crying over it.” 

“Oh, Peter…” As tired as Thor was, he still got to his feet and said, “I will go and look for Rocket.  I will be back soon, sweetheart.” 

Steve nodded.  He, too, got up to put his canvas away so he could make himself an afternoon snack.  He didn’t time how long Thor had been gone for, but Steve had eaten his food and cleaned the downstairs of the house by the time Thor returned, with a shell-shocked Rocket in his arms.

“Where did you find him?” Steve came to check Rocket over, removing the harness and leash from his body that Peter had done too tightly today.  

“He was tied up to a tree…” Thor murmured.  “It is terrible, Steven; Peter was not even on our property; he was on the neighbour’s property and he could have been shot…”   

Steve didn’t want to think about Thor’s words.  Peter kept disappearing; they hadn’t been able to stop him from doing so - to think that he had been wandering so far out, he was going  _ off  _ their large property…

“Thor, have you spoken to Strange yet?” Steve took Rocket from Thor so he could pat the dust and dirt from his fur.  

“Yes, but he cannot see Peter for several months…” Thor sighed.  “He says the cancer is not immediately life-threatening, but he has patients already in that condition…” 

“Talk to him again and explain to him how quickly Peter is getting worse, Thor; there has to be  _ something  _ Strange can do for him.” 

Thor nodded.  “I will do so soon.  Will you take Rocket to Peter, please?  I am going to take a nap.” 

Steve kissed Thor before he went upstairs to their bedroom.  He knocked on the door to announce his presence before he pushed it open and peered inside.  “Peter?” 

Peter was hiding under the blankets, and once he poked his head out to look at his lover, Steve’s heart shattered.  Peter’s face was red, not only from how much he had been crying, but also from the blood that had been smeared from his nosebleed.  Peter was still holding his nose, looking at Steve with such sadness, Steve wasn’t sure he had ever seen him so depressed before.

“Look who Thor found.” Steve offered a smile as he held Rocket up into the air.  

Peter kicked the blankets away so he could clamber to the end of the bed and reach out for Rocket.  He hugged his pet tight when Steve handed him over, and though he wanted to cry tears of relief, he just wasn’t sure he had any tears left to do so.  

Steve came to sit on the bed next to Peter.  He wrapped his arm around Peter’s shoulders and held him close.  Ever so gently, he murmured, “Let me see your face.” 

Peter turned to face Steve.  He cringed when Steve raised his hand and wiped away blood that had gotten under his eye, but he didn’t recoil; he just watched as his partner got up in silence to get a handkerchief and take it to the bathroom to wet it. 

“Stay still,” Steve whispered once he’d come back and taken Peter into his arm again.  He gently wiped the blood away from Peter’s hands and face, and once that was done, he leant across to reach into his bedside drawers to take a fresh handkerchief and hold it beneath Peter’s nostrils.  “Feeling better?” 

Peter nodded.  He let out a heavy sigh and hugged Rocket tighter before he whispered, “I’m really scared, Steve…” 

“Of course you are,” Steve murmured.  “So are we.”

“You are…?” 

“Yes, why wouldn’t we be, Peter?  It’s hard for us watching you hurt.” 

Peter looked to his lap now.  He put his hands together so he could fumble them against each other, licking his lips before he whispered, “I’m scared that I’m…  That I’m gonna…” 

“Come here.” Steve wrapped Peter up in his arms and squeezed.  “We aren’t going to let you die, Peter. We’re doing everything we can for you.  I know it might not feel like it’s much… But we  _ are  _ doing what we can.  You aren’t going to die.” 

“It feels like I am, Steve.” Peter rubbed fresh tears away with the back of his hand.  “I kinda used to wanna die, but I - I… W-when I was with Yondu, I… I was so sad all the time, and like, I  _ loved  _ Yondu - I really did, Steve!  But I just hated my life and I wanted to die ‘cause I just…!  I had nothin’ to live for… But then Thor found me, and h-he was the only one who I felt  _ wanted  _ to be around me!  I actually felt  _ happy  _ when I was with Thor, Steve!” 

“Peter…” 

Peter let out a loud sob as his tears came harder now.  “...But then Yondu died, and I had to come and live here…  And I… I-I honestly… had forgotten what it felt like to be really happy until you said I could stay.  I hadn’t been happy since my mum had died, and I thought I was never gonna be happy again. ...But just when I start enjoying life and  _ want  _ to live again, I…” 

Steve sniffed back his own tears.  He threaded his fingers through Peter’s hair desperately, wanting to hold on to him and never let him go again.  “Peter… I’m sorry this is happening, Peter; I really am. I don’t… I don’t know how to make you feel better, and I’m so sorry…” 

“I just don’t wanna die, Steve!” Peter pleaded.  His eyes went wide with fear as he stared into Steve’s face and  _ begged _ .  “Please!  I don’t wanna die!  I don’t!” 

Steve couldn’t keep himself from crying.  He wiped hastily at his eyes in hopes that Peter wouldn’t be able to notice, but he knew it was futile; Peter had always been too smart for his own good, and he wouldn’t mistake the tears that were dripping onto his cheek for anything but what they truly were. 

“Steve…” Peter let go of Rocket so he could climb onto Steve’s lap and hold on  for dear life. He was oddly calm now for someone who had just been crying ten seconds ago, and Steve felt unnerved by the resigned, almost  _ accepting  _ way Peter mumbled, “S-steve, I…  I-If I die… promise you’ll look after Rocket  for me…?” 

“You know we will,” Steve whispered.  “You know we always will, Peter.” 

“Good…  ‘Cause I just…  He’s all I got to remember Yondu, and it would kill me if anythin’ happened to Rocket, too, Steve.” 

It was moments like these that had Steve wondering if his faith in God was misplaced, because what kind of loving deity could insist on causing so much pain in the world? 

* * *

 

“Thor, something is wrong with my Netflix.” 

Thor and Steve looked up from where they’d been ripping up rotten floorboards.  Steve took the time to rub his hands against his jeans, trying to get the dirt and grime off his flesh lest his germaphobia play up again.  

“What is it, Peter?” Thor asked.  He reached out to take Peter’s phone when it was handed to him, but once he saw the issue, he felt guilt churn in his stomach.  Regretfully, he looked up at Peter, wrapped in his blanket and trembling from the cold only he could feel. “I am sorry, Peter; my credit card was declined.” 

From behind Thor, Steve gasped.  He didn’t want to get into it in front of Peter, but there was a panic inside of him now; none of Thor’s cards ever declined because he always had so much in his personal account, he could have walked in to their nearest car dealership and bought everything out in one go. 

To think that Thor’s account had emptied enough for not even a Netflix subscription to renew…  

Steve wanted to get Thor and  _ shake him _ . 

“I will be back, sweetheart,” Thor promised.  He got up and left the room, taking Peter’s phone with him.  He carefully climbed the rotten staircase, mindful of the weakest parts of the steps, so he could check the upstairs rooms in search of Loki.  When he found his brother, he didn’t hesitate to ask, “Loki, may Peter watch your Netflix on his phone?” 

“I don’t have Netflix,” Loki growled in annoyance as he tried to pry a window sill from the wall with a crowbar.  

“Ohh…” Thor felt his mood drop further, and with his shoulders slumped, he mumbled, “It is okay.  I will ask Hela. Thank you, though.” 

Loki turned to face his brother seriously now.  “You really think Hela will let him use it? She’d make him cry for even  _ thinking  _ of asking.” 

“Do not talk about her like that, Loki; she would not!” Thor argued.  “I am sure she would not mind if I were to ask her! We are her  _ family _ !” 

Loki stood straight to achieve his full height.  “Brother… One of these days you are going to realise that trying to look past all the bad in someone is only going to  _ hurt  _ you.  Stop trying to see all the good in someone who  _ doesn’t have any _ .  I didn’t even  _ want  _ to help you with this stupid house because  _ she  _ would be here!” 

“Hela has  _ plenty  _ of good in her, Loki!  She came back!”

“Yeah - when you were running Odin’s damned company into the ground and was about to lose it all,” Loki snarled.  “She only came back because if you lost it, she lost her money - and that’s the _ only  _ reason she still sticks around!  Why can’t you see that?” 

“Because it is not true!  I am sorry I bothered you, Loki; it is  _ fine _ ; don’t worry about it.  I will take money out of Peter’s medical account so he can watch Netflix again.” Thor sniffed back his hurt and anger. 

“Thor, wait.” Loki sighed.  “Give me the phone;  _ I  _ will pay for it.” 

“I am sorry for getting angry,” Thor murmured as he handed the phone over.  “I just wish you would get along with our sister.” 

“ _ Your  _ sister.  Not  _ mine _ .” Loki concentrated on adding his payment details onto Peter’s Netflix.  “Where the hell did all your money even  _ go _ ?  Surely you couldn’t have spent it all so soon.” 

“I moved all my money into our other account for Peter,” Thor explained.  “I have not been keeping my pays; I have been putting it all straight into our account to keep Peter secure.” 

“Thor…  You’re a big idiot, you know that?” Loki passed the phone back and reached into his pocket for his wallet.  “There. It’s paid for. And take this. Why do I get the feeling you haven’t been eating at work?” 

Thor waved away the money Loki was trying to hold out to him.  “No, no, Loki, I could never. Really, I am fine. I will manage.  I have been taking food from home to eat at work lately.” 

“Just take it, you great oaf.” Loki couldn’t help but feel relief when Thor accepted the money.  “Seriously. It’s so sad how you can never take care of yourself. I am sure you would have died long ago if you did not have Rogers to chase after you and tell you it’s  _ probably  _ a bad idea to wash your toaster in the bathtub.” 

Thor couldn’t help but chuckle.  “I am not that silly, Loki. Thank you very much for doing this for Peter; it means a lot to me, brother.” 

“Yeah, yeah…  You can pay me back by not being a fool with all your money.” 

Thor went back downstairs, humming happily to himself now as he looked forward to giving Peter his phone back.  He walked with a skip in his step once he’d gotten down the rickety staircase and was traversing across the freshly-placed floorboards of the corridor, not having to worry about watching his step for the moment. 

Thor stopped at the doorway of the dining room he’d been working with Steve in, listening to the voices floating through the doorway. 

“Peter’s staying here, Hela.” Thor frowned at Steve’s gruff tone.  “He’s helping us with the floors.”

“It looks like he’s just lazing about beneath his blanket,” Hela drawled.  “I need his help with something.” 

“Hela, he’s  _ not  _ leaving this room!” Steve snapped.  

“Why not?” There was a taunt in Hela’s tone, but Thor didn’t recognise it; he read it only as disappointment.  

“Because I don’t trust you!” 

Thor stepped in at that, feeling as if his heart was being torn out of his chest at what he was hearing.  He gave a glare to Steve, conveying his disappointment and anger at Steve for not even  _ trying  _ to get along with his sister when Hela only wanted to meet Peter properly.  “It is fine, Steven; Peter can go with her. They can get to know each other.” 

Peter looked horrified and betrayed at the suggestion.  “But, Thor, I don’t -” 

Steve cut Peter off to spare him Thor’s wrath.  “Peter is  _ staying here,  _ Thor.” 

“He can go and help Hela; I am sure she just wants to get to know him,” Thor argued.  In a gentle tone, he said, “Peter, go and help Hela, please.” 

Peter’s fright didn’t vanish from his face at this, and Steve hated to see how it only seemed to grow.  But still, he slowly pushed himself to his feet and folded his blanket to lay neatly by Thor’s toolkit in the corner.  He kept his head bowed as he walked to Hela’s side, his shoulders tense and his body shaking not only from the cold now, but from the anxiety that was clawing at him tenfold. 

Peter reluctantly followed, wanting nothing more than to turn back and hide behind Steve and refuse to go anywhere near Hela ever again.

But of course, Peter was tired, and he was sore, and he just didn’t want the conflict right now, so he obeyed. 

Hela stopped them in one of the rooms on the other side of the mansion.  She slammed the door closed behind them and turned to sneer at Peter. The first words out of her mouth had Peter feeling like he could vomit.  

“Thor wouldn’t believe you if you told him if I happened to get into your pants.” Hela smirked as her eyes travelled down to settle on the outline of Peter’s groin through his jeans.  “He wouldn’t. Actually, he might. But he’d blame you and you’d be black and blue and covered in blood when he kicks you out.” 

Peter cringed, but still, he fixed Hela with a firm glare.  “Well, that’s never gonna happen anyway, so shut up!” 

Hela sniggered.  “Won’t it? Want to bet on it?” 

Peter jumped back as Hela’s hand grabbed at his groin.  He shuddered in uneasiness, not used to anyone but Thor, Steve and himself touching him so intimately.  He growled loudly. “Fuck off! I’ll tell Steve!”

“And then he will tell Thor and it will just start another fight between you all.” Hela shrugged.  “Haven’t you noticed just how much those two fight? They fight  _ constantly _ .  Especially over  _ you,  _ because you are such a demanding, attention-whoring little brat who is quickly sending them both broke with your selfishness.” 

Peter flinched, but still, he spat out, “They  _ love  _ each other!  They  _ don’t  _ fight!  And I’m  _ not  _ sending them broke!  Thor says he  _ can’t  _ run out of money spending it on me!” 

Hela rolled her eyes.  “That was  _ before  _ you decided to go and get sick.  Do I need to show you all the messages on my phone from my brother  _ complaining  _ about you both?  Especially about  _ you? _ ” 

Peter fell silent now.  He looked at his feet, not knowing what to say - but he couldn’t ponder for long, because Hela had grabbed him again.  He growled and went to punch her, but he froze when the door opened and Steve stormed in. Peter felt relief flood him at the idea that Steve knew what was going on and had come to rescue him - but when Steve growled at  _ him,  _ Peter felt himself about to panic; had Hela been right…?

“Come on, Peter; we’re going home.” Steve snatched Peter’s forearm and tugged him towards the door.  “I’ve got your blanket for you.” 

Peter looked at Hela over his shoulder as he walked quickly to get away from her.  “Is Thor coming, too…?” 

“No, he can stay here and do it himself if it means that much to him.  Come on.” 

Peter winced.  He pulled his arm free of Steve’s grip and whispered, “Are you two fighting because I did something wrong…?” 

Steve took just a little too long to respond, and Peter focused on it immediately.  “No, of course not. Don’t be silly, Peter.”

Peter didn’t respond; he just let himself be taken to the car and driven home.  He tried not to think about how horrible he felt at the knowledge he was upsetting the two people he loved most just by  _ existing -  _ but the hardest thing of all was knowing it he tried to talk about his feelings towards it all with them, they would only hate him.  


	6. Chapter 6

Peter had long-since fallen asleep with the PlayStation controller still in his hands, but Thor hadn’t minded; he’d allowed Peter to sleep against his side, his lover’s head on his shoulder as he snored loudly while Thor continued to play the game on his own now. 

Thor was enjoying himself, with or without Peter, so as the hours went by, and Peter showed no sign of waking any time soon, Thor accepted the fact that he was going to be here for quite a while so Peter could rest comfortably without being disturbed. 

Soon enough though, Thor’s attention was grabbed by the soft moan just below his ear, and he couldn’t keep his cock from twitching in response. 

“Peter? Thor glanced down at Peter’s lap, licking his lips when he caught sight of the way his partner’s pyjama pants tented unmistakably.  He knew he was being selfish, but still, he rocked Peter’s shoulder and murmured his name until Peter was looking at him with a dazed expression.  “Sweetheart, do you want me to help you with that~?” 

Peter’s eyelids flickered, showing his exhaustion as he struggled to keep his eyes open. He barely noticed what Thor was saying until he, too, looked down and realised what the other wanted.  “Okay…”

Thor licked his lips as he wrapped one arm around Peter’s waist to keep him against his side as he moved his other hand to rest lightly against the outline of Peter’s arousal.  It had been a while since he’d been able to touch Peter like this, and he briefly wondered if he had offered more for his own or Peter’s pleasure. 

Peter dropped his face against Thor’s shoulder.  He gave a quiet moan when he felt Thor dip his hand inside his pants to take him in a gentle hold, but really, he was just too tired to enjoy it. 

Thor’s breathing was heavy as he stroked Peter with skilled hands.  His own arousal was threatening to burst through the seams of his jeans, but he didn’t care about that just yet; he wanted to bring Peter to his climax and drink him as he spilled. 

“Peter~”  Thor’s voice was as hot and heavy as his erection was.  “Peter, may I take you to bed~?”

Peter shook his head.  “Tired…”

Thor kissed the top of Peter’s head in response. His hand never faltered in its movements, and just when he had decided to get down on his knees and take Peter into his mouth, he felt the sticky residue spill over his hand.  Concern immediately took over any pleasure he should have gotten from this as he realised Peter hadn’t made a single sound when he’d came, and he didn’t know if Peter had gotten pleasure after all. 

“Did you enjoy that?” Thor murmured.  He frowned when Peter only gave an exhausted nod and let his eyes slip closed.  “Lay down. Go back to sleep. I will clean you up.” 

Thor did as he had promised. He went upstairs to fetch a clean pair of pyjama pants and a handkerchief, and once he’d wiped Peter clean and changed his pants, he went back upstairs to be on his own for a while.  

The sudden emotions that had hit him once he was alone were enough to bring him to tears, and he was glad that Steve wasn’t home to see him cry.  He  _ hated  _ crying in front of Steve.  Anything he could do to distract his husband from just how upset he was, he’d do it, even if it meant starting a fight so he could yell instead of cry.  

The tears came harder as he sat on the end of their bed. He dropped his face into his hands as his shoulders heaved with such emotion, he almost felt like he was suffocating. 

It was a mixture of everything, he was sure.  Not knowing what was going to happen to Peter; the frustration of trying to get the mansion fixed; the fact that things weren’t going well for the company and he truly didn’t know how to tell Steve about it - most of all, he hated himself for just how much he had been upsetting Steve lately. 

Thor didn’t  _ mean  _ to take everything out on Steve all the time. He  _ didn’t _ .  But his stress levels were high, and he’d always been reckless when he wasn’t in a good place mentally. 

“I am so sorry…” Thor wiped hastily at his tears as they continued to shed. “Oh, I am so sorry…  I feel so lost, and I… I do not know what to do anymore…”

Part of Thor wished Steve would walk in on him right now - hell, he’d even settle for Steve listening outside of the door.  At least then Steve might understand the words Thor didn’t know how to tell him directly. 

Thor pulled his phone from his pocket so he could call Loki.  He waited until the call had been answered and Loki hissed at him in disdain before he asked in a heavy, shaking voice, “Do you hate me, Loki…?” 

There was silence on the other end of the line for several seconds, and Thor had almost believed his brother  _ resented  _ him, before Loki murmured, “Why would I hate you?  What’s wrong?” 

Thor sniffed loudly. “It is just…  I-I… I am really… It is hard, Loki, and I…”

Loki sighed.  “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” Thor croaked out pathetically.  “But I just… Oh, Loki, I am… Am…”

Loki stayed silent and waited patiently for Thor to get the words out. 

Finally, Thor swallowed thickly and whimpered, “S-struggling…”

“There.  Was that so hard to admit?” Thor swore he could hear Loki rolling his eyes on the other end of the line.  “I know you’re struggling - hell,  _ everyone  _ knows you’re struggling.  Why do you think Rogers still sticks by you with the shit you’re pulling with the house?  He knows.”

“He does…?”

“Thor, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out you’ve thrown yourself at that bloody house so you have a distraction and don’t have to face reality.  But seriously.  _  Stop it.   _ Rogers doesn’t want to be the one to tell you because he doesn’t want to upset you, but  _ stop it _ .  Forget that fucking house.  It isn’t worth it, Thor. Whatever attachment you have to it, the past is  _ gone _ . It’s over.  Odin is dead. ... _ Mother _ … is dead.  Just  _ stop _ .  Focus on what you  _ should  _ be focusing on.”

“Loki…  Can I trust you to never repeat something to Steven…?” Thor needed to get it off his chest, but he couldn’t say it to Steve.  Oh god, not in a million years could he ever say it to Steve… “I have messed up, Loki. Bad.  _ Really bad _ .”

“What have you done  _ now _ ?” Loki couldn’t help but snap. “I swear, if I have to come over there and slap you, I -“

Thor’s loud sob cut Loki off.  “I have spent all our money and now I do not know what to do anymore, Loki!  I have messed everything up and I  _ loathe  _ myself for it!”

Loki was in silence for so long, Thor worried his brother had hung up in disgust.  But finally, he whispered, “You spent… all those millions and  _ millions  _ of dollars…  _ on a fucking run-down dump of a house?!  _  When you have a husband  _ dying from brain cancer?! _  Why the  _ fuck  _ didn’t you tell me you were feeling so bad, Thor?!  How does Rogers not already know?! He’s going to find out, Thor!”

“He will not open the bank account anymore,” Thor wailed.  “He said he wants nothing to do with it because it makes him cry to see how quickly I have been emptying it!  He makes me do it all now!”

“Yeah - and when you have  _ nothing  _ to get Quill treated and he dies, Rogers is  _ going to know _ !”

“Loki, stop it!” Thor begged.  “I…! I have messed up so bad, and I  _ knew  _ I was messing up - but it only made me spend more faster because I was so stressed out!  I have let Peter and Steven down and I feel so horrible! I am so sorry!”

“Don’t tell  _ me  _ that;  _ I’m  _ not the one you’ve failed!” 

Thor’s attention was grabbed by the sound of Steve’s Lexus pulling into the driveway.  He wiped at his eyes again as he sobbed, “Loki, Steven is home… I have to go.”

“You need to tell him, Thor,” Loki warned.  “Tell him so he can get you  _ out  _ of the mess you’ve made - god knows he can’t trust  _ you  _ to do it.”

Thor didn’t have a chance to respond because Loki ended the call.  He waited a few moments, trying to force his tears to stop as he listened to Steve coming inside with the groceries in tow. 

Thor went downstairs eventually, joining Steve in the kitchen, but he did his best to keep his back to his husband so Steve couldn’t see he’d been crying.  

Steve noticed, but he didn’t comment on it. Instead, he tried to lighten the mood.  “Did Rocket scratch your face, Thor? Are you worried I won’t find you handsome anymore?  You should know I’m always going to be in love with you, no matter what.”

Thor didn’t know why he’d done it.  Hell, he didn’t even realise he  _ had  _ done it until the deafening smashing of the ceramic cups and dishes he had thrown aggressively through the kitchen window finally quietened. 

Thor came back to his senses when he caught sight of Peter standing in the doorway, wide-eyed and jaw slack as he looked on in fear.  He immediately turned to Steve, regret and panic consuming him as he knew what his actions would have done to his partner. 

“Steven?” Thor had to approach slowly, or there was no telling how Steve would react to him.  “Steven, sweetheart, you are safe… Safe, Steven. I promise.”

Steve was glued to the spot, his eyes unfocused and unseeing as he trembled violently.  He heard the echo of gunfire replaying over and over from the deepest recesses of his mind, memories he’d tried so hard to block out and refuse to acknowledge had ever happened. 

“Steven.” Ever-so-slowly, Thor’s hands reached out to cup Steve’s face.  “Steven, look at me.”

But Steve was still trapped in his mind, seeing over and over again, like a scene from a movie that had been looped, himself kneeling over his best friend and holding him as he bled out.  He could hear, clear as day, the way he begged Bucky to hold on and that help would get to them shortly and they just  _ had to hold out _ .

That had been the factor that had led to Steve leaving the army many years ago, putting that life behind him to the point he couldn’t even acknowledge it had ever happened or else he would suddenly remember the emotions he had felt at being sure Bucky was going to die in his arms. 

Thor was careful as he wrapped Steve up in his warmth and held on to him, knowing not to hug too tight or Steve would panic and lash out at the restraint.  

“Peter, go upstairs,” Thor requested, unable to bear Peter seeing Steve having a trauma attack.  He was glad that Peter obeyed, but still… 

Thor couldn’t relax until Steve was feeling better. 

“Sweetheart, I am so sorry,” Thor whispered, over and over again as he rubbed Steve’s back and silently pleaded for his husband to recover.  “I love you so much, Steven - so,  _ so  _ much, and I just…  You mean everything to me, and I could never be sorry enough for everything I have ever done wrong to you…”

But of course, Steve wasn’t okay - not for a long time, and Thor couldn’t let go of him for the rest of the day. 

* * *

 

“Is Steve gonna be okay…?” Peter chewed at his nails as his voice trembled.  His hand shook just as much as his tone as he pushed his dinner around with his spoon.  He couldn’t stop thinking about how jumpy and sad Steve had seemed for the day, and as much as he wanted to go and be with Steve and hug him until he was feeling better, Thor had asked him not to; said that Steve just needed to be with Bucky for a while and he would come and eat with them when he was feeling hungry. 

“He will be; I promise,” Thor assured.  Somehow, his promises felt less and less to even  _ him _ whenever he spoke them lately.  “Sometimes he thinks about bad memories - sort of like how when you think about Ego.” 

“Ego?” Peter cocked his head to the side. 

“Yes, what he did to you.” 

Peter hummed and gave a deep frown.  “Ego… did something to me? Who’s Ego?” 

Thor raised a hand to his mouth to fight against the bile climbing his throat; for Peter to have forgotten such a significant event in his life, he - well, Thor couldn’t even  _ begin  _ to imagine it.  “...”

Peter looked down when he felt Thor’s hand rub circles into his stomach before he lifted his lover’s pyjama shirt and let his fingertips caress the scarring on his abdomen.  His frown deepened as he looked at the scar, and the familiar fear he couldn’t seem to shake these days returned tenfold. “T-thor… W-what happened to me…?” 

Thor shook his head.  “I do not think I should tell you; you will surely be much happier not remembering, Peter.” 

Peter’s eyes were wide as he howled, “But  _ how  _ do I  _ forget _ ?!  What’s  _ wrong  _ with me, Thor?!  I’m  _ scared _ !  I forget everything and I’m so fuckin’  _ scared _ , Thor!”

Thor tried to swallow past the golf ball in his throat, but it was impossible to do so with just how much he wanted to cry.  He couldn’t get angry, though. He’d gotten angry with Steve earlier, and look what had happened. He’d known it for a long time; known that he needed to do something about just how difficult he found controlling his emotions to be - hell, he’d tried to take  _ steps  _ to fixing it! 

...But today…  

Thor wasn’t sure he’d ever loathed himself as much as he had today.  

“It will be okay,” Thor whispered.  “You will be okay.” 

“I’m just so scared I’m gonna forget you and Steve next…!” Peter whimpered.  He reached up to rip at his hair in his distress. “I-I can’t…! I  _ can’t _ !” 

“Hey.” Thor grabbed Peter by the shoulders and held on tight.  “You  _ are not  _ going to  _ forget us _ !  Okay, Peter?  You are  _ not _ .” 

“How can you say that when I  _ forgot my raccoon in the woods _ ?!” Peter sobbed.  “My  _ fucking raccoon _ !  The only thing I  _ had  _ for ten years besides a fuckin’  _ bed _ !  And I  _ lost him because I forgot he even existed _ !  You don’t get it, man!”

Thor pulled Peter into his arms to hold him close.  He shook his head, doing his best to comfort Peter, but he didn’t get a chance to say anything to him because Steve was in the living room, calling for him.  

Thor sighed and kissed the top of Peter’s head.  “I will be back, sweetheart.” 

Thor didn’t know what he was expecting when he stepped into the living room and faced his lover.  He supposed it was anything but to have Steve hold his phone out for him to take as silent tears streamed down his cheeks, and Bucky stared in a stunned, stoic manner.  

Thor took the phone and read the open message on the screen.  When he finished, he looked back to Steve, battling the tears threatening to well up in his eyes.  In shame, he bowed his head and murmured, “It is true… Everything Loki has told you is true, Steven…” 

Steve couldn’t even shake his head.  All he could manage was to murmur, “I’m not surprised, Thor.  I’m really not. And by this point… I don’t even have the energy to be angry with you.  I just wish you would have listened to me.” 

Thor knelt down so he could rest his head on Steve’s legs and let out the first sob.  “I am sorry, Steven… I never knew how to tell you, and I… was so ashamed of what I was doing.  But I did not know how to stop…” 

“You idiot; you were supposed to just tell me you needed my help.” Steve threaded his fingers through Thor’s hair as his tears continued to fall.  “And telling Loki not to tell me? You really are a big, stubborn fool, Thor… It’s okay; I’ll figure something out - but after today, I want you to go and see someone because I…  I can’t deal with you on top of everything else going on, Thor...” 

The dam finally broke for Thor, and all he could do was kneel there and cry the tears he had been needing to get out for so long now.  


	7. Chapter 7

Peter hadn’t always been a highly-anxious person.  He’d been a relatively normal kid up until he’d lost his mother and everything he’d ever known and then was thrown into a life of confusion and pain and  _ depression _ .  For the fifteen years he had spent living in Yondu’s idea of a “safe shelter”, Peter’s mind had cracked and frayed and it hadn’t taken long for him to be unable to function as a human, let alone as the adult Thor had met him as.  All he ever did was sleep, and if he was unfortunate enough to wake again without Yondu being home with him, he’d force himself back into oblivion and hope that the next time his eyes opened, Yondu would be there. 

It was because of this Peter hadn’t understood why Thor had felt any interest in him to begin with, but soon enough, he’d found himself craving the attention Thor so lovingly lavished on him, for so many reasons, he couldn’t even understand them himself. 

But what Peter  _ did  _ understand was being so desperate for human contact, his craving to be around another living being overrode the anxiety and had him needing Thor to visit him more and more to the point he struggled and cried every time Thor had to leave him. 

Thor visited Peter a lot.  In fact, he spent a great deal of time at Peter’s empty, depressing house, and all he wanted was to take him away and bring him to stay with him and Steve so Peter could learn how to be a person, so he could love Peter and take care of him and never let him feel alone and sad and  _ scared  _ ever again. 

“I thought you weren’t gonna come back…” 

It had become Peter’s way of greeting, Thor had learnt, to wrap his arms around Thor and cling to him for dear life as he trembled and whispered in a voice that shook even more than his body did. 

Thor wrapped his arms around Peter in return and smiled.  “I always come back, sweetheart.” 

Peter mumbled something under his breath as he allowed himself to be walked through the house and to his room.  He stayed silent as he was brought into the bedroom and laid down onto his side on the bed. Once Thor was beside him, he wrapped himself around Thor and held on tight.  

Peter didn’t really speak.  Not for lack of trying, Thor knew, but rather because he  _ didn’t know how  _ to socialise anymore.  He tried. He couldn’t help himself  _ not to _ .  But Thor never heard him get many successful sentences out. 

“Look what I have to show you,” Thor murmured gently when Peter’s pet raccoon caught his eye from the corner of the room.  He pulled his phone out of his pocket and loaded his YouTube app so he could show Peter the first video of a pet raccoon he found, hoping that it would be enough to help ease the tension in Peter’s body. 

Peter’s eyes lit up instantly when Thor passed him the phone to show him the video.  He was glued to it, barely even blinking as he watched, slack-jawed with amazement and fascination and  _ love _ .  Without even thinking, he climbed out of the bed so he could go and grab his sleeping pet and then return to Thor’s arms with Rocket in his own. 

Thor chuckled as Peter’s trembling finger hesitantly pressed at the next video in the playlist once the current one ended.  He kissed Peter’s head and settled in closer against him, not minding in the least if all they did all day was watch animal videos together.  

“Thor…” Peter’s mumble was barely audible as he peered up at Thor.  He struggled to find the words until he whispered, “...I… wanna watch… all of these.”

“You can try if you would like,” Thor murmured. He patted Peter’s head before he took his phone back and showed him how to use the search function.  “Watch whatever you want, Peter.”

Peter never stopped trembling, no matter how much he smiled at all of the videos he’d watched.  He wasn’t sure he’d ever really stopped trembling at all ever since Yondu had snatched him up at the hospital and driven him away from all the happiness he’d ever known.  But with Thor by his side, Peter felt a tad more relaxed than he usually did. 

Thor was always the one who did the talking when he was with Peter.  He told him about his day, about how Steve had helped him at work and then they’d gone and spent time with their friends for a few hours.  Peter would hang on to every word Thor spoke, making small noises and offering quiet words when he knew what he wanted to say. Peter was a socially-desperate person deprived of everything he needed, and Thor, who also craved being around other people, was only too eager to give Peter what he wanted.  

But Thor was also a very sexually-needy person, and it didn’t take long for him to cuddle Peter close so he could murmur hotly, “Sweetheart, will you let me put my hand in your pants again~?”

Peter’s face reddened shyly.  He looked away and fumbled his hands together as he gave a stiff nod.  He spread his legs wider when he felt Thor’s hand press against his crotch on the outside of his clothing.  He licked his lips, trying to find the right words again. “I… like this, Thor…”

“I am glad.” Thor massaged Peter’s bulge gently, encouraging it to grow beneath his touch, but previous experience had taught him that Peter was difficult to arouse.  “May I show you a video, Peter? I am sure it will help you get hard.”

Peter had no idea what he was getting himself into, but still, he said yes.  He didn’t understand what he was watching - and honestly, when Thor admitted he wanted to do to Peter what he himself was doing to Steve in the video, Peter felt frightened. 

“But, Thor…” Peter looked away as he fidgeted.  He reached down to push Thor’s hand out of his pants now.  “That… looks scary…”

“Scary?”

Peter nodded.  “Hurt… I don’t wanna.”

Thor chuckled.  “It  _ does  _ hurt a bit for your first time.  But I promise once you get used to it, it feels very good.  Steven lets me take him like that every night and it does not hurt him anymore.”

Still, Peter shook his head.  He pulled his blanket filthy from dust and dirt up under his nose so he could peer out from beneath it. “Don’t wanna…  Please…”

Thor frowned.  He wasn’t used to being rejected for such matters - if anything, he was accustomed to people throwing themselves at him.  Hell, even Steve had been eager to sleep with him for the first time once he’d worked through his religious and internalised homophobic issues.

Why was Peter so  _ different?   _ Thor didn’t know, but it fascinated him and urged him on even further to unravel Peter and keep him purely as his own so no one else could ever have him.  

And with that, Thor clambered on top of Peter to draw him into a deep kiss and  _ hopefully  _ get him to relax enough to trust him enough and just  _ try _ . 

* * *

 

It was a memory that always replayed through Thor’s mind whenever he looked through his photos and went all the way back to when he’d still been getting to know Peter.  Usually, the video brought arousal to Thor, seeing just how trusting Peter was to allow something he truly didn’t understand happen to him, despite how much he was crying from the fear and pain.

That was what made Thor realise, something wasn’t right in his head, and perhaps things were more dire than he’d realised.  Steve had told him off when he’d found out that Thor got off on a video Peter didn’t even know existed, a video of Peter scared and in pain but  _ trusting  _ of Thor to bring him the pleasure he’d promised would come if Peter would just give him his virginity.  Steve had told him off; been so angry for so many reasons - and the biggest reason?

Thor hadn’t listened back then, but he understood now, and Steve had been right.  Thor  _ was  _ a manipulative person.  Peter had almost  _ begged  _ him to not make him have to do it - and what had Thor done?  Steve had yelled and screamed and  _ cried  _ at the knowledge his boyfriend had pressured Peter into sex - someone who didn’t even  _ masturbate _ or feel normal sexual arousal.  And now that Thor was thinking about it properly, he felt nauseous and disgusted in himself for it all.

_ You may as well have raped the poor thing, Thor!   _ Steve had screamed as tears rolled down his cheeks and he waved Thor’s phone in the air with the video halfway deleted.   _ He didn’t  _ want  _ that, and you should have  _ known  _ from his body language!  He’s  _ scared _ , and I can’t  _ believe  _ you’d take advantage of someone so vulnerable like that!  _

Thor hadn’t listened.  Hell, after Steve had deleted the video and told him to never film such things again - between themselves, included, once Steve had found all the other videos on Thor’s phone - he’d just gone and put the video straight back on his phone, being extra careful to make sure Steve would never find out again.  Thor  _ had  _ listened to one request, though; at knowing how uncomfortable Steve was to know he’d been filmed, Thor had never done it again. 

The self-loathing came at full force now, and Thor felt himself crying again.  He deleted the video, just as Steve had demanded of him all that time ago. But Thor knew it was too late; that he’d already messed up and nothing he could do could ever fix the damage he’d done to  _ either  _ of his lovers. 

Thor put his phone back into his pocket and got up from the living room couch to go upstairs.  Steve wasn’t home, out with Bucky and working his ass off to work out how to get them out of what Thor had dragged them into.  Peter was home, though; upstairs in bed and fast asleep, as he had been a lot these past few weeks. 

Thor opened the door to their bedroom and peered inside.  As expected, Peter was in a deep sleep, wrapped up in his blankets and trembling despite the heater Steve had bought for him that was beside the bed and cranked up high. 

Another twang of guilt and self-hatred hit Thor.  Steve had always been the one to take care of Peter when it really came down to it.  In fact, at the end of the day, Thor knew it had been  _ Steve  _ who Peter had  _ really  _ started talking to first - been  _ comfortable  _ with first.  It hadn’t been Thor who helped him settle in and make him comfortable in his new life.  It hadn’t been Thor who had gotten Peter to stop trembling all the time. It hadn’t even been Thor who had encouraged him to stop hiding in their bed and beneath the blankets all day every day and instead come downstairs because it was  _ okay  _ for him to do so.  

Thor wiped angry tears away as he realised now he had no idea if Peter could ever have come as far as he had without Steve, so patient and gentle and  _ understanding  _ despite how unhappy he was for Peter to be in his home and taking Thor from him… 

And the knowledge that, for so long, Thor had done nothing but enable Peter and allow him to be so disrespectful to Steve - to someone  _ he loved so damn much _ …!  

Thor shook his head.  He stepped into the room and turned the heater off so he could open the window before he melted.  Once the breeze had cooled the room a little, he clambered up onto the bed and sat beside Peter, shaking him gently, carefully, until hazy eyes were looking up at him in exhaustion.

“Peter, are you happy here?  With me?” Thor felt like he was going to throw up as he awaited an answer.

Peter took several moments to respond, but finally, he murmured, “Yes…” 

Thor chewed at his lip.  He had to do it. He had to take the plunge and get it all out now before his throat would tighten and he wouldn’t be able to say anything.  “Peter… If you are happier with Steven than you are with me… You both may leave. I will not try and stop either of you.”

Peter frowned.  “Huh…?” 

“I just.  I think you and Steven would be much happier without me around…” Thor looked away to hide his tears.  “I think… I will only drag you both down with me, and I could never want that. I love you both so much, that I…  I-I… I only want for you both to be happy… Even if it means I must let you both go.” 

“But I  _ am  _ happy…” A single tear of Peter’s own dripped onto his pillow.  “Don’t you want us anymore…?” 

Thor didn’t reply for so long, he’d feared Peter would have fallen asleep again.  But when he felt his lover tug hesitantly at his jacket sleeve, he forced out, “I have lost all our money, sweetheart.  I promised I would help you, but now I… I have done something terrible, and I do not deserve yours or Steven’s love.” 

“Thor…” Peter licked at his lips as anxiety pooled in his stomach.  He tried so hard to ignore the pounding in his head, but it only seemed to worsen now.  “Am I… Am I going to die…?” 

Thor sniffed loudly and pulled his knees to his chest.  He hid his face against them as he rocked back and forth, trying so hard to get control of his emotions again, but he struggled.  “...” 

A sob escaped Peter now.  He curled his shaking fingers in to Thor’s jacket and whimpered, “S-steve promised… I wasn’t gonna die, Thor…  He  _ promised _ !” 

“And I messed everything up!” Thor wailed.  “I messed it all up and I  _ hate myself so much for it! _  If I could take your sickness, I  _ would,  _ Peter!  It should be  _ me _ !  You have done  _ nothing  _ to deserve this, and I…!  I-I am so sorry I have failed you!” 

Thor wasn’t sure he’d ever heard Peter wail as desperately as he was right now.  Perhaps the only times he could think of that even came close were when Yondu had died and Steve had walked out on them.  But what came next had Thor crying just as much.

“Then I want to die now!” Peter cried.  “Please! I-I… I trusted Steve when he said I was gonna be alright - but if I’m gonna die anyway, then I just wanna die now!  Please! I hate this so fuckin’ much! Just let me die, Thor!” 

Thor could barely breathe with just how much he was crying.  He leant down and wrapped his arms around Peter and clung desperately to him, unable to speak as he could barely even form a coherent thought in his mind.  

Thor could only hold Peter, for so long that by the time Peter had cried himself to sleep, Thor looked at the alarm clock and realised what had once been morning was almost evening. 

Thor wiped his tears away and sat up.  He took Peter’s phone from the bedside table and opened his text messages, asking for Peter’s friends to come and look after Peter for a while so he could go into town and get some things done. 

Gamora was quick to respond, saying that while she and Mantis were busy, her brother would stop by instead.  And with that, Thor gathered his car keys and went downstairs, planning everything out and hoping it would go okay.

* * *

 

“Please see my partner soon.” Thor wasn’t used to begging.  It was a horrible feeling, really, but at the same time… 

Losing Peter and Steve would feel so much worse.

Strange gave an almost blank look at Thor as they stood in the reception of his office.  “I have explained to you the circumstances of -” 

“- He is getting worse!” Thor pleaded.  “Please, can you at least order more MRIs for him to make sure he is not in immediate danger?” 

“The MRIs that have been done have shown me the danger, and compared to some of my other patients, he is not as high a priority.  I removed a bullet from a man’s brain yesterday, and your partner -”

“ _ Please _ !” Thor sobbed.  He put his hands out in front of him, clutching them together as he begged with everything he had.  “If not for him,  _ please  _ do it out of respect for Stark.” 

Strange turned his nose up at that.  He spun around to walk away, but Thor had grabbed him by the shoulder and stopped him.  He slapped Thor’s hand away with an agitated growl. “I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t touch -”

“- I have lost all our money…” Thor admitted shamefully.  “All those millions I swore would be for my partners, I selfishly spent to make myself feel better about the situation.  But I have become so desperate, I stand here today with the offer of signing over millions of dollars’ worth of assets to you if you would  _ just help him _ !” 

“Assets?” 

Thor nodded.  “My company. And my home.  I will sign them to you right now if you will just  _ please  _ help my partner!” 

“And supposing I accept your offer and I operate on him, where will you live then?  On the streets with a man recovering from brain surgery?” Strange rolled his eyes. 

“I have another home.  It is… We were renovating it.  Some rooms are done… I am willing to live in it as long as you help Peter.” 

They stared at each other for a long time, until Strange finally muttered, “I’m not a charity.  I’m only doing this because otherwise I’d have Stark riding my ass.” 

And those words were the first bit of hope Thor had felt in so long. 

* * *

 

When Steve returned home with Bucky accompanying him, the first thing he did was go upstairs to check on Peter and see whose car was in the driveway.  He was relieved when he found it was Peter’s friend upstairs with him, sitting on the bed and holding a towel under Peter’s nose to stem the blood pouring freely from his nostrils. 

“Ronan.” Steve nodded comfortably at the man who hadn’t even looked up from the book on his lap.

“Rogers.” Ronan closed the book and put it on the bedside table before he finally made eye contact with Steve.  With utmost seriousness, he asked, “Are you aware that dysphagia, increased sleep and agonal breathing are all symptoms of end stage brain cancer?” 

Steve sucked in a sharp breath.  Helplessly, he looked to Bucky. Quickly, Bucky uttered out, “But it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s dying, Steve!”

“No.  But it still raises the question as to why he hasn’t been hospitalised.” Ronan gestured to the blankets, and Steve immediately noted that they weren’t the same ones he had put on the bed yesterday.  “I hope you do not mind; he wet the bed and I could not find it in myself to let him lay in it like an animal.” 

Steve felt like he was going to vomit.  He shook his head. “No, of course not, Ronan -  _ thank you _ !  Really.  But Peter has asked us not to take him to a hospital.  He has said that if he passes, he wants it to happen at home where he is comfortable and has us with him to comfort him through it.” 

Ronan let go of the towel so he could drag his fingertips through Peter’s hair.  “I highly suggest for him to receive therapy - and yourselves as well, of course.  This kind of sickness is not to be taken so lightly.” 

Steve sniffed.  He felt Bucky’s hand on his arm, and he leaned into the contact, desperately needing  _ somebody’s  _ comfort right now.  Tears welled in his eyes as he mumbled, “My mother died when I was young…  I’d honestly hoped I would never have to go through this again - but here we are, and I feel so helpless to think there is nothing I can do for Peter, too…” 

Ronan stood.  He came to stand before Steve, towering over his already-formidable height, but Steve wasn’t intimidated; in this moment, he trusted Ronan. 

“There is no shame in needing to talk to someone,” was all Ronan had said before he’d left the room and gone to his car in order to leave.  

Steve turned to look at Bucky with tears rolling down his cheeks.  Regretfully,  _ shamefully,  _ he murmured, “Can you please help me with getting that organised, Buck…?” 

Bucky didn’t hesitate to wrap his arm around Steve’s shoulders and hug him close.  He dropped his temple to rest against Steve’s as he murmured, “You know I’ve got you for anything you need, Stevie.” 

It was moments like these that had Steve re-evaluating his life and just how happy he truly was, because right now, all he could do was hug his best friend tight and cry his heart out. 

* * *

 

When Thor came home that night, he almost couldn’t face Steve.  But to see him downstairs, with Peter and Bucky on the couch with him as they all focused on a board game…

Hell, just seeing Peter out of bed and somewhat smiling was hurting his heart. 

Thor sat on the couch next to Steve and hugged him so tightly, Steve had to push him away in case his spine snapped.  “Steven… Oh, Steven, I am so sorry…” 

Steve frowned, and whatever trace of happiness he’d worn just ten seconds ago had vanished.  He shook his head. “Thor. I don’t want to deal with anything tonight. Okay? I just want to have fun with Bucky and Peter; I  _ can’t  _ deal with anything else right now.  So please. Whatever this is about, we’ll talk about it in the morning.  Okay?” 

Thor nodded.  He kept his arms wrapped loosely around Steve, hiding his face against his lover’s head as he listened to Bucky helping Peter find a word he could make for the Scrabble match. 

Finally, Thor spoke.  “Are Bucky and Peter on a team together…?” 

“Yes, they are.” Steve didn’t want to add on that it was because Peter  _ couldn’t  _ comprehend any words he could make, no matter how simple.  “And you’re going to be on mine so we can beat them. Come on.” 

For the first time in what had felt like an eternity, Thor heard Peter laugh, no matter how small it was.  

“We’re gonna win, Bucky!” Peter announced as he hugged Rocket tighter with one arm and used the other to hug Bucky.  Thor didn’t understand the sudden affection his lover had for someone else; Peter had always needed his distance from people outside of his relationship - but Thor couldn’t think on it too much, because Bucky - such a nervous and flighty person himself - hugged back with his good arm and looked so genuinely happy to be with Peter, Thor couldn’t even be upset.

And this… was how Thor knew he had a  _ long  _ way to go in repairing all the damage he’d caused in his relationship.  


	8. Chapter 8

“My husband asked me to speak to a therapist, and so here I am…” Thor clutched at the knees of his jeans as he made eye contact with the psychologist sitting before him.  “I used to think that I was a great partner, but lately… I realise I am just a piece of shit, and they would be better off without me.” 

“What makes you say that?” The psychologist asked as she scribbled in her notepad.  

“Steven… has not spoken to me for a week.  Not after I told him we had to move.” Thor chewed at his lip as he pondered his own words.  “I think… Steven wants to leave, and I cannot blame him for that - I  _ cannot _ !  But I think he feels like he  _ cannot  _ leave - that if he tries to… I would do something terrible.” 

“To whom, Thor?  Do you know who?” More scribbles, and Thor couldn’t stand to wonder what she was writing. 

“To myself.  I could  _ never  _ hurt -” Thor drifted off abruptly, and he clenched at his jeans more desperately now.  “I lied. I  _ have  _ hurt them.  Many, many times.  But Steven always seemed to move on from it, so I…  I do not know. Perhaps I am more of a fool than I believed.  But I have done so much to them, that I cannot understand why they stay.  Because now… I hate myself so much, I cannot begin to comprehend why they do not hate me, too.” 

“What is it that you’ve done?” 

Thor sniffed back tears at the question.  “I have hurt them… In many different ways, and now that I think about it properly, I fear that I am a monster and I have no place in this world.  I have treated them so terribly, and I - I would never hit them, but… I have yelled, I have accused, I have manipulated - and I have  _ raped _ .  Sometimes when I look at Peter, I know that he is the one with depression and who wants to die and has  _ reason  _ to feel these ways, but…  Sometimes I look at Peter, and I think it is I who should be eating a bullet and not him.” 

“Are you in any danger of harming yourself, Thor?” The scribbles just seemed to become more and more intense, and Thor felt sick at the knowledge.

“I do not believe so.” In the back of his mind, Thor didn’t even believe  _ himself _ .  “I just feel like I am losing myself to someone I never knew I  _ was _ , and it is  _ frightening _ .  But I do not feel like I  _ deserve  _ to feel the way I do because Peter… is  _ dying _ , but he has been so brave through it all, and I…  I am  _ pathetic _ .” 

“You are not; it is  _ okay  _ to feel emotion,” she soothed.  “You are here today, and that’s the important thing.  Tell me more about how your relationship works. Why has Steven not been on speaking terms with you?” 

“I think I broke his heart when I told him we had to move because I signed all our life away to get medical treatment for Peter,” Thor admitted.  “Steven just… He just  _ cried _ .  He never said a word about it to me; he just went upstairs to lay with Peter and keep him comfortable.  He still has not spoken to me, even though we finished moving house this morning. I think Steven has had enough - but he… does not know how to get away.  I feel he feels he  _ needs  _ to stay for Peter’s sake.  ...But I have told Steven… he is free to take Peter and leave me.  They do not deserve what I bring them into.” 

“Could there be any other reason he doesn’t want to leave, perhaps?  Something you have never thought about?” 

Thor pondered the question long and hard until finally, he murmured, “Steven… will never admit it to anyone, but he is afraid of being alone.  It has happened to us before - several times. Steven almost left me after he found out what I did to Peter. When he found out I forced Peter to give me his virginity, he had taken his clothing and spent a week at his friend’s home.  He came back… because our mutual friend told him how I had harmed myself. He said he could not stomach being responsible for my suicide.” 

“What happened after that?  How did you get along together?” 

Thor sniffed back his tears again and shakily, he murmured, “Well, we were not really… as in love as we had been before that.  I still loved Steven - I  _ did _ !  ...But I feel Steven was…  _ wary  _ of me, as if he thought I might do something to him as I had done to Peter.  But I  _ did not _ .  I swear.  I  _ listened  _ to Steven!  I never forced Peter again - I just…!  ...I refused to delete the video Steven would not allow me to keep.  And I never saw anything wrong with my actions until recently. When I look at Peter now, I… I feel so sick to my stomach, I fear I will vomit…”

The psychologist hummed as she continued to write down her notes.  “Still, he wanted to be in a relationship with you?” 

“I do not know anymore; what if I pressured him into that, too?” Thor dropped his face into his hands.  “I am such a disgusting person, and I… I understand if they hate me…” 

“Tell me about your childhood.  What was it like?” 

Thor shrugged.  “It was fine. There was never anything interesting about it.  I was always top of my classes in marks and in my free time, my father prepared me to take over the company.  I was… a spoiled brat. And I still am. And I just wish I was dead.” 

As sympathetic as the psychologist was, she still glanced at her wristwatch and murmured, “I am sorry; we are out of time to go any further.”

Time had felt like it had been at a standstill for Thor, but it must have been going far quicker than he had anticipated.  He sighed heavily, not even having a response for her.

“Would you like to book another appointment?” She offered so gently.  Reluctantly, Thor did so, and soon enough found himself sitting in his car.  

Thor didn’t start the engine.  He was twelve minutes over the time his parking ticket allowed him to stay for, but he didn’t care; let the parking inspector fine him.  He held the keys tight in his hand, hearing the jingle every time he moved them, but he barely registered the sound in his mind. He watched people coming and going, moving on with their busy lives as they smiled and laughed and looked  _ so fucking happy,  _ Thor just wanted the earth to open up and swallow him whole.

Steve had been wrong.  He’d promised the therapy would help, but it really hadn’t.  If Thor were to be honest, he felt  _ worse  _ than he had when he’d first walked into the office.  

Finally, Thor put the key into the barrel and started the engine.  Steve was full of shit, and Thor hated him for getting his hopes up that he would be leaving with everything sorted out.  

* * *

 

When Thor got home, Peter was sitting by the front garden, drawing absent-minded circles into the dirt as he stared down blankly. 

“Peter?” Thor parked his car outside the garage door, knowing they couldn’t use it until the garage was worked on.  He came to kneel by Peter’s side, wishing he knew what to do. “Peter, is this all you have been doing when you would go into the woods at the old house?” 

Peter nodded.  He still looked dazed when Thor grabbed him by the shoulders and pulled him to his feet, but he complied.  “...” 

“Come inside, Peter; it is -” Thor was startled by the sudden scream that erupted from Peter’s throat as he felt himself being spun around to face the front door.  He jumped backwards, almost tripping over Rocket who had also jumped in fright. His heart broke at the way Peter seemed to shut down now, sitting back in the dirt and returning to his circles.  

Thor didn’t know what to think.  All he could do was stare at Peter for several moments he himself went inside to find Steve. 

Steve was in the kitchen - or at least, what was  _ half  _ a kitchen as it hadn’t been completed yet.  When Steve noticed Thor standing in the doorway, Thor couldn’t even decipher the emotion on his face. 

Steve said nothing as snatched paper from the counter he had been wiping down so he could thrust it into Thor’s hands.  

Thor took the paper and read it, horrified to see it was a medical report from Peter’s MRI that morning.  He was sure he would have cried, but he’d used up all his tears in the therapist’s office and he didn’t have any left to shed. 

“The tumour is spreading…?” Thor closed his eyes for a few moments before he looked at the next sheet of paper.  He couldn’t deny the relief he felt flood him at the knowledge that Peter was now two days away from surgery. “Steven, I am -“

Steve turned his back to Thor and went back to what he had doing prior to Thor’s entrance.  He scrubbed the countertops hard, feeling like he could vomit at the fresh mouse droppings that hadn’t been there this morning.  A violent cough escaped his lungs as he disturbed a dust pile. 

“Steven, do not do this to yourself.” Thor came to Steve’s side to take the cloth from him. “Let me do -“

“Fuck off, Thor!” Steve finally snapped.  “It’s  _ your fault  _ we’re here in the first place!  Let me just clean this shit myself so I can go to bed and pretend I don’t feel so fucking sick from this dump of a house!”

Thor stepped back again and blinked away his hurt.  He bowed his head and, without a word, he left the kitchen.  

Steve kept mumbling his disdain to himself as he did his best to clean the kitchen spotless, but before he could finish his task, he caught sight of someone disappearing into the forest at the side of the house. 

“Goddamnit, Peter, not again!” Steve threw his cloth down to the counter as he turned around to stomp out of the house and go after Peter - but what really surprised him was to see Peter, still sitting close to the front door as he hugged Rocket close and stared out across the vast driveway.  “Peter. Did you go into the forest?”

Peter shook his head, but his gaze never broke away from the distance.  “...”

Steve sighed.  He patted Peter’s head gently before he forced his tone to become kinder.  “Stay here for a minute, okay? Wait for me to come back before you go anywhere.”

Peter hummed in acknowledgement, and with that, Steve left to investigate the intruder.  He wondered who it could be, if someone had been living on the property in their absence, or if someone was up to no good. 

It was what he found that broke what was left of Steve’s sanity.  “ _ What are you doing, Thor _ ?!”

Thor looked at Steve, so sadly, Steve couldn’t help but wonder if Thor even had the energy to take the noose from around his neck.  “I am doing the world a favour and killing myself, Steven.”

Steve rushed forward and snatched the rope from around Thor’s neck.  “Don’t be silly! Let  _ me  _ do it instead.  You can stay here and take care of Peter for once.”

“You are  _ not  _ killing yourself, Steven!” Thor roared.  “ _ I  _ am!  I am only a burden!  You are a far better person than I could ever be!”

“You’re not dying, either, you pigheaded bastard!” Steve snapped.  “Let go of the fucking rope! Give it to me! I need it!” 

They fought over the rope so aggressively, each so desperate to end their own lives, neither of them heard the tentative footsteps as Peter approached slowly. 

“Steve…?”

Steve and Thor stopped at Peter’s voice, and when they turned to look at him, they both felt their energy drop completely.  

Steve tried…  _ so hard _ , to be gentle and loving with Peter, but all he could manage was to groan exhaustedly, “What is it, Peter…?”

A single tear rolled down Peter’s cheek as he hugged Rocket tighter to him.  “If you guys die… who’s gonna take care of Rocket for me…?”

If Steve had had any energy left at all to deal with this, he certainly didn’t now.  And the worst part? Steve  _ knew  _ Peter could tell just how exhausted with him they both were. 

“I’m going back inside,” was all Steve could get out as he started stomping back towards the clearing.  “Thor, get Peter and Rocket inside.” 

“Steven, you cannot -“  At Steve’s irate glare, Thor shut up.  He gave a heavy sigh and wrapped his arm around Peter’s shoulders to pull him close.  “Come on, Peter. You do not need to be out here. Go and play in the garden with Rocket.” 

Peter eyed the rope warily.  “N-not until you take the rope down from the tree, Thor…”

Thor relented, just having no energy to argue any longer. He did so, coiling it around his shoulder to transport it easier.  “Happy now?”

Peter shook his head. He sniffed back tears as he looked down at Rocket.  He didn’t know how to express himself right now; express just how devastated the  _ thought  _ of Thor and Steve doing this to themselves made him feel; all he could get out was, “You  _ promised _ , Thor…”

“Promised what?”

“That you would take care of Rocket for me when I die!” The tears slipped down Peter’s cheeks as the fear and the stress and the  _ acceptance  _ filled his expression.  “You  _ promised!  _  But if you die, too, then he will be all alone!  I’m gonna die, but I don’t want Rocket to die, too, Thor!  I  _ don’t!  _  I love him!”

Thor didn’t know why he did it, but the second his phone started ringing in his pocket, Thor left Peter behind to get back to the house and answer Hela’s  call. He didn’t look back once to make sure Peter was safe and still behind him; all that mattered was making his sister happy since he _couldn’t_ _fucking make anyone else happy._

In the end, when Thor had rushed back inside to talk with his sister, Steve felt himself breaking down once again as he was, yet again, tasked with the job of getting Peter from the forest and bringing him back home. 

* * *

 

“Why is she  _ here _ , Thor?” Steve snarled once he’d gotten Peter into bed for the night.  He was pointing to the staircase, just about so fucking  _ done _ with Thor, he was ready to leave and never come back.  

“Hela said she wanted to stay with us for a while, and she would pay us rent if she could stay to help us out.” Thor was so quiet, Steve knew he didn’t want the conversation  _ ever _ .  “I do not see the problem with -”

“- No, you  _ never  _ see the  _ problem  _ with  _ anything  _ you do!” Steve roared.  “ _ Never _ !  Not even when I  _ tell you there’s a fucking problem! _ ” 

It didn’t surprise either of them to hear Peter crying now, from in the living room where they’d had to put their bed because Thor had -!  

Steve slapped his hands to his head and tore at his hair.  He ripped chunks from his scalp as he hissed, “ _ You  _ deal with him, Thor.  I  _ can’t _ .” 

“I cannot either, Steven!” Thor snapped.  “You cannot expect me to -”

“-  _ You expect me to do  _ everything _ , Thor _ !” Steve shoved Thor in the chest hard enough to push him back a few steps.  “You expect me to run after you and clean up all your messes and just - just  _ let you do whatever the fuck you want to do _ !  I’m  _ tired  _ of it, Thor!  I should have known you weren’t going to change after all - even after everything that happened between us!  You tried - I fucking  _ know  _ you did.  And for the longest time you were  _ great _ .  ...But now, I…  You’re worse than ever, and I  _ can’t _ with you!” 

“Then why do you not just leave!” Thor snapped back.  “I have  _ told  _ you to leave if you wanted to!  Why do you stay with me when you hate me?!  Just to hurt me?!”

“Don’t you  _ fucking dare  _ turn this around on me!   _ I  _ am hurting  _ you _ ?!  Thor, ever since I  _ got  _ with you, my life has been one fucking misery after another!  And no matter how fucking hard I try and work out why I stay with you, all I can come up with is that I must be  _ fucking stupid _ !”

“If no one is going to check on him, I will.” 

Steve felt tears well up in his eyes as Hela’s manipulative tone floated down from the staircase.  Instinctively, Steve barred the doorway to the living room to keep her out. “You keep the fuck  _ away  _ from him, you horrible bitch!” 

“ _ Steven _ !  You do not talk to my sister that way!” 

“How about standing up for  _ me _ once in your goddamned fucking life, Thor?!  Show some fucking spine! How many times have I told you just how much of a  _ fucking asshole  _ Hela is, only for you to yell and scream and treat  _ me  _ like  _ I’m  _ the horrible one?!  How many times?! I told you once that she groped me and I  _ never  _ told you again for any of the times after that because you screamed at me like it was  _ my fault  _ she did it!  You’re an abusive ass but your sister is even worse!” 

“At least my sister has  _ respect  _ for people!” Thor shot back.  

Steve couldn’t hold back at those words.  His hand curled into a fist and he punched Thor in the mouth so hard, Thor’s head snapped to the side.  It had been a long time coming, Steve knew, and it had felt so good to get it out, he didn’t even care that Thor struck him back.  

It turned into a full-blown fight at that as Steve lost control and lashed out as violently as he had learned to in the army, and Thor’s emotions took him over too much to be able to stop himself.  They threw punches and kicks as Hela watched from the staircase, smirking, and it ended only when Peter got in the middle of them to try and stop them and he took two fists to the face and a foot to his groin instead. 

Steve was done.  So utterly done, he didn’t say a word as he stomped into the living room to take Rocket and Peter’s favourite blanket and then come back to get Peter outside to his car.  Thor followed them outside, his mouth opening and closing like a fish gulping as he watched Steve settle Peter into the passenger seat. Steve turned back to him, and all he could snarl was, “Tell me you’ll kill yourself if I leave, Thor.  I fucking  _ dare  _ you to.” 

And with that, Steve got into the car and drove them to Bucky’s.

* * *

 

“I can kill him if you want me to.  Really, Steve. I’ll do it.” 

Steve sighed.  He rubbed the wet towel over his face to try and soothe his stress as well as get the dried blood from his face.  He hoped his face wasn’t going to swell and bruise as badly as he anticipated it to, but he was more concerned for Peter than he was for himself.  “Bucky… Just… Just leave Thor. I really… don’t have the energy. Please.” 

From where Bucky sat on the chair opposite the two on his couch, he frowned deeply.  His heart broke at the way Peter was tucked in on himself so tightly as he trembled and kept his head down in order to pick at Rocket’s fur.  Bucky  _ hated  _ the tense atmosphere, so he said the first thing to come to his mind.  “Hey, Peter, does he, uhh… Does he like his vegetables? I have some left over for dinner if you want to feed them to him.” 

Finally, Peter lifted his head to look warily at Bucky.  Steve had already cleaned the blood from his face, but Bucky still cringed at just how puffy his face was as his eye bruised and his split lip stood out so violently against his pale skin.  Peter nodded, and after a moment’s hesitation, he whispered, “He likes corn… Do you have any?” 

“I’m sure I could cook some for him.” Bucky offered a smile, and he was relieved when Peter returned it with a slight one of his own.  “Do you want me to get you anything, Peter? What about you, Steve?” 

“Ice packs would be nice, Buck.” Steve groaned in discomfort as his jaw ached a little to speak.  He looked back to Peter when he felt his lover shift against him. “Peter?” 

Peter got unsteadily to his feet.  His arms tightened around Rocket, and though he trembled violently, still he murmured, “Can I help you…?  Steve always told me you have a bad arm…” 

Bucky was stunned, but he recovered quickly and gave a genuine smile as he nodded.  “Sure thing, Petey. What else does the little guy eat? Maybe we can make him a feast.” 

“Rocket likes lots of stuff…” Peter stumbled his way into the kitchen, but Steve could see his body relaxing just the tiniest bit.  “Umm… What did you do to your arm, anyway?” 

“It happened when I was in the army.  Stevie and I both were, actually. See, one day we got separated from our unit and caught up in the middle of a shootout.” Bucky was patient as he told the painful story to Peter, and Steve could have cried from how happy it made him to know just how much Bucky accepted Peter for Steve’s sake.  It was a memory neither of them spoke to anyone - not even to each other - so to have him telling Peter so casually, just to take his mind off things… “...And so there I was, bleeding out, but Steve wouldn’t leave me - made sure I’d been recovered and treated before he would leave my side. I never really got full use of it back, but it works sometimes.” 

Steve listened to the questions Peter asked with childlike wonder, and as painful as it was, Steve couldn’t help but realise, Peter tended to get on with Bucky much better than he usually did with Thor.  Was there a reason for that? Or was Peter just so sick of Thor’s treatment as well, but couldn’t even realise it? 

Steve deflated with a heavy sigh.  Oh, well. Whatever the reason, Steve was sure Peter had his reasons.  


	9. Chapter 9

“Peter…  Peter, wake up.” Steve tried not to pay any heed to how difficult Peter had become to wake; tried not to remember just how similar it was to how he had once tried to shake his mother out of death but achieved nothing except upsetting himself more.  

Sometimes, as silly as Steve knew he was being, he couldn’t help but shake Peter and fear that he, too, had passed in his sleep, and once again he hadn’t been able to say his goodbyes.  

But Peter soon shifted, and ever-so-slowly, he roused.  His eyes cracked open. “Steve… Dun wann’... Tired…” 

“You don’t want to get up?” Steve dragged his knuckles down Peter’s cold cheekbone in what he hoped Peter would realise was comfort.

Peter shook his head.  “Dun’ wan’... Dun’ wan’…  Sleep… Wan’ sleep…” 

Steve couldn’t be sure, but he had a feeling Peter was trying to tell him he didn’t want sex, but couldn’t even work out  _ what  _ he didn’t want.  Peter was used to putting out for Thor at all hours of the night and morning; Steve wasn’t sure Peter’s mind and body could ever forget that kind of commitment so easily.  “But if you wake up, I can help you get ready and we can leave for your surgery that’ll help you feel better,” Steve murmured. “Don’t you want that, Peter? Hmm?” 

Peter fell silent for a few moments.  His eyes slipped closed again, and Steve had almost thought Peter had gone back to sleep.  But finally, Peter uttered, “Feel better, Steve…?” 

“Yes.” Steve grabbed Peter’s hand and squeezed it tightly.  “Feel better.” 

Peter hummed softly.  “I wan’... feel better, Steve…” 

“Then come and have a shower first.  Come on. We’ll shower together.” 

Peter allowed himself to be coaxed out of bed.  He stumbled and almost fell, saved only by Steve wrapping his arms around him and holding him close.  The short walk across the bedroom floor to the bathroom was a slow, unsteady one, but Steve was patient; Peter couldn’t really walk anymore, and it would  _ never  _ be his fault.

Even in the shower, Steve had to hold Peter steady.  It had come on so quickly; the previous morning he’d been fine and helping Bucky make breakfast.  Then the seizures came, and Peter…

Well, hopefully Peter was going to be okay soon. 

“Hold on to me, okay?” Steve waited until Peter had wrapped his arms around him before he reached for the shampoo and lathered both of their heads with it.  “You’re going to be okay; I promise, Peter. Strange is a really good doctor, and he’s going to help you. You’ll feel better soon.”

Peter hummed.  He dropped his face to Steve’s shoulder and nibbled at the soft flesh.  Steve didn’t think he was doing it to be sexual; instead, there was something…  _ affectionate  _ in his actions. 

Steve chuckled when Peter lifted his head to nuzzle their cheeks together.  “What are you doing, Peter?” 

Peter hummed again.  “Just wan’… be with Steve.”

Steve smiled.  He grabbed the back of Peter’s head and pulled him in close for a kiss, a deep, proper kiss that he hadn’t realised until now hadn’t been shared between them for so long due to the circumstances. 

Peter moaned into the kiss and pressed their bodies closer.  Steve hadn’t seen him display such clear love and affection since he’d gotten sick, and that kind of knowledge  _ hurt _ .  

Steve was the one to pull away and drop their foreheads together.  He gave a fond smile before he murmured, “Let’s just focus on getting clean, okay, Peter?”

Peter hummed in response.  He held on to Steve, never letting go as his lover grabbed the soap and started scrubbing his body.  It was when he felt his groin being grabbed did he whimper and pull away, uttering a nervous, “N-no…” 

Steve immediately let go of Peter’s length, honestly surprised by Peter’s reaction - but, the more Steve thought about it as he tried to work out what was going on in his lover’s mind, the more he understood it.  Gently, he murmured, “I’m sorry, Peter. I won’t touch you there again, okay? But you should clean yourself there. You clean you and I’ll clean me.” 

Peter sniffed and turned to the side so Steve couldn’t grab him again.  “No touch, Steve… Dun’ like.” 

“You don’t like it?” Steve chewed at his lip.  “What about Thor? What about when Thor would touch you?”

Peter’s frown deepened, and Steve hoped it was just water from the shower and not tears he could see in his eyes.  “...Thor… No, dun’ like… Scary, Steve. No like touch there.” 

Steve slowed his movements in scrubbing his body with soap.  He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, knowing he should just drop the subject and give Peter enough respect to leave him alone about something he was clearly now uncomfortable with.  

But still, Steve couldn’t help but murmur, “What about when you touch yourself…?”

Peter hummed.  “Touch myself…?  Why, Steve? Why touch myself…?  Touch there? Why?” 

Steve almost couldn’t speak past the golf ball lodged in this throat.  His mouth opened and closed wordlessly for a few seconds before he whispered, “Don’t worry, Peter; if you don’t like it, then that’s fine.  You don’t… have to do anything for anyone ever again…” 

Steve felt like crying at his own implication that Peter would never see Thor again - but truthfully?  Steve didn’t  _ want  _ Peter seeing Thor again.  Thor was just… 

Peter could be  _ so  _ much happier  _ away  _ from Thor, where he didn’t have to put up with Thor’s rough treatment, or have his body made use of constantly… 

Steve gave a heavy sigh and made sure they both left the shower within the next two minutes so he didn’t have to see the way Peter’s hand moved so uncertainly - so  _ unknowingly  _ \- in an attempt to clean himself, but whatever relief Steve had hoped for once he’d gotten Peter back to Bucky’s bed didn’t come; instead, he only felt worse at knowing just how dependent Peter had become on someone helping him just to  _ walk _ . 

Peter may as well have been bed-bound.  His legs barely worked now, and what little distance he could cover on his own always came to a crashing halt every time he collapsed.  Steve felt bad for leaving him in the bedroom while he went out to the kitchen to make himself a coffee, but the last thing he wanted was Peter falling over and waking Bucky up on the couch. 

Peter seemed to understand though; the tears of shame in his eyes made Steve feel like the worst person in the world at knowing just how little there was that he could do to help Peter. 

Finally, Steve was ready to leave.  He kept his arm around Peter and supported him out to the living room - but as Steve stood by the front door, trying to fish the house keys from his pocket with one hand so he could lock the door behind him, Peter slipped from his grasp and fell into the corner table with a deafening crash. 

Steve cursed his luck as he dived in front of Peter and raised his hands out in front of him so he could exclaim, “Bucky, it’s me!”

Bucky’s angry footfalls came to a standstill as he himself rounded the corridor and was standing before them.  He immediately lowered the gun he had raised, and his head bowed in deep apology as he uttered something indistinguishable. 

Steve took a deep breath now that the danger was over.  “I’m sorry we woke you, Buck; Peter had another fall.”

Bucky was frowning, and as his eyes settled on Peter’s form, still curled on the ground, he murmured, “I hope it goes well today, Steve…”

“Thank you…” And with that, Steve got the hug he had so desperately been needing.  

Steve got Peter out to the car without any further dramas.  He got him into the passenger seat and strapped him in safely before he went back for Peter’s blanket, which Steve was sure had quickly become a soothing point for him.  

It was when Steve had driven out of the driveway and to the next street did Peter mumble, “We forgot Rocket…”

“Bucky is gonna take care of him for you while you have your surgery,” Steve promised gently.  

“He no come, Steve…?”

“No, Peter.  But he’ll be safe with Bucky and I’ll even get Buck to send me photos of him every day so you can see him.”

“‘Kay…” Peter was quiet again for a few moments, but eventually, he murmured, “Where Thor…?”

“He’s at home.  He…” How did Steve explain this to Peter when his brain was  _ dying _ …?  “...He’s sick.”

Peter hummed.  He fell into silence once more, and Steve didn’t try and get him to speak.  Instead, Steve had fallen into such deep thought, he didn’t even realise he’d been sitting at a green light until the car behind had honked their horn at him. 

Steve turned to look at Peter and make sure he was doing okay, but what he found only added to the pain in his heart at knowing just how sick Peter had become.  Peter was staring down at his lap, his jeans unzipped and his erection standing proudly in the air as he stared down at it like it was his first time seeing it. 

Steve cleared his throat and pointed to the blanket at Peter’s feet.  “Put your blanket over that, Peter. We’re in public.”

Peter did as he was told, but soon enough, even the blanket couldn’t hide the fact that his hand was moving curiously against himself.  Steve didn’t stop him; who knew what mess was going on inside Peter’s head, and it was something Steve didn’t want to be involved in. 

Peter came.  Fast, and all over his clothing and blanket.  Steve wished he’d had the foresight that this was going to happen, because once he parked his car in the hospital parking lot, he had no choice but to keep Peter’s blanket wrapped around him and hope Peter didn’t take it off.  He should have stopped his lover, at least to spare Peter the embarrassment that would surely come for him if people were to find him with semen splattered on his clothing.

But, as Steve walked Peter in to the hospital with one arm around his shoulders so he could keep the blanket wrapped firmly around him, Steve kept his head bowed as he realised he’d become so beaten down, he hadn’t even been able to find the energy to put his lover’s best interests first.    

Steve was quiet and withdrawn as he signed in their arrival with the hospital staff, and he filled out all of the paperwork himself so Peter could rest against him and pick at his blanket.  Finally, once all that was done, they were told to take a seat before they would be brought through to get ready. 

“Steve…” Peter wasted no time in climbing onto Steve’s lap and cuddling in close.  “Steve…” 

Steve wrapped his arms around Peter and held him close.  “What is it, Peter?” 

Peter hummed, but he didn’t respond.  He grabbed at Steve’s hair and pulled it closer to his mouth so he could nibble at it, like a curious baby seeing their mother’s long hair as a toy.  Steve stopped him, gently, yet firmly, unable to bear seeing what the cancer was doing to Peter’s mind. Peter had come so far… 

But now, Peter was just a shell of everything he could have grown to be, and the knowledge of that made Steve feel like he just wanted to die.

Steve rubbed his hands against Peter’s sides as Peter snuggled against him, rubbing their cheeks together and nibbling at Steve’s neck in an almost playful manner.  Steve wasn’t complaining; he had a feeling that somewhere in Peter’s broken mind, his spirits had lifted at knowing he was finally getting help. 

“I’m sure the doctor will be out soon to see you,” Steve murmured to Peter.  He didn’t think they’d wait for too long. He’d gotten them there early with fifteen minutes to spare, and he expected maybe another ten minutes on top at the most. 

But they waited. ...And waited.  ...And waited some more, until a nurse finally approached them with remorse on her face. 

Steve instinctively pulled Peter against him as the worst came to mind. “...”

“I’m really sorry to have to tell you this, but…” the nurse fumbled her hands together before she murmured, “...Doctor Strange was involved in a car crash last night, and…  There won’t be anyone who can take over your partner’s surgery.”

Steve felt his world crumbling at those words, but no matter how much they crushed him, when he looked at Peter’s empty expression and emotionless eyes, Steve couldn’t help but wonder. 

If Steve was heartbroken…  Just how badly was Peter taking this?

* * *

 

“Peter isn’t eating.” Bucky stood in the doorway of his bedroom to look at Steve and make the announcement regretfully.  “He won’t even drink anything I’ve tried to give to him.” 

“He’s given up,” Steve murmured.  He pulled the blankets higher over his body and continued to stare out of the window.  “Whatever bit of hope he had left that he was going to get better… Bucky, I can’t imagine…”

“And what about you?” Bucky moved to take a seat on the bed and drag his fingers through Steve’s hair.  “Have you given up, too…?”

Steve was silent for several moment before he muttered, “Thor stupidly signed away our life to help him - and it was all for nothing.  We did what we could for Peter, Bucky… And nothing’s worked. The last chance we had, it… It’s backfired.  _ Hard _ .”

“Steve…” Bucky didn’t hesitate to lay down and take Steve into his arms.  “Steve, you’re not okay, are you…?”

“No, I’m not, Bucky.  I…” Tears of shame welled in Steve’s eyes now as he recalled the memory.  “...I fought Thor for the rope he was going to hang himself with… because  _ I  _ wanted to hang myself instead…”

Bucky’s arms became impossibly tight around Steve.  Steve hadn’t realised just how desperate he was to be held like this until someone had finally given it to him.  “Stevie… I know things are hard, but… We’re gonna get through them, Stevie. I’ll help you pay for chemotherapy for Peter - you guys can even stay here as long as you need.  I’ll help as much as I can, Steve.”

“Bucky, I  _ can’t _ .” Steve rolled over so he could face Bucky.  “You took care of me for so long after my mum died; you’ve already done  _ so much  _ for me - and with your arm, I just - I-I  _ can’t _ take advantage of you, Bucky.  What has happened to Peter will  _ never  _ be because of you, and it’s not right for me to burden you with Peter, Bucky.” 

“Steve, you’re getting so depressed, and don’t try to tell me you aren’t; you  _ never  _ stay in bed during the day, young man!” 

Steve couldn’t help but smile and choke out a laugh.  “Young? Then what do you consider yourself to be? Ancient?”

“Ancient enough to still whoop your butt if you try and defy me.” Bucky smiled back and nuzzled his forehead against Steve’s.  “Are you sure you’re gonna stay in bed all day, Steve? I think Peter needs you.” 

Steve gave a sad hum.  “Bucky… What would you say if I told you I don’t think I can be what Peter needs anymore?” 

Bucky frowned.  He stroked Steve’s head gently before he murmured, “Well, first of all, I’d ask where the  _ real  _ Steve Rogers is because the Steve I know wouldn’t give up like this.  But second of all, I’d say… that you’re only human, and you must be  _ exhausted _ .  I can’t blame you - really, I can’t, Steve.  But Peter… needs someone.  _ Anyone _ .  Because if I am to be truthful…  I feel like now he’s just  _ waiting  _ to die, Steve…” 

“He is; I know him, Bucky.  But I just… I  _ can’t _ .  I don’t even know if  _ I  _ can go on, let alone keep holding Peter up, too.  I’m so tired, Bucky. So  _ tired _ …” 

Bucky sighed sadly.  He pressed their temples together and made sure to rub what he hoped were soothing circles into the top of Steve’s head.  “I know, Stevie… I know…” 

For the first time in so long, Steve let himself cry freely; let himself receive all the comfort and affection he hadn’t had for so long, he’d almost forgotten what it felt like to have someone hold him as he cried.  

Steve had thought about it a handful of times before.  Thought about how miserable it was to know that Thor seemed to have abandoned all care he had previously to Steve’s emotional needs once he’d found Peter.  But Steve had made excuses for Thor’s behaviour; told himself that he didn’t  _ really  _ care because he wasn’t the kind of man who needed someone to obsess over him. 

But when moments like these had arisen, Steve couldn’t help but miss the warmth and safety Thor’s arms had always provided him - he’d just never really realised just how badly he needed his partner until now. 

* * *

 

Steve eventually dragged himself out of Bucky’s bed.  Eventually, once he heard Peter crying his heart out on the living room couch. 

“Peter?” Steve rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he came to kneel by the couch.  He put his hand on Peter’s shoulder, trying to stop him from thrashing as he ripped at his hair and keened.  “Peter, is it a headache again?” 

Steve didn’t get a response in any form that  _ wasn’t  _ desperate thrashing.  He stood up again, and without a word he searched top and bottom through the house in search of any painkillers he could find.  He found nothing, though, and Steve felt himself breaking down at the realisation that the only choices he had right now were to either let Peter suffer, or leave him home on his home like this so he could go and buy more painkillers.  

Steve wasn’t willing to do either, so he sucked his pride up and retrieved his phone so he could send a text message to the first person in his inbox.   _ -Hello, Sam.  Sorry to bother you so late at night, but could you please bring me some painkillers out to Bucky’s home?  Peter’s in a really bad way and I can’t leave him here on his own.-  _

Sam’s response was quick, and Steve was just relieved he had such a good circle of friends.   _ -Sure thing.  Be there shortly.- _

Steve went back to Peter’s side to hold his hand and do his best to comfort him through the pain.  “Shh, shh… I know it hurts, Peter; I know… Sam’s going to be here shortly with some medicine and you’ll feel better.  Just hang on for a little while, okay?” 

If Peter was hearing anything Steve was saying, he didn’t show it; he only continued to thrash and scream and keen as he ripped chunks out of his hair in his agony.  He kept going for what felt like an eternity until he was leaning up on one arm and vomiting all over himself, the couch, his blanket, and the floor. Steve didn’t realise until he’d put his hand on the blanket as he moved to wrap Peter in one arm and hold him through it, but Peter had also wet himself, and Steve  _ cringed  _ as he tried to wipe hastily the urine off the palm of his hand and onto an area of Peter’s blanket that hadn’t been tainted yet. 

Steve felt himself about to cry again.  Peter’s screaming was only getting louder, and he didn’t stop thrashing until his voice had gone hoarse and he’d exhausted himself into laying sadly in his own waste as vomit continued to push past his lips.  Steve couldn’t imagine the kind of pain Peter was in right now. 

“Peter…” Steve wiped at his eyes to try and hide his tears.  “Peter, I’m going to call Tony tomorrow, okay? I’m going to try and get you chemotherapy and see if that helps.  I know you don’t want chemo… I know how frightening it must be for you - how  _ hard  _ it must be to make such a life-changing decision…  But Peter… I  _ can’t  _ stand to see you like this, and I’m sorry…  Even if you hate me for it, I  _ have  _ to do this for you.  I know I never say this to you enough, but I  _ love you _ , Peter…  Even when it doesn’t feel like I do…  I love you… So much… And I can’t leave you to suffer like this…” 

Peter’s exhausted gaze focused on Steve’s face when he felt his lover rub his knuckles against his cheek.  His breaths came in the forms of sharp gasps as he fought against the agony that had his head feeling like it was being split in two, but he couldn’t speak; he couldn’t even  _ think _ . 

Steve’s tears came harder as he wiped away vomit and spit from Peter’s cheeks.  He could see the blood starting to mingle now, too; his nostrils wanting to join in on the action and bleed everywhere, as if Peter wasn’t suffering enough right now.

The doorbell rang, right as the first tear rolled down Peter’s cheek.  Steve was quick to get up and leave to answer it, and when he found Sam standing on the doorstep, all he could do was draw his friend into a tight hug and cry.

Sam was taken by surprise, not used to seeing his friend - his strong, respectful and  _ admirable  _ friend - so broken down and defeated.  Needless to say, when Sam wrapped his own arms around Steve in confusion, he truly had no idea what to say.  


	10. Chapter 10

Peter was going to hate Steve, and Steve knew it.  He’d known it ever since he’d called Tony and asked for a loan to get Peter chemotherapy.  He’d known it ever since Tony hadn’t hesitated in the slightest to put the money into Steve’s account so Steve could book the appointment.  And Steve had known it the second he’d coaxed Peter into the car without telling him where they were going so he could drive him to the hospital and  _ hope  _ things would work.

Peter was going to hate Steve, but Steve didn’t care; if it helped Peter and saved his life, Steve was okay with being hated.  

But Peter realised what was happening when Steve parked the car at the hospital, and as expected, he acted out. 

“No!” Peter wailed loudly as he tried to escape Steve’s arms that had come to help free him from the seatbelt.  “Steve, no! Don’ wan’! Don’ wan’!” 

“Peter, please!” Despite how frail Peter had become, it was still a struggle to contain Peter when he was thrashing wildly.  “I know you hate hospitals, but  _ please,  _ Peter!” 

Peter screamed, long and loud as he was pulled from the car and forced towards the hospital.  Steve felt panicked at the idea that people would see them and think Peter was in danger, so it was a relief to him when the nurses took them immediately through upon seeing the state Peter was in.  Even that couldn’t help soothe Peter; instead, it only made him worse. 

“Le’ go!” Peter screamed at the top of his lungs as he pushed back with all the strength he had left in his body when he realised he was being restrained within a chair.  “No! No! Steve!”

The nurses struggled to keep Peter in place.  They looked at Steve questioningly, as if asking him what they were supposed to do after all, and all Steve could say was, “Keep going…  Please.” 

Steve hadn’t thought Peter could get any worse than he already was, but apparently he was wrong, because once Peter felt the prick of the needle in his arm, his screams were deafening, and his struggles found strength enough to knock one of the nurses over.  

Steve felt sick at the way he was forced to restrain Peter in place.  He could feel his own headache coming on as Peter screamed into his ear, but it was okay; Steve  _ had  _ to do this, and no matter what it took, he wasn’t going to let Peter die. 

The chemo went quicker than Steve had thought it would, and he was sure that the only reason Peter seemed to calm down was because of the entire process exhausting him too much for him to be able to keep up his struggles. 

That changed when Steve got Peter back to the car, however.  Steve had sat him back into the passenger seat, belted him in safely, and tried to clean up the mess Peter had made in his pants as best he could before he returned to the driver’s seat and drove them away from the hospital. 

Peter was glaring at Steve, but Steve didn’t care; he could handle it.  The glare never faltered, though; it only grew angrier until Peter finally spat, “ _ Hate  _ you!  Wan’ Thor!” 

Steve stomped the accelerator so hard, his car spluttered at the sudden force.  He’d been prepared for Peter to hate him, and he’d thought he’d be able to handle it - but after everything Steve had done for him… Everything Steve had _ sacrificed  _ for him!  He…! 

Steve twisted his body and raised his hand in the air threateningly.  Peter whimpered and recoiled, and fresh tears fell from his eyes now. 

Steve lowered his hand with a sigh and turned back to the road. “I’m sorry, Peter…  I’m not going to hit you. You want Thor? You can have him. I can’t put up with this any longer.”

Not a word was spoken between them now as Steve drove them to Thor’s.  Steve was done. Utterly, entirely done. Peter hating him was one thing, but to want Thor over him when Thor had done  _ nothing  _ except make things worse… 

Needless to say, when Steve got to Thor’s, he’d gotten Peter out of the car and onto the doorstep within seconds.  He rang the doorbell, but he didn’t wait for Thor to open the door before he stomped back to his car. 

“Steve!” Peter reached out for his lover, and when Steve didn’t even turn back to face him, tears fell from his eyes.  “Steve, no leave! No leave!” 

Steve heard Peter try to stumble after him, and just as he expected, he heard the telltale sounds of Peter falling into the dirt.  Steve still didn’t stop, didn’t look back once when Peter starting crying and sobbing for him to come back; he just ignored the front door of the mansion opening and Thor’s confused voice calling to him so he could get back into his car and leave and pretend he wasn’t feeling more emotion right now than he wanted to.

Nope.  Steve wasn’t going to cry.  No, he wasn’t. Nu-uh. Steve had no reason to cry; he was doing himself a favour and ridding everything that only worked  _ against  _ his mental health.  With Thor and Peter gone, Steve had a chance to be happy again.  Yep. He could rebuild his life and start from scratch and maybe this time, he’d find someone who genuinely loved him. 

...Who was Steve trying to kid?  Steve pulled the car over to the side of the road and chewed at his fingernails as he resisted the temptation to go back for Peter.  

Peter wasn’t okay with Thor.  Thor wouldn’t look after him properly - especially not in this state.  And what if  _ Hela  _ was still there?  

“I need to go back…” Steve shifted the gearbox into reverse, ready to back into a driveway he was parked next to and turn around to return to Thor’s.  But before he could even collaborate the clutch and throttle together, he put the gear selector back into first and prepared to continue on his way.

It was okay that Steve needed a few hours to himself, right?  Of  _ course  _ it was okay!  Steve just needed a break!  Besides, this was all  _ Thor’s  _ mess, so  _ Thor  _ could take care of Peter for once!  

Just…  Steve emotionally could not handle this right now.  He  _ couldn’t _ .  

...But when Steve thought about just how scared and confused Peter must be, Steve couldn’t fight back the tears.  He cried, still on the side of the road and not caring in the least if someone were to hit him. Maybe if he were lucky, a semi would take him out and he wouldn’t have to put up with this any longer.

* * *

 

Bucky wasn’t home when Steve went back to his house that night.  Steve wasn’t concerned; knowing Bucky, he was out with their physiotherapist friend, T’Challa, who seemed to have personally taken over Bucky’s care himself.  On one hand, Steve was glad for Bucky - but on the other, it meant Steve was left alone with his thoughts.

The hours had long passed since Steve had abandoned Peter with Thor.  He’d hoped for some peace, some solitude to work through the crushing emotions he’d been harboring for so long now, but all it had done was make him feel sick at knowing he hadn’t been able to keep his promise to Peter and always be there for him. 

Steve probably should have made dinner since he hadn’t eaten all day, but instead, he’d chosen to sit on the couch and pull his phone from his pocket so he could open up the cameras in Thor’s mansion they’d installed when they’d first started renovating it. 

Steve didn’t know why he was so disappointed when he’d already been expecting to find Thor absent from the mansion.  He’d known Thor couldn’t be counted on to take proper care of Peter on his own - just because Peter was fast asleep in what had once been  _ their  _ bed didn’t mean Steve wanted him to be alone; what if he had another seizure and no one was there to help him? 

Steve had almost turned the camera feed off so he could text Thor and tell him to be back with Peter, but just before his finger clicked the exit button, he saw the door opening to the room, and Hela’s long, black hair entering.  

Steve froze.  He wanted to turn his phone off and get back to the mansion, but he couldn’t seem to do anything except watch helplessly as Hela approached Peter with a glass of water in her hand that Steve didn’t trust one bit. 

He raised his hand to his mouth to chew at his flesh as he watched Hela shake Peter awake roughly and offer him the water.  Steve wasn’t surprised that Peter turned his head to the side and tried to go back to sleep; Peter hadn’t been eating or drinking, and Steve knew he didn’t trust Hela’s intentions either.

Steve almost threw his phone in anger as Hela grabbed Peter by the face and squeezed his jawbones to force his mouth open and tip the water in.  Peter choked and spluttered, trying to roll away from her weakly, but still, Steve was frozen in horror. He’d never felt so helpless before as he watched the way Hela clambered onto the bed and forced Peter’s clothing from his body.

Steve cried as he watched on, and the worst part?  He wanted to go and save Peter, but he couldn’t even  _ move _ .  He was frozen in place, unable to even tear his eyes away from what was happening, until his phone beeped with a notification that the outside security system had been tripped.

Thor was home, Steve knew.  Thor was home, and he was going to walk into that, and Thor was going to…

Steve dropped his phone to the ground as he rushed outside to his car.  He could picture it now already; Thor was going to find them, and Peter was going to be  _ hurt _ .

* * *

 

Steve broke the front door of the mansion down in his rush to rescue Peter. He could hear Peter’s loud sobs coming from the living room, and his heart raced to think of what Thor could have done to him in his anger. 

Steve rammed the living room door open, prepared for anything - except for seeing Thor sitting on their bed, with Peter on his lap and his arms wrapped tightly around his shaking partner.  Thor himself looked shell-shocked, like he truly didn’t know what to do.

When Thor spoke, Steve could hear the shake in his voice.

“I am sorry I did not listen to you, Steven…” Thor’s eyes were red and puffy, like he had been crying, too.  But Steve couldn’t feel any empathy for him; all of this could have been avoided had Thor just  _ listened _ !  “I did not want to believe that my sister could be so terrible…” 

Steve shook his head.  He had nothing to say to Thor; not until he’d come to stand by his husbands’ sides so he could put his hand on Peter’s shaking shoulder.  He let out a heavy sigh.

But Thor didn’t hesitate to speak again.  “Please take Peter away from me, Steven. Please.  I love him so much, but I… I cannot take care of him…  I only hurt him, no matter what I do, and Peter does not deserve  _ any  _ of what has happened because of me.  Steven… Please do not bring him back here until I am better.” 

Steve could barely sleep past the lump in his throat.  “Thor… What about  _ me… _ ?” 

“What about you?” Thor asked it so matter-of-factly, Steve felt as if his heart had been ripped from his chest. 

Steve sobbed loudly now.  He let go of Peter so he could pull his wedding ring from his finger and drop it onto Thor’s lap.  He scooped Peter up in his arms as he sobbed out, “I want nothing more to do with you, Thor. Please do not contact me again unless it’s to tell me you realise what you’ve done to me.” 

Steve carried Peter away from Thor, but he hesitated in the doorway.  He sucked in a deep breath as he shifted Peter in his hold so he could take the ring from Peter’s finger and drop it to the floorboards beneath them.  

“Steven…” A single tear rolled down Thor’s cheek as he watched the ring bounce beneath Steve’s feet.

“He was always more mine than he ever was yours,” Steve muttered bitterly.  “You never saw Peter as a human being - only something you could stick your dick in whenever you wanted to.  It was always me… who saw him as a person. And who treated him accordingly and looked after him. Even when he was a brat towards me, Thor.  He was always mine, and I wish I had seen this sooner before all this happened.” 

Thor couldn’t speak as Steve carried Peter away.  He could only watch, tears rolling down his cheeks as Steve’s words echoed in his mind. 

As much as Thor didn’t want to admit it, he knew it was better this way.  If he wasn’t around, everyone would be happy. Thor could only ever bring them down and ruin their lives - just like how he had ruined his own.  

No.  It was better this way.  He knew that Steve would take care of Peter - better than he himself could have ever taken care of him.  Peter would be okay.

But Thor…?  Thor was  _ never  _ going to be okay.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and dialled his brother’s number.  As soon as Loki answered, Thor sobbed, “Loki…? Can you please come see me?  I fear I am going to do something terrible…”

* * *

 

Peter was still crying when Steve got him back to Bucky’s.  He allowed himself to be carried inside, clinging to Steve’s leather jacket desperately as he continued to shake.  Steve couldn’t even care that he himself was still crying; Bucky wasn’t home, and honestly, the whole world could see him right now and he wouldn’t have thought twice about it.

Peter refused to let Steve leave him.  Even once he was laying on the couch, with his hand firmly in one of Steve’s as his blanket was draped over his body.  He vomited, side-effects from the chemotherapy, but that was the least of his problems; he couldn’t shake the memory of what Hela had done to him, and the thought of Steve leaving him again was just too much for him to cope with.

Steve stayed by Peter’s side throughout it all, even long after Peter had cried himself into sleep again.  He sighed heavily as he grabbed his phone from the carpet, unlocking it and finding Hela’s number so he could message her.

_ -If I ever see you again, I swear that Thor might not kill you, but I will.  You come near my partner again and you will regret what you’ve done to him.-  _  There was so much Steve wanted to add into the text, but with just how frail his emotions were right now, he couldn’t trust himself to keep typing.  He’d have to go the police station first thing tomorrow morning instead. Hopefully Bucky would be home and could take care of Peter for him, but if not, he would think of something.  

Hela replied back far faster than Steve had hoped she would.   _ -I’m so scared.  The little whore deserved it.  He made my brother sell our father’s company, and now I’ve lost my money.  You’re lucky Thor got back when he did; I had a nice little bottle of rat poison I was going to make him drink after I finished with him.  But it’s okay; he seemed to enjoy the aphrodisiac I gave him because he came ;) - _

Steve threw his phone against the wall.  He had half a mind to ring Bucky and ask to borrow one of his guns - but Steve quickly shook that out of his head.  He was already losing so much; his loved ones, his religion, his  _ life _ …  

The last thing Steve needed was to go to jail for shooting Hela. 

Steve didn’t reply back to her.  It wasn’t because he didn’t want to, but rather, he couldn’t, unless he declined Tony’s call in favour of texting her back. 

Steve got to his feet to retrieve his phone and answer his friend’s call, but he couldn’t hide the exhaustion from his voice.  “Hello, Tony…”

“Hey, Rogers, I got good news.”  Steve failed to realise how  _ anything  _ could be good news these days.  “I went and I saw Strange earlier.  I told him how pissed I was that he couldn’t have smashed his car  _ after  _ treating Quill.  He told me to tell you there’s only one other hope for him, so I have plane tickets booked for tomorrow morning.”

Maybe it was the stress of everything that had happened, but Steve wasn’t following.  “What…?”

“Kamar-Taj.  There’s only one other person who can help Quill, and Strange says he trusts her, so I trust her, too.”

“Tony, if I put Peter on a plane, his brain will swell and he will -“

“- Rogers, I’ve _seen_ Quill.  He’s _dying_ _anyway_.  You and I both know there’s not a damn thing that was gonna save him except for Strange.  He was _going_ to _die_ , Rogers.  And I’ll stake everything I have that he has maybe a week left before he dies.  He’s not going to make it, Rogers. He’s _not_.  He’ll be a vegetable within days and then he’s never going to wake up again.”

Steve choked on a sob.  “I get the point, Stark!  Okay!”

“All I’m saying is, he has a chance.  Now, you can take the chance of chemo actually  _ doing  _ something and let him suffer such a miserable existence until he carks it…  Or you can take the chance that he can survive a flight to where his only hope is.  It’s up to you, Rogers. You think about it. The plane leaves at eight AM tomorrow morning.  You can catch the flight, or you can keep Quill home to keep suffering something so horrible, I just want to take him and put him out of his misery myself.  The choice is yours, Rogers. Don’t disappoint me.”

The call ended abruptly.  Steve closed his eyes and fought back his tears as his heart raced and his body trembled.  If only Bucky were here to help him decide what to do.

But of course, as always, everything was left up to Steve.  It might not have been so bad if he had more options to choose from. Really, it might not have been.  But all he had right now were bad choices. 

And the worst part?  Steve still had to choose. 


	11. Chapter 11

Peter cracked open an eyelid when he heard the door of Steve’s Lexus open and close as Steve got back into the car.  He groaned in displeasure at being snapped out of his nice little nap, but even so, he turned his head to make sure Steve really wasn’t going to make him go inside that big, unnerving building. 

“Steve…” Peter groaned again as his body ached in pain.  “Steve done…?”

Steve nodded.  He reached out to take his partner’s hand and squeeze it, hoping that Peter was going to remain calm and relaxed for a while longer.  “Are you feeling okay from the sedatives?”

“Hngh…  Sleepy…”  Peter’s voice was slurred, and it was getting harder and harder to understand what he was saying.  

“Go back to sleep, Peter; the police aren’t going to bother you today.  They said it’s okay because I gave them the security footage and her text messages.”  Steve didn’t know if he should tell Peter what had happened inside the police station, or if he should just let Peter rest since they had a flight to catch.  In the end, he decided that Peter had a right to know. “...The police told me that Thor and Loki have already reported Hela… So it’s going to be okay; she won’t get away with what she did to you.”

Peter hummed.  He cracked open his eyelid once more and mumbled, “Steve no take Peter to hos’pal ‘gain…?”

“No, Peter; that was just for a rape kit to be ran on you.  You won’t need to do it again; I promise,” Steve reassured.

“No like…” Peter sniffed loudly, and Steve hoped he wasn’t crying again.  “No like… Bad. Bad Peter.”

“You’re not bad,” Steve promised.  “It wasn’t your fault.” 

“Thor do to Peter, too.  Thor scary.” Peter’s voice was so slurred, Steve didn’t even know if he was hearing correctly.  “Thor do to Peter. Hurt, Steve. Hurt and scary. No like Thor. Thor bad.”

Steve chewed at his lip.  He had no idea how to respond, so he didn’t even try; he just turned his attention back to the road and listened as Peter started mumbling nonsense. 

“Steve…” But Peter didn’t seem to want Steve to be silent, and he leant across the car to tug at Steve’s sleeve.  “Steve, where go? Home?”

“No, Peter.  To the airport, remember?  I’m going to take you to feel better.”

“Hmm…”  Peter frowned and sighed sadly as he wrapped his arms around Steve’s arms.  He shook his head. “Peter no feel better, Steve. No gonna. Never.”

“You will,” Steve soothed.  He didn’t want to think about the possibility that Peter might not even survive the flight.  “You’ll feel better. I promise.”

“Hope gone, Steve.  Hope gone.” A long string of saliva dribbled down Peter’s chin. Steve knew Peter didn’t even realise.  “Sleepy, Steve. Too sleepy.”

Steve sighed.  He hoped the sedatives would work long enough for him to get Peter overseas - if not, he had more in his bag the hospital had given him.

Peter was quick to fall asleep again, though, and even when Steve got him to the airport, Peter was too tired to be much of a bother; he just let himself be carried through the building as he dozed on Steve’s shoulder. 

To Steve’s utmost relief, once they’d boarded the flight and the plane had ascended, Peter wasn’t as badly affected as Steve had thought he would be. 

* * *

 

“Steve…  Where we?” Peter didn’t have the energy to lift his head from Steve’s shoulder, or even to move in his lover’s arms; he just watched helplessly as he was carried through a world he had never really seen before. 

“This is Kamar-Taj,” Steve murmured.  “This is where you’re going to feel better - once I find the right place.”

Peter hummed and closed his eyes again; his head was starting to spin, and he felt like he was going to throw up.  “New place, Steve.”

“Yes.  Maybe when you’re feeling better, we can look around.”

Peter hummed again, but he didn’t respond.  He felt himself dozing off again, and he didn’t wake until he felt a new set of hands pulling him from Steve and laying him in a bed.  He reached for Steve as fright crossed his face. “Steve…!”

“Shh, it’s okay.” Steve took Peter’s hand and squeezed it.  “You’re safe. You’re safe, Peter. I promise.”

Peter whimpered loudly when he felt someone by his side, grabbing his arm and pricking it with a syringe.  “Steve!”

Steve squeezed Peter’s hand again as he watched his lover’s eyes flutter shut.  He turned back to the woman before him, unable to keep the tears from his eyes as he whispered, “You’re sure you can help him…?”

“Yes - but I must warn you there is a very low chance of a complete recovery.”  The woman’s eyes were gentle, as was her voice, soothing, Steve thought. She rubbed her hands together as she thought carefully about her explanation, until finally, she soothed, “The brain scans my pupil has had emailed to me show that the cancer is very advanced and wide-spread - a lot of it in crucial areas of the brain.  While I am confident I can remove them, I cannot promise the surgery will not cause new problems in the cancer’s wake.” 

Steve shook his head sadly.  “Complications? Everyone kept telling me he was going to die soon…  Maybe the complications are better than how he was going to die…”

She put her hand on Steve’s forearm and smiled.  Her bald head glistened beneath the lightbulb above them, and in the back of Steve’s mind, he wondered if she had ever been a cancer patient herself.  “If I were any other doctor, I would have advised for him to be prepared to live out his final days. But I am not just any other doctor, and there is a reason they call me The Ancient One.  I am confident I can help your partner. But for now, he will be taken into a room and cared for before his big day tomorrow. Would you like to stay with him until then?”

Steve shook his head. “I don’t think that I can…  I’m going to have a look around this place; I’ll come back tonight if that’s okay.”

“Of course; that’s not a problem at all.” And with that, she was gone, leaving Steve to wander back outside and try to shake from his mind the stress that Peter might not make it through tomorrow. 

* * *

 

Steve returned that night with a gift for Peter.  Peter was awake, laying on his back and staring up at the roof.  “Peter? Look what I got for you.” 

Peter slowly rolled onto his side so he could look at Steve.  A drowsy smile was on his face, and Steve could tell he was still sedated from how calm he appeared.  He mumbled something, but Steve couldn’t understand what he was trying to say. 

Steve raised a raccoon plushie into the air.  “I saw him and I immediately thought of you. Do you like him?”

Peter’s arms immediately shot out to grab the toy.  He mumbled indistinguishably again as his fingers curled around the tail of the raccoon so he could pull it into his arms.  

Steve clambered onto the bed to lay on his side next to Peter.  He brushed stray strands of brown from his lover’s pale face as he murmured, “You keep him with you tomorrow, okay?  He’ll keep you safe.”

“Bu’ Rocke’ a’ home an’ him jealous.” Peter’s smile was exhausted, but happy nonetheless.  “Bu’ Rocke’ new frien’. Rocke’ mate now.”

Steve couldn’t help but laugh.  He pressed his forehead to Peter’s cheek, the tips of his fingers dancing against Peter’s temple as he smiled.  “No, I don’t think so, Peter. But maybe when you’re feeling better, if you really want for Rocket to have a girlfriend, maybe we can see if we can adopt another raccoon.”

“Hmm…. Yeah, ‘kay.”  Peter snuggled in closer as he hugged the toy tight.  “More… More… More trash panda?”

Steve chuckled.  It was nice to see Peter relaxed for once, even if it was in such terrible conditions.  “Trash panda? You really are tired, aren’t you?”

Peter mumbled nonsense again.  His eyes closed briefly before he opened them and whispered, “Tomorrow scared…”

“I’m sure you would be.” Steve brushed his hand through Peter’s hair comfortingly.  “But it’s going to be okay. You’re going to feel much better tomorrow; I know it.”

“What do tomorrow?  What do to Peter?” There was fear in Peter’s eyes, and Steve felt the protectiveness in his stomach. 

“Hmm?  They’ll take the tumours out of your head and make you feel better.” Steve hoped it was enough to settle Peter; he could only imagine how frightening it would be to be told his head would be cut open so his brain could be operated on.  “You’re going to be just fine, Peter; they’re going to take care of you here.”

“How… take tumour out?” Peter cocked his head to the side.  He didn’t even notice when Steve reached out and wiped saliva from his chin.  

Steve wiped his hand clean on the blanket as he murmured, “Well…  They have to open up your head, and… And I think they cut the tumour out, Peter.”

A flicker of fear flashed in Peter’s eyes.  His body recoiled as he whimpered, “H-hurt…?”

“No, Peter.  It’s not supposed to hurt,” Steve comforted.  “Maybe only a little bit. But you’ll be safe.”

Peter’s eyes filled with tears.  He tugged nervously at his teddy as he murmured, “Lots scared…  No hurt…”

“Shh.  Come here.”  Steve pulled Peter into his arms and rolled them over so his lover was laying on his chest.  “I love you, and if I thought it wouldn’t be any good for you, I wouldn’t let it happen. I thought about this for a long time, Peter.  Trust me, alright? I only want the best for you.”

Peter hummed.  “Steve tell story?”

“What kind of story do you want to hear?” 

“Wanna know… how Steve met Peter.” Peter looked so calm and relaxed now, Steve couldn’t help but feel tense. 

“Peter…” Steve couldn’t bear to tell Peter something so tragic - and to know that Peter has  _ forgotten _ …!  “How about a different story, okay?  That one… might be a bit too sad.”

“Sad…?”  Peter frowned.  “‘Kay… Meet Thor?”

Steve gave a sad smile.  “What if I tell you about how Thor and I met instead?”

Peter was smiling again now, his fingers running through the fake fur of his plushie as he relaxed and prepared himself for the story. 

“When we met, we didn’t really like each other at first.” Steve chuckled, almost fondly, at the memory.  “We met through Tony, not long after I left the army. Thor was loud and arrogant, and I was quiet and reserved, so we kind of butted heads for a while.”

A bright smile appeared on Peter’s face as he lightly head butted their foreheads together.  He giggled, and Steve couldn’t help but chuckle and caress Peter’s cheek affectionately. 

“We hadn’t really known each other for long, but Thor’s girlfriend cheated on him, and he was devastated.  They broke up, and he quietened down in his depression. I liked him a lot better when he wasn’t so loud because he was easier to get along with.  Maybe it’s not the most interesting story, really; we started going out for drinks at night together, and we got to know each other - and the part of me who resented myself for liking other men?  I hadn’t even told Bucky about that, but I confided in Thor, and he promised me it was okay; that he’s been with men before and there’s nothing wrong with it. ...So I asked him out on a date.”

“Love Thor?”

“Yeah, I grew to love him.  I fell head over heels for him, and I…  I was so in love with him, Peter.” Steve frowned now.  He moved his fingers through Peter’s hair again slowly. “He was such an absolute gentleman to me, Peter.  I had never felt so loved and wanted in my life. I was so  _ happy _ , Peter.  ...But I guess… People change.”

Peter cocked his head to the side when Steve’s eyes filled with tears.  He reached up with a shaky hand to wipe the tears away. “No cry, Steve.  No cry.”

Steve reached up to wipe at his eyes.  “Or… I just never really knew him at all.  And I don’t… know which one hurts more.”

Peter wrapped his arms around Steve and nuzzled his cheek against Steve’s. “S’kay.  S’kay. No cry, Steve. No cry. S’kay.”

Steve hugged Peter back tightly.  In the deepest recesses of his mind, the resentment towards Thor was there, because if  _ Peter  _ could show more care and concern and  _ affection  _ in such a state, what was stopping Thor?

“I’m sorry, Peter…” Steve closed his eyes to try and stop the tears.  “I’m sorry for crying.”

“Steve ‘kay.” Peter pressed his chapped lips to Steve’s cheek.  “Steve ‘kay.”

Steve forced a smile onto his face.  “I’m okay, Peter. Try and sleep now.  I’m tired, too.”

“‘Kay.” Peter wiped his hand against Steve’s eyelids once more.  “Peter love Steve.”

“I love you, too, Peter.  I love you, too.” It was true.  And the worst part? Something somewhere had gone terribly wrong if things were ending with Steve loving what had supposed to have been his boyfriend’s boyfriend more than he loved his own boyfriend. 


	12. Chapter 12

 

Peter slept for almost two days after the surgery.  Steve stayed with him, watching him as he would wake briefly for a few moments before falling back asleep.  Once Peter woke properly, Steve couldn’t have been more relieved. He watched carefully as Peter was examined by the nurses and the physiotherapist who came to assess his movements, but he couldn’t relax; not until Peter was sitting up in his bed and picking at a bowl of soup in his hands. 

“How are you feeling?” Steve hoped it wasn’t a stupid question; he could see the exhaustion on Peter’s face from across the room.  

Peter mumbled something and dropped his spoon back into his bowl.  His face was pale, and he hadn’t dared touch the half-sandwich the nurses had tried to get him to eat earlier, so Steve knew he wasn’t feeling well at all.  

Finally, Peter managed to mumble, “Bad…  Sick…” 

“That’s normal,” Steve promised gently.  “You’ll start feeling better soon.” 

Peter groaned softly.  He reached out with shaking hands to put his soup on the cabinet beside him.  “Steve… I’m not hungry.” 

“Try and eat; you need your strength.” Steve moved from the couch beneath the window so he could sit on the edge of Peter’s bed and take the soup.  He raised the spoon and pressed it against Peter’s lips. “Open up.” 

Peter did as he was instructed.  He grimaced when he felt the spoon in his mouth, and though he wanted nothing more than to spit the soup out, he swallowed it, if only for Steve.

Steve handfed Peter a few more spoonfuls before he passed the bowl to Peter and murmured, “Try and eat the rest on your own, okay?” 

Peter gave a reluctant nod.  His hands trembled violently, and it concerned Steve greatly to see him struggling to dip the spoon into the bowl, as if he couldn’t even see where exactly the inside of the bowl was.

Steve leant closer and put his hand on Peter’s.  “Can you see okay, Peter?” 

Peter hesitated to shake his head.  He gave a deep frown before he admitted with shame, “No…  I can’t… really hear, too…” 

Steve closed his eyes in disappointment.  He’d been prepared for it; told that some of the tumours were in such dangerous spots, there was no guarantee they could be removed without damaging his hearing and sight.  They’d kept Peter awake during the surgery to try and minimise the risk, but Steve’s heart broke to realise that even doing that might not have been enough. 

“It’s okay, Peter…” Steve forced a smile on his face, trying to be strong for the both of them.  “At least you’re talking a bit better again.” 

Peter mumbled under his breath, something jumbled and incomprehensible, but Steve didn’t push about it; Peter was surely already stressed as it was.  Instead, Steve pulled his phone from his pocket and opened up his camera. 

Peter looked up from his lap when he heard Steve call his name.  “Was’it…?” 

Steve was genuine now as he grinned. “Smile for me, Peter.” 

Peter did as he was instructed, and once he heard the click of Steve’s phone camera, he cocked his head to the side.  “Steve?” 

Steve turned his phone for Peter to see the screen.  He opened his Facebook and immediately uploaded the photo, with the caption,  _ Look who finally woke up and ate his soup :)  _

Peter reached out and tapped at Steve’s phone.  Tiredly, but with a bright smile nonetheless, he asked, “Rocket…?” 

Steve didn’t hesitate to close his Facebook and open his text messages so he could show Peter the photos Bucky had been sending him since their departure.  He said nothing at the way Peter hugged his plushie tight now; he simply passed his device to his lover to let him scroll through the pictures on his own.

Peter gave a loud laugh at one of the photos.  He showed it to Steve, slurring out excitedly, “Look!  Rocket!” 

Steve gave his own chuckle at the photo in question, amused by the curious raccoon’s predicament that had ended with Bucky having to free the animal from where he’d gotten stuck beneath the couch.  “Maybe you should put him on a diet so he doesn’t get stuck again, Peter.” 

Peter smiled.  He gave Steve’s phone back to its owner and carefully laid himself down.  “Steve… I’m sleepy. Can I… watch Netflix on your phone?” 

Steve nodded.  “Of course you can, Peter.  Try and take a nap; you’ll need your energy for this.” 

“‘Kay…” Peter waited for Steve to settle the phone back in his hold, and once he’d chosen the movie he wanted to watch, he’d barely made it through the opening credits before his eyes shut again and soft snores escaped him.  

Steve smiled fondly.  He leant down to kiss Peter’s temple and ruffle the brown curls as he took his phone back to take another photo of his lover and add it to his Facebook.  He looked at all of the likes, and he read the comments their friends were leaving, glad to see that he wasn’t the only one overjoyed.

But that left the question…  Did Steve let Thor know what had happened?  

Maybe, but Steve remembered all the times Thor had let him down by not telling him something important, and suddenly, Steve didn’t feel so guilty as he pushed the man from his thoughts and instead went back to his text messages to tell Bucky the good news.

* * *

 

“How is he doing?” 

Steve picked at the blankets beneath him as Tony’s voice floated through his phone speakers.  He looked to his side, smiling at the sleeping Peter next to him. He ran his hand through his lover’s hair fondly before he responded.  “Better, Tony. Much better. He’s still exhausted, and he’s been vomiting. But, Tony, I haven’t seen him so lively in so long. He wanted me to take him for a walk earlier, but the physio said he can’t push himself and to build his strength back up.”

“That’s great.” Steve could hear the relief in Tony’s voice.  “When can you bring him home?” 

“In a few weeks.  They want to keep Peter here to make sure he’s going okay, and to finish him up with some chemotherapy to kill the rest of it.  But they think he’s going to be okay, Tony.” 

“That’s great, Rogers.  That’s really, really great.  Tell me when to book you tickets for home.” 

Steve opened his mouth to respond, but he was distracted by Peter stirring.  “Hey, Tony, I’ll call you back later, okay? Peter’s waking up.” 

“Okay.  Night, Rogers.” 

“Goodnight, Tony.” Steve ended the call, and once he had tucked his phone back into his pocket, he reached out to hold Peter’s hand.  He waited until Peter’s eyes had opened and he blinked away the sleepiness before he murmured, “Feeling any better?” 

Peter hummed softly.  He looked into Steve’s face and tried to mumble something, but Steve couldn’t understand it. 

“Hmm?” Steve squeezed Peter’s hand.  “What was that?” 

“Bathroom…”  A soft whimper escaped Peter’s lips.  “G-gotta go…!” 

Steve was just relieved Peter could identify when he needed the bathroom again, so he didn’t mind at all as he helped Peter carefully out of the bed and into the bathroom.  He waited outside the door, letting out a breath once Peter had re-emerged and allowed himself to be taken back to bed. 

Peter didn’t speak for a while after that.  Not until he rolled onto his side and snuggled in close against Steve’s chest so he could murmur, “I couldn’t go bathroom, Steve…” 

Steve stroked Peter’s head, mindful of the staples in it, before he murmured, “I’ll talk to the nurses when they come back and check on you, okay?” 

Peter nodded.  He reached out to take Steve’s hand and tangle their fingers together so they could hold hands.  He fell silent for a while again until he mumbled, “I miss Rocket…”

“I know, Peter.  We’ll go home when you’re feeling up to it.” 

Peter hummed sadly.  He stared out of the window for a while before he turned his head to the side to press his lips to Steve’s.  Their kiss was soft, gentle, and the way their tongues danced together calmly was different to what they both were used to with Thor. 

They broke apart, and Peter mumbled sadly, “I don’t think I can get hard anymore, Steve.” 

Steve frowned.  He reached out and caressed Peter’s cheek tenderly.  “Hmm? What makes you say that, Peter?” 

Peter closed his eyes so he didn’t have to see the inevitable disgust on his lover’s face.  “Hela… When I was kissin’ you… I remembered what she did.” 

“Peter, what she did, she…” The words died off on the end of Steve’s tongue as he tried to work out how to continue his sentence.  Finally, he sighed. “Peter, sex isn’t everything. I know it feels good… And I know how much you like it… But sex… isn’t a key to happiness.”

“But you’ll want sex from me ‘cause you love sex…” 

“Sex isn’t love, Peter.” Steve offered a gentle smile now that Peter had opened his eyes to look at him again.  “Sex just feels good. I love  _ you _ , Peter.  Not the way your body makes me feel good.  If I really wanted to get off, I have a hand.  You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, Peter.” 

“But Thor…!” Peter chewed at the inside of his cheek as his eyes darted side-to-side in contemplation.  He tried to speak the rest of his thoughts, but it was too slurred for Steve to understand. Upon request, he repeated himself, slower and more carefully now.  “Thor never liked it if I didn’t wanna have sex… Make me feel bad, Steve. Always sex.” 

“No, Peter, it’s not supposed to be that way, and now I want to smack Thor for making you feel like you don’t have a choice.” Steve sighed.  He tried a different angle now. “Peter… I  _ love  _ you.  Yes, I want sex with you, Peter, but not at the expense of your happiness.  If you don’t want sex, there will be no sex. Okay? If I am really that desperate, I can do it myself.” 

“Steve never masturbate.” Peter frowned.  

“I do.  Just not much.” Steve couldn’t help but chuckle.  “I never really get much time  _ to  _ masturbate when I have you and Thor always needing me, right?” 

Peter laughed softly.  He snuggled in closer for his lover’s warmth.  “Steve…? Tell you secret…?”

“Of course you can, Peter.”  

Peter’s cheeks reddened shyly.  He whimpered and looked away before he mumbled, “...Steve make Peter masturbate…” 

Steve chuckled.  “What?” 

Peter’s face reddened even more.  He hid against Steve’s chest so Steve couldn’t see, and he took his time to get the words out properly.  “Peter… never masturbated before Steve… I start for Steve…” 

“Not even for Thor?” Steve brushed stray curls of brown out of Peter’s eyes.

“No.  Thor… made it hard to be hard.” Peter sighed.  “Thor… was scary, Steve. Sex was scary, but Thor wanted it…  So Peter let him have it - ‘cause I… I loved him and didn’t want him to hate me.  I… not really enjoyed it, Steve.” 

Steve frowned.  “Why didn’t you tell me, Peter?  I wouldn’t have let Thor have sex with you if you weren’t comfortable with it.” 

Peter shook his head.  “No… Umm… When I got to your house, I…  I didn’t like sex. But I gave to Thor, anyway.  But when… When I saw you having sex with Thor, I…  It was the first time I got hard properly - without Thor touchin’ me to make me hard.  I started masturbate after that; thinkin’ ‘bout it kept gettin’ me hard, and I… I…” 

“Are you trying to tell me you were only ever comfortable sleeping with  _ me _ , Peter?” Steve gave a deep frown when Peter nodded.  “So why didn’t you say anything? We thought you liked sleeping with Thor - we couldn’t have known any differently, Peter.” 

Peter frowned again.  “Steve… Not explain well, Steve.  But Thor… Peter like… But Steve more.  Steve… Steve… Steve  _ safe _ .”

Steve wrapped his arms tight around Peter and held on tight.  “Oh, Peter… I wish I had known, Peter… I really do.”

“I think it depression with Thor.” Peter gave a wistful sigh.  “But not depression with Steve. But Peter… not realise.” 

“Thor was like an addiction to you, wasn’t he?” Steve sighed deeply.  “Things have been so messed up for you, you became addicted to the attention Thor would give you just because you never had attention before him.  Being away from him has probably been doing you good…”

Peter gave a soft whine as he snuggled closer.  “But I love Thor. ...But… Hmm, scared, too.”

When Steve felt the way Peter tensed in his arms, he felt like crying.  “...”

“Sometimes… Peter  _ very  _ scared of Thor…  But never really scared of Steve.  Steve gentle, Steve. Steve gentle to Peter.” 

Steve fought back the tears as he turned Peter’s head to the side so he could kiss his lover breathless and give him all the love - all the  _ pure, genuine love  _ \- that he had never been given before.  

In Steve’s heart, he swore he would never let Peter hurt again - and even if it killed him, Thor wasn’t going to get his hands on Peter to taint him again.  

But even in saying that…  Steve felt sick as he pondered just how much it must hurt to know that  _ both  _ of Thor’s lovers had abandoned him and ran off together, just like Thor had always worried about...


	13. Chapter 13

The first thing Peter did upon arriving back to Bucky’s home was stumble through the house in search of Rocket.  Bucky watched him find the raccoon in his bedroom and carry him out to lay down on the couch with Rocket to hug him tight.  Bucky smiled at the sight, unable to deny how cute the scene was to witness. Still, he didn’t hesitate to join Steve outside on the front porch, where they sat in comfortable silence on the outdoor chairs and watched the rain fall.  

Bucky was the first to break the silence.  “I bet you’re glad to be back, Steve.” 

“Definitely.  I don’t think I ever want to watch or even hear about Footloose for the rest of my life.” Steve gave a fond chuckle.  “I think I just watched it enough times on my phone with Peter in the last four weeks to last me an eternity.” 

Bucky laughed.  “He likes it that much?” 

“You have no idea, Buck; he wanted to watch it on the flight home, too.  I had to tell him I ran out of internet data or I was going to go crazy.”

“You would have broken his heart by the sounds of it,” Bucky teased.

“I think I did; he pouted at me for a while and then went to sleep.” Steve’s eyes sparkled with affection at the memory.  “Don’t be surprised if he asks you to put it on for him; I’m sure he’d happily watch it for the rest of his life if he could.” 

Bucky snorted.  “I’ve never seen it.” 

“It’s not that good; don’t be fooled by what Peter tells you.  He fooled me, too.” Steve let out a yawn before he relaxed into his chair.  He wiped the sleep from his eyes, denying that he needed a rest, and instead murmured, “I should go and see Thor…” 

“Why?” Bucky was frowning now, and the subtle twitch of his fingers showed just how much he disliked those words.  “Don’t tell me you want to go back to him after everything he’s done, Stevie. You deserve so much better than him.” 

“I know…  But I feel so guilty.  I feel like I at least owe it to him to tell him how Peter is doing.” 

“Steve, you don’t owe him  _ anything _ .  If you really think he should know, send him a text.  Don’t put yourself back into a position where he’s going to hurt you.  I don’t want to see you hurt.” 

“He won’t hit me, Bucky,” Steve defended, without really even knowing  _ why _ .  

“He  _ has  _ hit you before, Steve, and I’m not going to let him do it again because he’s a baby who can’t control his emotions.” Steve folded his arms against his chest and gave a firm glare.  “I didn’t raise you for someone to smack around once you left my wing.” 

Steve snorted.  “Alright, dad. Sorry; I’m going through a rebellious stage, I guess.” 

Bucky smiled and leant to the side so he could wrap his arm around Steve and hold him close.  “Where would you be without me, huh?” 

“Probably inside watching Footloose for the millionth time.” Steve stopped his head to rest against Bucky’s shoulder.  He gave a yawn and let his eyes slip closed before he finally admitted defeat. “Maybe I should take a nap…”

Bucky smiled.  “You should. You must be exhausted.  Go have a sleep; I’ll have lunch ready for when you wake up.  Is Peter eating again?”

A tired smile crossed Steve’s face as he relaxed.  “He hasn’t  _ stopped  _ eating.  His appetite came back with a vengeance, Bucky.  I mean a  _ vengeance _ .  The nurses said the steroids can cause over-eating but this is unbelievable.”

“I’d better make him a big lunch then.” Bucky grinned as he ruffled Steve’s hair.  “What are the steroids for?”

“To keep his brain swelling down.  He’s been doing so much better though, Bucky.  I’m just so glad about that.”

“Of course you are; that must have been so horrible for you, Stevie.  Dealing with that on your own…”

Steve hummed.  He changed the subject, not wanting to linger on it much longer.  “Well, he’s recovering, and that’s the important thing. I’m going to sleep for a while, Buck.  Can you look after Peter for me, please?”

“You know I will, Steve.”  Bucky kissed the top of Steve’s head affectionately.  “You know I will.”

“You’re the best.  Really, I mean it.” Steve stood up and stretched.  “Talk to you soon, Buck.”

“Nighty-night, Stevie.”

Bucky stayed out on the porch for a while longer, listening to the storm raging around him.  He was in deep thought, but once he heard the front door open, he turned to see who was approaching him. 

“Hey, Petey.” Bucky smiled as Peter stumbled to his side, with a mug in his hands. “What have you got?”

“I made coffee for Bucky.” There was a huge, happy grin on Peter’s face as he passed the mug out to Bucky in an almost prideful manner.  He bounced on the heels of his feet for a few moments once the mug had left his hands, and after Bucky had taken a sip, he lunged forward and wrapped his arms around his friend in an embrace so tight, Bucky was startled.  

“Peter…” Bucky tried to pull out of Peter’s grip.  His voice was thick with warning, and he could only hope that Peter was sound enough of mind to understand.  “Please let go of me.” 

Peter did as he was requested.  To Bucky’s relief, Peter didn’t look upset.  Instead, he murmured, “Do you not like people touching you?”

“I don’t mind, Peter - I just…  Don’t move so suddenly at me, okay?  And don’t hold me so tightly, please.” Bucky put his head on top of Peter’s head and ruffled his hair.  “But you can touch me if you want to. It’s okay.” 

At the reassurance, Peter smiled brightly once more and leant in again to hug Bucky.  He was much gentler this time, to Bucky’s relief, and when he felt Bucky’s own arms around him, he gave a contented sigh.  

Peter looked up to give Bucky a lazy smile.  “Peter doesn’t really like people touchin’ him, too.  Just Steve. Only people Peter trusts. But not many. Only a few.  Peter trusts Bucky, though. You are nice to me.” 

Bucky chuckled.  “Of course I’m nice to you, Petey; you’re my best friend’s husband.  Why  _ wouldn’t  _ I like you?” 

Peter frowned now, and he pulled away to slouch uncomfortably in the chair Steve had occupied earlier.  “...Not many people like Peter… Dunno why, Bucky… But… They don’t. Makes me sad sometimes. When Steve’s friends come over and see Peter, they - I dunno.  But Steve’s friends don’t really like me much…” 

“Yes, they do,” Bucky promised.  “Steve told me so. They all like you a lot, Peter.  Who do you think doesn’t like you?” 

Peter’s frown deepened.  He grabbed at his knees and squeezed his jeans tightly as he mumbled, “Everyone…  Barton… Stark… Everyone…” 

“They like you,” Bucky promised.  “I swear it. Stark gave you a job, remember?  He likes you plenty, Peter.” 

Peter looked up at Bucky with a confused expression for a few moments before he lowered his eyes and looked back to his knees.  “He did…?” 

“Yes, and you loved working for him.  He likes you, and you like him.” 

Peter lifted his hand to wipe at his eyes.  “...Oh…” 

Bucky wore his own frown as he reached out to pull Peter back into his arms.  He shook his head and brushed soft curls from Peter’s eyes. “It’s okay if you can’t remember just yet.  Everything will come back to you in time.” 

Peter gave a deep sigh.  “I’m gonna… go sleep with Steve…” 

“Don’t wake him, okay?  He’s very tired.” 

Peter gave a stiff nod as he stood.  “‘Kay…” 

Bucky watched as Peter went back inside.  Now that he was alone again, he stood and walked to the side of the porch so he could empty the ‘coffee’ over the side and into the bushes.  He grimaced at the memory of the taste, certain that Peter truly had no idea all he had done was mix milk and cold water together. He’d have to remember to tell Steve about it later, but for now, he stretched and went inside as well so he could shower and relax for the rest of the day. 

* * *

 

The first night back was challenging, as Steve had expected it to be.  As tired as Peter was, the steroids made it difficult for him to sleep, and no matter how late it seemed to get, he couldn’t settle enough for his body to allow him to drift off into rest.

“Steve…” Peter tossed and turned once more as tears of frustration welled up in his eyes.  “Steve, I wanna sleep…!” 

Steve sighed.  He tightened his arms around his lover.  “I know, Peter… So do I.” 

“I’m sorry…!” Peter sniffed back tears now.  “I don’t mean to keep Steve awake, too! I sorry!” 

“Shh.  Don’t be sorry; just try and relax.  You’ll just make it harder for yourself stressing,” Steve assured.  

Peter covered his eyes with his arm and snivelled.  “I want my Walkman…” 

Steve’s eyes opened again as empathy filled his heart.  He’d never gone back to Thor’s to get Peter’s Walkman for him, not wanting to ever have to go back and face him - but at the expense of Peter’s happiness?  He felt like such an asshole… “Do you want me to play you some music off my phone, Peter?” 

Peter nodded.  “Yes, please…” 

Steve wiped the exhaustion from his eyes as he sat up to get his phone from the bedside drawers.  He unlocked it and loaded the YouTube app, setting up a playlist for Peter before he got out of bed.  “Stay here a minute. I’ll get some earphones from Buck.” 

Peter was quiet when Steve returned.  He didn’t say anything as he took Steve’s phone and plugged earphones into the bottom of it, but once he’d put them into his ears and hit play, he howled in pain and ripped the earphones free.

“Peter?” Steve put his hand on Peter’s shoulder to comfort him.  “What happened?” 

The tears finally flowed down Peter’s cheeks now as he slapped his hands over his ears and whimpered, “H-hurts…  No, don’t like…” 

Steve realised now.  “Sound imbalance…” 

Peter cried tears of shame and frustration as he watched Steve unplug the earphones.  He sniffed when Steve gave him the phone back. “...” 

“You can listen without earphones, but try not to play it too loudly in case you wake Bucky up.” Steve laid back down in bed and pulled the blankets over himself.  “Okay? Lay back down.” 

Peter continued sniveling to himself, but he did as he was instructed.  He pressed play on the playlist and rolled onto his side so his back was against Steve’s front, just as he liked, but it only upset him further to realise that in doing so, he couldn’t hear the music with his good ear against the pillow. 

“Steve?” Peter sat up again.  He wiped at his eyes and murmured, “Can we swap spots…?  I can’t hear good…” 

Steve didn’t hesitate to roll them both over so Peter could keep his back against Steve’s chest.  He played with Peter’s hair for what felt like an eternity until he heard Peter’s breaths even out and tiny snores escape him.  Steve gave a relaxed sigh and snuggled in closer now, pressing his face against the back of Peter’s head as gently as he could so as to not disturb anything still healing there. 

But Steve couldn’t go back to sleep now; not when things were finally peaceful and it became apparent just how much his body had missed this kind of intimacy. 

Steve moved his hand to his crotch to press against his growing arousal as he tried to will it away.  Peter was finally asleep, and he didn’t need to be woken up again for such matters. 

But Steve’s arousal was persistent, and with a defeated sigh, he got out of bed and traversed to the bathroom so he could take care of himself.  

He felt so guilty, though.  Guilty that he was doing this  _ away  _ from Peter when Peter had never been one shy about his masturbation, regardless of where they were and who they were with.  Peter had the right to ask to join if he wanted to. And regarding  _ Thor…!   _

Steve felt sick at the thought of Thor.  Ejaculation suddenly felt like years away, and the hardness that had felt so good at the thought of Peter was quickly turning limp.  

Steve sighed and closed his eyes.  He got up from the toilet seat and tucked himself back into his pants.  Steve was going to have to face things with Thor. Tomorrow, if he could.  Because with everything that had happened, Steve wasn’t sure he could keep running. 

The only only problem was, Steve didn’t  _ want  _ anything to do with Thor, and just the thought of it was enough for him to collapse to his knees and cry his heart out on the bathroom floor.  

 


	14. Chapter 14

“Are you sure you want to come?” Steve fiddled with the buttons on the dress jacket he had borrowed from Bucky to dress Peter in.  “I thought you didn’t like church.”

“I wanna come,” Peter murmured softly.  In the crook of his arm was his raccoon plushie, and he couldn’t help but tug at the sleeves of the dress shirt in annoyance, hating how the material felt against his flesh.  “Do I gotta dress up, though?”

Steve nodded.  “It’s a special place; looking nice is always good for church.  I think you would get bored, though, Peter.” 

Peter shook his head.  He didn’t directly answer the question; instead, he mumbled, “Steve hasn’t been to church for long time.” 

“Yeah…  It was something Buck and I never really committed to, but I guess I just…  Need to pray for a while.” 

Peter hummed.  He’d never really understood religion, or how Steve’s own faith worked.  He’d never really tried to understand it, though; it had never been something that interested him, and he’d always just accepted that Steve believed in things he didn’t - after all, Peter was fascinated by the idea of aliens and wanted to meet one one day, so Steve could have his own beliefs, too. 

“Steve, I wanna go shoppin’ after.”  Peter sat still, contented, as Steve ran a comb carefully through what was left of his hair.  He was careful to avoid looking into the mirror across from them, not wanting to see the bald patches on his head from the surgery and chemotherapy that still had yet to grow back.  “I wanna go to the flower shop.” 

Steve cocked his head slightly.  “The flower shop?”

“Yeah.  Please?” 

It was a weird request, and Steve truly didn’t know what to think.  But regardless, he nodded and said okay. “We’ll get lunch after, okay?  Where do you want to eat?”

“Dunno.  Not hungry, Steve.”

Steve cupped Peter’s cheek and turned his head to the side so they could kiss.  “It’s fine. We’ll see how you’re feeling later.”

Peter was quiet for a few moments more as he watched Steve dress into his work suit, but eventually, he asked, “Steve still see Thor today…?”

“Yes, I think so.” Steve  _ hated  _ to ask it, but it would be cruel of him not to.  “Do you want to come and see him, too?”

“No.” Peter didn’t even hesitate to answer.  He laid down on the bed and pulled the pillow next to him into his arms.  “Peter stay here with Bucky. Thor not call Steve to ask about Peter. I feel sad.” 

“Sad?”

Peter nodded.  “Thor doesn’t care about Peter being sick.  He never calls.”

“I know he hasn’t, Peter…  I know he hasn’t.” Admitting this was one of the most painful things Steve had ever done - but at the end of the day, Peter could have died weeks ago and Thor wouldn’t have any clue.  “Don’t think about him; don’t get yourself upset about it.”

“‘Kay…” Peter’s frown quickly changed to a smile as he turned his attention back to Steve properly now.  “Steve looks very nice.” 

“Thank you, Peter.” Steve smiled back.  He couldn’t convey just how happy those words made him; when had been the last time  _ Thor  _ had complimented him like that?  “You’ve been so sweet lately.”

Peter’s eyes crinkled as he beamed and bounced a little in excitement.  “Love Steve.”

“I love you, too, Peter.  Are you ready to go?” 

Peter nodded.  He rolled over to find his boots on the floor beside the bed.  “Almost.” 

Steve didn’t mind getting Peter’s boots for him and helping him put them on; he was just glad that Peter wanted to spend time with him.

And of course, when Peter’s hand slipped warmly into his grip, Steve felt like crying.  Peter hadn’t been able to be so affectionate for so long, and Steve had almost forgotten just how much he loved Peter for his loving nature. 

* * *

 

Steve side-eyed the two single flowers in Peter’s grip with curiosity as he drove them back to Bucky’s.  He wanted to ask who the flowers were for, but he had his suspicions; Peter had done things like this before where he had picked two flowers, one for Steve and the other for Thor.  Peter probably wanted Steve to take one of them to Thor for him, so Steve didn’t ask; he just accepted it as it was. 

When they got back to Bucky’s, Steve was incredibly uncomfortable to see just how wrong he had been. 

“Flower for Steve~” Peter beamed as he gave one rose to Steve before he sauntered to Bucky, who was sitting on the couch with visible tension in his body at Peter’s approach. “Flower for Bucky~”

Bucky accepted the flower hesitantly as he gave an uncertain look to Steve.  He frowned when Steve shrugged at him, but quickly, he forced a smile onto his face for Peter.  “Thank you, Peter…”

Peter grinned.  His eyes glinted with joy, and neither Bucky nor Steve had the heart to take his happiness from him. 

They didn’t have a chance to do so, anyway, because their attention was grabbed by Tony’s Audi parking next to Steve’s Lexus in the driveway. 

“Why’s he here?” Bucky looked uncomfortable again, and Steve could understand it; Bucky’s flighty nature brought on by his time in the army exacerbated around certain people - personalities, really - and Tony was one of the worst for making him nervous. 

“I don’t know.  Do you want me to keep him outside?” Steve offered. 

Bucky shook his head.  “It’s okay… I’ll be okay, Steve - just…  Don’t let him get so loud…”

Steve nodded.  He went outside to meet his friend, and with a careful murmur for Tony to try and be quiet, he let their guests inside.

Peter perked up the instant he saw Bruce.  He stumbled from the couch so he could instead wrap his arms around Bruce and give a bright smile.  He whined softly when Steve pulled him away, oblivious to the jealousy in Tony’s expression. “Steve, Peter just say hello!” 

Bruce shifted uncomfortably, and the smile he gave was even more uneasy.  He looked nervously between Steve and Tony before he stepped back to let them deal with the situation.  Tony said nothing about it, but the gruffness in his tone showed how unhappy he was at the interaction. 

“I got shit for you to sign,” Tony growled as he removed a manilla folder from beneath his arm.  “Get your ass to work.” 

“What stuff?” Steve reached out tentatively to accept the folder.  Before he could open it, Tony replied.

“Redundancy package.  I’m firing your ass.” At the way Steve’s breath audibly hitched, and panic crossed his face, Tony rolled his eyes.  “Wow, you believed that? When did you get so gullible? It’s the deed to your house, dumbass. Sign it.” 

Steve’s frown grew more.  “What are you talking about?  I don’t have a house anymore.” 

“You will in a second if you’d hurry up and sign for it.  Jesus, it’s like dealing with a little child.” 

Steve opened the folder and looked at all the documents inside.  He truly had no idea what to say. “Why have you got all this…? My property…  Thor’s company… Why?” 

“Because I bought them off Strange.”

“Tony, you didn’t have -”

“I didn’t, but I did.  Strange needed the money so I made an offer to him and he accepted.  It’s done, so no argue; only sign.” Tony forced Steve’s fingers around a pen, leaving no room for argument.  

Steve’s stomach churned as he put his signature on the title of the house.  It didn’t feel right to him; he’d bought that house with Thor fifteen years ago and both their names had been on the title - he felt like a thief, or a leech that had no place in this world.  

When Steve came across the deed to Thor’s company, he shook his head and gave a firm, “I’m not signing that.” 

“I’m not asking you to; can you get him to sign it when you see him next?” Tony didn’t wait a response; he shoved the documents into Steve’s hold and backed off.

“Why can’t you take it to him?” Steve couldn’t help but grumble.  

Bruce nibbled at his lip before he murmured, “No one… knows where Thor is, Steve.  We’ve  _ tried _ to get into contact with him, but…  We can’t.” 

Steve battled against the bile climbing his throat.  He wasn’t sure he’d ever felt so sick in his life before.  “...What makes you think that I can find him? I walked out on him.” 

“Because you know him better than any of us, and if anyone can find him, it’s you,” Tony pointed out.  He looked to the side when he felt someone tug at his sleeve, and though he’d expected for Bruce to have been wanting his attention, instead he was greeted by a smiling Peter who didn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around him.  Tony tensed, and carefully he eased himself from Peter’s grip. “Hey, hey, we aren’t there, yet, Quill.” 

Bruce cocked his eyebrow as he watched Steve untangle Peter from Tony.  “Since when has he been so cuddly, Steve?” 

“I don’t know what’s going on with him; he’s been super loving lately.” Steve couldn’t help but frown.  “He hasn’t really been himself since the surgery.” 

Bruce smiled.  He reached out and put his hand on top of Peter’s head.  “It’s probably not a terrible thing, Steve. He couldn’t stand people near him before.  He’d get grumpy at me if I was too near to him for too long before.” 

Steve chuckled.  He wrapped his arm around Peter and held him close as he smiled and said, “Peter has just wanted to be near everyone lately.  He’s been very sweet.”

Bruce smiled in return.  He looked at the papers in Steve’s grasp before he offered, “If we look after Peter, will you go and work out what’s going on with Thor?  We’ve been so worried, Steve…” 

Steve closed his eyes and gave a nod.  Truth be told, he was scared, too, and the thought that something terrible had happened to Thor…  

“Peter needs his medication in an hour’s time.  Make sure he takes it with milk or he’ll get an upset tummy.” Steve hadn’t realised until now just how difficult it was for him to pass Peter off on someone else when he was still so frail and in need of help.  “He likes to take a nap in the afternoon, and he -”

“- Jesus Christ, Rogers, you’re just going out for a few hours; not overseas to fight a fucking war.” Tony shook his head, but his tone softened now at the concern on his friend’s face.  “He’ll be  _ fine _ .  You  _ know  _ he will be.  We’ll take care of him.” 

Steve let out a heavy breath.  His nod was stiff. “Right… Sorry.  Peter’s medicine bag is in Bucky’s room.  Peter knows when he has to take them, so he’ll tell you.” 

“Steve, don’t worry so much,” Bruce comforted.  “We’ve got him.” 

Steve allowed himself to take a relaxing breath.  He reached out for Peter’s chin, tilting his head up slightly so he could draw his lover in for a deep kiss.  Their noses nudged against each other, and their tongues danced smoothly as Steve wrapped his arms around Peter’s torso and held their bodies together.  

It was Tony clearing his throat that had Steve finally pulling away.  Sardonically, Tony muttered, “You gonna go find Point Break, or would you rather eat Quill’s face before you leave?” 

Steve made an uncomfortable sound in the back of his throat before he lightly touched Peter’s hip and murmured, “I love you, okay?” 

“Love Steve,” Peter murmured back.  

Steve smiled.  He touched Peter’s cheek affectionately before he turned to Bucky, and without having to even ask his friend what Bucky had planned on doing, he asked, “Are you ready, Buck?” 

Bucky nodded.  He got up from the couch, and without another word, he went outside to wait by the Lexus.  

Steve felt like he was going to throw up as he went outside to meet Bucky.  He couldn’t stop thinking about what might have happened to Thor, and the worst part of it all?

Steve knew that if anything bad had happened to Thor, it was all  _ his  _ fault for pushing him to that point.

* * *

 

The sight of Thor’s Mercedes parked outside the mansion should have been a comforting sign, but knowing the circumstances, Steve found it almost haunting to know that if he were to look close enough, he would probably find the tell-tale signs of abandonment.  

Steve swallowed thickly as he parked next to Peter’s own car they had left behind for the time being.  He turned to Bucky. “I still have my key for the front door. He really shouldn’t have gone deep, Buck; most of that house is too unstable to walk through.  Just… try and check all the safe areas.” 

Bucky nodded.  He patted his thigh to make sure his gun was with him before he got out of the car and followed Steve to the front door.  

The search of the mansion yielded no answers, not even any hints of Thor’s whereabouts.  It was as if Thor had just fallen off the face of the earth, and searching the forest behind the mansion hadn’t turned anything up, either.

Steve felt like he could cry.  Something was  _ so  _ wrong here, and he had no idea what to expect.  Had he been too harsh on Thor that night? 

No.  Surely Steve wasn’t at fault here because apparently Thor had still been alive long enough to have reported Hela to the police… 

Steve wasn’t finding any comfort in that knowledge, though; Thor was so volatile, he could have done anything to himself after any amount of time. 

“He’s not here, Steve.” Bucky put the pistol back into its holster now that he was certain there were no nasty surprises waiting for them.  

“Help me check the lake by the front of the house.” Steve almost couldn’t croak those words out, but he managed somehow.  

Bucky helped, but yet again, they found nothing.  Steve hoped it was just some nasty nightmare he was going to wake up from soon.  

They left the mansion eventually, stopping by Loki’s house so Steve could see if perhaps Thor was just taking some time out with his brother.  

“Loki, have you heard from Thor recently?” Steve couldn’t stand the tremble in his voice as he waited for Loki to respond.

“No, I haven’t.” When Loki leant against the doorframe of the entrance and spoke so coldly, Steve felt as if there was no hope; Loki was the only person in the whole world who Thor would never cut contact with, and if Loki didn’t know anything, then nobody did.  “Why do you ask?” 

“My friend told me today that nobody knows where Thor is, and everyone is really worried…” Steve rubbed the back of his head in uncertainty.  “I was hoping you would know…”

“Oh, I know where he is,” Loki assured.  “But I’m not sure  _ you  _ would want to know.” 

Steve wiped the stray tear from his eye.  “Loki… Please. No games. Where is he?” 

Loki looked almost bored as he pulled his phone from his pocket and unlocked it so he could message an address through to Steve.  “There. You will find him there. You are probably better off not looking, though. I’m not sure you’ll like what you find.” 

“Oh, goodness, it’s not a morgue, is it…?”

Loki shrugged.  “Perhaps. You’ll just have to find out for yourself, now, won’t you?” 

Loki shut the front door without another word.  Steve turned to Bucky and showed him the text message.  “Please tell me that isn’t a morgue, Buck…” 

“I don’t know, Stevie,” Bucky murmured.  “I’m sorry. Let’s go check it out.” 

Steve nodded.  He didn’t say another word as they walked back to the car; they were each lost in their thoughts, neither having any idea what to expect.  

* * *

 

“Well…” Bucky had never been as lost for words as he was right now.  “...At least it’s not a morgue?” 

“How is this better?” Steve couldn’t help but let out a sob.  “Oh, god, he did something stupid to himself to end up here, Bucky…”

Steve had expected many things, but to have stopped his car outside a psychiatric hospital was not one of them.  He wiped away tears, unable to find the strength to turn his car off and make his way inside. 

Bucky didn’t know what to do.  Part of him wanted to go in there and find Thor and tear him a new one for all the stress he’d put Steve through - but if Thor was in a bad enough way to have ended up here, well…

Bucky could relate, as much as he hated thinking about his own psychiatric ward visits.  

“Stevie…?” Bucky reached out to take Steve’s hand and squeeze it.  “I’m gonna go see him, okay? You come in whenever you’re ready. Text me if you need to leave, okay?” 

Steve shook his head.  “No, it’s fine, Buck; I-I…  I can do it…”

Bucky wished there was more that he could do, but really, he couldn’t do anything more than get out of the car and venture to the front doors.  He was glad that Steve was sticking close to him; he was sure they both needed as much comfort as they could get in this moment. 

Bucky was the one to organise a meeting with Thor, and after being led to one of the halls, they sat at a table and waited for Thor to arrive.  When he did, Bucky was horrified at the sight.

“How long has it been since you’ve slept?” Bucky couldn’t help but ask.  

Thor hummed softly.  He rubbed at his pale face, his world spinning slightly at the effort it was taking for him to see straight.  “I am not sure… All the days and nights seem to blend together now…” 

Steve reached out for Thor’s hand.  “Thor… You are still wearing your ring?” 

“Of course I am; I  _ love  _ you and Peter!” Thor whimpered.  It startled Bucky to see just how easily Thor had started to cry at the observation.  “I have not been divorced, and I will consider you both as my husbands until the day I die, Steven!  No matter what!” 

Bucky took Steve’s hand when he heard his friend crying again.  He changed the subject, knowing Steve couldn’t cope with this right now.  “How long have you been here? Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

“I have been here since a few days after Hela… assaulted Peter.” Thor sniffed back his own tears.  “I confided in Loki, and as I was doing so, I decided that this was best.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I wanted to kill myself.  ...But worst of all, I… I wanted to kill Hela, too…” Thor wiped at his eyes.  “I asked Loki to bring me here and get me admitted, and I… think it was the best thing for me.  The nurses have been helping me. They talk to me, and they listen to what I tell them. ...They tell me I have a disorder…” 

“A disorder?” Steve whispered.

Thor nodded.  “They said I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and it is why… I struggle so much.”

“It’s no excuse, Thor,” Bucky argued.  “ _ I  _ have mental problems, and I’ve  _ never  _ acted the way  _ you  _ do to other people.  Especially to people you claim you love so much!  Don’t go acting like an illness is an excuse to be a hurtful asshole!” 

Thor bowed his head.  He wiped at his eyes again as he whispered, “I-I know…  I understand… I just… It is Hela’s fault I am like this.” 

“Stop blaming everyone else and take responsibility for your own actions!” Bucky exclaimed.  “ _ No one  _ makes you act the way you do except for  _ you _ !  You had every opportunity not to be a dick and you always were!” 

“Bucky, it’s okay,” Steve murmured.  “Let him speak.” 

“You’re too soft, Stevie,” Bucky grumbled, but he didn’t argue, either. 

“Thank you, Steven.” Thor let out a shaky breath.  “Hela… wanted for me to strangle Peter to death.” 

Steve jumped so high in his seat, Bucky instinctively reached out to grab him.  “That  _ bitch _ !” 

Thor nodded.  “After I confronted her for assaulting Peter.  She kept telling me that Peter was tainted, that his mind was broken and because he was going to die anyway, it would be mercy if I were to choke him…  I told her I would never do that to Peter. I  _ told  _ her.  But she would not stop.  Steven, she would  _ not _ !   She wanted me… to  _ kill our husband! _ ” 

Bucky recognised the empathy in Steve’s expression, so before Steve could offer any forgiveness and sympathies, he pointed out, “That has nothing to do with anything you’ve done to them  _ prior  _ to that night, Thor.  I’m sorry your sister did that to you, but that doesn’t explain anything you’ve done beforehand.” 

“It does, though!” Thor pleaded.  “Please, believe me!” 

“You’re trying to shift the blame onto someone else,” Bucky argued.  “You’ve always done that, too - could never take responsibility.” 

“I am  _ not  _ shifting the blame; I am  _ explaining _ !” Thor shot back. 

“Stop, stop.” Steve put his hands out in front of him, almost  _ begging  _ for the conflict to end.  “Both of you,  _ stop _ .  I can’t…  I  _ can’t _ .  Thor,  _ please  _ stop playing with my heart!  You haven’t even asked about Peter!  It’s all been about  _ you _ !  Just like it always is!  Everything is always about  _ you _ !  Do you even want to  _ know  _ how Peter is?!”

The tears flowed freely down Thor’s cheeks now.  He sniffed back tears. “Of  _ course  _ I do, Steven…  I  _ love  _ him…” 

“Peter’s  _ alive,  _ Thor.  He’s  _ alive  _ because  _ I  _ got him help!  He’s doing better!  He’s recovering! Not because of  _ anything  _ you did for him!” 

“Steven…” Thor looked so defeated now, Steve felt bad for how he had just acted.  “...Steven, has Peter asked about me…?” 

“No.  He hasn’t.  Have you bothered calling us?” 

“...No…  But, Steven, we are not allowed phones in care…” 

Steve sniffed back his own tears.  “Tell that to Peter. He’s been hurting over it, Thor.  He thinks you don’t care that he’s sick.” 

“Of course I care that Peter is ill, Steven!  I did everything I could to help -”

“ - To fuck him over even more.” Steve stood up so abruptly, Bucky’s hand instinctively shot down to his thigh in fright, but his weapons were in the car.  “Bucky, come on. I want to go home.” 

“Steven, wait.” Thor’s breathing picked up until he was almost hyperventilating as he watched Bucky and Steve disappear through the door.  “Steven! Hela is pregnant!  _ Steven _ !” 

But Steve was gone, and Thor couldn’t stop crying.

* * *

 

Steve had expected to return to Bucky’s in a better mood, and that may have been true - until he walked through the door and felt his nostrils assaulted by a smell he hadn’t been around for years now.  

“Peter?” Steve hurried into the living room while Bucky stayed by the front door, gagging.  When he found Peter on the living room couch, with Tony and Bruce next to him, he couldn’t help but narrow his eyes and growl at his friends.  “Why did you give that to him?” 

“Calm down, Rogers, it’s just a bit of weed - not gonna hurt him,” Tony argued.  

“He’s not having it,” Steve snarled.  “He has enough problems in his life without adding  _ that  _ the mix.  And he’s on  _ medication _ !  What if it mixes badly?!  Don’t you  _ ever  _ give  _ my  _ husband marijuana again!” 

“Steve…” From where Peter was slumped against Bruce’s side, he groaned needily.  “Steve…” 

Steve was on his knees in an instant to attend to Peter.  “What’s wrong, Peter? Are you okay?” 

Peter groaned again.  “Steve… Want more. Feel better.  Not sore.” 

“No, no; you can’t have more because Tony wasn’t supposed to give you any to begin with.  It’s not good for you, Peter.” 

“Rogers, he was  _ in pain _ , and the medication wasn’t helping.” Tony’s own voice was gruff now as he defended his actions.  “He was in pain, so I went and got him some to ease it. It helped; he liked it; now he’s calm and relaxed and  _ not hurting _ .  Just let him have a joint every now and then, Rogers; it’ll do him good.” 

“I don’t want him smoking that stuff!” Steve argued.  “He was doing okay without it!” 

“It’s not your decision to make.  It’s his life and his choice. You can’t tell him he can’t do something that makes him feel better just because you don’t like it,” Tony argued.  

“I can when it’s  _ bad  _ for him!” Steve got back to his feet and pointed to the front door.  “Both of you, leave! I’m pissed off right now!” 

Steve watched his friends march out of the house, but he didn’t care; he sat in Bruce’s place on the couch and pulled Peter onto his lap.  He closed his eyes and prayed like he’d never prayed before, but no matter how much he begged and pleaded for God’s help, he hadn’t felt God’s presence in months now, and he truly couldn’t work out why he was still holding on so tightly to his beliefs.

He sat with Peter, for what could have been hours while Bucky hid away in his bedroom to avoid the smell.  Steve’s phone rang, and when he answered it, he was greeted by a softer-sounding Tony now.

“So…  Banner told me you were in a bad mood because of Thor.” Tony sounded uncertain, and Steve knew he was picking his words carefully.  “He told me to call you and explain properly. We already called Strange while you were out and asked him, and he said it’d probably be okay - if there’s any issues with it, it’s just underlying stuff.  I should have asked you, Rogers. Sorry…” 

Steve shook his head.  He played with a small chunk of hair isolated to the side of Peter’s head as he mumbled, “Don’t worry about it, Tony…  Just don’t give it to him again. It’s bad for him.” 

“No, Rogers, it’s really not.  He was in a bad way earlier - must have been some pain left over because it came on pretty quickly.  Nothing we did for him was helping him, but the weed worked. I’m not bullshitting you, and I’m not telling you to let him smoke it constantly - but it  _ can  _ help him, Rogers.”

Steve wiped away stray tears from his cheeks.  “I don’t know what to think about that, Tony; I have never known anything good to come from drugs.” 

“I can understand that…  But if you won’t believe me, at least call Strange tomorrow and ask him about it.  He’s a doctor; if anyone knows his shit, it’s Strange.” 

Steve sighed.  He looked at his wristwatch, seeing just how late it was getting.  “I will think about calling him tomorrow, Tony. I’m going to make Peter dinner now.  Goodnight.” 

“Night, Rogers.” 

Steve ended the call, and tentatively he touched Peter’s cheek to gather his attention.  “Peter… Did that really help you make you feel better?” 

Peter nodded.  “Not sore, Steve…  Not sore…”

Steve sniffed back more tears as he reached up to wipe at his eyes.  Without knowing what at all he was supposed to think anymore, he found that that was the moment he finally left his faith behind.  


	15. Chapter 15

“Stevie…  We need to talk about Peter.” 

Steve frowned at Bucky, and tentatively he placed the cardboard box he’d been carrying down onto the floorboards of his old home.  He looked out of the living room window to see where his lover was, and to his relief, Peter was still outside, playing with Rocket.  He looked back to Bucky. “What about him?”

Bucky scratched his cheek uncomfortably, not sure how to begin.  “Well… Don’t you think he’s been acting a bit odd?”

“He always does; he’s always been odd ever since Thor brought him home.”

“I mean…  Towards  _ me _ ?” Bucky nibbled at his lip with uncertainty.  “You know he made me a cookie this morning, Steve?  Not a batch. Just a single cookie.” 

“That’s normal. For Peter, anyway.  He does weird things like that all the time.” Steve leant down to open the box and see what was inside.  “He made me a sandwich once, but only half a sandwich because he thought I wasn’t hungry. I think he threw the other half out.” 

“Yeah, but…  I don’t think he’s supposed to kiss me after, Steve.”

Steve froze in place at those words.  He didn’t move for so long, his knees were starting to hurt.  He closed his eyes and finally turned around to murmur sadly, “He probably thinks the three of us are in a relationship now…  I don’t know if he knows it’s usually only two people.” 

“I don’t want to step on anyone’s toes!” Bucky exclaimed.  

Steve shook his head.  “You’re not, Bucky. I know you wouldn’t do that.  I’ll talk to him.” 

“Stevie, I don’t want to -“

“- You didn’t do anything wrong, Buck; Peter’s just confused.  He’s still healing from the cancer.” Steve sighed. He looked out of the window again to see all the boxes still in his car and on the trailer he’d hired, hating that they had such a big job ahead of them.  “How long do you think it’s gonna take us?”

Bucky hummed.  “Well, to go to a furniture store and order new furniture as well?  Probably a day at minimum. I don’t know why you didn’t take the furniture from Thor’s place when we were there; didn’t you pay for most of it anyway?”

Steve shrugged.  “He can have it, Buck…  I don’t care about the furniture; I just wanted our things.  Thank you for bringing Peter’s car back, too; it will mean a lot to him.” 

Bucky clapped Steve on the back.  “It’s okay, Steve. What do you want me to help you with?” 

Steve looked around at the boxes they’d brought over earlier that morning.  “I dunno; maybe just poke around and see what you can handle. We can’t put much away until we get furniture in here again anyway.”

Bucky brushed stray hair out of his face as he suggested, “Why don’t we go organise the furniture first?”

Steve knew it was a smart idea.  The sooner they got back with a couch and bed at the very least, the sooner they could rest. He gave a reluctant nod.  “Right. I’ll just message Nick and tell him we’re on the way to borrow his truck.” 

Bucky left Steve inside to send his text.  He went out to gather Peter up, encouraging him to bring Rocket inside so he would be safe.  Of course, Peter couldn’t seem to do so without wrapping himself around Bucky like a giant teddy bear. 

It wasn’t that Bucky minded the affection.  Truthfully, he loved it, because it was only ever Steve who would get close to him.  

But Peter… didn’t seem to understand the difference between friendly and romantic affection, and Bucky wasn’t comfortable with that fact. 

“Peter…” Bucky rubbed his fingertips into the top of Peter’s scalp, feeling the soft fuzz beneath his fingers that was ever-so-slowly making an appearance.  “You shouldn’t treat me the same way you treat Steve…” 

Peter hummed.  He tilted his head back to peer up at Bucky’s face, unwilling to move from where his head rested against Bucky’s heartbeat.  “Why not?” 

“Because…  You and Steve are together, Peter.  That’s all.” Bucky put his hands on Peter’s shoulders, hoping he would understand.  “I don’t want to take you from him; he  _ loves  _ you, Peter.”

Peter hummed again, and his expression twisted with confusion.  “But I am with you, too, Bucky; I am hugging you.”

“No, I mean…  Your relationship with Steve.” Bucky chewed at his lip, hoping he was going about this in the right manner.

“But…  Won’t you just share me?”  It wasn’t helping. Peter was just too confused, and through no fault of his own could he understand properly.  

Bucky knew this wasn’t his place.  He frowned deeply, and with a gentle squeeze of Peter’s right shoulder, he shook his head and murmured, “You are worth much more than the way you treat yourself…  You are nobody’s toy, and you deserve to be loved properly.”

Peter didn’t understand.  In fact, Bucky was sure he had only confused Peter even more, because even in the week that had passed since Tony had given Steve his home back, Peter still hadn’t recovered one-hundred percent. 

Bucky clapped Peter on the back and said, “Enough about that; I’m sure Steve will talk to you about it soon.  Get in the car, okay? We’re heading out again.”

“To get Thor’s stuff now?” There was an almost hopeful tone in Peter’s voice, and Bucky couldn’t help but flinch; did Peter want Thor to move back home with them, or did he just expect for Thor’s return?  

“...No, Peter…  Not yet…” Bucky opened the back door of the Lexus.  He wasn’t going to tell Peter these things; he had no right to, and part of him was sure Peter would handle it well only if it came from Steve himself.  “To buy new furniture.” 

“‘Cause Rocket broke the old stuff?” Peter was so innocent in his questions, Bucky couldn’t help but wish he would hurry up and heal and stop being so childlike.  

“...Yes.  Because Rocket broke the old stuff,” Bucky agreed gently.  

Peter nodded, more to himself as he reached forward to play with the air vents now that he was seated in the passenger seat.  “Okay.”

Bucky let out a sigh of relief that Peter was satisfied with the information given.  It wasn’t Peter’s fault; the cancer and the surgery had left Peter’s mental and emotional state very regressed, but every day, he showed more and more signs of getting back to his old self.  It was going to take some time; they just had to be patient as Peter continued to slowly find himself. 

Steve joined them in the car after a short while.  He offered a smile to Peter, glad to see he was entertaining himself with opening and shutting his air vents.  “Okay, let’s stop by Nick’s house and get his truck.”

Peter beamed now as the words registered in his mind. “Can I drive it?”

“Not right now, Peter; you’re not allowed to drive for a little while longer.  Remember what the doctors told you?” Steve reached out to take Peter’s hand. 

Peter’s smile vanished, and he let out a heavy sigh as he looked to his lap and gripped his pants tightly.  “...Miss driving…”

Steve frowned now too, and he squeezed Peter’s hand.  “Tell you what. Maybe if you’re good today and take a rest, I’ll ask Clint if he’ll let you drive his truck around on his farm tomorrow.  You’ll be safe out there and you won’t hit anything.”

Peter was beaming once again.  His eyes crinkled with the weight of his affection as he exclaimed, “I love Steve!”

“I love you, too,” Steve promised.  

The car ride fell into a comfortable silence after that.  Steve kept his eyes on the road while Peter watched the world go by and Bucky played with his phone. 

Soon enough, Peter’s fingers twitched in Steve’s hand, and he turned to look at Steve with a pondering look on his face.  “Steve?”

“Yes?”

“When can I have my Walkman back?  How come Thor won’t let me have it back?”

“He’s not keeping it from you; he hasn’t… been home to give it back to you,” Steve explained carefully.  “I got it for you today; it’s in one of the boxes somewhere; I promise.” 

Peter looked much happier now, and he went back to looking out of his window for a little while more before he asked, “Can I put the music on, Steve?”

Steve nodded.  “Bucky, can he use your phone for a second?”

Bucky had no issues passing his phone over, and though he expected for his favourite soft, classical music to fill the air, instead he jumped a foot into the air and felt his face catch on fire when loud, almost  _ deafening  _ moaning vibrates throughout the car. 

Peter squeaked and dropped the phone onto his lap so he could cover his eyes with his hands.  Steve swerved into the emergency lane, partly from being startled so much, and snatched the phone from his lover’s lap to turn the video off. 

“Peter!” Steve felt a wide range of emotion, but he was sure most of all, he felt incredibly embarrassed.  “You were supposed to be putting music on - not looking through his videos!”

Peter rubbed at his eyes as he whimpered, “I-I thought I was in the music, Steve!  I didn’t know where I was! I just wanted music; I swear! I no like dick, Steve! I no like girl bits, either!”

“Peter, you have  _ sex  _ with _ two men _ !” Steve exasperated.  “I specifically remember times where you would refuse to sleep if Thor did not put himself into your mouth for you to suck on while you fell asleep!”

“No!  I no like dick, Steve!” Peter tried again.  “Not… Not… Only Steve! And Thor and Bucky!”

Bucky winced as his name echoed in his ears.  “Petey… Come on, I’m just your friend!”

“But I like Bucky!” Peter exclaimed.  “Bucky is  _ nice  _ to me!  I not look for porn!  I not watch it!”

“Yes, you do; you watch it with Thor,” Steve pointed out. 

“No, no!  Steve not understand; Peter not hard by porn!  Only by Thor! Peter not feel hard by anyone else!” With Peter’s vocabulary quickly regressing again, Steve could tell how flustered he was.  “Honest! Peter not want to watch videos!” 

Steve glanced to Peter’s lap, and just as Peter claimed, not a hint of arousal could be noticed.  It didn’t make sense; Peter claiming to not be attracted to penises when he had once upon a time been concerned almost solely about whether or not he could put one into his mouth.  Steve could almost believe Peter when he said he didn’t like females; after Hela, Steve really couldn’t blame him. 

“Peter, I don’t…” Steve trailed off. 

“Petey, why do you say that you like me?” Bucky asked carefully. 

“Bucky is  _ nice!”  _ Peter repeated himself.  

“Did you always like me…?”

Peter shook his head.  “No; not ‘til Peter stay with Bucky.  Peter feel safe.” 

Bucky tapped Steve on the shoulder.  “I think Peter is trying to tell you that he isn’t exactly gay or even bi…  I think he can only feel attraction to someone he feels particularly close with.” 

Steve felt like he was at a loss.  What Bucky was saying  _ did  _ make sense; Peter had never had a chance to explore himself until Thor came along - and even then, he was limited in what he could explore.  

But Steve… couldn’t accept what Peter was telling him.  Steve didn’t want to go back to a three-way relationship.  He was happy being with Peter, even if it wasn’t the kind of relationship he really wanted.   

“Peter… I don’t…  I’ve never thought of Bucky that way, and I don’t really want to add a third person into the relationship…” Steve sighed.  “I love  _ you _ .  Bucky is my friend, and that’s it.”

Peter whined softly.  “But… Bucky can’t have Peter, too, Steve…?”

“No, he can’t, Peter, because that’s not how relationships are supposed to work.” Steve shook his head.  “Everything that happened with Thor… is  _ not  _ how I want things for us to be in the future.  Now pass me the phone so I can put the music on for you; I don’t want to talk about this right now, okay?”

Peter nodded.  He fell silent now, focusing on the music Steve played for him.  He couldn’t say he understood what Steve was trying to say; he was so used to being in a threeway, he almost expected it. 

...But truthfully, Peter wasn’t sure he wanted another one, because just being with Steve had taught him so much he hadn’t been able to learn before, and Peter loved the security he had at knowing he didn’t have to battle for anyone’s attentions anymore. 

* * *

 

Steve had forgotten how exhausting it was to move house, especially when he had to do most of it on his own since Peter was banned from lifting things, and Bucky’s bad arm could only do so much.  

Needless to say, once they had gotten home with some furniture and set it all up, most of the boxes had remained unopened in favour of the three curling up on the couch together after they’d eaten their dinner.  

It was a comfortable quiet while they all did their own thing, and Steve couldn’t have asked for anything else.  Bucky was immersed in a book, and while Peter was curled up on his side with his head in Steve’s lap as he played a game on Steve’s phone, Steve was watching the nightly news with eyes heavy from sleep deprivation.  

Steve could feel himself beginning to drift off into sleep once his eyes had slipped closed, but before he could reach oblivion, Bucky grabbed his shoulder and called his name.

Steve mumbled incoherently and tried to blink the sleep from his eyes as he looked at Bucky.  “Was’sit…?” 

“Someone’s here.” Bucky looked out the window again at the car that had stopped outside the living room window.  “Do you want me to get the door?” 

Steve looked tiredly at their visitor.  He recognised the car, and with an exhausted groan, he shifted and mumbled, “It’s Loki…  You can let him in, Buck. I’m going to make a coffee.” 

Steve carefully untangled himself from Peter so he could disappear into the kitchen.  He made coffees for the three of them, as well as a cup of tea for Loki, and returned to the living room with them all to distribute it.

“How are you, Loki?” Steve was as polite as he always was to Loki, despite the unusual disdain on his guest’s face.  

Loki seemed to be seething as he almost spat out.  “Not pleasant, Rogers; not since my brother had himself admitted because of you.” 

Steve sighed.  He should have expected this, really - but by this point?  He was just too exhausted to be able to bring himself to care.  “Loki, I didn’t tell Thor to do that. He chose to do it of his own free will - and honestly?  I’m  _ glad  _ he made that decision himself.”

Loki bit his lip so hard, blood dribbled down his chin.  He shook his head. “My brother is in a  _ hell _ .  You have had such an easy,  _ blessed  _ life, Rogers.  You would not know hardship if it punched you in the face.  You have no  _ idea  _ what it’s like to be trapped in that kind of place…”

“If Thor admitted himself, he is free to leave at any time he wants to,” Steve explained in a flat tone.  “He’s a voluntary patient, and they cannot keep him there against his will. He’s not a prisoner; he’s trying to get help for himself.”

“Steve…” Peter’s nervous tone came from Steve’s lap as he lifted his hand to tug at his husband’s sleeve. 

Peter wasn’t liking the confrontation, Steve knew.  He took Peter’s hand and squeezed it, hoping the argument wouldn’t go on for too long.  “Loki, you’re upsetting my husband.” 

“You  _ hospitalised  _ my  _ brother _ !” Loki exclaimed.  “I can’t forgive you for that!  Knowing he’s there… All I can think about is when  _ I  _ was there!  I’m worried sick they’ll treat him like they treated me, and you’re concerned about  _ Quill _ !”

“Thor’s an adult, and you  _ know  _ he doesn’t let people walk over him,” Steve reminded.  “He won’t let them treat him poorly, and as I said; if he does not like it there, he is free to leave.”

“I saw him again today.” Loki’s hands clenched into fists at the memory.  “He was still so upset over you two… Says he has not been able to eat or sleep and the nurses had to take him to the infirmary yesterday…  Because of  _ you _ .”

“I left Thor because no matter how hard we tried to fix things, it wasn’t working out between us.” Steve didn’t care how cold his tone had become.  “He was becoming a nightmare, and had I stayed with him, Peter would have  _ died _ .  I couldn’t let that happen.  So I left, and I took Peter with me to at least give him a chance.  I just wish I’d left him sooner; maybe then Hela wouldn’t have done what she had to Peter.”

Loki’s nose scrunched up at the mention of Hela.  His eyes narrowed. “You think I like Hela any better than you do?  I have spent my entire life trying to tell Thor what she is like. But instead he  _ always  _ took her side.  ...Even when she’d slap my face and call me pathetic…  When she’d tell Thor to  _ hurt  _ me…  He  _ always  _ made excuses for her, and I  _ hate  _ her.”

Steve put his palm flat against the top of Peter’s head so he could rub his fingertips into his husband’s scalp.  “And that… is a  _ perfect  _ example of why I left, Loki.  You can’t blame me for needing to take care of myself and Peter.”

“I am  _ not _ blaming you for that; I am blaming you for leaving him with  _ her _ ,” Loki snarled.  “You don’t  _ know  _ what she does to him, Rogers.  And he was so fragile minded at the time.  You don’t  _ know _ .”

“I know that Thor is a grown man perfectly capable of taking care of himself, no matter how much he likes for me to run after him.” 

“Not against  _ Hela _ ,” Loki hissed.  “Hela fucked him up so much, sometimes I  _ hate  _ my brother for what she did to him.” 

Steve raised an eyebrow.  He shared a look with Bucky, and carefully, he explained, “I don’t know what you’re talking about, Loki, but Thor controls his own life.” 

“Not without Hela’s influence over him, he doesn’t.  Why do you think he’s the self-centred bastard he is?  Because even as children, Hela had him against me. She  _ taught  _ him to be how he is today, but even  _ she  _ resents Thor a little as well for the fact that she could never  _ completely  _ teach Thor to hate me.” Loki grabbed stray strands of his hair and wrapped it around his fingers.  “She might have gotten him to hit and shove me a few times when he was angry with me, but no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t get him to  _ abuse  _ me like  _ she  _ did.  I hate her so much…  I hate her so  _ fucking  _ much.” 

“I’m sorry to hear that.  But…” Bucky hoped he wasn’t stepping out of line here, but he  _ had  _ to say it.  “Thor chose his own path.  He didn’t  _ have  _ to follow what Hela taught him to do…  But he did. And it’s not  _ entirely  _ his fault - honestly, it’s  _ not _ .  But Thor had every opportunity to work through his own issues before they became such a big problem, and he didn’t.  Hela had influence over him - I won’t argue that she didn’t - but… Loki, Thor  _ chose  _ to follow that path, and the consequences happened to bite him for it.  You can’t blame Steve for something Thor never sought help over…” 

Steve looked down at the soft sob against his lap.  He didn’t know if it was Hela or Thor being brought up, or even both of them, but still…  “Buck, can you help Peter find his Walkman, please…?” 

Bucky didn’t hesitate to obey, and it was just in time, because Loki had snarled now, “You’re clearly underestimating what she’s like if you can blame my brother for her actions - she got herself  _ pregnant  _ off your  _ husband _ !” 

Steve raised his hand to his mouth.  He looked over to Peter, hoping he hadn’t heard.  To his relief, Peter seemed oblivious as he asked Bucky about his Walkman.  

Steve turned back to Loki.  “Not in front of Peter! Hela is lying!” 

“She wouldn’t lie about something like this because she knows that if she did, she  _ wouldn’t  _ be believed,” Loki growled.  “I can assure you, despite what comes out of her mouth, she’s telling the truth for once, Rogers.” 

Steve shook his head.  “No. I still don’t believe her.  She did it to him  _ once _ \- not over a period of time!  Peter’s luck  _ surely  _ can’t be  _ that  _ bad!” 

“And going by what Thor has told me about it, she made him orgasm  _ five times  _ before Thor walked in on it,” Loki snarled.  He got to his feet and tightened his coat around his body.  “What the hell kind of partner are you? I hope Quill finds out one day that Hela did something to  _ his  _ kid because  _ you  _ wouldn’t listen.  Maybe then you might understand a little of how  _ I  _ had to feel growing up with  _ her  _ and trying to get my  _ brother  _ to  _ believe  _ me.”

Steve’s eyes closed, and his mouth opened as pain shot through him like poison.  Why did everyone always have to blame him for everything? He only ever tried his best, did everything he could to take care of himself and his loved ones - and all it ever got him was abuse.  

Steve was tired.  So incredibly tired, and he didn’t know how to explain the heaviness in his heart.  He’d thought that leaving Thor would be the beginning of their mending, but it only seemed to be making things worse. 

Loki was gone, and Steve rose to his own feet to tread his way into the dining room doorway to say softly, “I’m going to bed…  Goodnight…” 

Bucky didn’t get a chance to say anything about the look of utter hopelessness on Steve’s face, and Peter hadn’t even stopped digging through the box to turn around and respond to his husband.  Steve was gone, but no matter how long he laid in bed for with his eyes closed, he couldn’t sleep. 

Peter came upstairs eventually, and warily, he cracked their bedroom door open to peer inside.  “Steve…?” 

“Come in, Peter,” Steve mumbled. 

Peter did as he was told.  He clambered into their bed and laid down in Steve’s arms, their chests pressed together so he could wipe away the tears from Steve’s cheek.  “Why you crying?” 

“I’m just sad.  It’s okay.” Steve did his best to smile, but he knew it wasn’t convincing at all.  

“You ‘kay?” Peter snuggled in closer to rest his head beneath Steve’s chin.  He kissed lightly at the warm flesh of his husband’s throat, hoping Steve would understand he was only trying to make him feel better. 

Steve nodded.  “I will be. Don’t worry about me, though.  I’m fine.” 

“But you crying…” Peter lifted his head to kiss Steve’s cheek now.  “I hate when you cry; makes me cry, too.” 

“I’m sorry…” 

“No, no sorry; it’s ‘kay,” Peter promised.  He wrapped his arms around Steve and kept their fronts pressed tightly together.  “What happened to make you sad? Can Peter help?” 

“You  _ are  _ helping; you’re here with me, Peter,” Steve reassured.  

Peter hummed thoughtfully.  “I make coffee for you?” 

“It’s okay, Peter; I don’t need anything.  Just lay here with me and I’ll feel better.” 

Peter hummed again.  “Steve always does stuff to make Peter feel better…  I want to help.” 

“You are,” Steve repeated.  “You  _ are  _ helping.  I appreciate you being here with me, Peter; that’s all I’ll ask from you.” 

Peter nodded.  He wasn’t convinced by Steve’s words; he wanted so badly to be able to make Steve feel better the way Steve always made  _ him  _ feel better when he was sad - but when his brain couldn’t even connect his thoughts properly, he knew he was pretty much useless. 

“I’m sorry I am bad husband…” Peter sighed.  “I try…”

“I know you try, Peter…  You do your best, and I am happy with that.” 

“I just want to feel better again soon,” Peter whispered.  “Feel better so I can be better husband again. Brain still…  Brain still jumbled, Steve. Hate it. Sad, too.” 

“You have nothing you need to apologise for,” Steve promised.  He wrapped his own arms around Peter to hold him close so he could rest their foreheads together and caress Peter’s cheek with his fingertips.  “It’s not your fault.” 

Peter let out a content sigh.  “I love Steve. I want to kiss with Steve again.” 

Steve obliged, and their tongues danced together for almost ten minutes until Peter pulled away to murmur, “Steve is sad, but it’s ‘kay, Steve; Peter still loves you.” 

Steve blinked back fresh tears.  “...I know. I know you do… Let’s go to sleep, okay?” 

“I play my Walkman, Steve?” The hopeful tone in Peter’s voice left Steve without the heart to say no. 

“Not too loudly, please.” 

Peter obeyed, and while he was quick to fall asleep for once, Steve was left wide awake for so long, the sun had started to rise before he finally managed to drift off himself.  

  
  
  
  
  



	16. Chapter 16

“Steve~”

Steve had been so lost in thought, he hadn’t heard Peter coming in to the living room.  He jumped at the sudden weight that dropped down onto his lap, but when he felt Peter’s arms wrap tightly around him, he relaxed.  He dropped his own hand onto Peter’s waist, trying his best to force the unusual anxiety out of him as he murmured, “Hello, Peter.” 

Peter was bright.  So bloody bright and excited and  _ happy,  _ Steve couldn’t help but give a smile.  The two months that had passed had really been making a difference for Peter, and it was all Steve cared for.  “Steve~ Can you please take me to the flower store to buy a tree?” 

“A tree?” In Steve’s mind, he could see Peter asking to buy the biggest tree he could find with the intentions of getting it home in Steve’s sedan.  

“Yeah.  Look~!” Peter untangled one of his arms from Steve so he could get his phone from his pocket and show his lover the video he had been watching on YouTube.  “It’s a bosi tree, Steve. Can I please get one?” 

“It’s a bonsai,” Steve explained gently.  “Are you sure you want one? I think they’re supposed to be a lot of work.” 

“Yeah, I want one; they’re really cool.” Peter dropped his chin to Steve’s shoulder, still smiling.  “I wanna make a garden, too. Please?” 

Steve chuckled.  “I never took you to be the gardening type.” 

Peter shrugged.  “I’m interested. I wanna learn.  Can you teach me?” 

“I suppose I can,” Steve offered.  He kissed Peter’s temple and ran his fingers through soft brown hair that had slowly started growing back.  “Can you give me ten minutes? I’m just… sitting down for a bit.” 

“Are you feeling sad again?” Peter nuzzled their cheeks together.  

Steve shook his head.  “Not really… I’m just thinking…” 

Peter made a soft sound in the back of his throat as he snuggled closer.  He reached into his pocket, but he didn’t pull anything out; he just kept his fingertips against the concealed baggy as he asked warily, “Do you… wanna have a smoke, Steve…?  It makes me feel better when I am sad…” 

“No, I’m fine,” Steve promised.  “Thank you though.” 

Peter nodded.  “I know you don’t like it, Steve…  I just wanna help.” 

Peter seemed to say those words every day, Steve knew.  Always recognising that Steve wasn’t his normal self and offering to assist - but never being able to because he just didn’t know  _ how _ .  It wasn’t Peter’s fault.  Peter had good intentions, and his heart was in the right place, but Steve needed more than someone who cried whenever Steve tried to explain how he was feeling.  

It wasn’t Peter’s fault, but Steve found it exhausting.  

Peter tended to be a bit on the quieter side of things now.  Steve still wasn’t sure if it was a result of the brain cancer and its surgery, or had something to do with the copious amount of time he spent smoking much to Steve’s displeasure, but it wasn’t entirely unwelcome; it left Steve with more time to himself, and sometimes he really needed the alone time.  

But with that quiet side came the overload of affection that seemed to be making up for Peter’s absent hyperactivity.  Steve let himself relax when he felt Peter grab his hand and hold it tight. He closed his eyes and allowed his body to melt, just glad for Peter being so close to him. 

Peter’s thumb caressed the back of Steve’s hand slowly.  His breathing was steadying, and Steve was sure he was trying to nap.

That was, until Steve felt his hand being moved and pressed to rest against Peter’s thigh.  He was almost questioning about the action, but when he felt Peter move his hand against the rough material of Peter’s denim, he understood. 

“Are you sure?” Steve’s breath was warm against Peter’s neck as he murmured gently against his lover’s soft flesh. 

Peter nodded.  He squeezed Steve’s hand, closing his eyes and melting into the touch.  

It had been so long.  Steve knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t stop the pressure from within his pants.  Peter hadn’t been wanting sex. Hell, he hadn’t been wanting  _ any  _ sort of intimate touch outside of his normal cuddling rituals.  Steve understood it, to a degree; having never really suffered sexual abuse outside of a few unwanted gropes from Hela, he couldn’t relate to Peter completely.  He understood the uncomfortable feeling, the sickness in his stomach, and being a little hesitant to let Thor’s hands down there so soon after an encounter with Hela - but suffering the real deal?  Steve couldn’t understand it, so he’d refrained from initiating intimate acts with Peter. 

Steve’s fingers kneaded loving caresses into Peter’s thigh.  He kept his eyes focused firmly on the top of Peter’s head, watching for his lover’s reactions as he continued.  Peter himself was focused on watching Steve’s hand, his head dipped as his breathing became a little more excited.  Steve couldn’t help but wonder what he would find if he were to drop his gaze to Peter’s lap. 

Peter lifted his head to draw Steve in for a deep kiss.  He moved one of his own shaking hands to touch Steve’s clothed stomach, his light touches slowly, yet steadily, becoming more confident.  

“Steve…” Peter gave a content sigh.  He dropped his head again, looking at the prominent bulge Steve’s dress pants only emphasised.  He lifted his gaze once more to meet Steve’s before he wrapped his arms around his husband’s neck and moved closer so their bodies pressed against one another as they continued their kissing.  

Steve wasn’t sure he’d ever wanted sex as badly as he did right now.  It took everything he had to keep Peter on his lap and not lay him down and ravage him - but, as Steve had to remember, maybe Peter didn’t want that again so soon.  

Steve broke the kiss so he could lick and nibble and nip at Peter’s throat.  “I love you…” 

“I love you, too,” Peter murmured back.  He tilted his head back to make more room for Steve, and as he did so, he took Steve’s other hand and rested it on his hip.  “Please…?” 

Steve nodded.  He kept his palm on top of Peter’s shirt as he rubbed and caressed and squeezed, but Peter seemed pleased with it all because his eyes were closed and his breathing was coming in short, hasty pants as his body quivered and rocked.  

Peter took Steve’s hand from his thigh and placed it against the side of his rib cage.  He dragged it down his side, telling Steve what he wanted, and once he felt the calloused fingertips sliding downward to his other hip, a quiet moan escaped him.  

This is how it should have been for Peter, Steve gave a brief thought to when Peter gasped and bucked his hips slightly.  He should have been given the opportunity to explore his own body like this, rather than being forced into sex at every turn.  Even as Steve thought about, he felt the guilt in his stomach as he realised he had never really been much better than Thor or Hela as he himself had always been overly eager to get into the action and never take his time to build it up slowly for him or Peter.

But Peter was enjoying this, Steve could tell.  Maybe Peter wanted more, Steve wasn’t entirely sure even if Peter’s continuous glances down to his hardened self were telling, but for now…

This was enough.  For both of them. 

A soft whine escaped Peter.  He took Steve’s hand from his side and placed it on top of his head, whining again as he gave a half-lidded look to Steve.  Steve understood, and as affectionately as he was capable of, he stroked his lover’s head as their tongues danced together once more.  

Peter broke away when he felt Steve’s fingers caress his cheek.  His expression was a familiar one, panting and undone as his flushed face struggled to contain everything he was feeling.  “S-steve… I-I’m c-co…” 

Steve pulled Peter back into a kiss as Peter rode out his orgasm.  He waited until Peter had caught his breath and slumped against him before he rubbed his husband’s back and hummed to him.  “Peter?” 

Peter leant back to look at Steve properly.  He gave a tired smile before he frowned and mumbled, “You…  You didn’t…” 

Steve shook his head.  He cupped Peter’s cheek tenderly as he murmured, “I didn’t.  But it’s okay. I don’t need to come, Peter. I can take care of it myself later.” 

Peter’s frown deepened.  He bit his lip, and his fingers twitched as if he were deep in uncomfortable thought.  His hand still inched towards Steve’s arousal, no matter how hesitantly he clearly did so. 

Steve grabbed Peter’s wrist and stopped him before he could make contact.  He shook his head, and firmly, he explained, “If it makes you uncomfortable, I don’t want you to do it.  You don’t  _ have  _ to do  _ anything,  _ Peter.  I only want it from you if  _ you  _ want it too and are  _ comfortable  _ with doing it.  So please. Let me take care of this on my own, okay?” 

The confusion on Peter’s face only grew, but still, he grimaced and nodded.  He allowed himself to be moved onto the couch beside Steve so he could stand, but before Steve could leave, he grabbed his lover by the wrist and stopped him.  “But, Steve…? Won’t you… get bored of me if I don’t do stuff for you…?” 

It was Steve’s turn to frown now.  He clasped Peter’s hand tightly in both of his and squeezed.  “The last time you didn’t want sex… I really hoped you’d have learnt that I’m not with you for  _ sex _ , Peter…  I am not Thor; please don’t treat me as if I am…  Sex is the  _ least  _ important thing to me in a relationship; if I had to give it up for life for someone I love…  Then I will be sexless, but I will be  _ happy _ .” 

Peter didn’t look convinced, but regardless, he let go of Steve’s wrist and sat back on the couch quietly.  

There were still sections of memory missing in Peter’s mind, Steve knew.  By this point, if he’d ever recover them again, Steve didn’t think was going to happen.  The missing memories themselves weren’t such a big problem; they could always create new memories together,  _ happy  _ memories - but the real problem was, it wasn’t so much the memories missing, but the emotions attached to them. 

Peter remembered most of his past by now, Steve was sure.  He remembered Ego, and the emotional trauma that had ensued with Steve walking out on them.  He remembered Yondu and his mother and all the years he had spent on his own and wanting to die.  But Steve wasn’t sure the emotions were still there, or if the cancer had changed the feelings he held towards certain things.  

Sometimes, Steve had to wonder if the cancer had done more harm than they’d realised, and had given Peter a stronger negative reaction to the suffering in his life, because Peter had learnt already that Steve loved him for more than just  _ sex _ .  

Steve didn’t want to think too much on it.  He went upstairs and into the bathroom so he could take a seat on the toilet and free himself from his pants.  It didn’t take long for him; a few minutes of slow-paced, firm strokes, and he was done. 

He had to admit; at least the tension he had been in prior to Peter’s affection had left by now, and he found himself in a better mood as he washed his hands and fetched new pants and underwear for Peter while he was in their room. 

Thankfully, the good mood lasted when Steve took Peter into town.  Honestly, it was hard  _ not  _ to feel better at just how pure Peter was as he excitedly picked out his bonsai tree and all the different seeds he wanted to try and plant on his own, and Steve couldn’t help but smile.  As hard as it was sometimes, at least he still had Peter. 

* * *

 

“I’m gonna call ‘im Groot.” 

Steve looked up from the pizza slice he had been absentmindedly chewing at.  He cocked his head to the side. “Groot?”

“Mhm.  My bosi tree.  He needs a name.” Peter picked the mushrooms off his own pizza before he reached out to pat the pot plant he had put next to his plate.  “I think Groot sounds cool.” 

Steve chuckled.  “Okay, Peter. I like it, too.” 

They went back to a comfortable silence at that, each focused on their own thoughts as they ate their dinner at the table and watched the sun slowly disappear.  Steve’s phone ringing broke the peaceful atmosphere, and almost regretfully, he answered the call.

“Hey, Tony.” Steve took another pizza slice from the box to put on his plate.

“Hey…”  Almost immediately, Steve could pick up on the tension in Tony’s voice.  “So, uh… Can I get a favour off you, Rogers?” 

“Are you okay?” Steve was concerned.  The first thoughts that crossed his mind was that something had happened on Tony and Bruce’s vacation, that maybe they’d crashed their car and were stranded somewhere and needed Steve to drive for hours to come rescue them.  

But when Tony responded, Steve could only  _ wish  _ that was the case.  “Yeah… See, I’m gonna need you to go and get the big guy…” 

“What?  Tony, no.  I -” 

“- I wouldn’t ask it if I wasn’t desperate.” Tony’s voice went so quiet, Tony could barely hear him.  “...Please.” 

“...” 

“He didn’t want anyone to tell you this, but he’s been out of hospital for two weeks now.”  Tony was only getting more and more uncomfortable, and Steve’s mouth was numbingly dry in response.  “He wanted to be left alone, but, uh… Yeah, he doesn’t have a home anymore…” 

Steve scoffed.  “What, he fuck up again and sell it?” 

“No.” Tony fell silent for so long, Steve checked his phone screen to make sure the call was still active.  “...It burnt down.” 

Steve almost dropped his phone.  He couldn’t imagine the pain Thor must be experiencing at that; to have battled so desperately for the home that had eventually destroyed his life, only to lose it so cruelly…  

Steve’s heart hurt, and he wished it didn’t.  

“...How?” Steve closed his eyes.  Did he really want to know? 

“His sister burnt it down - somethin’ like that.” Tony sniffed suspiciously, and Steve had a feeling his friend was fighting against tears.  “...So, yeah… As you can imagine, he’s got nowhere… His brother’s AWOL overseas, and Bruce and I are on the other side of the country, and we…  We’ve  _ tried,  _ Rogers.  We even got Barton to ask his golf buddy if Thor could stay a while, but Lang’s in jail again, and we…  I wouldn’t ask if I wasn’t desperate, Rogers.” 

Steve wanted to say no.  To yell and scream and rant that Thor had fucked them all over so much and maybe it was  _ karma  _ what had happened.  

...But Steve had never been good at getting back at people, and the kindness of his heart knew no bounds.  By all means, he couldn’t forgive Thor - not so soon, at least - but to leave him out there in the cold, homeless and heartbroken…? 

“Peter?” Steve put his hand over the receiver of his phone to grab Peter’s attention.  “Will you be okay here on your own for a little while? I have to… to run some errands…” 

Peter looked so bright as he nodded, Steve couldn’t help but feel guilty; would he only upset Peter if he were to return with Thor?  Or would Peter be happy and excited about it? “Yep~! Gonna watch some more gardenin’ videos, Steve; wanna plant my garden tomorrow~” 

“Okay.” Steve offered a smile he was sure didn’t meet his eyes.  “I’ll try not to be too long.” 

“‘Kay~” Peter went back to picking at his pizza to feed bits of it to Rocket.  

Steve stood up, and while still on the phone to Tony, he left the house and went straight to Thor’s.

* * *

 

Thor wasn’t talking.  He hadn’t said a word to Steve, but Steve didn’t believe it was out of spite or hatred or anything like that; Thor wouldn’t even  _ look  _ at Steve.  It was as if he felt so beaten down, it  _ pained  _ him to know that this was what it had come to.  

Steve had tried to talk to Thor on the drive home.  He’d tried, but nothing he’d been able to say had gotten a response from his husband.  Knowing Thor, Steve suspected it was because Thor feared that if he so much as opened his mouth, he wouldn’t be able to keep himself from crying.  

The hardest blow came when they got home, and Steve had entered the house first with Thor hesitating outside, as if he felt too unwelcome or out of place to pass the front door.  Peter had bounded off the couch and wrapped himself around Steve, mumbling his joy now that Steve had returned home while Steve crinkled his nose at the overpowering smell of marijuana he wished so badly Peter would stop smoking inside at the very least.  

Thor finally stepped inside, and with a disdainful look at his husbands, he trudged his way upstairs and into the bedroom. 

Steve pushed at Peter’s shoulders firmly to get him to back off a little.  “Peter… Why didn’t you say hello to Thor?” 

“What?” Peter cocked his eyebrow as confusion filled his expression.  “But Thor… doesn’t want us anymore; I dunno where he even  _ is  _ so I  _ can’t  _ say hello to him, Steve…” 

“You didn’t see him walk inside just now?” 

Peter’s eyes immediately filled with tears as he started crying and rubbing at his eyes.  “I  _ hate  _ my stupid eyes, Steve!  I can’t see shit and I  _ hate  _ it!  I can’t even  _ hear  _ good anymore and it’s so stupid and sometimes I wish I just  _ died _ ‘cause I can’t even listen to my music properly now!” 

“Peter…” Steve sighed.  “Peter, I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to upset you.  Thor’s upstairs, alright? Do you want to go and say hello to him?” 

Peter shrugged.  “But he don’t want us anymore, Steve…  He’ll yell at me for botherin’ him…” 

Steve wrapped his arms around Peter to hold him close.  Maybe Peter had a point. Thor had looked so agonised to think Peter was ignoring him, but…  Thor had seemed so shut down in the car… 

“Do you feel like sleeping with me on the couch tonight, Peter?” Steve cupped Peter’s cheek as he waited for a response.

“But what about our bed?” Peter shuffled anxiously on the spot as his confusion mounted.  “Are we gonna move again? I don’t wanna; I just… I just… I wanna…” 

“We aren’t moving; we’ll just be letting Thor be on his own to calm down.  It’s okay. Relax.” 

Peter rubbed at his itching eyes.  “‘Kay… But… But…” 

Steve hated the frustrated noise deep in Peter’s throat as he reached into his pocket to take another blunt.  He wanted to snatch it out of Peter’s hand and destroy it, but… 

Peter needed the help, as much as Steve hated to admit it. 

“Are you tired?  I’ll get a blanket and we’ll watch a movie together, okay?” Steve took Peter’s hand and led him back to the couch.  “It’ll be okay. Just… Just leave Thor alone until I talk with him, okay?”

Peter nodded.  He lit his cigarette lighter as he mumbled, “You won’t let him yell at me…?” 

“No, I won’t,” Steve promised.  As an afterthought, he added, “And I don’t think he’ll yell at you, either; I think he…  Just needs to be on his own for a little while. Just give him some space; he’s going to need it.” 

Peter nodded.  “‘Kay… I’m gonna put Groot at the window.” 

“Good idea.” Steve let Peter go to tend to his plant, and in his lover’s absence, he couldn’t help but think.  He’d seen Thor shut down like this only a handful of times before, and usually… 

It was because Thor was going through something so hard, Steve worried about what he would do to himself if given the chance.  

Hopefully, Thor would be okay, but Steve had to make a mental note to arrange for Thor to stay with Tony and Bruce the second they were home, because Steve didn’t want Thor here for any longer than necessary.  


	17. Chapter 17

Peter rarely woke up before Steve or Thor did.  Usually, he slept through their rousing moments peacefully and remained oblivious to the world until long after they’d each started their day. 

For Peter’s eyes to have opened while it was still dark outside… Well, he could only suspect he had woken from the anxiety that had his entire body trembling.  

Peter wanted to wake Steve.  He wanted to reach out and shake his husband and whimper out the stress settled deep in his stomach, but he knew not to; Steve hadn’t been sleeping well lately, and Peter didn’t want to disturb him.  

“Rocket…?” Peter scooped his pet up into his arms before he stood from the couch and wandered into the kitchen.  He held Rocket tight to his chest as he tried to stop the anxiety from growing. He almost could have done it, but a loud yell from upstairs startled him so badly, tears slipped down his cheeks, and his breaths came in panicked little gasps.  

Thor wasn’t awake, Peter knew; he’d heard his husband sleep-talk plenty of times, and he recognised Thor’s voice to be bogged down with near-incomphresensible mumbles.  He was sleep-yelling, but this knowledge couldn’t comfort Peter - not even when Thor’s loud sobs drifted downstairs now. 

Peter rubbed the tears from his eyes as he fought back his own sobs.  He couldn’t cope emotionally with this, and the longer he stood in place, the worse he felt until he was sure he would fall into a panic attack if he couldn’t get away soon.  

Peter knew he wasn’t allowed to.  He knew it was stupid of him, and  _ dangerous _ , and when Steve would wake up and realised what he’d done, he was going to be in  _ big  _ trouble.  But Peter didn’t care; he was just too scared to stay home, and the only thing that made proper sense to him in his confused mind was to get away. 

Peter stumbled over to the keyholder nailed into the wall next to the fridge.  His eyebrows furrowed as he tried to decipher the two sets of car keys hanging off it, but despite the fogginess in his eyesight, he found his keys to his car, and with that, he took Rocket and hurried outside to get away.  

* * *

 

Peter couldn’t have been any more stressed than he was when he finally found himself on Bucky’s doorstep, pressing the doorbell over and over again desperately until Bucky opened the door and stared in wonder. 

“Bucky…” Peter threw himself into Bucky’s arms, squishing Rocket between them as he grasped desperately at Bucky’s nightshirt and cried.  “I don’t wanna go home…!” 

Bucky was confused, and as he wrapped his arms around Peter and tried to work out what the hell was going on, he caught sight of Peter’s car, halfway mounted on top of the kerb with the bumper ripped off on one side and dragging against the ground.  The driver’s side was missing most of the paint, clearly side-swiped or having side-swiped something, and Bucky felt sick at knowing just how easily Peter could have killed himself with this stunt. 

“Come inside.” Bucky was as gentle as he could be as he guided Peter into his home.  “I’ll make you breakfast… Sit on the couch, okay?” 

The first thing Bucky did upon entering the kitchen alone was call Steve.  He wasn’t surprised that his call had been answered almost immediately; if Steve had already been awake, he most likely was beside himself with worry.  “Stevie? Peter showed up on my doorstep this morning…” 

Steve sounded as if he had been crying when he responded.  “That little shit… I’ve been so worried, Buck!” 

“He’s fine,” Bucky assured as he opened the fridge to see what he could make for Peter.  “He’s alright. He’s very upset; what happened?” 

“I don’t know!  Bucky, I  _ can’t _ !  I can’t keep doing this!” 

“It’s alright, Steve; he can stay here with me for a while.  Don’t stress yourself.” 

“I’m already in the car looking for him!” When Steve spoke harshly, Bucky knew how stressed his friend was.  “It’s fine; I’ll come and get him, Buck; you don’t have to deal with this.” 

“You don’t either, you know…?”  Bucky dropped the carton of eggs on the counter.  “You don’t… I’ll look after him for you, okay? Just take a break.” 

“Bucky, I  _ can’t _ !  I can’t just dump him there on you!  I’ll be there soon, okay?” With that, Steve ended the call.  

As much as Bucky loved Steve, sometimes Steve was just too stubborn for his own good.  It was too early in the morning for this; if Bucky couldn’t get himself under control, he was going to cry. 

Of course, cry Bucky did when he handed a plate of bacon and eggs to Peter and took a seat on the couch next to him to murmur, “You shouldn’t do these things to Steve…  He loves you, but he… He’s having a hard time already.” 

Peter nibbled absentmindedly at his bacon before he mumbled, “I didn’t wanna upset Steve…  I didn’t wanna wake him and make him worry again…”

“He wouldn’t mind you waking him if you needed him, Peter - but running away?  Peter… You would have  _ terrified  _ him.” 

Peter looked to his lap. “I just didn’t wanna be with Thor again…”

Bucky frowned.  He reached out to brush tiny curls behind Peter’s ear, trying to work out just how long Thor had been home for and why Steve hadn’t told him.  “Aren’t you happy that he’s back?” 

Peter shook his head.  “I thought I would be… Thought everythin’ would go back to how it used to be if Thor ever loved us again and came home…  But I think he hates us more than ever ‘cause he didn’t even say anythin’ to me when he came home… Didn’t even know he was there ‘til Steve told me, and I…  I’m just scared ‘cause I know what he used to do to me was bad, and… And I think I made him and Steve hate each other ‘cause I got sick.” 

“You didn’t make  _ anyone  _ hate each other; their marriage broke down because of  _ Thor _ ,” Bucky assured firmly as the anger quickly mounted in his stomach.  “What do you mean what Thor used to do to you? And why the  _ fuck  _ is he back at your home?!  Has he hurt you?!” 

Peter tensed at the way Bucky’s hands clenched.  He dropped his head and whispered, “Before I met Steve…  And even after. I love him, but… I don’t know if I still do.  I’m…  _ scared  _ of him, really.  I didn’t really know he was hurting me until he started hating us, because Steve makes me feel so safe and loved and makes sure I am always comfortable.  But Thor always pushed me into stuff, and I didn’t know I didn’t like it until Steve was really good to me.” 

Bucky grit his teeth.  “He hurt you? I’m gonna  _ kill  _ him.” 

“Please, don’t,” Peter whimpered.  He grabbed Bucky’s hand and squeezed.  “I don’t want any more fighting! I  _ hate  _ it!” 

Bucky shook his head.  “I’ve put up with all Thor’s shit because Steve asked me too - but I’m  _ sick  _ of it!  Okay?! I’ve spent  _ years  _ watching their relationship go downhill, and Steve  _ never  _ listened to me about  _ any  _ of it!  I’m not gonna sit here and let him get away with hurting  _ you  _ as well!  What did he do to you, Peter?  How did he hurt you? I just have to know so I know how slow and painful I have to make it when I get my hands on Thor.” 

Peter’s body tensed, and he nibbled at his lip as he looked down at his lap.  His hands started shaking again, sitting in silence, until he finally murmured, “I hate Thor ‘cause he made me think that I couldn’t cope without sex…  So whenever I felt unsettled, I… I couldn’t even  _ sleep  _ without suckin’ on Thor ‘cause he taught me that sex was always always a fix-it, a-and the sex helped my anxiety, and I-I just - I - U-umm, I -” 

Bucky thought for sure he was about to tear up at how flustered Peter was becoming at trying to explain himself - and though he knew it wasn’t exactly fair, he couldn’t help but ask quietly, “Did he ever do that kind of thing to Steve…?  ‘Cause if he has, I…!” 

Peter shook his head and wiped at his eyes.  “Just me… Heard Steve say to him one day that Steve hates Thor gettin’ off on hurtin’ me…  He never hurt Steve…” 

Bucky let out a growl.  “Peter, he  _ has  _ hurt Steve!  And I’m fucking  _ sick  _ of everyone overlooking the shit way Thor treats him!  It’s like everyone just  _ accepts  _ Thor’s a shitty fuckin’ partner to my Stevie, and it’s okay because it’s  _ Steve _ !  Even that fucking  _ Stark  _ does it!  It’s like the whole world stops and admires Thor whenever he walks into the room and thinks he can do no goddamn wrong!” 

Peter held his hands over his eyes as he sobbed quietly to himself.  “Don’t yell at me, Bucky; I don’t like people yellin’!” 

“And I don’t like people thinking it’s okay that Thor’s a massive fucking asshole to Steve!  He’s gone through so much shit in his life and it’s like he thinks he’s just not worth it so he  _ stays  _ in that shit!  I  _ hate  _ that he does it, Peter!  I just want him to be  _ happy _ !” 

“I-I try to be a good husband for Steve and make him happy, Bucky!” Peter wailed.  “I’m sorry I only make him sad! I don’t want him to be sad, I swear! I don’t know  _ how  _ to make him happy and I only fuck up if I try!” 

Bucky forced himself to calm down at this.  It wasn’t  _ Peter’s  _ fault that Thor was a colossal bastard; Peter had learnt his lesson and calmed down and he really  _ was  _ trying to get his life together.  Peter had  _ gotten better _ , but Thor…?  

Thor remained the same asshole Bucky had always known him to be, no matter what.  

...Well, not  _ always  _ known him to be, honestly.  Thor  _ had  _ been pretty good at the start of the relationship, but…  Well, Thor’s true colours hadn’t taken long to come out, and Bucky had known it was too late for Steve to want to back out. 

But whatever rabbit hole Bucky had been about to fall into, he was dragged out of it by the doorbell ringing.  “Stay here, Petey.” 

Peter nodded.  He looked down at his lap, keeping quiet as he heard Bucky answer the door, and Steve’s panicked voice floating through the air. He braced himself for Steve’s arrival, for the yelling and the scolding he knew was inevitable - but to his relief, Bucky dragged Steve through the living room and into the kitchen.  

“You are so damn stubborn, you know that?” Bucky’s tone wasn’t light and playful like it usually was with Steve.  Instead, it was heavy with irritation, and the expression on his face only proved his displeasure. “Thor does all this shit to you and you let him back in the goddamned house!” 

“He was homeless, Bucky; I wasn’t going to leave him out there,” Steve argued back, with venom in his own voice.  

“So he can just take advantage of you even more?   _ Abuse  _ you even more?!  Steve, for god’s sake,  _ look after yourself for once _ !” 

“I am a grown man perfectly capable of making my own decisions, and I don’t need you to lecture me like I am an uneducated child!” Steve snapped.  

“You do when you’re on the way to _killing_ yourself!” Bucky roared.  “You put up with all this shit and won’t accept anyone’s help because you’re a stubborn ass and think you have to do it all on your own!  You don’t _deserve_ this crap, Steve!  I’m _sick_ of the shit everyone puts you through!  And I mean _everyone_!  You have shit friends, and your taste in partners is even shittier!” 

“You think I don’t  _ know  _ that already?!” Steve sniffed back tears as he threw his hands above his head.  He lowered his voice to hiss, “You think I haven’t thought about just walking out and never coming back…?  Finding Peter somebody else for him to fall in love with and drag down with him? I love him, Bucky - I really do - but sometimes I can’t  _ deal  _ with him, and I get the temptation to ask you to let him entertain his silly little crush on you so I can have some fucking  _ peace in my life _ , Buck!  And now Thor…  I’m just… I’m done, Buck.  I’m going to take Peter home so I can sit around hating my life and wondering just what the  _ fuck  _ I did wrong in a previous life to have to be so fucking  _ miserable  _ in this one.”

Bucky grabbed the back of Steve’s leather jacket to stop him from leaving.  When Steve spun around to growl at him, he engulfed Steve into a hug so tight, there was a passing thought that he might snap Steve’s spine if he wasn’t careful. 

Bucky pulled back to take Steve by the shoulders and order, “Let me help.  Seriously. Let  _ me  _ tell Thor to fuck off.  I’m sick of seeing you so depressed all the time.” 

Steve couldn’t argue.  Whatever energy he’d had just moments prior was gone, and all he could do was let his shoulders hang in defeat and nod.  “Can you get Peter into the car…? I just want a few minutes alone.” 

Bucky didn’t know how to respond, so he did as he was asked, leaving Steve by himself to shed his tears in private. 

* * *

 

Peter had sensed the heavy tension between everyone during the drive home, so he’d sat silently in the backseat with his head down and his shoulders tucked as he fussed with Rocket’s collar obsessively.  He wanted to speak, to say something and break the awful silence that was engulfing him - but every time he tried, his mouth went dry and his throat tightened up. 

Getting home didn’t help anything; not when Bucky and Steve were standing by the car arguing, and Peter was almost too nervous to get out and try to step past them without being noticed.  

Peter found the courage to open his door and climb out of the car with his head still ducked once the argument seemed to cool a little, but whatever plans he had to go inside were halted by the sound of a second vehicle driving through the dirt and stones that made up the driveway.  

“Steve…?” Peter instinctively reached out for his husband’s sleeve.  Too much had been happening lately for him to be able to take an unexpected visit, especially from a car he didn’t recognise - but, as he had to remind himself, maybe he  _ could  _ recognise it, but his stupid eyes were making it too hard for him to see past the blur properly.   

Steve took Peter’s hand and squeezed it.  “It’s alright, Peter.” 

Peter stayed, frozen to the spot as the vehicle stopped behind Steve’s Lexus.  He stared at his feet, hugging Rocket tight with one arm as he tried to stop his heart from racing.  “...” 

“Can we help you.” Bucky, who had never been one to take shit from anybody, was too uncaring at that moment to bother being polite to the man who had just stepped out of the car to face them. 

“Hi, yeah.” The stranger took a few steps away from the side of his car, but he stopped when Bucky’s hand moved to his hip to grasp an object hidden beneath his jacket.  “Could I go inside and use your phone, please? My girl’s car broke down a little down the road, and I need to call someone to come tow it ‘cause I can’t fix it.” 

“Stand right there and use my cell,” Bucky growled.

“Bucky…” Steve put his hand out towards Bucky, hoping it would calm his friend.  He gave a heavy sigh before he reached into his pocket to withdraw his phone. “Here.” 

“Oh…  Well, it’s pretty cold out here; think I can stand in the entrance hall while I make the call?” 

Steve’s eyes narrowed at the bad feeling swirling in his stomach.  He put his phone back into his pocket and gestured to Peter. “Peter’s a mechanic; I’m sure he can take a look for you.”

The mood changed abruptly as the man growled, “I’m not going to ask you again…” 

The man was quick to withdraw a handgun, but Bucky’s reflexes were faster, and before Steve could blink, they each had their guns pointed at the other.  Bucky nodded his head to the car. “Get back in your car and leave and we’ll forget this ever happened.” 

“You talk big for someone who probably can’t pull the trigger fast enough,” the stranger taunted.

“Sergeant James Barnes; honorably discharged after five years of service, and not afraid to shoot first,” Bucky warned.  

Steve stayed quiet as he kept Peter’s hand in his own.  He wanted to back Peter into the house and get him to safety, but he couldn’t leave Bucky; if this went sour and Bucky needed help, he had to be there to help.  He had a faint hope that Thor would come out and help - but he had to remember, Thor cared about no one but himself, so that was unlikely. 

And maybe the situation  _ could  _ have been resolved peacefully without Thor’s intervention.  Bucky  _ was  _ intimidating when he needed to be, and all of his bulk was nothing to laugh at.  Hell, Steve could see the nervousness hidden well in the stranger’s features that became more and more obvious as he faltered beneath Bucky’s unending alertness.  

But, as Steve found out when Peter was ripped away from him and thrown against the car, this man wasn’t alone, and while they’d all been so focused on the stand-off, an accomplice had snuck out of the car and came up behind them.  

The air echoed with a deafening roar as the first shot was fired, and Steve, who didn’t know where the  _ fuck  _ he was supposed to be looking, had no idea who had pulled the trigger.  The trauma flooded back in Steve as ripples of the past repeated inside his mind, but as much as it got his adrenaline pumping, now was no time to succumb to his haunting; the second attacker had smacked Peter in the face so hard with his own pistol, Peter’s face was covered in blood as he tried his best to fight off his assaulter in his state. 

“Get off him!” Steve freed Peter from the attack, headlocking the man to keep him subdued while Peter crawled away to safety.  His ears rang as another gunshot roared, but Steve didn’t have time to look; his reactions were slowed from the trauma he battled so hard against, and he didn’t notice in time the way the man he had hold of reached into his pocket to slash out with a knife. 

Steve yelped as he felt his achilles tendon open.  He felt anger and loathing deep in his stomach, but despite the pain, it only urged him on to fight back rather than restrain.  He managed to handle himself even with the disadvantage. He’d knocked the man out cold with a few well-placed blows, and turning his attention to the scuffle he could hear further away, he found Bucky, unmoving and face-down in the dirt as blood pooled around him, and Peter, flailing wildly as he managed to wrestle the gun from their attacker’s grasp.  

Before Steve could even work out what to do next, something rushed past him and, with a well-aimed kick to the man’s jaw, sent him flying five feet through the air.  

Steve focused on himself now.  He was aware of Peter running past him, away from the fight now that Thor had joined in, but Steve didn’t even think to see what Peter was doing.  He tried not to think about Bucky, and what this meant for his friend. 

Most of all, Steve took the time to prepare himself to be the  _ least  _ of Thor’s concerns once Thor had finished with the stranger.  

To Steve’s utmost surprise, he was the first one to receive Thor’s attention. 

“Steven…!” Thor was chewing at his lip as he assessed the damage.  Steve wasn’t sure his husband’s hands had ever been so gentle on his body more than they were now as he carefully checked over Steve’s foot to see the extent of the damage.  His arms scooped Steve up to take him to the car and seat him inside. “Do not worry, Steven; everything is going to be okay…!” 

Steve grunted loudly at the pain.  He grit his teeth and forced out, “Don’t worry about me; Bucky’s hurt…” 

Thor disappeared briefly, before he returned to lay Bucky down along the backseat.  He collected Peter next, and with that, Thor got into the driver’s seat and sped off.

* * *

 

Maybe it was from all of the blood that Steve had bled out against the dashboard of his car, but he was confused as to why they’d stopped at the veterinary clinic.  It made more sense when Thor got out of the car and pulled Peter out as well, because then Steve was able to see Rocket’s bushy tail hanging between them, as well as a large patch of blood staining Peter’s shirt around his ribcage.  

Peter was hysterical.  He’d been like it the entire drive, but Steve had just assumed what had happened had been too much for him to handle.  But now, Steve understood, and he couldn’t help but feel the familiar resentment as he thought about Thor prioritising Peter yet again while he and Bucky were fucking  _ bleeding to death _ .  

But Thor surprised Steve yet again when he ordered, “Peter, take Rocket inside and give him to the workers so I can take Steven and James to the hospital.” 

Peter’s hysteria only grew at that.  “No! No! Come with me! I’m scared!” 

“I know you are, but Steven is more important!” There was an impatience in Thor’s tone Steve wasn’t familiar with hearing - especially directed towards Peter.  “Now take Rocket inside so they can help him!” 

“Not alone, Thor!  Not alone! H-help!” 

“Peter!” Thor grabbed Peter by the shoulders and squeezed tightly.  His eyebrows were furrowed, and the expression on his face had never been more serious.  His tone softened slightly now. “Peter, I know you are scared. I know you do not want to lose Rocket.  But Steven and James need a hospital, and I need to get them there. You know I would come with you any other time, but you have to learn that Steven and I cannot always be there to help you, and sometimes you need to be brave on your own.” 

“Thor, I can’t!” Peter wailed.  “I can’t lose him! He’s all I got, Thor!”  

“I know, Peter, but I cannot lose you or Steven - so please, be brave!  I  _ know  _ you can do this, Peter!  I believe in you. Now  _ go _ !” 

Peter’s hysteria didn’t cease as he turned around and stumbled towards the door.  He trembled violently, his already-blurry vision even more blurred as he tried his hardest to see through his oceans of tears.  He couldn’t remember even doing it, but somehow, he found he’d gotten through the door and was standing in the lobby as people rushed around him, speaking to him but unable to hear them.  

His breathing harshened until he fell into a panic attack, his vision darkening until his world went black and he collapsed in a heap to the cold tile floor. 

* * *

 

Thor  _ hated  _ that he had to stop at the vet’s on the way to the hospital.  He knew that every second counted here, and the closer he got to the hospital, the more he hated realising he should have called for an ambulance.  He’d been so scared, so horrified at the idea of losing his loved ones that he hadn’t been able to think clearly, and at the time, he’d done what he thought was the best thing for them.  

But, as Thor carried Bucky through the hospital doors with Steve leaning heavily against him to limp his way inside, he couldn’t stop crying.  Thor had done so much wrong, and he hadn’t even been able to try and express himself to Steve because he’d been so  _ cowardly  _ that it was easier for him to stay silent and hope Steve could read him through it all. 

But Thor had been so fucking stupid, and all he had done was cause more pain. 

“Thor, you can leave now, thank you.” Steve’s tone was cold, but Thor took no offense to it; he deserved it, after all. 

“I cannot, Steven,” Thor said calmly.  His fingers twitched with the desperate need to take Steve’s hand and hold it, but he knew not to; after everything that had happened between them, he would be a fool to think that Steve would still want him.  “I have been the worst partner in the world, and though you may hate me - rightfully so - please just allow me at least this. To ensure that you will be okay at the very least, because I understand if you do not want me around any longer.  I love you, Steven, but I understand the feeling may no longer be mutual.” 

If they weren’t sitting in the waiting room, Steve having refused emergency treatment in favour of Bucky being taken care of, Steve would have had nothing but nastiness for Thor.  

But, as it stood, people were watching them curiously, and all Steve could spit bitterly was, “I’m sure  _ Peter  _ needs you, Thor…  I’m surprised you’re here with me and not with  _ him _ .” 

“Peter is a grown man perfectly capable of taking care of himself,” Thor murmured.  

Steve snorted.  “Wouldn’t think so with how  _ you  _ always treated him…” 

“I treated you both so terribly and if you would give me the opportunity to do so, I would like to make up for my mistakes.” 

“I gave you that chance, Thor…  When I  _ married  _ you.  You got worse.  I’m _ tired  _ of you always letting me down…” 

Thor bowed his head.  “And I understand… Truly, I do, Steven…  I do not expect for you to ever forgive me for my wrongdoings…  But if we are to part, I wish to part on friendly terms.” 

“So you can weasel your way back into my life a few years later?  Just fuck off, Thor…” 

Thor sighed.  He took a deep breath, hesitant to say it, but he knew he had to come out with it or it would eat him alive.  “I lost all our rings in the fire, Steven. I lost everything. But… If I am to be honest… I am  _ glad  _ that house is gone.  I started hating it more and more and by the time  _ I  _ forced us to live there, I  _ resented  _ it.  By the time it was too late, I…  I loathed that house with everything I had because I was a fool and I could not stop, even though I knew it was tearing us apart.” 

“Yeah, well…  You can only blame yourself for that one, Thor…  I  _ told  _ you to stop and you wouldn’t listen.” 

“I know…  I know, Steven.  I lost all our money and I blamed you at every turn because I could not stand  _ myself  _ and what I was doing.  ...I blamed you for so many things that  _ I  _ did wrong, and from the very bottom of my heart, I could never apologise enough, Steven…  I have hurt you so much and I feel that there is nothing I could ever do to make it up to you…  But if you wish to divorce me, it would break my heart for there to still be conflict between us while you do so.” 

Steve was silent.  He stared down at the bandage wrapped around his ankle, gritting his teeth.  Finally, after a few moments of careful deliberation, he growled, “You didn’t even care enough to let me know you were out of hospital.   _ Tony  _ had to tell me - and he told me you  were  _ avoiding  _ me.  What part of that is  _ love,  _ Thor?” 

“Steven…  The things that are wrong with me…  I cannot fix overnight. I cannot  _ change  _ overnight.  But I swear to you…  That me hiding away the way I did was so I could  _ fix me _ .  I didn’t want to face you or Peter again until I felt that I was doing better - that I wouldn’t  _ hurt  _ you anymore.  And I’m sorry if in doing so only caused you more pain, but truly, I never thought we would meet again under these circumstances.” 

“You wouldn’t even  _ talk  _ to me in the car, Thor!” Steve wiped hastily at his eyes, not sure if he was crying from loneliness, anger, pain, or a mixture of all three.  “No matter what I said or did, you sat there glaring out of the window like it was a  _ burden  _ being near me!” 

“I truly knew not how to speak with you.” A single tear of his own rolled down Thor’s cheek.  “I always imagined we would meet again under better circumstances. I was afraid to hurt you again, Steven, because the pain I was enduring then…  I was afraid to talk to you because I was afraid I would just be my old self again. I just needed some time to myself to think and to  _ cope _ , Steven.” 

“...” 

“My sister’s boyfriend burnt my home down.  And I did  _ nothing  _ to him, even though he was standing right there…” Thor’s tears came harder at the thought.  “But today… After I saw what that man did to you… I think I may have killed him, Steven. If that does not show you how precious to me you are, I - No…  I am so sorry; one action cannot undo a thousand mistakes…” 

Still, Steve was silent. 

Thor tried again.  “When I spoke to Stark…  I  _ begged  _ him not to call you.  When he called me back to tell me he spoke with you, I yelled at him.  I  _ cried _ .  Because the thought of you seeing me like that was unbearable.  I had hoped that the next time we met, I would be someone you could be proud of.  ...But Stark… told me he  _ was  _ proud of me - of how far I have come in fixing myself.  And he knew how cruel of him it was to do what he did, but…  He hoped you would be proud of me, too, when you saw how much better I was…  And I am sorry… But I messed that up, too… It should not have come to this for me to show that I care…  But I was such a horrible partner that I am afraid it  _ has  _ had to come to this, and for that…  You are truly right in hating me...” 

Thor was crying now.  Steve didn’t have the energy required to deal with it.  “Thor… Please. Take my car. Go get Peter.  _ Go home _ .” 

Thor could see the exhaustion on Steve’s face, and all he could do was give a stiff nod.  He stood. “May I come back to see you tonight?” 

Steve didn’t reply for so long, Thor let out a heavy sigh and turned around to leave.  But finally, he responded. “No. I need a break from you. ...From…”

Thor flinched at the way Steve’s uncertain tone cracked and drifted off.  “...”

Steve licked his lips and tried again.  “...From P-peter… You can... look after him for once… And I am going to focus on  _ myself.   _ I’m going to stay with Buck.  I need to find myself, Thor… I don’t  _ deserve  _ the shit you’ve made me suffer through.” 

All Thor could do to respond was give a stiff nod and wipe his tears away. 

* * *

 

Thor hadn’t had a good feeling when he pulled his car into the parking lot of the veterinary clinic and found police vehicles and ambulances outside.  His heart raced as he turned the car off and rushed inside, his first thought that something had happened during his absence. 

But when Thor got inside and found Peter, sitting on a chair in the reception with Rocket in his arms as he cried a river, his heart sunk even lower to realise that whatever horrible scenario he had pictured was nothing compared to the reality. 

“Peter…” Thor moved past two police officers and a paramedic to kneel next to Peter and take his hand.  “Peter, I’m so sorry…” 

“Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step back.” An officer came closer, one hand on his gun holster and the other out in front of him.  

It was all of the blood they both were covered in, Thor realised.  Thor must have been absolutely soaked in it from carrying Bucky in and out of the car, and Peter wasn’t much better.  There were clear trails down his cheeks from all of his crying, but his face was covered in blood from a nose that looked broken, and his clothing was almost as red as Thor’s.  

Thor closed his eyes.  “He is my husband; we were attacked earlier today.  I have already spoken to the police; I sent them to my home as I drove to the hospital.” 

“What’s the address to verify this?” 

Thor gave his address, and as he waited for the police to come back, he looked at Rocket.  Rocket’s fur was matted with blood and dirt. He wasn’t moving; his glassy eyes open and staring unseeingly at the wall opposite them.  He looked painfully stiff, as if he had been defrosted from an ice block after a few millennias. 

Thor reached out to turn Rocket to the side to see what had caused the injury, but Peter whimpered and snatched Rocket into an ever tighter grip.  One of the vet assistants spoke up at this. “He won’t let us take it from him…” 

Thor sighed.  He turned back to Peter, and as gently as he could, he murmured, “I will help you bury him in the backyard, Peter.  Beneath his favourite tree.” 

Peter choked on his tears as he finally looked at Thor and whispered, “But I just wanna hold him, Thor…  I don’t want him to go…” 

“I know, Peter…” Thor rubbed at his itching eyes.  “But he’s  _ gone _ …” 

“I never got to say goodbye to anyone…  Not my mom, or Yondu… I just wanna be with him…” 

Thor had underestimated just what exactly Peter had meant by those words, because when he had gotten Peter home and dug a grave for Rocket, he’d waited for hours for Peter to be ready to finally lower him down and put the dirt over him.  Thor had helped him plant his flowers on top, but no matter what he’d said or done, Peter hadn’t left Rocket’s side, not even when night had fallen and the wind turned chilly. 

But, as Thor had to remember, Peter had never been able to grieve any of his prior losses.  He’d never had the chance. Here and now… Peter was probably mourning for more than just his pet raccoon.  


	18. Chapter 18

Steve let out a content sigh as he shifted his weight on the couch to make himself more comfortable.  He grimaced slightly at a twinge of pain in his foot, but it wasn’t too bothersome with the heavy painkillers he’d been taking; just a bit of annoyance, but nothing he couldn’t handle. 

The house was silent, a welcomed joy to Steve since he didn’t have to worry about running after anyone for once; Bucky was in his room, resting from his own injuries, and Steve was free to do absolutely anything he wanted to without the concern of dropping it midway to tend to another person’s needs.  

It was probably testimony to just how accustomed Steve was to chasing after everybody that now that he had his own life to worry about, he truly didn’t know what to do with himself.  

“Hey, Buck?” When no response came to Steve’s call, Steve frowned.  He looked at his crutches to his left and considered getting up to be with Bucky; as much as he valued his alone time, he’d become too used to Peter never leaving him alone, and suddenly, the freedom was almost overwhelming.  

But Steve wasn’t a selfish person, and Bucky was probably sorer than he himself was, having been shot in the chest.  Steve sighed, and almost regretfully, he leaned to the side to take the TV remote and try to find something decent to watch.

TV was boring to watch by himself, and there was nothing else in reach for Steve to get to entertain himself with, so he allowed himself to succumb to the drowsiness his painkillers always left with him with in hopes that when he’d wake, he’d feel better mentally. 

Steve didn’t sleep for long before he was startled awake by a shout from Bucky’s bedroom.  He rubbed the sleep from his eyes as he reached for his crutches so he could limp his way through the hall and knock on Bucky’s bedroom door.  “Hey, Buck? Are you awake?” 

There were disgruntled words muttered before Bucky’s footsteps sounded and the door opened.  Steve frowned, hating the way his friend’s eyes were so wide and on edge. “Did I wake you, Steve…?” 

Steve shook his head.  He gestured to the bed and murmured, “May I come in…?” 

Bucky stepped back to allow Steve entrance.  He was silent as he followed Steve to the bed, and when he sat down as well, it was a noticeable distance from his friend as he kept his head bowed.  Steve knew Bucky well enough to know what was going on. “Bucky… Have you been taking your medication?” 

Bucky’s shoulders were tucked tightly together as his fingers dug into his pants legs nervously.  He hesitated before he shook his head and mumbled, “Was doin’ better, Steve…” 

“Bucky…  If it’s an episode because of what happened -” 

“- I’m not  _ crazy,  _ Steve!” Bucky exasperated.  “I’m  _ not _ !”  

Steve sighed.  He wrapped his arms around Bucky and pulled him down onto the mattress so that he could spoon him.  He held him close, running his fingers through the long strands as he murmured, “I believe you, Buck.  I know you’re not crazy. I believe you. But you should keep taking your medication.” 

Steve felt the way Bucky’s body tensed further at the suggestion.  “I  _ hate  _ the medication, Steve!  It makes me feel like I  _ am  _ psycho!” 

“You’re not psycho, Buck; you’re  _ sick _ ,” Steve reassured.  “Like Peter is, with his depression.  Peter hates his medication, too, but he still takes them because he knows how bad he’ll feel if he stops taking them.” 

A single tear rolled down Bucky’s cheek.  He couldn’t look at Steve, but he leant back into the embrace and mumbled, “Don’t want to keep talking about it, Steve; I feel like shit…” 

Silence fell between the two now, each lost in their own thoughts.  Steve had almost thought Bucky had fallen asleep again until he mumbled something.

“Sorry, Buck?  What did you say?” 

“Said, what are you doing about Thor…?” Most of the tension had left Bucky’s body and voice now, and Steve recognised the tired slur Bucky spoke with instead.  

Steve sighed.  “I don’t know. I’ve thought about it.  I’m thinking… That maybe I’ll listen to Tony.” 

“Stark?  He’s as fucking bad as Thor is…” Regardless of the arriving agitation, Bucky still snuggled in closer against Steve’s chest.  

“Yeah…  But you can trust what Bruce tells you, at least,” Steve defended.  

Bucky gave a bitter snort.  “Doubt it…” 

Steve brushed hair out of Bucky’s eyes.  “Buck, Banner’s a little… unstable at times, but I trust him.”

“You trust him telling you to jump back into an abusive relationship, Stevie?”  The tension was back in Bucky’s body, and Steve knew he had to clarify his explanation.

“No.  Bruce said nothing about that, Buck.  I promise. I don’t… I hate being on bad terms with people.  There’s been too much shit in my life, and Bucky… I know you won’t understand it, but for my own mental health, I need a clean break.  If I had to sit and think all day every day that I hurt him… I can’t cope with that, Buck. I need to do things cleanly.” 

Bucky was silent for a few moments.  “...So what was it that Banner said, anyway…?” 

“That Thor has been doing amazing, and he’s almost like a different person.” Steve pressed his forehead against the back of Bucky’s head.  “I trust Bruce on this one, Buck. If it’s indeed true, then… I need things to be clean between us. I can’t just let him go through all that work to get better, just to ignore it all and make him feel like it wasn’t worth it in the end.  I don’t want him going backwards again. If he’s really helped himself, then… Then I support him in that.” 

“Stevie…  Sometimes I really hate that you’re  _ too  _ good of a person.” Finally, Bucky rolled over to face Steve.  “I just want to see you take care of yourself for once and fuck off the people who hurt you in your life.” 

“But I don’t like hurting people, Buck; that’s why I have you to do it for me.” The amused grin on Steve’s face brought a chuckle out of Bucky. 

“What am I gonna do with a little punk like you, anyway?” Bucky did his best to ignore the voices floating around him and instead focus on Steve.  Steve had always been his rock in moments like these, and sometimes Bucky was sure that it the only reason he hadn’t ended it all after he had left the army and the voices had started was because he had Steve to help keep him as sane as he could be for someone like him.

“Keep me around so  _ someone  _ listens to you complain about all your failed dates,” Steve teased back.  

“That’s true.  And you also clean my house so that’s a bonus.” 

Steve snorted.  He held Bucky closer, feeling just a tad lighter now.  But of course, with everything that had happened, it didn’t last for as long as Steve would have liked it to. 

* * *

 

Thor worried about Steve every day that had passed in the last week.  He hadn’t seen Steve since their talk in the hospital waiting room, but regardless, Thor texted Bucky three times every day to ask how Steve was doing.  Sometimes he got a reply, and sometimes he didn’t, but Thor understood; he’d messed up so much, and he deserved it. 

Thor also worried about Peter.  Like now, as he stood by the sliding glass doors in the dining room so he could watch Peter sit by Rocket’s grave, despite the heavy rain that was falling.  He gave a sigh, and after a short journey to fetch an umbrella, Thor went outside to join Peter.

“I brought you something, Peter.” Thor held the umbrella over Peter’s head to keep the rain off him.  

Peter sniffed.  Weakly, without even a hint of fight in his tone, he mumbled, “I know what you’re going to say, so please don’t say it…” 

“Hmm?” 

Peter sighed.  “You’re gonna make me come inside and  get out of the rain, but I don’t wanna, Thor…  Please don’t say it…” 

“Peter…” Thor knelt beside Peter in the wet grass.  He put his hand on Peter’s shoulder, but he quickly removed it when Peter cringed and pulled away from the touch.  “I would  _ like  _ for you to come inside, yes…  But you are old enough to make your own decisions, Peter…  If you want to stay out here, you can. It is why I brought you the umbrella.” 

Peter sniffed again.  Thor wasn’t sure if the water dribbling down his cheeks was from the rain or tears.  Reluctantly, he accepted the umbrella, but the weakness he felt was more than just mental and emotional, because he’d only held it for a few seconds before the wind removed it from his grasp and blew it away.  More water rolled down his cheeks, and Thor knew he  _ was  _ crying.  

“Do not worry about the umbrella, Peter.  It can be replaced.” Thor hoped Peter wasn’t crying because he feared a reaction from Thor.  

They sat in silence for a few minutes more before Thor looked at his wristwatch and sighed.  He wanted so badly to reach out and hold Peter tight, but Peter hadn’t been letting Thor touch him at all lately.  “Peter, I am going back inside… If you need anything, I will be downstairs.” 

Peter didn’t so much as acknowledge that he’d heard Thor; he just continued staring at Rocket’s grave, as if he truly believed he could bring his raccoon back if he stared long enough.  

Thor returned to the house, and after going upstairs to get a towel and dry himself off, he went to sit down on the couch and pull his phone from his pocket.  He opened his photos and went as far back as he possibly could to the start of his camera roll, back before Peter had come into the picture. Their photos together were almost enough to make him cry as he realised Steve hadn’t smiled so brightly with him ever since he found Peter. 

Steve’s smile in those old photos were truly something to die for.  The way his eyes crinkled at the weight of his smile, how his beard gave him such a gentle appearance as he kept his arms wrapped tightly around Thor…  

And Thor had single handedly ruined that smile - perhaps forever.  

The photos didn’t lie.  Steve’s smile steadily disappeared with every photo he looked at, and more wrinkles appeared on his face instead.  His eyes didn’t sparkle with a love of life anymore. And the worst part? The further up Thor went through his camera roll, the less photos of Steve he found, and more of Peter replaced them.  Hell, even Rocket seemed to have made a home inside his camera roll.

That was what the therapist at the hospital had told him about, Thor understood.  Thor’s obsession with Peter had taken over his life, and Thor hadn’t even realised.  Steve would have… But every time Steve had voiced his concerns and his dislike, Thor had brushed him off and forced his own way. 

Thor could never make this up to Steve.   _ Never _ .  

Thor battled against the tears that threatened to spill.  He wanted so badly to call Steve, to tell him how truly sorry he was for everything he had ever done and  _ swear  _ that he was getting better this time. 

But Thor had to remember…  Something he had learned in therapy was that Steve didn’t  _ want  _ to feel drowned by Thor’s self-loathing.  If anything, all it would do was push Steve away further.  

Thor snapped out of his thoughts when he heard the dining room door slide open.  He wiped hastily at his eyes and listened to Peter’s unsteady footsteps dragging along the floor until finally, Peter had appeared in the living room and dropped himself down onto the couch opposite Thor.  

They said nothing.  Nothing at all as Thor simply sat where he was, and Peter let out soft snivels as the last of his tears shed.  

Peter was the one to break the silence.  “Why you’re lookin’ at Steve? Thought you hated us…” 

Thor shook his head.  “I do not, Peter. Truly, I do not.  I love  _ both  _ of you - but I could never show it…” 

They fell silent again.  Thor only just now noticed the raccoon teddy in Peter’s arms.  “Where did you get your toy from, Peter? He is cute.” 

“Steve gave ‘im to me…” Peter hugged his teddy tighter, as if he feared Thor would try to take it from him.  “When I was sick. ‘Cause he knew I didn’t… wanna be away from Rocket…” 

Thor wiped at his eyes again.  He bowed his head for a few moments before he whispered, “May I ask you something, Peter?” 

Peter shrugged.  “...” 

Thor went straight for it.  “How do you… love Steven and I and  _ not…   _ Not do what I do?” 

Peter frowned.  His hands fumbled with his teddy’s bushy tail before he murmured, “I just…  _ do _ .  I dunno.  I never thought ‘bout it; just…  I just… I dunno…” 

It was Thor’s turn to frown.  “Peter… Would you like for me to leave?  I understand if you do not want me here. I was horrible to you while you were sick; I must have made you feel so unloved…  If you do not want me here, I… I can find somewhere else to stay. I do not mind.” 

“Thor…  I’m  _ tired,  _ man…” Peter looked as drained as he felt, and Thor wondered if perhaps it was a bad time to talk about this.  “I just wanna d-di… I just wanna sleep. I miss Rocket and I miss Steve and I just…”

“I am sorry, Peter; I was insensitive to you.” 

Peter shook his head.  “I don’t hate you… But I…  I think I’m actually kinda… Kinda  _ scared  _ of you…  Bein’ with Steve, I…  I realised how unsettled in my life I was before - how fucked up it all was between us.  I just - I didn’t know. I  _ couldn’t  _ know.  I didn’t know any better, Thor…  I didn’t know the things you did to me was wrong, or that I didn’t like it - I just…  I didn’t  _ know any better,  _ Thor!  And now that I do, I don’t wanna go back to that!” 

Thor backed away when Peter’s breathing became harsh, and his words were almost yelped as Peter fell into a panic attack.“Peter, I am sorry!  So,  _ so  _ sorry!  I understand I hurt you…  And I am so sorry for it. I realise now I was terrible to you, and I hate what I have done to you, too, Peter.  I will never hurt you like that again - I promise.” 

“But you  _ will _ ,” Peter whispered, wide-eyed as he curled in on himself.  “‘Cause you only care ‘bout sex and not Steve or I…” 

Thor sighed.  He knew there was probably nothing he could say to soothe Peter, because hell, it  _ had  _ been true!  “...” 

Once more, the silence fell, and this time it lasted until Peter’s soft snores filled the air instead.  Thor got up and carried Peter to the bedroom, laying him down in the bed and tucking him in tight before he went back downstairs, trying to work out just what he could do to try and repair the damage he’d caused.

But just when Thor was starting to think it was hopeless, his phone vibrated, and Bucky’s name was on his screen.  There was only one person it would be, however. 

Thor almost cried as he answered the call.  “S-steven…” 

“How is Peter…?” Steve sounded so uncomfortable, but Thor couldn’t blame him; all Thor had ever done was make Steve feel like shit, and Thor couldn’t understand how Steve could still speak to him at all. 

Thor took a deep breath.  “He is… mourning, Steven. I am making sure he still takes his medicine and bringing him food, but he has not been eating or drinking and he just wants to sit with Rocket.” 

“Mourning…?” Steve’s voice was so small now, and Thor realised Steve had no idea what had happened.  

Thor rubbed at his eyes.  “Rocket did not make it. I have buried him in the backyard and Peter lays down with him most of the time.  ...I believe he is mourning more than just Rocket…”

Steve sighed.  “Thor… What you said at the hospital…  I don’t want to keep fighting with you. I’m tired.  But I can’t… I can’t just move on. I won’t fight with you if you don’t fight with me.  I will talk with you; I will give you the benefit of the doubt that you were telling me the truth.  But for the time being, I can’t leave Buck. I need time to myself, and Buck needs me; his sickness came back again today and he needs someone with him.  Tell Peter I love him, and that I’m sorry about Rocket, and if he wants to talk to me, to call Bucky’s phone.” 

“Steven…”  Thor closed his eyes and let out a sigh.  “Are you okay?” 

Steve was silent for so long, Thor knew he was surprised.  “...I’m sorry…?”

“Are you okay?  Are you coping with everything?  And your injury… Is there anything for you I can do?”

Steve couldn’t hide the sob that escaped him, and it broke Thor’s heart.  “Thor… I’m worn down, physically and emotionally… I’m coping as best I can, okay?  I just… I’m trying to come to terms with everything that has happened.” 

“They were robbers.” Thor’s hands clenched at the thought of it.  “When I spoke to the police, they said they’d been robbing homes around the area…  They said that the three of you probably looked like easy targets. Please take care of yourself, Steven.  If you need anything, please let me know. I love -“

“...”

“...I wish for you to get well again soon, Steven…  And send James my condolences, too; he was always a great friend to you.”  With that, Thor ended the call and put his phone back into his pocket. 

Thor didn’t know what to do.  He kept himself busy with cleaning the house as spotless as he could get it in hopes that Steve would come home again soon, and once he was satisfied with his efforts, he set about preparing dinner for he and Peter.  

Thor’s phone buzzed again not long after he had finished cooking dinner and covered Peter’s plate for when he woke up.  He grabbed his phone and opened the message, feeling his stomach flip at Bucky’s ID on his screen. 

It was a photo message, accompanied by a simple,  _ Steve wants to show Peter _ . 

Thor looked at the photo, and he felt his heart warm at the bright smile on Steve’s face as Bucky’s cat snuggled in close against his chest, fast asleep. 

_ I will show him when he wakes up,  _ Thor replied back.  And with that, he saved the image onto his phone, his eyes drawn to the happy smile his husband donned. 

Thor knew then that he wanted to make Steve smile like that again, and however he could, he would at least try.  He just wished that Steve were there with him to see the complete lack of jealousy at someone else making Steve smile, because even Thor felt a little proud of himself. 


	19. Chapter 19

“Peter, I am going into town.” Thor poked his head into what had once also been his bedroom but now was somewhere he dared not venture.  “I found Steven’s phone, so call me if you need anything.” 

Peter was hiding under the blankets of the bed, just as he tended to do these days.  Thor could smell the almost overpowering smell of marijuana, but he didn’t care; he’d been smoking it himself lately to help him relax when his thoughts started to rage out of control.  Peter, however, barely moved, and Thor wondered if he was asleep or just hadn’t heard him. 

“Peter?” Thor stepped into the room so he could move to the bed and pull the blankets back.  Peter was peering up at him, eyes red and pupils dilated as he gave a deep frown. Thor forced himself to not ask him if he was okay, and instead he said, “Did you hear me, Peter?” 

It took a few moments, but eventually, Peter gave a stiff nod.  He clutched his raccoon teddy tighter as he licked his lips and mumbled, “I wanna come…” 

Thor was surprised.  Peter had been avoiding him, so to want to come into town…  

Thor wanted so badly to reach out and stroke Peter’s head and ask if he was sure, but instead, he murmured, “Of course, but try and shower first and get the smell off you; the police will stop us otherwise.” 

Thor didn’t have the heart to admit to Peter that it wasn’t really the smell of weed that bothered him, but rather the fact that he was sure Peter hadn’t so much as been near the bathroom for almost two weeks now judging by the smell that seemed to be a constant companion to him lately.  Thor had wanted so badly to ask him to shower, unable to bear watching him waste away in the bed, but he didn’t want Peter to feel that Thor was trying to be overbearing or boss him around. He was still learning, and Peter was still grieving, and Thor toed the line  _ very  _ carefully.  

Peter’s face scrunched up.  It almost looked as if he were in pain, but the agitated groan he gave was one only too familiar to Thor, and he couldn’t deny that it hurt to realise this was surely how Steve had felt every time Peter acted up for him.  

But, as quickly as the fit had begun, Peter’s body loosened again, and he sprawled out on the bed lazily as he mumbled, “Fuck it…  I’m too tired for that shit, Thor… I’m bein’ stupid…” 

Thor’s mouth opened, to ask if Peter meant he was too tired to shower, but he kept silent when Peter slowly rolled himself out of bed and dragged his heavy feet into the bathroom.  He closed the door behind him, locking Thor out, but Thor relaxed when he heard the shower taps turn on. 

Thor moved to the dresser and pulled clean clothing out to lay on the bed for Peter before he left to go downstairs and wait.  He didn’t wait long at all before his name was being called, and Thor peered out of the living room door to see Peter waiting by the top of the stairs.

“I am coming, Peter,” Thor called patiently.  He came to Peter’s side, restraining himself from reaching out and holding Peter, and instead keeping his hands out in front of him so he could catch Peter if he were to fall.  “Take your time; go as slowly as you need to.” 

Peter’s hands gripped so tightly to the safety railing, his knuckles were white.  His eyes darted rapidly side-to-side as he tried his best to see the steps, but his racing heart wasn’t making it any easier; not when he remembered the last time he’d tried to navigate the stairs on his own and instead had fallen from the top and crashed into a corner table at the bottom.  

“T-thor…” Peter’s feet didn’t want to move.  He wanted Steve back, who he knew was patient with him when he hesitated with the stairs; he was scared that the longer he took, the more impatient Thor would get until he’d just pick Peter up and carry him down himself. 

But Peter didn’t  _ want  _ to be carried.  At least, not by Thor.  Not when he was nervous of being held  _ too  _ tightly, feeling the way Thor’s nails dug into him in agitation...  

“It is okay, Peter,” Thor reaffirmed.  “You can do this.” 

Peter started trembling now as he felt the pressure to move even more.  His eyes welled with tears, and when he saw Thor move from beside him, he flinched.  Thor’s heart was breaking, but no matter how much he wanted to help Peter down the stairs, he knew he couldn’t; Peter was a grown man and he needed his independence - Thor babying him all the time like he used to benefited nobody.  

“Wait here, Peter.  I will be right back; I promise.” 

Peter’s tears came harder as he realised now that Thor was abandoning him, that whatever tiny bit of trust he’d possibly grown over their few weeks together had vanished, and Peter just drove away everyone in the end, no matter  _ how  _ hard he tried.  He raised a shaking hand to his face, his nails clawing at his skin as he tried so hard to understand what he had done to have this kind of life.  “M-mom…!” 

“Peter, do not cry; I am here to help you.” 

Peter jumped at Thor’s voice from next to him.  He wiped hastily at his eyes, too tired to care if Thor knew he was crying but also wanting his vision to be as clear as possible.  “Thor…” 

Gently, Thor took one of Peter’s hands and put a curtain rod into it.  When he spoke, his tone was so gentle, Peter couldn’t help but feel a tad at ease, even with Thor still holding his hand and guiding it into movement.  “Here. Use this to feel for the steps. When you feel the rod dip, you know you will step too far. Try and guide your foot to stop against the rod, but behind it, so you know you are on a stable surface.  And when your mind gets tripped out and you feel like you are falling, you can lean your weight against the rod and keep steady. Okay? Give it a try. I am right beside you, sweetheart.” 

Peter hesitated, but soon enough, he moved the rod to feel his surroundings.  He took a deep breath as he took the first step, stumbling slightly, but able to steady himself with the rod and Thor grabbing his shoulders lightly.  

Thor beamed proudly.  “There we go. Does it help, Peter?” 

Peter nodded.  “...Y-yeah…” 

“Take your time; I do not mind.” True to his word, Thor remained patient until Peter had descended the final step almost ten minutes later.  Thor smiled brightly, priding Peter on how well he had done, until he noticed faint cuts on Peter’s face. He frowned. “What have you done to your eye, Peter?” 

Peter’s shoulders tensed at the question.  He looked away. His feet shuffled as he mumbled, “I’ve been scratchin’ at it…” 

“Is it paining you, Peter?” 

“No…” Peter swallowed thickly.  “I just - I-it’s the eye I can’t see out of, and I…” 

Thor’s shoulders deflated.  “It must be hard indeed, Peter; I am very sorry you have lost sight.  If you need anything, please ask. I will try to help you as much as I can.” 

“You just did,” Peter pointed out.  As as afterthought, he mumbled, “T-thanks, man…” 

Thor smiled again.  “You are very welcome, Peter.” 

The tension dissipated noticeably at that, and Peter was calm and quiet as he followed Thor out of the house and to Steve’s Lexus.  He seemed almost relaxed as he opened the passenger-side door, but then, despite the haze in his vision, he let out a cry as panic rushed through him. 

“Peter?!” Thor quickly came to Peter’s side to see what had happened.  He looked into the car when Peter’s shaking finger pointed inside it, and he felt sick to realise Peter was so frightened by the blood stains Thor had tried so hard but continuously failed at cleaning out of the car.  “Peter… I am sorry; I was taking the car to be professionally cleaned today…” 

Peter was shaking again, and Thor felt so bad.  But then, another idea came to him, and with yet another promise he would return, he went back inside and returned with some blankets and Peter’s raccoon teddy.  

“Okay…” Thor covered up the blood with the blankets, making sure that not a hint of it could be seen as he helped Peter sit down now that he couldn’t see the stains.  The horrible smell that had quickly accumulated from the warm weather did nothing for Peter’s comfort, Thor could see, but there was nothing he could do about that except make sure all of the windows were down so they weren’t suffocated by the stench.  

Peter was quiet throughout the trip, seemingly lost in his own thoughts.  But finally, he murmured, “I didn’t wanna be home, Thor… Didn’t wanna… Be where all my bad thoughts come from…  Wanted to get out…” 

“Oh, Peter…” Thor reached across to rub the back of Peter’s hand with his fingers.  “You can talk to me about these things. If you need to go out, you can tell me and I would take you for a drive, Peter.  I understand. Really, I do. I get the same way sometimes.” 

Peter sniffed.  He looked out of the window.  “I like Bucky’s house. Bucky’s house makes me feel safe.” 

Thor gave a sad, yet accepting smile as he looked down briefly.  “I understand, Peter.” 

“When I get sad or scared, I wanna be with Bucky ‘cause he makes sure no one hurts me,” Peter admitted.  “...I think it upsets Steve and makes him jealous… But I can’t help it. I really like Bucky. ...I wish Steve took me with him…” 

Thor couldn’t deny the hurt in his heart, but he said nothing about it.  Instead, he murmured, “Steven is having his alone time, Peter; I am sure he will come back when he is ready.” 

Peter gave a wistful sigh.  “I’m a fuck-up…” 

“You are not, Peter; you are…” Thor struggled to find the right words, because he knew now not to call Peter perfect, as much as he liked to think Peter was.  “...You are you, and I love you exactly how you are, okay? You are trying.” 

Peter shook his head.  “I feel like since I got sick I have just been makin’ everyone leave me, Thor…” 

“You were  _ sick,  _ Peter; it is  _ not  _ your fault, and you drove  _ no one  _ away.  I promise.” 

“But…  I just keep hurtin’ Steve, Thor.  I don’t want to… I know I’m being bad, and I try not to be; I try to be  _ good _ …!  But then…  Then I freak out and I just…  I… I do things I know I shouldn’t, Thor…  Like when I went to Bucky’s on my own. I knew not to, but I…  I was startin’ to freak out. I knew I should have woken Steve up, but I just - I was trying to think of him, you know?  I knew he was startin’ to get sick ‘cause he couldn’t sleep well, and it was early, and Steve was sleepin’ in, and I  _ knew  _ he needed the rest.  I just wanted to think about Steve’s feelin’s, but I was freakin’ out, and I fucked up ‘cause I just made his feelin’s worse than if I’d just woken him, and I feel so bad about it…!” 

Thor sighed.  “Peter… We all make mistakes.  It is what my therapist told me; we all make mistakes, but it is whether we learn and grow from them or not that defines us.  You know you made a mistake, Peter. You tried to do the right thing by Steven, but you were not thinking clearly. I feel like you have grown from it, Peter; you are talking to me now about your problems.” 

“But I didn’t have to decide if I should wake you or not…” 

“No…  But you still had to decide if you are comfortable enough with me to tell me what worries you, or if you should keep it to yourself and do something silly again.  I am glad you are talking, Peter; I… I should talk more, also…” 

Peter frowned.  “You never talk to anyone…” 

“Yes.  And it was a terrible thing that I did not.  But I have learnt, and I have already decided this morning that I need Steven’s advice on something to do with my sister, and so I hope he will not mind if I were to go to James’ home and request to speak with him about it.” 

Peter shuddered at the memories the sentence sparked in him.  But still, he tried to be brave. “...Your sister…?” 

Thor nodded.  “Yes. I am afraid that this is something I cannot try and deal with on my own any longer.  I will speak to Steven about it, and hopefully he will be willing to offer me advice; I do not believe there is anyone else who can help me with this.” 

Peter was quiet for so long, Thor had thought he’d dropped the subject.  Eventually, he mumbled, “Can I help with it…?” 

“Peter…”  Thor took Peter’s hand in his and  _ squeezed _ .  He shook his head gently.  “I am afraid not this time; I would… like to hear what Steven thinks I should do before I tell anyone else about it.  Do you understand?” 

Peter gave a reluctant nod.  “‘Kay… Can I come with to see Steve and Bucky?” 

Thor chewed at his cheek.  The last thing he wanted was for Peter to overhear the conversation if Steve so chose to speak with him.  “You would not rather to see Gamora and Mantis?” 

Peter shook his head.  “Wanna see Bucky…” 

Thor was confused.  Peter had never been close with Bucky at all, but when it had come to Gamora and his other friends, he spent time with them every week.  ...But now… 

“You have become close with James?” 

Peter nodded.  “Bucky is the best.”

“Are you still close to Gamora?” 

“...Don’t… really remember them well…” Peter frowned.  “Steve said some of my memory is still a bit bad - said I don’t remember Sam and Natasha and Clint well, either…  But I love Bucky, so I wanna see Bucky.” 

Thor didn’t think twice about Peter’s words.  He assumed it was just some sort of charm that Bucky possessed that had people befriending him left, right and centre.  To be fair, Bucky  _ was  _ a good person, sweet, albeit shy and anxious, but a kind, caring and friendly person nonetheless.  “I never knew James too well, Peter. He seemed to not like me too much, but Steven always told me he was just nervous of me.  I never forced James to be around me; he was always too busy with Steven to really pay me attention anyway.” 

“Bucky is shy,” Peter defended.  “But he has a cat. Steve says his cat helps him when he has bad days.” 

Thor didn’t speak the words he thought; he knew Peter didn’t want to hear that Rocket had been Peter’s rock, too.  Instead, he changed the subject, not wanting to risk upsetting Peter by accidentally bringing up Rocket. “Would you like to choose the music, Peter?”

Peter nodded, and just like that, they fell into a comfortable silence as they continued the drive, the first real comfortability they’d been able to have around each other since Thor’s return.  

* * *

 

“Pizza?  Mexican? What do we want to eat?” Bucky tossed his playing cards carelessly onto the coffee table as he leant back into his beanbag and relaxed.  He looked at his wristwatch, knowing it wasn’t exactly dinnertime, but food was still a welcomed option by this point. 

Steve peered over his own hand of cards at Bucky.  He adjusted himself so that his foot rested more fully on the pillow keeping it raised against the coffee table.  “Let’s meet in the middle and get Italian.” 

“How’s that meeting in the middle if that’s not even anything I listed?” The playful smile on Bucky’s tone showed his amusement, and Steve couldn’t help but smile also.  Bucky picked up his phone from next to his cards. “Alright, punk. Can you do the ordering?” 

“Because you are too technologically challenged to work out how to make an online order?  Sure.” Steve chuckled as he leant forward to take the phone from Bucky. 

“You’re one to talk; Stark spent six months teaching you how to use a computer, and you  _ still  _ don’t even know how to use a photocopier or print things off!” 

Steve couldn’t help but snort.  “Jerk. What do you want to eat?” 

Bucky hummed as he considered the question, but he couldn’t ponder for long, because the doorbell ringing had him jumping in surprise.  He looked out of the living room window, frowning as he realised that Steve’s Lexus was parked in his driveway. He looked back to Steve.  “What do you want me to tell him?” 

Steve was silent for a few moments before he mumbled, “See what he wants…  If he’s just here to be annoying, tell him to go away.” 

Bucky nodded.  He winced at the pain in his chest as he slowly pushed himself from his beanbag and to his feet.  “Thought you told him not to come here.” 

“I did, but when does he  _ ever  _ listen to me?” Steve rolled his eyes.  

Bucky mumbled under his breath as he went to answer the door.  He opened it, not even trying to hide the dislike in his expression as he locked eyes with Thor.  Coldly, he asked, “What are you here for, Thor?” 

“I would like to speak with Steven if he will see me,” Thor said softly.  From beside him, Peter leaned forward and engulfed Bucky in a tight embrace.  

“What for?” Bucky returned the hug, but his eyes never left Thor’s.

“I…” Thor took a deep breath as he glanced at Peter warily.  “...Please tell Steven I need his advice on my sister…” 

Bucky gave Thor a distrustful look as he disentangled Peter from his body and settled him with a gentle pat to the head.  His tone was much gentler as he murmured, “Wait here a moment, Peter; let me go ask Steve something…” 

Bucky had to take his time getting back to Steve.  It was painful to move about, and regardless of how short the journey was in reality, it still hurt like a bitch.  He shrugged at the questioning look on Steve’s face. “He says he wants your advice on his sister.” 

Steve looked at his lap.  He considered it, but in the end he looked back at Bucky and said, “I don’t think I should get involved in that, Buck…  I don’t  _ want  _ to get involved in that mess.  It wouldn’t even  _ be  _ a mess if he’d just  _ listened  _ to me for once!” 

“Right, I’ll tell him to go fuck himself.” Bucky turned back around to return to the door, but he stopped at Steve calling his name.  “What is it, Stevie?” 

“Bucky…” Steve chewed at his lip as he tried to form his thoughts into words.  “...Whatever Thor does, regarding his sister… affects  _ Peter _ .  And I don’t know that I can trust Thor to make the right choice on his own.” 

“But you don’t want to get involved, Steve; it has  _ nothing  _ to do with you,” Bucky reminded.  

“It does when I am  _ married  _ to the two of them…” Steve sighed.  “I feel like I am being selfish… Tell Thor he has five minutes to talk to me and then he has to leave.” 

“Stevie, stop!  You’re  _ not  _ being selfish - you’re looking after  _ you _ !” Bucky looked ready to cry.  “Please! Just… Just stop putting everyone before  _ you  _ all the time!  It’s  _ okay  _ to be selfish!  I don’t want you to talk to him because you feel  _ obligated  _ to, Stevie!” 

“Buck, you’re getting worked up,” Steve pointed out.  “Please, stop. You’ll set yourself off again.” 

Bucky wiped at his eyes.  His body trembled with agitation, but he took a deep breath to try and calm down; he didn’t want to stress Steve out by falling into an episode, but he also didn’t want to see Steve doing this to himself, either.  His tears came harder at the thought of it all. “...” 

Steve sighed.  “Bucky… Please.  I’m only doing this for Peter’s sake.  Not because I want to, or anything like that.  Please. Think about what Peter will go through if I don’t tell Thor to pull his fucking head in.”

“I just want you to let  _ go  _ of him, Stevie!” 

“He’s my husband.” The response came so automatically, Steve wasn’t even aware of what he’d said until the words escaped him.  

Bucky shook his head sadly. “You need therapy, Steve…  Really, you do… He doesn’t  _ deserve  _ to be called your husband!” 

Steve sighed.  The topic of therapy was a common one between them, but no matter how many times Steve agreed to go, he always found an excuse to cancel the appointments.  ...Perhaps Bucky was right, though; after all the shit that had happened…

How the  _ fuck  _ could Steve still say that?  

“Please, Buck.  Just keep Peter entertained for five minutes so he doesn’t overhear.” 

Bucky grumbled to himself.  Steve tried not to think about just how much he was hurting Bucky, and instead, once Thor was standing before him, he muttered, “Whatever you’re thinking of doing, I highly advise you  _ against  _ it, Thor…” 

Thor sighed.  “That is just it, Steven…  I do not know  _ what  _ to do…” 

Steve lifted his gaze to make eye contact with Thor.  “I told you, Thor. I told you what she was like. I told you not to leave Peter with her.  I  _ told  _ you.  If it weren’t for Peter, I’d have let Bucky tell you to fuck off.  I  _ told  _ you to leave me alone, Thor!  I was  _ fine  _ talking to you over the phone, but I said not to come here!  Just leave me  _ alone _ !” 

Thor fumbled his hands together as he looked to the ground.  His mouth moved wordlessly for a few moments before he whispered, “I understood, and I truly respected your wishes to be left alone…  I would not have come here if I was not desperate.” 

“You couldn’t have texted?!” 

Thor shook his head.  “Steven… Please forgive me for our past.  You were  _ right  _ about Hela, and I should have listened to you!  I  _ should have _ !  It was so wrong of me to have done what I had!  I had never listened to you before, but… This time I really need your help, and I come to you now as someone who  _ will  _ listen.  Please. If only this once…  Please allow me the chance to listen to your advice for once.” 

Steve remained silent for so long, Thor thought Steve was ignoring him.  But then, Steve spoke, albeit coldly. “Prove to me you actually have  _ some  _ semblance of respect for me, Thor.  I swear if I help you, and you just fuck -”

“- Steven…” Thor closed his eyes and bowed his head again.  “...Steven, Hela had told me she will kill Peter’s baby. Please.  I desperately… seek your help, Steven.” 

Steve’s expression softened at the look of utter despair on Thor’s face.  His shoulders loosened as he let out a heavy sigh. Reluctantly, he asked, in a much kinder tone, “When is the baby due, Thor…?” 

“Any time now; the baby is expected to be born earlier,” Thor explained.  “It is… It will be a baby girl, Steven…” 

Steve hesitated.  “What exactly are you here to ask me, Thor?” 

“What to do about this entire situation,” Thor replied without hesitation.  “I know that I cannot let the baby die. I will take her when she is born, whether Hela likes it or not.  ...But… I do not know what to do about Peter, Steven. I do not know what to do about  _ us _ .  Peter has a right to his child.  But at the same time… I do not know if he should  _ know _ .  I do not know if I should tell him today, or in five years’ time…  Or if I should  _ ever  _ tell him.  But I want him to know his child, Steven.  I want him to have a good relationship with her, and to love her and enjoy life with her.” 

Steve frowned.  “Thor… Peter was  _ raped _ .  We don’t even know if he  _ wants  _ kids.  He’s never said anything about them before.  For all we know, he doesn’t want to be parent, or he won’t want  _ her  _ for how she was conceived.  And so soon after he’s lost Rocket…  I don’t know, Thor. I really don’t.” 

“I do not wish to lie to Peter, Steven.  I will raise my niece, with or without Peter.  I will give her a good life. I will take care of her on my own if I must; I will not let Hela have her for even a moment!  ...But I cannot let her or Peter live a lie, Steven…” 

“I don’t know if Peter can be a parent, Thor.  He can barely take care of himself, let alone a child.” 

Thor shook his head.  “Steven, Peter was  _ great  _ with Rocket!” 

“Yes.  A  _ raccoon _ .  Not a human  _ child _ ,” Steve pointed out.  “He barely  _ had  _ a childhood, Thor!  He’s never interacted with another child since he’s been with us - he doesn’t  _ know _ !” 

“But he can learn!” Thor insisted.  “Steven, please. Peter has a good heart, and he can  _ learn _ !  If he does not want her, I will raise her on my own - I  _ swear _ .  I will not ask it of you to help me, Steven; you do not  _ deserve  _ to have that pushed onto you.  It can be Peter’s choice; I will leave it up to him to decide for himself what he wants.  But at the very least, I want him to  _ know _ .” 

Steve was silent for a few moments as he listened to Bucky and Peter in the kitchen together.  He sighed. “Thor… You are right. It is Peter’s choice, and Peter’s decision what he wants. I’m glad you can see this - truly, I am.  But Peter… Is in no condition right now. Please don’t spring this on him so abruptly - especially not right after Rocket. I’m urging you, Thor…  And I’m  _ trusting  _ you will listen to me for once…  But  _ please _ .  Try and get to know Peter first before you tell him.  Ask him how he feels about having a family. How he feels about  _ kids _ .  Being a  _ parent _ .  Give him the chance to actually  _ think  _ about these things so he knows what he wants.  Give him a chance to think about being a  _ parent _ .  Please.  Whatever you do…  Please do not force him to be a parent when he doesn’t even know  _ what  _ he wants.” 

Thor nodded.  He reached out to take Steve’s hand in both of his and squeeze, but he stopped and pulled back when Steve snatched his hand away.  “Thank you so much, Steven… Thank you so much. I truly appreciate you letting me discuss this with you.” 

Steve shrugged.  “I didn’t do it for you, Thor.  I did it for  _ Peter _ .”

At Steve’s words, Bucky poked his head into the living room.  “Stevie, Peter really wants to see you.” 

Steve nodded.  Gently, he instructed, “Let him come in.” 

Bucky did as asked, and Peter wasted no time in entering the living room and clambering onto Steve’s lap to wrap his arms around his husband tightly.  Steve ran his fingers through Peter’s growing curls, concerned that Peter hadn’t said anything since seeing him; was Peter really taking Rocket that hard…?

“Peter?  Are you okay?” Steve cupped Peter’s cheek in his hand and kissed his lips.  He frowned when all Peter did was nod. “Are you thinking about Rocket?” 

Hesitantly, Peter nodded.  Between their chests, his toy raccoon was squished.  “...” 

“I’m so sorry, Peter…”

“...” Peter gave a loud sniff, but eventually, he murmured, “Are you comin’ home soon…?  Miss you…”

Steve didn’t know how to tell Peter that no, Steve had no plans on returning home.  As far as he was concerned, the house and everything in it was Thor’s and Peter’s, and Bucky’s couch was his new bed.  “Peter… I’m sorry; I might not be coming back…” 

The tears that were wetting Steve’s neck told Steve everything he needed to know.  He looked to his side at Bucky’s voice. 

“Peter, if you want, you can stay here, too,” Bucky offered gently.  “There’s room. You can have my bed.” 

Peter lifted his face from Steve’s neck, and after wiping at his tears, he did the only thing he knew to show his appreciation; leaning in quickly, he kissed Bucky’s lips. 

Thor reacted better than Steve had expected him to.  There was no yelling or screaming or things being broken; it was simply Thor, crying his heart out as he curled in on himself and ripped at his hair.  

Bucky was the one to react badly, and Steve wasn’t sure if it were out of dislike for Thor, or if he was slipping into a freakout, because Bucky grabbed Peter and held him tight as he slipped into near-hysterical crying of his own.  His words were mere gasps as he choked on everything that escaped his lips, but somehow, he got out, “Yeah, that’s r-right, Thor; P-peter loves  _ me  _ now.  I’ve been sleeping with him while you were gone, and Steve w-watches us!”  

“Bucky.” Steve put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder to settle him.  

“Peter sucked me off the last time I saw him.” Bucky just seemed to get more and more worked up with Thor’s growing stress, as if he himself was feeding off all the negativity and channeling it into his own outburst.  “I bent him over and -”

“- Bucky, that’s enough.” Steve’s tone hardened, hating to see his most loved ones like this.  

“- And I fucked him long and hard until he -” Bucky’s eyes were wide, and his words were gushed out until he could barely be understood, as if some sort of mania had taken over him.  He stopped speaking when Peter screamed at him to leave Thor alone, as if he had fallen into shock that Peter had retaliated in Thor’s favour. Steve got to his feet and dragged him off the couch and out of the living room by the front of his shirt.  His breathing was harsh, and Steve knew he wasn’t far off hyperventilating. 

“What are you doing.” It wasn’t a question.  Steve kicked the bedroom door shut behind him so their conversation couldn’t be overheard.  “You  _ know  _ you’re upsetting Thor.” 

“I don’t care, Steve; he upsets  _ you _ !” Bucky’s shoulders were heaving as he cried, and Steve had to back him up until he was sitting on his bed.  “He started crying because he couldn’t take the thought that maybe he was too much of a fucking asshole for Peter to still love him and I -” 

“-  _ Stop _ .” When Steve used the forceful tone he did, everyone knew it was time to shut up and listen.  Steve hated how upset Bucky was becoming; hated knowing that Bucky was hurting just as much as he was because Bucky felt so powerless to help Steve.  He forced back the anger and the irritation that had steadily built with every moment that passed, and as kindly as he could sound, he murmured, “You know you’re important to me, but don’t make me choose between you and Thor, Buck, because when I married him, I vowed to back him through thick and thin.  Until I sign divorce papers, he is still my husband, Buck. No matter the way he’s treated me. You know how important marriage is to me; I wouldn’t have married him if I wasn’t prepared to defend him regardless of circumstances.” 

“Thor wouldn’t defend  _ you  _ if the positions were reversed!  Why can’t you just sign the stupid papers and  _ leave him?! _ ” Bucky hyperventilated at that.  Steve laid him down on the mattress and sat next to him, stroking his hair.  Another freakout, and Steve knew this one was stress-induced. He sighed. Hopefully Thor would understand if Steve were to explain that Bucky had been having an episode - but, remembering Thor’s history of accusing Steve of cheating on him, Steve was sure it was much more likely Thor would only scream. 

* * *

 

“Bucky was lying…” Peter wouldn’t get any closer to Thor than he already was from where he crouched behind the arm of the couch.  His expression showed his upset and discomfort, but despite his natural instinct being to go and hug Thor and comfort him until he stopped crying, he couldn’t brave the anxiety to clamber over the couch arm and get closer.  “I don’t know why he said that… But I promise I never slept with him, Thor. Please stop cryin’...” 

Thor shook his head.  His face was red and soaked with tears, and his voice was thick with despair as he gruffed, “No, Peter, it is  _ fine _ …!  I promise…!  If you have fallen in love with someone else, I…  I truly understand… I am sure James will be a better partner to you than I have been, Peter - I just want for you and Steven to be happy…  Even if that does not include me…” 

“Thor…!” Peter chewed at his nails as his body trembled.  Thor wasn’t the only one stressed from Bucky’s actions; he, too, felt shaken and hurt, but seeing Thor like this…  Something inside of him sparked, and despite everything, he couldn’t let Thor stay like this. “Stop bein’ silly! Honest!  Bucky was lyin’! I don’t like that he upset you like this, Thor!” 

Thor rubbed at his face again as he looked to Peter.  “But why would he lie about that, Peter…? I do not understand…”

“I don’t know…  But I promise it wasn’t true.” 

They fell silent for a few moments more before Thor whispered, “Peter…  I mean what I said… If you have decided you would rather be with someone else…  By all means, I understand. Please do not feel obligated to stay with me if you do not love me anymore; I just want for you to be happy…” 

“But you  _ cried,  _ man…!” 

“Because I  _ love  _ you, and it pains me!  But I  _ love  _ you, Peter!  I love you and Steven, and if happiness for you both cannot include me, then so be it…” 

From the doorway, Steve’s voice floated out to them.  “I don’t understand why you do this, Thor… You confuse the absolute shit out of me sometimes…  But Bucky didn’t mean anything he said. I’m sorry he upset you so much.”

Thor shook his head.  He looked to the doorway to see Steve leaning against it, watching with sad eyes.  “Think nothing about it, Steven; I… I deserved it…” 

Steve sighed.  “Maybe… But I didn’t like it.  He was freaking out; he’s been off his medication and I’m struggling getting him back on it.  What he said wasn’t right. But it doesn’t mean I forgive you, or I’ve changed my feelings about you.  What I told you over the phone still stands. If you want to talk to me, you have Bucky’s phone number.  Maybe I’ll get another phone soon; I don’t know. If I do, I’ll text you my number.”

Thor felt his heart race as he realised the implications; there was still a chance Steve would, at the very least, become friends with him again - but that would never happen if Thor kept going back to his old ways.

Steve continued on, and the mounting distress was evident in his choking tone.  “But please do not come here. Please leave us alone. Bucky isn’t coping, and I want to be alone.  Please, go home, Thor. You can keep my car; I don’t care. Material objects don’t matter to me; I just need to be with Bucky and find myself again.  Peter, you know you are welcome to and visit whenever you want to, and you can always call me and talk to me, too. I love you, but Thor… Just leave me be.  I’m trying to get my life back together.” 

With that, Steve returned to Bucky’s bedroom, leaving Thor to gather up Peter and get him into the car to go home.  Steve rested his back against Bucky’s bedroom door, taking deep breaths to calm himself before he moved to Bucky’s bedside drawers to take a pill bottle.  

“Buck?” Steve waved the bottle in the air, and with all his agony clear in his eyes, he murmured, “You start taking these again, and I will go to therapy.  Deal?” 

Bucky didn’t hesitate to mumble out exhaustedly, “Deal…  Now give me the bottle, punk…” 

Steve passed the bottle over, and with that, he sat down on the edge of the bed next to Bucky, with his face in his hands as he worked on calming himself down.  He still stayed when Bucky passed out; laying down next to his friend, he wrapped his arms around Bucky and held him close as he, too, tried to fall asleep and forget the day’s events.  

 

  
  



	20. Chapter 20

“I think… I should let Peter go.” 

The stunned silence on the other end of the phone was evidence enough of Steve’s surprise.  When he finally replied, it was with a soft, confused tone. “Does he  _ want  _ to go, Thor?”

“I do not know, Steven.” Thor haphazardly shifted the Lexus into fifth gear.  “But I think he would be happier with your James; he seems to be very much in love…” 

“Thor, he really isn’t.  I promise. Peter’s  _ confused _ .” There was a bang in the background of the phone call, and at the back of Thor’s mind, he wondered what Steve was doing.  “He’s just trying to be affectionate and show appreciation. It’s just a crush. I’ve already told Peter no. It’s not happening.  I’m not letting him, Thor.” 

Thor let out a heavy sigh.  “If he would be happier -” 

“- He  _ won’t  _ be,” Steve reaffirmed.  “He  _ can’t  _ be.  Bucky doesn’t love him like that, and it’s  _ just  _ a  _ crush _ .  He’ll grow out of it.  I promise, Thor. But let him explore himself with it; it’s fine.  He’s learning.” 

“Learning…?” 

“Yes.  Let him run with it, Thor; don’t discourage him or try to stop it.  Bucky doesn’t mind too much; he knows Peter doesn’t know any better.” 

“Hmm…  I do not really like it, Steven…” 

“I know.  I don’t, either.  But he’ll grow out of it, Thor.” 

An uncomfortable silence hung between them.  Thor felt depressed, and he could tell from Steve’s reservedness, he didn’t really want to be talking to Thor in the first place.  Thor felt guilty at knowing Steve was pushing himself just to keep him happy, because really, what the hell had changed between them in the first place?  Thor was still being the selfish bastard he’d always been.

“I apologise, Steven; I should not be contacting you.  I will leave you to what you were doing before I called.” Thor prepared to end the call, but his hand stilled when Steve almost pleaded with him to wait.  “Steven…?” 

“Thor…” Steve hesitated.  “...Don’t hang up. How’s Peter doing?” 

Thor hummed at the question.  “Well, since the last time we saw you some weeks ago, Peter has been doing better.  I have taught him how to go downstairs by himself, and I think it has made him a bit happier to be independent.  He has found a fondness for gardening; however, I do not know if it is because of Rocket. But Peter has grown his own little garden of flowers around Rocket’s grave, and I think it makes him happy to tend to it by himself.”

Steve chuckled slightly.  “What about his bonsai plant?  He was so excited about it when he got it.  He even named it.” 

“Ah, yes.” Thor felt a smile slipping onto his face.  “He has slowly been replacing his toy raccoon with his bonsai plant, I have noticed.  Peter has been doing better, though, Steven. I think he is slowly coming out of his depression.” 

“I’m glad.” 

“...He asked me to sleep with him last night.” Thor chewed his lip at the memory.  “Not for sex, or anything like that. He still does not want me to touch him. But I think he is struggling to sleep upstairs alone.  He asked for me to sleep with him, but he would not let me hold him. ...Do you think he is starting to trust me again, Steven?” 

“I think so.  You’ve been letting him have space, and he’ll appreciate that more than you’ll ever understand, Thor.” There was another bang in the background of the phone call, but Thor wasn’t too worried; Steve seemed just fine as it was.  “Just let him take the reins for once.” 

Thor nodded.  “Steven… He will love me again?” 

“...If you give him reason to do so, he will,” Steve said carefully.  “Don’t force him. He  _ did  _ love you, Thor.  ...It just… wasn’t healthy.” 

“I understand, Steven.  Really, I do. Thank you for talking to me.”  

“It’s alright.  What have you done about Hela?” 

“Hmm?  I have asked Peter a few things…  He seems to have a lot of disinterest in children.  I think I will mention something to him again today and see what he says.” 

“Let me know, Thor.  I’ve been worried about him.” 

“He is safe with me, Steven.” Thor chewed at his lip as he remembered the past.  Hesitantly, he added, “He  _ really  _ is safe, Steven.  I will not hurt him.” 

“...I know…” Steve whispered.  For once, he trusted Thor to be telling the truth.  “I’ve got to go; Bucky… is coming with me to therapy, and he said the taxi has just arrived.” 

Thor was surprised, really.  Steve had always been the kind of person who kept their emotions locked away and hidden from the rest of the world, so to hear that he had finally resorted to therapy… 

On one hand, it was good that Steve was finally getting help for himself - but knowing why Steve was going in the first place…  Well, it was painful. 

“Okay.  Good luck, Steven.  Please let me know if it helps you.” Thor waited until Steve had ended the call before he pressed the bluetooth button on the steering wheel.  He looked to the passenger seat and at the bag of food beside him, hoping that Peter would eat it. With a sigh, he turned the radio up, listening to the news as he continued his drive home. 

* * *

 

Peter was outside when Thor found him.  He was in his garden, patting down the earth as if he’d just planted something new.  He couldn’t hear Thor approach, so Thor understood when Peter jumped a mile into the air at having his shoulder touched. 

“I did not mean to startle you, Peter; you did not seem to be able to hear me as I was calling to you.” Thor’s tone was gentle, and he’d stepped back to give Peter space as he calmed down.  

Peter shook his head as he tried to control his rough breathing.  “Nah… S’fine…” 

Thor offered a smile.  “What are you doing?” 

“I planted some more flowers for Rocket.” Despite the quiet tone Peter spoke with, Thor could still see how proud of himself Peter was.  “Look; I took photos to show Steve and Bucky.” 

Thor took the phone Peter was passing to him.  He smiled at the photos on the screen. “You do not want to send them to your other friends, too, Peter?  I am sure they would love to hear from you.” 

Peter frowned.  He sat back against his heels and scratched at his wrist.  “...I… dunno, Thor… What if I just annoy them?” 

“You do not; they love you,” Thor reassured.  “They text me and Steven every day to check on you.  Mantis says she would love for you to come and visit again.” 

“Mantis?”  Peter nibbled at his lip for a few seconds before his frown deepened.  “She’s my sister, right…?” 

“Yes, and she has been very worried about you since you’ve been sick.” 

Peter looked at the ground.  “Thor… I’m worried people don’t really like me as much as I wish they would…  ‘Cause, like… Steve always tells me that everyone loves me, but… I don’t really got good memories of people.  Just… Just Steve and Bucky. I think I just annoy everyone, ‘cause I remember some people that Steve’s friends with would always upset me.” 

“I promise you that you do not annoy anyone,” Thor murmured.  He reached out to brush hair back behind Peter’s ear. “If you would like, we can eat lunch and then I can take you to see Mantis and your friends.  I will stay with you if it makes you more comfortable.”

“...I don’t know…  I dunno if I can take any more sadness, Thor.  I wanna be accepted, but… I’m really struggling with feelin’ accepted - even with Steve…” 

“Peter, I can assure you that there is  _ no one  _ who has accepted you more than Steven has,” Thor whispered.  “He has accepted you even more than I myself have, and he will  _ always  _ accept you.  That is the kind of man he is.  Once he is loyal to someone, he will  _ always  _ be loyal.  And he accepted you a long time ago, even when he had all the reason not to.  So please, if you can only trust just one person who loves you, please trust Steven.  He loves you so dearly.”

“But he isn’t here…  He hasn’t  _ been  _ here in so long…” 

“Steven needs his space, and he will come back when he is ready.”

Peter got to his feet and started walking to the house.  “Thor… How come Steve loves Bucky more than he loves us now?”

“It is not like that; Steven has known James his whole life, Peter.” Thor followed Peter inside.  “James almost raised Steven himself; they are inseparable. ...Believe me, I have  _ tried  _ to separate them…” 

Peter frowned.  “Just wish they would love me, too…  I don’t mind being shared, Thor.”

“Peter…”  Thor felt sick as he realised he had a huge role to play in Peter’s lack of self-respect.  He shook his head and reached out to take Peter’s hand and squeeze. “Peter, whatever I have taught you… You should  _ forget _ . You are worth  _ more  _ than just a piece of ass to be passed around at a party. How I treated you and Steven… I was  _ wrong _ .  I was  _ selfish.  _ Please do not let my actions reflect on what you think you are worth, Peter. You are worth being  _ loved _ , and you already  _ have that _ .” 

Peter looked at Thor with questioning eyes.  He was silent for so long before he asked, “Then why don’t I  _ feel  _ loved?”

“Because I drove Steven away by mistreating him, and when it comes to you I never showed you proper love, and even now I am afraid I will only upset you if I am to try,” Thor explained.  “If you will just give me the chance… I promise to love you properly, Peter. I know you may still be scared of me… But truly I love you. I love Steven, too. But I fear it is too late.  I fear I have done too much to him, Peter. I desperately wish to make amends, but I do not know if I could ever be ready to see me again, so I will allow him his distance. But you, Peter…  Please allow me to make things up to you while I still have you.” 

Peter frowned again.  He looked away, and reluctantly, he muttered, “...Well…  I’ve really been missin’ all of Steve’s hugs… S-so if you wanna, I…”

Thor didn’t hesitate to lean in and engulf Peter in a tight hug.  He didn’t let go - rather, he  _ couldn’t  _ let go.  He’d been waiting so long to be able to hold Peter again, and now that he finally had permission…

Thor couldn’t hold back a sob when he felt Peter’s arms hesitantly wrap around his middle.  He pulled Peter closer, dragging his fingers through the soft, brown curls and sobbed. “Peter…  Peter, I love you so much…” 

Peter didn’t reply, but he didn’t pull away, either.  Thor took it as a good sign, so giving Peter room to breathe, he stepped back and smiled as he rubbed Peter’s cheek with his thumb.  He said nothing about the way Peter’s eyes dropped instantly at the action; there wasn’t anything  _ to  _ say about it. 

“I have lunch on the dining table,” Thor murmured.  “I bought thai. Are you hungry?” 

Peter shrugged.  “Not really…” 

Thor took Peter’s hand and squeezed it.  “Try and eat something, even if you just nibble a little.  I am worried about you.” 

Peter frowned.  “I just… I don’t really feel like eatin’ anymore, Thor…  Even thinkin’ ‘bout food kinda makes me feel sick.” 

Thor reached out and put the back of his hand against Peter’s forehead.  “You do feel a bit warm… Would you like to see the doctor, Peter? Your ribs might be infected from where the bullet grazed you.” 

“Nah, man.  Been feelin’ sick since Rocket… d-died…” Peter stuttered the final word, but the softness he spoke with told Thor that perhaps Peter was coming to terms with losing Rocket.  He wiped hastily at his eyes, but when he looked back up, Thor couldn’t see tears in his eyes. “I just… think I lost part of me with Rocket, Thor… That’s all…” 

Thor put his hand on Peter’s shoulder and squeezed.  “When our mother died, it had been the hardest moment of my life.  I do not think I ever really got to grieve her, however; Loki took our mother’s passing incredibly hard, and I had to put my life on hold to care for my brother.  I understand what you are saying, Peter; I think my poor brother experienced the same thing. Loki has never quite been the same since our mother passed away.” 

Peter blinked back tears.  “Does it get better, Thor…?  I really miss him…” 

“It does.  But only with time.  You have to get through all the yucky feelings first, Peter.” Thor stroked Peter’s face with his palm.  “But it gets better with time. Eventually you learn to live with the pain.” 

Peter hesitated before he tugged at Thor’s sleeve and murmured, “I wanna show you somethin’.” 

Thor was patient as Peter pulled him through the house and to the staircase.  He didn’t mind Peter clinging to him as he helped him up the stairs, and once he was tugged to the bedroom door, he stopped and watched Peter go in.  

“Look.” Peter made his way to the bedside drawers.  He opened the top drawer and reached in, pulling out a stack of papers.  He sat on the edge of the bed and looked through them before he called to Thor again.  “Thor, look.” 

Thor hesitated, but eventually, he sat beside Peter and took the papers.  He smiled as he realised he was looking at drawings of Rocket that Steve had done for Peter.  “Peter, these must be very important to you.” 

“They are.  ...I like to look at them before bed.” Peter pulled one of the pictures out of the pile.  “This one is my favourite.” 

Thor chuckled as he looked closer at the picture.  His heart warmed to see that it was a drawing of Peter and Rocket asleep together. “Steven is an amazing drawer, Peter.” 

“Yup~!  Can you draw me a picture, too?” 

“I can, but you know I am not a good drawer,” Thor murmured.  

“I don’t care.  Please?” 

Thor patted Peter’s head.  “Alright. But do not say you did not already know I am terrible at drawing, sweetheart.” 

Their moment was peaceful.  Peter sat patiently on the bed as Thor went and fetched pencils and paper, and once Thor had returned, he took his time in sketching as carefully as he could.  When he handed it to Peter, he’d never felt so sheepish in his life as his cheeks burned at the sight of his stick-figure raccoon.

Peter burst into tears at the sight of it, and Thor immediately thought he had done something to upset Peter.  But when Peter wrapped his arms tight around him and thanked him through his sobs, Thor felt more confused than he had to begin with.  

“Peter?” Thor took Peter’s hands and squeezed.  “I am sorry you did not like it; I really am not a good drawer…  I did not intend on upsetting you, though.” 

Peter shook his head.  “No, no… I  _ love  _ it, Thor!  It’s cute…!  I just… You really did it for me…  I thought you wouldn’t - thought I was wastin’ my breath askin’...  I… Really;  _ thank you _ , Thor!” 

Thor wrapped his arm around Peter and held him close.  “Let me go find some photo frames so you can frame your favourite ones.” 

Thor left, and though he searched everywhere for unused frames, he couldn’t find any.  In the end, he took some out of a box in the downstairs closet - framed photos that had been his, and Steve must have mistakenly taken from the mansion.  

It was a no-brainer, truly.  The single photo of Hela was removed from the frame and torn into pieces without hesitation.  The photos of Peter and Rocket were to forever stay framed, and the photos from early on in his relationship with Steve were so precious, Thor took his favourite from the box so he could set it up somewhere special.  In the end, he could only spare two frames, and after removing a photo of his dear friends and laying it carefully back in the box for the future, he went upstairs to give the empty frames to Peter.

“I apologise I do not have enough frames for all of your pictures, but you can frame your two favourite,” Thor explained tenderly as he passed over the frames.  “Which is the second one you like the best?” 

Peter hummed as he considered the question.  His eyes darted amongst all of Steve’s drawings, but when his hand reached for the one Thor had just drawn, off to the side, Thor’s heart stopped.  “This one.” 

Thor could have cried.  “Peter… Really, it is okay.  If you like Steven’s drawings better, I -” 

“- But  _ you  _ made this for me, Thor,” Peter argued softly.  “Steve’s an awesome drawer, but you made this for me ‘cause you know how much it would have meant to me…” 

Thor wiped at his dampening eyes.  He wanted to reply, despite not knowing what he wanted to say, but before he could, his phone vibrated in his pocket.  He pulled it out and looked at the screen, reading the message from Loki that told him Hela had just gotten home with her newborn baby.  

Thor’s throat felt tight, and his stomach knotted uncomfortably.  “Peter…? Something very important with my sister has just come up, and I need to go and fix it.  Do you mind waiting here for me to get back?” 

Peter shook his head.  He looked to the window across from him and pointed to his bonsai plant resting on the sill.  “Can you get Groot for me before you go? I wanna trim him.” 

“Of course.” Thor did as requested, and once he passed the plant to his lover, he kissed Peter’s forehead.  “I will be back as soon as I can. I promise.” 

Peter nodded.  “Thank you, Thor.” 

“You are welcome.  I love you.” 

“...I love you, too…” Peter whispered.  He watched as Thor started disappearing out of the bedroom door.  “Thor…?” 

“Yes, sweetheart?” 

“...I hate your sister…” Peter looked to his lap.

“...” Thor was silent for the longest time.  “...Yeah… Me too, Peter… Me, too…” 

And with that, Thor was gone. 

* * *

 

Loki was waiting outside Hela’s home for Thor to arrive.  When Thor parked the Lexus next to Loki’s car, he took a deep breath and forced himself out and onto the dying grass beneath his feet.  He swallowed past the golf ball in his throat with difficulty as Loki patted his back. 

“Loki…” Thor’s voice was unusually quiet as they made the walk to the front door together.  “Is the baby okay?” 

Loki nodded.  “She won’t do anything while I’m around, Thor.  She knows I’m not a scared little kid who’ll take her shit anymore.” 

Thor took Loki’s hand.  He didn’t squeeze; he just held it, wishing that such a simple action could undo years of neglect he’d bestowed upon his precious brother.  “...” 

The front door was unlocked, and as soon as they stepped inside, they found the baby, wrapped in pink blankets and fast asleep on the couch, dangerously close to the edge.  Thor hurried forward to take her into his arms before she fell. 

“Where is Hela?” Thor looked around for his sister, not surprised that Loki wanted to stay by the front door rather than enter the abode of his life-long abuser.  

“Somewhere…” Loki took no more than three steps towards Thor.  He held his arms out. “Give her to me. I’ll take her to the car.” 

Thor couldn’t have agreed more; anything to get Peter’s baby out of Hela’s presence…  “You are the best brother I could have asked for, Loki.” 

Loki pouted at the compliment.  “Liar. I’m a shit brother.” 

Thor didn’t have the heart to argue.  He watched Loki leave the house with the baby, and once he oversaw him putting her safely into the baby seat he had just purchased on his way to Hela’s, he turned around and moved further into the house.  “Hela!” 

Thor found Hela, in the backyard with a bottle of wine before her.  She smirked knowingly at him before she slurred, “You want it? Take it.” 

“I already have, and  _ she  _ will be  _ loved _ ,” Thor snarled.  “She will be with her father, and even if it kills me, I will make sure you never get your hands on her again.” 

“What if I were to take your boy-toy to court for custody of  _ my  _ kid?   _ I  _ birthed that thing.” 

“You have no right.  She is  _ Peter’s  _ child, and I would sooner take custody of her myself than give her up to you, Hela.” 

Hela laughed.  “What, you think  _ you’re  _ cut out to raise a baby?  Look at how well your  _ brother  _ turned out.  You locked him away in a  _ mental hospital  _ because you couldn’t deal with him.” 

“Because he was suicidal, and he needed the help,” Thor snarled.  “I raised my brother well enough - he did not turn out like  _ you _ , and I feel like that is a success.” 

“You smacked him around and shoved him into walls whenever he pissed you off.” Hela waved a dismissive hand.  “You had anger issues and you took them out on him. You  _ still  _ have anger issues, and here you are, wanting to swoop in and be a  _ hero _ .  How many times have you smacked your  _ husbands  _ around, Thor?  How many?” 

Thor chewed angrily at the inside of his cheek.  He narrowed his eyes, and with his hands clenched by his sides, he snarled, “Yes…  I have made mistakes in my past, Hela… I was abusive, and I did not even  _ realise _ .  I was a  _ horrible  _ person.  But I am better now.  I do not carry all that anger around with me anymore, Hela.  I have  _ released  _ it.  I am  _ better _ .  I can be a  _ better husband  _ now - but you…  You will  _ never  _ change…  And I… feel sorry for you…” 

It was Hela’s turn to narrow her eyes.  “Really? I feel sorry for your husband.  The cute, blond one who you only made miserable.  Having to put up with your abusive ass for all the years that he has.  It’s no wonder I heard he went nutty and wants a divorce. I can’t really blame you, though;  _ I’d  _ smack him around a bit, too.  Teach him his place. He’s only good for a quick fuck, and since he isn’t giving you that anymore, I hope he  _ kills hims  _ -” 

Hela couldn’t finish her sentence, because Thor had backhanded her across the mouth so hard, blood splattered onto the pavement beneath them.  Thor’s shoulders were heaving, his breaths coming in short pants as he snarled. He leant in close. “Do not  _ ever _ … talk badly about Steven, Hela.   _ Ever _ !  What you say about him…  What you  _ have  _ said about him in the past…!  If you ever say one more thing about Steven that is out of line…  I do not care that you are a woman; I will defend my husband’s honour to the death, Hela, and I  _ will not  _ let  _ anyone  _ talk badly about him!  I will do to you again what I did for the things you did to  _ Peter  _ if you ever say that about Steven again!” 

Thor couldn’t stick around after that.  He didn’t want to hear Hela say another word against Steve - and besides; he had his new niece to see!  

Thor left the house quickly, heading to his car to hug Loki tightly and thank him for coming.  Once Loki had headed home, he opened the back door of the car to see his niece. She was asleep, tucked in tight and safe in her baby seat.  Her pudgy cheeks were the cutest thing Thor had ever seen, and all he wanted now was to get home and show her to Peter and hope with all his being that he would accept her as his own.  

The problem was, Thor still had no idea if he should tell Peter the truth, or keep it hidden for the time being.  

* * *

 

“Hey, can we watch Footloose?” Bucky cackled evilly at the glare Steve presented him with at the question.  “I was joking, Stevie! Honest!” 

Steve sniffed.  “That was a stupid joke.  I should have expected it, coming from you, though.”

Bucky cackled again.  He settled back into his couch and threw his arm lazily over his head as he watched Steve mess around with the orthopedic boot still protecting his foot from further harm.  “I dunno why you won’t let me do that, Stevie. You look really uncomfortable bent so far forward like that.” 

Steve sniffed again.  “Because I’ll catch your stupid if you come close to me.  That, and I don’t trust you to not mess it up and cut my toes off trying to change a bloody bandage.” 

“I’m not  _ that  _ bad, Stevie!  I’m sure you’ll still have  _ at least  _ three toes on your foot by the time I’m done.” Bucky looked at the coffee table as his phone vibrated.  He leant forward and snatched it up, seeing who was texting him. “Looks like Peter misses you again.” 

Steve grunted as he worked on now unraveling the bandage from his ankle.  “What did he say?” 

Bucky was silent as he unlocked his phone to open the full message.  He skimmed it, but then his eyes widened, and he choked on his own saliva.  “Jesus!” 

Steve looked away from his foot.  “What?” 

Bucky’s face was pale as he passed the phone to Steve.  “I’ve been violated, Steve.” 

“Drama queen.” Steve read the message for himself.  “...Oh…” 

Bucky hid his face behind his hand.  “I just… I’m really not comfortable with that, Steve…  Can you tell him to stop?” 

“Only because I don’t want to ask you what kind of porn you like to report back to Peter…” Steve tried to tease to lighten the mood.  He sighed. “I’m sorry, Buck; I didn’t think he’d ask something like that. I’ll tell him not to ask that again.” 

“I don’t mind being nice to him and all when he tries to kiss me, but I  _ really  _ don’t like that, Steve…  That’s… Yeah, I’m not comfortable.” 

“I’m sorry.  Tell me if he does it again, Buck.  You know I don’t like it, either.” 

Bucky nodded.  He let Steve keep his phone as he changed the subject.  “But seriously. You should let me handle that, Steve.” 

“No; you already did so much for me when we were younger, Buck; I couldn’t possibly expect you -” 

“- But I  _ like  _ lookin’ after ya,” Bucky reminded.  “And I’m pretty sure, even though you always yelled at me for dressin’ ya up like you’re steppin’ foot into the Antarctic, you liked me lookin’ after ya, too.” 

“Don’t use your Bucky voice with me; I am an adult.” 

“Yeah, but you’re Stevie, and I’m Bucky.  Remember?” Bucky flashed Steve his most charming grin.  He chuckled in victory when Steve sighed in defeat and sat up straight to let Bucky handle the rest.  “Good. Now you can rest. Tell me if I’m hurting you.” 

Steve’s attention went to the phone when another text message came through.  He sighed loudly. “Bucky… I don’t know what’s wrong with Peter. Now he’s asking me to ask you how often you…  Uh… You know…” 

Bucky’s face paled again.  “Why is he asking all this?  I’m not telling him how much I jerk off!” 

“And I’m not telling him that the answer is almost all day every day,” Steve teased again.  

Bucky shrugged.  “Accurate. But no telling!” 

“I know, I know.  I’m asking him to stop, Buck.” Steve frowned at the next reply to his message.  “Peter’s hard, and he… He says he needs help with it because he doesn’t know if he can do it on his own.” 

Bucky’s shoulders were tight as he curled in on himself.  He was silent for a few moments before he murmured, “You wanna go over there…?” 

“No, because Thor will be there,” Steve didn’t hesitate in replying.  He tried to ignore the slight tightness in his own pants and instead, he continued speaking.  “And I don’t… want Thor knowing Peter wants to come here for sex… I don’t think Thor would take it well.” 

Bucky was silent again as he pondered things.  “...So why’s he keep askin’ about me?  _ I’m  _ not his husband, Stevie…” 

“I’ll ask.” Steve typed out his message, and when the reply came, he let out a sigh of relief.  “He’s just curious about you. He’ll grow out of it, Buck. He’s just trying to find his place in the world.” 

“I dunno how needing to know my bedroom habits will help him with that…” 

“He wants to make sure there’s nothing wrong with him, Bucky; I’m sure you can understand that…” Steve reached out and put his hand on Bucky’s head.  He gave a reassuring smile, one which Bucky returned shyly. 

“Why would there be anything wrong with him for having natural urges…?” Bucky focused on tending to Steve’s injury for a short while longer before he mumbled, “So, uh…  You want some privacy or somethin’, Stevie…?” 

Steve nodded.  “I think so. Do you mind if I keep your phone for a while?” 

“Nah.  Just don’t save any dick pics, Steve.” 

Steve gave a soft laugh.  “I won’t. Thank you. You’re amazing.” 

Bucky smiled shyly once again.  He gently put the finishing touches onto Steve’s foot, and once that was done, he put the boot back on and helped him to the bedroom.  “Alright, get in there, sexy.” 

Steve snorted and elbowed Bucky in the ribs.  “Shut up.” 

“Prude.” 

“Jerk.” But Steve could never find it in him to be mad at Bucky, and with one last hug, he closed the door and made his way to the bed.   He made himself comfortable before he unzipped his pants and opened up Peter’s message thread again. 

_ -I can help you, Peter-  _ Steve texted.   _ -Do you want to see of a picture of how hard I am?- _

Peter’s reply came almost instantly.   _ -k-  _

Steve dragged his fingers slowly against his thigh, all the way up to the zip of his jeans.  He pushed them down his hips, and with a few strokes to himself to harden even more, he took a photo of his proudly-standing erection.  

Steve sent the picture, along with a short message.   _ -May I see a picture of you, Peter?- _

Peter’s reply was a little belated.  Steve had almost thought he’d upset Peter by asking, but finally, the picture came through.  Peter wasn’t quite as hard as he tended to be, and Steve could clearly see the wilt in his arousal.  But regardless, Peter  _ was  _ hard, and Steve had needs, too.  

_ -I want to see you with your hand wrapped around yourself-  _ Steve texted.   _ -Think to yourself that it’s my hand, and I am stroking you gently to get you all the way erect.-  _

Again, Peter sent the photo, this time with his hand around himself.  Steve licked his lips. He moved down the mattress slightly so he could spread his legs a little wider and reach down to ghost his fingertips against his sac.  

_ -Can I call you?-  _ Steve requested.   _ -I want to hear you while you’re in pleasure.-  _

Again, the reply was hesitant and straight to the point.   _ -k- _

Steve smiled.  He went into Bucky’s contacts and dialled his own number so that Peter could answer the call.  He couldn’t help but purr, “Hello, Peter~”

Peter was panting already, and Steve knew he’d been worked up for a while already.  “S-Steve…”

Steve chuckled.  “It’s okay, Peter.  I’m hard, too. I’m hard for you~”

Peter moaned.  “Steve…” 

“If I was there, I’d…” Steve wrapped his hand around himself again and stroked, “...I’d lay you down and take you in my mouth.”

Steve could hear the telltale signs that Peter was caressing himself on the other end of the line.  He rubbed his thumb over the head of his arousal, smearing pre-cum about. He hadn’t realised just how needy he was until now, and he was tempted to take a taxi back to his house and lay with Peter properly. 

“Fuck, I just wanna - Peter?” Steve’s hand froze at the sudden squeak Peter made.  He frowned at the sudden ruffling of blankets, as if Peter was trying to hide himself from something.  When the line went dead, Steve could only worry. 

_ -Are you okay, Peter?-  _ Steve texted.  

The reply came, minutes after Steve had sent the message.   _ -yea- _

_ -Did Thor walk in?- _

_ -yea-  _

Steve deflated at how distant Peter’s texts were now.  Thor had walked in, and he and Peter were probably screwing at that very moment.  Whatever arousal Steve had had was gone, and Steve felt like crying at just how lonely he felt at the knowledge. 

But then, just when Steve had about cried himself into sleep, the phone vibrated with another message, and Steve opened it warily. 

Steve understood now what had happened.  Peter hadn’t abandoned him for sex - hell, from the sound of Peter’s reaction, Peter had lost his arousal as quickly as Steve had.  No; what Peter had abandoned him for was the baby in the photo, held carefully in his arms as he gave a shy smile to the camera. 

Steve wiped at his eyes, smiling himself now as he felt the depression lift at knowing what had happened.   _ -How cute.  What is her name?- _

Peter’s reply was quick.  - _ thor sed he dusnt no so i can nayme her.  i sed mary after my mum- _

_ -Very cute, Peter.  Do you like her?” _

_ -yea. thor sed she’s he’s neese and coz he’s sister is a bish that thor is lookeen ufter her-  _

Steve chuckled.  So Thor hadn’t told Peter the truth, but despite it, was still acknowledging Peter’s parental status and letting him have his say. 

It was a strange feeling for Steve to look back on all their years together and know that Thor probably would have taken over completely had this been just two years ago.  Thor  _ had  _ come far, and Steve  _ was  _ proud of him for it. 

...But was the constant loneliness better than the pain he suffered through at Thor’s hands?  Steve wasn’t sure, but either way, he was hurting. 

 


	21. Chapter 21

A day out was always welcomed by Steve, especially when it was a day out he could share with his friends.  Sam, always so happy to spend time with Steve, had jumped at the offer of lunch and shopping when Steve texted him and asked.  

Bucky had been the only hitch in the plan, and Steve would forever be thankful that that was where Sam was only too willing to come in.  

“Come on, big guy; nothin’ out there’s gonna hurt ya,” Sam comforted.  He tugged at Bucky’s crinkled jacket, settling it on his body more naturally before he zipped it up and patted his friend’s shoulder.  “‘Sides, you got me and Steve if anythin’ goes wrong. You know that.” 

Bucky was silent for a few moments as he stared down at the ground.  Finally, he lifted his gaze to meet Sam’s as he whispered shakily, “Some days are harder than others, Sam…” 

“I feel you,” Sam promised.  “But you can’t stay inside your house forever.” 

From where Steve was sitting on the couch so he could lace his boots up, he looked over at the two to see how they were doing.  It was hard for him to know just how much of a shut-in Bucky had become, only leaving his house if he had friends with him, but every time Bucky refused to go past his front door, Steve understood; the world was a scary place - more so for Bucky, who had to live with the mental scarring of their army days much more than Steve did.  

That was why Steve was so glad to have met Sam back before being discharged; if Sam hadn’t given him the invitation to attend the therapy sessions he held for veterans suffering post-traumatic stress disorder, Steve hated to think about where he - and Bucky, especially - could have ended up.  

Bucky scuffed his boot against the floor as he gave a pout.  He fidgeted with his baseball cap as he mumbled, “I look like a hobo…” 

Sam chuckled.  Ever-so-gently, he murmured, “But you’re  _ our  _ hobo.  Come on.” 

Bucky mumbled something under his breath as he reluctantly followed Sam out the front door.  Steve watched them carefully, making sure that Bucky really had left his guns at home; on a bad day like this, Steve  _ hated  _ letting him have access to weapons - for  _ everyone’s  _ safety.  

Steve let out a sigh as he finished lacing his boots.  He grabbed Bucky’s phone from the dining table and made sure he had the house keys before he, too, left the house and got into Sam’s car.  

The drive to the mall was a quiet, yet comfortable one.  Bucky kept silent in the backseat as he went over the coping skills Sam had taught him, and Sam and Steve were content with passing the time by talking.  

“Heard from your lover boys lately?” Sam’s tone was playful, and Steve appreciated it; Sam was one of the few people he knew who never wanted to upset him.  

“Yeah, Peter stayed over again last night.” Steve looked out of the window, knowing they weren’t far from the mall now.  “Thor came and got him this morning. ...Thor’s been… I don’t know; strangely…  _ considerate _ ?” 

Sam gave a surprised snort.  “Him? Alright, we’re gonna have to put a search team together and look for the aliens who abducted him.” 

Steve chuckled.  “No, really. He’s been looking after his niece, and he’s…  Well, I don’t know; I haven’t really spoken to Thor for a few months now, but Peter tells me he is very busy looking after his niece.  Peter said Thor doesn’t want me feeling like I  _ have  _ to come back, so he’s keeping his distance.  But I think he’s genuinely happy, Sam.” 

“Happy?” 

“Yeah…  He always did want a family.” Steve cocked his head to the side as he thought about it.  “When we first got together… We were almost going to break up because he wanted to adopt with me but I told him I wouldn’t until we were married - because I didn’t want to adopt and have something happen and I leave him.  ...Anyway, we sort of got a child with Peter; I swear he was more difficult than a toddler at times.” 

Sam laughed loudly.  He indicated to pull into the underground car park.  “Peter’s not that bad. He got better. Gotta admit; few times I felt like strangling him, though.” 

Steve chuckled again.  “Join my club, Sam; you can be vice-president.  I think Bucky’s the only one of our friends who  _ hasn’t  _ wished violence against him at one point or another.” 

“What, that guy?” Sam jerked his thumb over his shoulder at Bucky, who had found solace enough to smile brightly at the tiny spider he had just picked up from his knee and allowed to climb over his hand.  “Nah. Takes a lot to get him mad at someone.” 

Sam parked the car, but before he turned it off, he looked back into the rear-view mirror and asked, “Isn’t that your car in the bay behind us?” 

Steve turned his neck over his shoulder to look properly.  He gave a heavy sigh as his shoulders dropped in defeat. “Yes…” 

“You want us to go home or somethin’?” 

Steve was silent as he pondered things.  He looked at Bucky, feeling a bit lighter at the relaxed expression his friend was donning.  “You want to go in, Buck…?” 

“I’m ready, Steve…” Bucky whispered.  

Steve nodded.  He turned back to Sam now.  “It’s okay. We’re already here.  Just… If you see them, let’s not get their attention.” 

Sam, who was always so willing to follow Steve anywhere, nodded.  He got out of the car and tended to Bucky, coaxing him out to stand with them so he could adjust to being out of his house.  

Steve clapped Bucky on the shoulder.  “I’m proud of you, Buck. Just think of it being like when you go and see T’Challa for physiotherapy.” 

Bucky hummed, but he didn’t look any more comfortable than he had ten seconds ago.  Regardless, he allowed his friends to take him into the busy mall. They’d managed to get cat food for Bucky’s cat, and some new clothing and shoes for Bucky as well since everything he owned was old and ragged by this point.  With a quick return to the car to put their bags inside, they then went back to their shopping. 

They really hadn’t been there for long, but Bucky was getting more and more comfortable in his own space close to his friends.  Steve wished it could stay that way, but of course, just when Bucky had started to smile now, the world had to come crashing down on them in the form of a cleaning cart in the food court tipping over and smashing all of the dirty dishes that had yet to be returned for cleaning. 

Sam cursed their luck as his attention focused on his two friends; of  _ course  _ it had to happen  _ just  _ as they were passing through…  It wouldn’t have been so bad if it were just one of them with him - but the  _ both  _ of them?  Sam reached out to put his hand on top of Steve’s now-trembling one as he quickly assessed the situation to see who to tend to first.  

“Let me help him.” 

Sam turned around at the familiar voice.  Under normal circumstances, to see Thor quickly approaching, he may have argued  _ against  _ his presence - but at least, if Thor could pull himself together to keep Steve safe, he could work on calming Bucky before he had a meltdown.  “He’s in flashbacks, Thor; be careful with him.” 

Thor nodded.  Behind him, Peter watched on warily.  Sam had to wonder if Peter had ever seen Steve have a PTSD attack, because Steve had come so far in his recovery, they were a rarity these days.  

Thor moved his hands out slowly in front of him, taking steps so slow, he felt like he wasn’t even moving.  “Steven… Steven, you are  _ safe _ .  Look at me, sweetheart…” 

From where Peter stood, he didn’t understand why no one was helping Bucky.  His first instinct was to go to Steve and hug him until he stopped crying, but Bucky looked so scared and lonely, and it hurt to see.  He stepped forward. “Bucky…?” 

“Peter, stay away from him!” Thor ordered.  He pressed his hand to the back of Steve’s head to keep his face hidden against his chest.  Peter was taken aback by the demanding attitude he thought Thor had grown out of, but regardless, he stayed put.  

“But, Thor, I just -” Peter was cut off by Sam’s own yell, but he understood why Thor had seemed so upset with him when a security guard had approached Bucky and ended up being thrown into a table. 

Peter was scared.  Honestly, genuinely scared as he saw the fear and the anger and the  _ pain  _ all mixed together on Bucky’s face as he let out an agonised scream and punched his hand through a window.  The fact that the food court had erupted into screams and chaos didn’t help anyone, and Peter backed away when both Sam and Thor left Steve’s side to try and contain Bucky.   Peter didn’t think Bucky even recognised them with how ferociously he tried to fight them away and continue on his rampage of tearing up the food court, and that was probably the most frightening thing of all.  

“Steve…” Peter crept to Steve’s side now, cautious of his husband in case Steve turned on him, too.  But Steve didn’t; he continued standing where he was, trembling as he sobbed his heart out and stared blankly ahead.  “Steve…!” 

But Steve didn’t seem to acknowledge Peter - rather, he  _ couldn’t  _ acknowledge Peter, and it wasn’t until the police and paramedics arrived and Bucky was sedated could Peter feel safe.  He stayed with Steve, his arms wrapped around his husband tight as he watched with his own teary eyes as Bucky was loaded onto a stretcher and taken away.

“Will you please assess my husband, too?” Peter heard Thor say.  “I am afraid the constant noise will have worsened his trauma attack.” 

Peter let out a yelp when he felt himself being pulled away from Steve.  “Steve…!” 

“Shh…” Thor came over to Peter now, pulling him into his arms and away from the paramedic who had separated his husbands.  Peter felt himself cry again at the blood on Thor’s face he hadn’t noticed until now. “They are just checking Steven over to make sure he will be okay.” 

“W-what happened, Thor…?” Peter’s voice was trembling, but he didn’t care; after what he’d just seen…

Thor shook his head, not minding as Sam came to stand by their sides.  “James slipped into a trauma attack. What you just saw… Do not hold it against him, Peter; he was  _ scared _ .” 

“Scared…?” 

Sam was the one to explain things.  “He wasn’t in his right mind; he thought he was going to be hurt, so he lashed out first.  It’s  _ not  _ his fault; it’s called PTSD, and  _ a lot  _ of soldiers suffer that.  Steve does, too.” 

“Oh…” Peter frowned.  “...Steve says I have PTSD…” 

A sympathetic frown of his own crossed Sam’s face.  He put his hand on Peter’s shoulder and squeezed. “Trust me…  It’s much more common than you realise. And it’s  _ nothin _ ’ to be ashamed of.” 

Peter sighed.  He looked at Steve, feeling sick at the way he watched paramedics smother Steve in their attention.  He looked back to Thor and Sam. “Is Steve gonna be okay?” 

Sam nodded and gave a gentle smile.  “He will be, Peter. He’ll get through this.  He always has.” 

“He’s done this before…?” 

“When Steven and I first started dating, he would suffer the attacks almost daily.  It was… so hard to see…” Thor’s shoulders deflated with a heavy sigh. “It seemed like every little thing would set him off - even if I so happened to move too quickly, or raised my hand to high.  It was very difficult for me - more so for Steven… And much more for James, as I could never meet him until several years after we started to date. James could not be around anyone but Steven.” 

Peter didn’t know how to respond.  He stayed silent and stared at his lap so he could ponder everything he’d been told.  He listened to the paramedics that had come to their sides to talk to Thor, and he didn’t look up again until they’d left and Thor was squeezing his hand.  

“Samuel, I will take Steven home,” Thor murmured.  

“You sure?  I don’t mind taking care of him,” Sam replied. 

“No, I am very worried him.  I just want to make sure he will be okay since he will not want me with him.” Thor tugged at Peter’s hand.  “Peter, we will get Steven and take him back to James’ home. Come on.” 

Peter didn’t protest, but he didn’t speak either.  He watched in silence as Thor wrapped his arm around Steve and helped him out to the car.  Peter stood, feeling like he could cry at how lifeless Steve seemed as he allowed Thor to hold him as he helped him into the front passenger seat of the Lexus.  Steve looked so tired, so worn down, and Peter just couldn’t understand it. 

Peter never asked about it until they were almost at Bucky’s.  “What happened… to make Steve and Bucky so sad, Thor…?” 

Thor glanced at Steve.  He let out a sigh when he found his husband, pressed against the window as he slept.  He hoped Steve wouldn’t wake. “They were in the army, Peter. Do not talk about it to Steven; he hates to think about it.”

“I won’t say anythin’, Thor,” Peter promised.  

Thor nodded.  He took a moment to steady his thoughts.  “...I think… almost losing James was not the worst part for Steven.  They saved lives, but they… They could not save everyone. Sometimes I think that perhaps it is something Steven thinks about every day, even if he will not admit it.  Maybe he does not even realise it himself; I do not know. But I was there for when his trauma was at its worst; he could not even sleep at night without waking up screaming.  He was a very different person back then, Peter. I think what happened… has changed them both in some ways.” 

“Bucky said he almost lost his arm with what happened.  And that he got shot. Is that true?” 

“Yes.  They both got shot.  You will not notice Steven’s scars unless you are know they are there and are  _ searching  _ for them.  Sometimes I am not sure if Steven even remembers that, or if he has blocked it out completely.  I do not know too greatly the detail about James… but from what I have gathered, his arm came  _ very  _ close to being amputated.  It had become severely infected by the time they had been found.”

“...”

Thor fell silent for a few moments before he murmured, “...And this is the part where I truly know very little… because it is something I have never known Steven to speak about with  _ anyone.” _

Peter gulped.  He prepared himself.  “...”

“...From what I understand…  And by understand, I mean I have read Steven’s papers without his knowledge.  But James came very,  _ very  _ close to dying because Steven could not stop their enemies from taking James.  From what I have read, Steven went after them on his own, even when he was already so terribly injured.  It almost killed the two of them, but they were rescued just in time.” 

“What happened to Bucky when he got taken…?”

“I do not know for sure, but I believe him to have been abused.  From everything Steven had told me about James, meeting him for myself for the first time…  James cowering and flinching at me did not seem like the same confident, courageous young man I had been told about…” 

“Steve went through all that…  And he’s still so strong, Thor?” Peter would have been in awe if the situation was different.  “Like… Even with all that, he still came after me to get me from my dad…?”

Thor nodded.  “Steven… is truly the person who has my utmost respect.  ...Even when I was so terrible to him…”

“I really respect him, too, Thor,” Peter promised.  “And Bucky. Really respect them now that I heard this.”

Thor smiled.  “Please do not bring it up with either of them, Peter; it is something they are happy not thinking about.” 

“I won’t, Thor.  I get it; I hate talkin’ ‘bout my dad, so I… I get it, man.”

Thor smiled.  He reached into his pocket and pulled his phone out to pass to Peter in the back.  “Will you please text Loki and ask him how Mary is doing?”

“‘Kay.  Are we gonna go get her again?”

“Tonight we will.  Loki quite enjoys spending time with his niece; I really hope you do not mind…” 

“Nah, man; I don’t mind,” Peter promised.  “Why would I mind? She’s not mine.” 

Thor hoped his uncomfortable silence wasn’t telling.  He was relieved when Peter continued on. 

“Is Loki really your brother?”

“My adopted brother, yes.”

“Does that mean Mary is really his niece?”

“To me, yes.  I always have and always will think of Loki as my brother, regardless of the blood in our veins,” Thor swore.  “Mary is Loki’s niece as far as I am concerned, and anyone who tells him otherwise has to speak to me.”

“You love your brother.”

“I do.  He means the world to me, Peter,” Thor murmured.  “My family always comes first - unfortunately, I was too silly to see past blood ties and realise what Hela was truly like…”

The car fell silent again, until Thor had stopped in Bucky’s driveway.  He reached out to shake Steve awake. 

“Steven…  Steven, wake up.” Thor waited until Steve was roused before he got out of the car and moved to open the passenger side door.  “Sweetheart, we are home.”

Steve gave a tired sigh.  He didn’t protest when Thor wrapped his arms around him again and almost carried him into the house; he waited until he’d been seated on the couch before he grabbed Thor’s wrist and mumbled, “Is Bucky okay…?”

“He has been taken to the hospital, and I believe they are holding him for psychiatric observation,” Thor explained tenderly.  He brushed Steve’s cheek with his fingertips, hating to see the heartbreak on his husband’s face. 

“I failed him.  Again…” Steve squeezes his eyes shut tight.  “I need to go to him; he must be so scared there on his own…!” 

“You need to take care of  _ you, _ ” Thor murmured.  “Please. You  _ know  _ how exhausted your attacks make you, and James will be well taken care of.” 

“No, he -“ 

“- Steven.” Thor took both of Steve’s hands in his and squeezed tightly.  “I will go see James for you. I will tell you how he is doing. I promise.  But please… Take this moment to  _ rest _ .”

“He didn’t even  _ want  _ to leave the house, and I made him anyway…” Steve chewed at his lip. 

“Steven…  You were being a  _ good friend _ ,” Thor reassured.  “Just as you are a  _ good husband _ .  You take care of James, just as you take care of Peter.  Because you hate people hurting. But you… You hurt more than everyone you try to care for.  You took James out because otherwise he cannot leave his home on his own and you want him to experience life again.  Just as you would always care for Peter and make him feel welcomed and loved in our home. You hold everyone up… But sometimes…  You need to do the same for  _ you _ .  Now please.  Get some rest.  I am sure Peter will stay with you if you want him to.”

Steve shook his head.  “I’m tired, Thor…”

“And that…” Thor reached out to pull the blanket down from the back of the couch and drape it over Steve, “...is why you need to let  _ me  _ check on James.  Please give me this chance to prove to James that I am no longer the man he always thought I was.  I know I have not been the best to James in the past… But the jealousy and insecurity is not in me, Steven.  I  _ trust  _ you spending time with James.  I trust you to be  _ faithful  _ to me.  I am sorry I ever made you and James feel like I could not trust you both to not sleep with each other behind my back.” 

Steve sniffed.  “Bucky doesn’t trust you, Thor.”

“I know.  But he knows I do not wish to hurt him, and I am sure he just wants  _ someone  _ with him.” Thor kissed Steve’s head.  “I love you, Steven. With all my heart.  Please let me do this; I want only for you to take care of yourself.” 

It took a while, but eventually, Steve bowed his head in defeat.  “Tell him I will be to see him once I have slept.” 

“I will,” Thor promised.  “I love you.”

Steve didn’t reply back to those words; he just tugged the blanket tighter around him and laid down so he could sleep. 

  
  



	22. Chapter 22

“Thor?  Steve says he wants to come home tomorrow.” Peter bounced on his heels as he clutched Steve’s phone tight to his chest.  He tried to be quiet so he didn’t wake Mary up, but it was hard to contain his excitement. 

From where Thor sat in the study, on a chair beside Mary’s cot as he carefully removed the bottle teat from between her lips, he frowned.  He shifted uncomfortably, and when he saw Peter falter in his joy, he sighed. “It is Steven’s home… I will ask Loki if I can stay with him for a while.” 

“What?” Peter took a few steps closer.  He shook his head. “But, Thor… I want you to stay…!  And I thought you  _ wanted  _ Steve to come home…” 

“I  _ do, _ ” Thor promised.  “But I do not know if Steven would want me around, and I do not wish to make things upsetting for him, so I -” 

“- Stop bein’ stupid, man…!” Peter whimpered.  “Steve doesn’t care; he’s  _ told  _ me already!  If he didn’t want you here, he’d have said somethin’ to me, Thor…   _ Stay _ …!” 

Thor remained silent until he had stood and laid Mary down in the cot.  He dragged the blankets over her and tucked her in before he moved to Peter’s side and took him downstairs for the night.  Finally, once they were out of earshot of Mary, he murmured, “Steven has been talking about me, Peter…?” 

“Yeah, he has,” Peter promised.  He unlocked Steve’s phone and scrolled through all of the messages sent from Bucky’s number so Thor could see for himself.  “He wants to give you one last chance - ‘cause you looked after Bucky for him when Steve wasn’t well.” 

Thor hummed in contemplation.  “...” 

“He’s been talkin’ about comin’ home for a few weeks now since he got better again,” Peter explained.  “He said Bucky told him you were good with him while he was at the hospital and made him feel safe when he was so scared, and that made Steve real happy ‘cause he loves Bucky so much.” 

Thor took the phone so he could look through the messages himself.  He felt his eyes well with tears as he realised Steve had become more and more interested in him and how he was doing, and to see Peter talking so highly about him… 

Thor wiped at his eyes.  “I will stay, Peter. ...As long as Steven wants me here, too.” 

“He does, man,” Peter promised.  “Can I go spend the night with him again?  He said he misses me.” 

“Peter…” Thor grabbed Peter by the shoulders and squeezed.  “He is our  _ husband _ .  You need not ever ask permission to go and see him.  You just ask me to take you to him.”

Peter nodded.  “Then… Can you drive me, please?”

Thor smiled now.  He nodded before he kissed Peter’s cheek.  “Of course I will, sweetheart. Are you ready?” 

“Wait, I gotta get Groot and my raccoon.” Peter scurried away, and Thor took the opportunity to go back upstairs and wrap Mary up in the warmest blanket he had for her so he could take her back downstairs. 

Mary didn’t wake, even when Peter traded his belongings for his daughter and Thor passed her over to Peter so he could hold her until they got to the car.  He put her into her car seat and belted her in, softly requesting Thor to check over the restraints and be sure he had done it properly, and with Thor’s assurance that everything was correct, they got into the front and started the drive to Bucky’s. 

“I really hope Steve comes home tomorrow.” Peter fiddled with the radio stations to pass the time.  “I want him to meet Mary.”

Thor smiled.  “I am sure he would like to meet her, but please understand that he might not want to take a parental role, Peter.  I am sure he would like to help out with her, but she is not Steven’s, and I worry about how well he will accept her.”

“I thought you said he likes kids.” Peter frowned. 

“He does, Peter.  He does. And he  _ did  _ want kids with me, but…  Hmm, he must feel so left out at knowing she is not his in any way.” 

“She’s not mine in any way either, but I still like her,” Peter reminded. 

Thor closed his eyes briefly as his throat tightened.  “Peter… Mary is - I… You  _ accept  _ her as your own, Peter; that is all that matters.  I am more than willing to think of Steven as her father, but…  That is for Steven to decide.” 

Peter nodded.  “I kinda wish I had my own kid now.  But I don’t wanna ever have sex with a girl ever again now.  ...Makes me a bit sad to think about…”

Thor chewed at his lip.  He reached out to take Peter’s hand and squeeze.  “You have Mary, Peter. And if you ever want another child, I would love to adopt.  But it depends on what Steven wants, too. I have always wanted a family but as soon as I agreed to date Steven, I accepted that it may never be able to happen, so I do not mind.” 

Peter nodded.  He picked up his raccoon plushie and hugged it tight.  “Thor… I dreamt about Rocket again last night… Do you think he’s happy, wherever he is?” 

“I am sure he is,” Thor didn’t hesitate to reply.  “He is eating lots of corn and chewing on door frames, just like he loved to do.”

Peter smiled now, and Thor saw his shoulders relax.  “Okay.”

A comfortable silence fell now, each content the other’s presence.  When Thor parked the car in Bucky’s driveway, he learnt over and pulled Peter into a deep kiss. 

“I love you, sweetheart,” Thor promised once they’d broken away.  He extended his arms to hug Peter tight. “I love you so much.”

“I love you, too,” Peter assured.  “I gotta say goodbye to Mary.” 

Thor waited patiently until Peter had hugged Mary, pecked her forehead goodbye, and gotten his things from the front before he left to return home.  Peter himself took an excited breath as he looked around his darkened surroundings and focused on the acknowledgement that he was about to see Steve and Bucky again.  

“Oh…” 

There was one thing that stopped Peter, though.  His eyes caught sight of his car, still sitting in Bucky’s driveway since the day he’d smashed it up running away.  The last time he’d been at Bucky’s, he’d seen it out of the living room window, the side of it still scratched and dented.  But now, as he stood out on the grass and stared, the car looked as nice as it had the day it had been delivered to him. 

“Steve?” Peter continued his way into the house.  He knocked on the door, entering when he was told to come in, and once he was standing in the middle of the living room, he pointed out of the window and asked, “What happened to my car?” 

From where both Steve and Bucky sat on the couch, Steve shoved Bucky’s shoulder playfully before he gave a dramatic sigh and drawled, “I told Bucky not to, but he couldn’t resist fixing it for you.”

Bucky snorted and shoved Steve back, though he didn’t speak.

Steve squeezed Bucky’s shoulder in acknowledgement before he turned his attention back to Peter.  “But no more running away in it, Peter. I mean it. You could have killed yourself.” 

Peter nodded.  He put his belongings down on the coffee table and moved to take a seat on the couch with the other two.  “I know, Steve… I’m sorry I did that. I won’t do it again; I promise.” 

Bucky reached out to brush hair behind Peter’s ear, but still, he didn’t speak.  Steve had already told Peter how quiet Bucky had been for the few days he’d been out of the psychiatric hospital, and Peter didn’t push; he remembered only too clearly the overwhelming anxiety that drowned him without reprieve back when he wouldn’t talk, too.  

“Are you really gonna come home tomorrow, Steve?” There was a wistful tone in Peter’s voice.  He dropped his head to Steve’s shoulder and snuggled in close. “I’ve really missed you…” 

“I will, as long as Buck will be okay here on his own,” Steve promised.  “He’s doing a bit better since… Since what happened in town. He just needs someone with him to get him through it.” 

Peter nodded in understanding.  He turned from Steve to Bucky now, wrapping his arms tightly around Bucky’s torso and snuggling in against him instead.  “Bucky… Do you wanna talk about it?” 

Bucky shook his head.  He tried to smile, but his lips did little more than twitch.  His lips parted, and his mouth moved wordlessly for three seconds before he shut his mouth again and looked away.  He leant into the hand that begun to stroke his hair, and when Peter planted a kiss on his temple, his shoulders loosened slightly.  

Steve was a little surprised by Peter’s actions, but he couldn’t say he was displeased.  Honestly, he was just glad that Peter seemed to have learnt an almost  _ normal  _ way at comforting someone rather than crying at someone else feeling bad.  

Steve stood up.  Mindful of the frailty Bucky had been displaying as of late, he murmured, “I am going to shower and then I might head to bed.” 

Bucky still didn’t speak.  Steve thought nothing of it; let Bucky have his quiet time and instead hugged him, and with a kiss to Peter’s lips, he farewelled them both and disappeared from the living room. 

Peter turned to Bucky again now.  He smiled, pressing his head under Bucky’s chin as he made himself comfortable.  “Can I tell you something?” 

Bucky stroked his calloused fingers through Peter’s hair as his way of answer.  “...” 

Peter tilted his head back to kiss Bucky’s chin.  “Thanks. I… I just wanna say… I know what it’s like.  Thinkin’ ‘bout stuff you don’t wanna. ...I do it, too. With my dad…  I know what it’s like. Since I got better from bein’ sick, the nightmares have been comin’ back…  So I get it, Buck. Do you think about it all the time, too?” 

It took Bucky a few moments to lick his lips and whisper, “Yeah…  If I’m alone… It’s why Steve always spends so much time with me; he knows that I…” 

Peter didn’t press about the way Bucky trailed off.  Instead, he murmured, “I wanna be a good friend… ‘Cause Steve was always so good to me, even when I was so bad to him…  But I’ve been workin’ on me with Thor ‘cause I told him I wanna be someone people can respect, too.” 

Bucky gave a soft chuckle.  “What are you talking about?   People already respect you.”

“Nah…  Not really.  I’m just…  _ me _ .  I wanna be like you and Steve.” 

The smile wiped from Bucky’s face.  Tenderly, he whispered, “You don’t want to be like me, Petey…  Steve, sure. ...But not me… I’m not anyone to idolise, Peter.  Steve is much more a hero than I could ever hope to be…” 

“Why do you think like that?  I’ve heard stuff… About how brave you and Steve are.  I wanna be like you guys.” 

“Brave?” Bucky shook his head.  “Not brave. A coward. At least, I was.  I got shot… Taken away… And all I could do was cry for Steve to come rescue me.  I killed people, Peter… I got people killed… Please don’t idolise me for that; I’m really  _ nothing  _ worth respecting.”

“...I had to kill my father…” Peter’s hands clenched at the memory as a shudder ran through him.  “...Before he killed me… When I’m on my own, I can’t stop thinkin’ ‘bout it… Can’t stop thinkin’ I’m a bad person…  But Steve promised it’s alright and what I did was to protect me. And I trust Steve, Bucky. I’m sure he’d tell you the same thing.” 

Bucky sighed.  He lowered his head.  “We don’t… talk about what happened.  It’s like an unspoken rule, yet we always seem to know when the other is thinking about it…” 

“‘Cause you guys are so close and  _ love  _ each other!” Peter cried.  “...I’m… I’m tryin’ to be like that…  I don’t want to be how I used to be. Even Thor is tryin’, and I…  I just… Sometimes I feel like I don’t try hard enough, or that I’m just being bad again.  But, Bucky, I - I really wanna be like you! You’re  _ cool _ !” 

“Cool…?” 

“Yeah.  Did I used to know you well before I got sick, Bucky?  ‘Cause if I didn’t, I missed out.” 

“...” 

“But I’m really glad I got to know you anyway, Bucky; I remember Steve always talkin’ ‘bout you but I didn’t think you’d be so  _ awesome  _ so I never really wanted to get to know you.  But you were so nice to Rocket and you liked him lots and made Rocket happy, and I -” Peter was gushing now, and he didn’t even realise.  Bucky waited until he’d calmed down before he finally replied.

“You really think all that of me…?” Bucky was so quiet, so uncertain.  “There’s not many people who… Most people don’t want to be around me. I wouldn’t have  _ anyone  _ if it wasn’t for Steve…” 

“But you got Sam and he likes you lots; I can tell,” Peter promised.  “And Charlie.” 

“Charlie…?” 

“Yeah.  Your friend, Charlie.” 

“...” 

“I think Steve said he’s a doctor or somethin’.” Peter hoped that was enough of a clue. 

“Oh.” Bucky let out a genuine laugh now.  “Oh, yeah. T’Challa. Okay, I have to admit they’re great friends, too.” 

Peter smiled now.  “See? You’re cool.  You’re my best friend after Rocket.” 

Bucky felt a little bad now.  He knew Peter had other friends he’d been  _ much  _ closer with before the cancer had gotten to him - but really, what could he do?  Peter clearly couldn’t remember them well enough, and he was only going by what he  _ could  _ feel and understand.  He forced himself to relax.  “Thanks, Petey… I like you plenty, too.” 

Peter grinned, and from there, they fell into a comfortable silence as they watched the TV play.  Peter was the one to speak again.

“Bucky?” Peter tilted his head back to look at Bucky.  

“Yeah?” Bucky brushed hair out of Peter’s eyes.  

“Do you think… something is wrong with me?  Because I dunno if I wanna have sex again or not.” 

“You’re fine, Peter; you do what is comfortable for you,” Bucky promised.

“...I’m just worried… Thor will make me have sex again if I keep him waiting much longer…” Peter sighed.

“Does he  _ make  _ you feel like you have to?” 

Peter shook his head.  “No… He hasn’t… We haven’t really talked ‘bout sex.  He hasn’t even tried havin’ it with me. But I’m just…  _ scared _ .  Confused…” 

“Confused because you think you’re  _ supposed  _ to be having sex?” Bucky wrapped his arms around Peter and held him close now.  He frowned when Peter nodded. “I don’t have sex. I don’t  _ want  _ sex.  With  _ anyone _ .  Maybe if I were in a serious relationship with someone I loved, and they wanted sex with me…  But I don’t want it, so I don’t have it, Peter. It’s fine. Some people just don’t want sex, and if you’re one of those people, that’s perfectly fine.” 

“You can be in a relationship without sex?” Peter quizzed.

“Yeah, of course.  It’s all emotional stuff in those relationships.  You always had a physical relationship with Thor, though.  And with Steve… I dunno. I don’t know what I’d call that relationship.  But you two have been so much better with each other, and that’s all I care about.” 

Peter nodded.  “I wanna be a good boyfriend…  I wanna do stuff with Steve… But I dunno if I wanna have actual sex.  I dunno if I want anyone touchin’ my penis after… After  _ her _ .” 

Bucky frowned in sympathy.  He wrapped his arm around Peter’s shoulders and held him as close as he could.  “Hey… Just… Just see what you’re comfortable with. You guys have got my bed; I…  I don’t mind if you guys do…  _ stuff  _ in it.  Steve won’t care if you don’t want to go all the way with him; he likes sex, but he doesn’t care if he has it or not.  He’s so good like that. He just wants an emotional bond. ...So… Try and bond emotionally with him, and all the rest will fall into place.  I promise.” 

Peter nodded.  He pecked Bucky’s chin once more before he gave a shy look.  “...I really like you so much, Bucky… You’re so great.” 

“Thank you,” Bucky murmured gently.  “But I can’t date you, Peter. I  _ can’t  _ hurt Steve like that.  I like you, too. But Steve is my best friend, and he  _ loves  _ you.  What we have… can’t go any further.  Alright? We’re just friends.” 

Bucky, who had always heard so much about Peter’s bad behaviour, had honestly expected for a bad reaction on Peter’s behalf.  But instead, he was given a calm smile as Peter nodded in understanding. “That’s okay, Bucky. I like just being with you anyway.”  

Bucky gave a relieved smile.  “Thank you. You’re a good friend to me.” 

Peter smiled pleasantly.  They fell into silence again for a little while longer until Peter yawned and gave a stretch.  He pecked Bucky’s chin again before he got up and stretched. “I’m gonna go to bed, Bucky. Goodnight.” 

“Goodnight, Peter.” Bucky watched him gather up his belongings and disappear down the hallway before he, too, stood up and turned the lights off and went to fetch a blanket so he could go to bed as well.  His cat came in from the kitchen and curled up against him on the couch, purring loudly as Bucky stroked his fingers lovingly through the white fur and found solace in his pet’s presence. With that, Bucky felt calm enough to leave the TV playing and close his eyes in order to try and drift off into sleep.  

In the bedroom, Steve had just gotten out of the shower and was drying himself off when Peter opened the door and peered inside.  He gave a smile. “Come in, Peter.” 

Peter’s face reddened at the sight of his husband’s bare body.  His eyes almost lingered on Steve’s flaccid length, hanging proudly beneath the neatly-trimmed patch of blond pubic hair.  He cleared his throat and forced himself to look into Steve’s face. Shyly, he mumbled, “I was, uh, goin’ to bed…” 

Steve chuckled.  He dropped his towel to the floor and grabbed his boxers from the end of the bed.  “Why are you being so shy all of a sudden, Peter? You used to be all over me when you walked in on me getting dressed.” 

Peter couldn’t help but laugh.  He wrung his hands together before he murmured, “Yeah…  But that was then. You’re too beautiful for me, Steve…” 

Steve’s eyes crinkled kindly as his smile grew.  “Thank you, Peter. You are gorgeous, too.” 

Peter relaxed at that.  He moved to the bedside table and carefully deposited Groot onto it before he pulled the blankets back and climbed in.  He clutched his raccoon plushie tight as he curled up beneath the blankets and laid on his side to watch Steve. 

“By the way.” Steve paused to smirk at Peter.  “Where’s your pyjamas?” 

Peter shrugged.  “Didn’t bring any.” 

Steve snorted. He joined Peter in bed just moments later after saying goodnight to Bucky, shirtless and with only his boxers to cover himself with.  He didn’t hesitate to pull Peter into his arms and kiss the back of his head once Peter’s back was against his chest. 

“I’ve missed you, Peter…” Steve’s purr rumbled against the nape of Peter’s neck.  “I love you.” 

“I love you, too.” Peter rolled over so he could press their chests together and nip at Steve’s chin.  He pulled away and murmured, “Bucky doesn’t have sex…?”

“No, he doesn’t.  Why?” Steve stroked Peter’s cheek, brushing hair from Peter’s eyes. 

“Then how does he… have a relationship?  Can it work for us, too?”

“He doesn’t have a relationship,” Steve clarified.  “He hasn’t been in a relationship since we were in our twenties.  He won’t date unless it’s someone he really loves, and he doesn’t think he’s found that yet.  Even if he  _ was  _ in a relationship, he won’t have sex, Peter.  He’s a cuddler; he’d much rather cuddle with someone than have sex.” 

Peter hummed thoughtfully. “Cuddle…?  Like what we’re doing now?” 

“Yes.  Emotions matter most to him in a relationship; he probably won’t ever have sex in his life, and he likes it that way.”

“But he…” Peter frowned.  “He watches…  _ stuff _ .”

“He does,” Steve agreed.  “He likes masturbation; not sex.” 

Peter nibbled at Steve’s chin instead for a few moments before he asked, “Would you be okay with that, Steve?  If… If we never had sex again.”

“Of course I would be; I didn’t marry you for  _ sex _ , Peter.” Steve brushed at Peter’s hair again.  “Why? Don’t you want sex anymore?”

“...I’m not sure.  Bucky told me to… to try stuff and see how it goes.” 

Steve kissed Peter’s temple and pulled him in close.  “Only if  _ you  _ want to.  I don’t care if you never want to again, Peter.  I promise. I’m not like that. I’m not  _ Thor _ .” 

They fell into silence for a few moments as Peter wriggled uncomfortably in Steve’s arms.  Peter gave a loud sigh. “Steve… I  _ wanna  _ do stuff with you…  I just… feel stupid ‘cause I feel like I dunno how to tell you anymore…” 

Steve almost choked on a laugh.  He rubbed Peter’s cheek with the pad of his thumb as he teased lightly, “Are you sure about that?  If we go through Bucky’s phone right now, I guarantee three nights in the past week alone where you’ve messaged me and told me you’re hard.” 

Peter’s face flushed with embarrassment.  “S-shut up…! That’s different, Steve!” 

Steve’s smile was gentle, and his voice even kinder.  “It’s really not, though, Peter. Just tell me how you feel.  You have  _ nothing  _ to be embarrassed over.” 

Peter hesitated, but finally, he nodded.  “Okay…” 

Peter snuggled in closer.  He closed his eyes and let out a relaxed sigh at the feeling of Steve’s fingers massaging his head.  Steve closed his own eyes, tired, yet willing to stay awake in case Peter needed him. 

Finally, Peter mumbled under his breath.  Steve hummed, forcing his eyes open despite having almost drifted off into sleep.  “Sorry, Peter…?” 

Peter’s fingers twitched, and hesitantly, he reached out to grab Steve’s hand and slowly place it onto his groin.  “...Said… I wanna feel you… t-touch me…” 

Steve smiled.  He fought away his sleepiness as he massaged his fingers into Peter’s bulge, rubbing his palm gently into it and encouraging it to grow hard beneath his touch.  “Peter… You tell me to stop, whenever you need me to. No matter what. Okay? I don’t want you uncomfortable.” 

Peter licked his lips.  “‘Kay…” 

Steve kissed the side of Peter’s neck.  “Thank you. I love you.” 

“I love you, too…” Peter breathed.  He pressed himself closer against Steve, but in doing so, he also angled his legs out across the bed and spread them a little to give Steve more room.  He hesitated, but he managed to get his hands to his belt and undo it so he could kick his jeans off and abandon them beneath the blankets. 

Steve’s fingertips danced against the base of Peter’s arousal as he pressed his mouth to Peter’s neck and nibbled.  He wrapped his hand firmly around Peter when he received a moan in response, mumbling against Peter’s warming neck before biting down harder and sucking. 

Peter moaned again, this time a little louder, but still just enough for Steve’s ears only.  He twisted beneath Steve’s ministrations, closing his eyes and focusing on the sensations Steve worked hard to bring him.  “Steve…” 

Steve pulled his mouth away from Peter’s neck.  He kissed Peter’s temple once more before he murmured, “Yes?” 

Peter let out a pleased sigh.  He opened his eyes again to look at Steve’s face and whisper, “I feel safe with you doin’ this, Steve…” 

Steve couldn’t help but give a bright smile.  He cupped Peter’s cheek with his free hand and kissed his lips with as much as love and passion as he could for such a tender action.  He pulled his lips away and brushed the corner of Peter’s mouth with his thumb as he whispered, “I would never hurt you like this, Peter…   _ Never _ .” 

Peter licked his lips.  “I know, Steve… I know.” 

Steve tightened his grip on Peter’s arousal slightly in response.  He rubbed his thumb over the tip of Peter’s head, not surprised to feel that there was no pre-cum; just because Peter felt safe with Steve, didn’t mean the mental damage was healed.  It might  _ never  _ heal, and Steve would have to adjust to that and learn how to work around the scarring instead.  

Peter closed his eyes again and reached out to grip at Steve’s shoulders.  His fingers dug in tightly, and after taking a deep breath, he mumbled, “I don’t wanna be the only one without clothes, Steve…” 

Steve chuckled.  He pulled away and sat up so he could undress, seeing from the corner of his eye as Peter pulled his own shirt from over his head and tossed it away.  Once they were both free of their clothing, Steve leant to the side so he could open the bedside drawers and rummage through them. 

“What are you lookin’ for?” Peter pulled the blanket over him as he laid back down and waited patiently for Steve to return to him. 

“Lube.  You have no pre-cum; usually you have more than what’s normal and I just use that so I don’t rub you raw and chafe you,” Steve murmured.  

Peter nodded.  He adjusted his pillow to make himself more comfortable as he watched Steve.  “Is there any?” 

“There was last night when I used it,” Steve promised.  As an afterthought, he added, “Unless Bucky used the last of it.  I’m sorry, Peter. Do you want me to keep going?”

Peter nodded.  “You can keep lookin’; I don’t mind waitin’.” 

Steve found the lubricant shortly after, tucked away behind the box of tissues at the back of the drawer. He picked the bottle up and uncapped it, chuckling as he saw how little oil was left inside.  “Bucky has been here, Peter. This was half-full when I used it last night.” 

Peter laughed softly.  “Steve? ...May I do it?” 

Steve didn’t question the sudden hesitance.  He passed the bottle over and watched Peter spill what was left over his hand.  He licked his lips as his eyes focused on Peter stroking himself now; it’d been so long, and Steve was  _ really  _ starting to realise just how much of a sexual creature he truly was at how much he’d been masturbating as of late.  

Steve was starting to think Peter was going to get himself off as he watched.  Just as he thought about saying something and gently bringing the attention back around to him, he felt his hand being grabbed and moved back to Peter’s arousal.  Their eyes met, and Peter looked at him with a need Steve wasn’t sure he’d seen in his husband before. 

Steve spread his legs and patted the space between them welcomingly.  “Come here.” 

Peter scooted closer so he could sit close to Steve.  He closed his eyes and groaned softly as Steve’s hand stroked him, slowly, yet firmly.  

“Steve…?” Peter cracked open an eyelid to look at Steve once more.  “...Can you… play with my…?”

Steve put the unusual shyness down to Peter’s assault.  Gently, he took hold of Peter’s shoulders and laid him down on his back.  He hooked his arm beneath Peter’s leg and hoisted it to rest over his shoulder.

“There’s no lube left, so tell me if I’m hurting you,” Steve whispered.  With that, he rubbed the outside of Peter’s entrance, coaxing it to try and relax, but never doing more than dipping the tips of his fingers into the opening; he didn’t want to hurt Peter, not so soon after everything he had been through. 

Peter didn’t complain, though.  The single finger Steve eventually worked inside of him at snail’s pace came with a slight burn, but it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle.  He laid back and gripped the blankets tightly, groaning in the back of his throat as Steve took his time dipping his finger in and out. 

“Mmm…” Peter let out a content sigh.  “Steve… I wanna… try have sex…”

“We don’t have any lube,” Steve reminded gently.  “It will hurt you, Peter, and I don’t want to do that to you.” 

Peter hummed sadly.  “...Then… Can I be on top?  I’m lubed up…” 

Steve reached out and cupped Peter’s face tenderly.  His smile was so gentle, so loving and caring, Peter couldn’t help but feel himself relaxing at his husband’s proximity.  “Peter… You  _ never  _ have to ask to be on top.  You can do that whenever you want to - you  _ always  _ were able to.” 

Peter nodded.  He kissed Steve’s lips for a few moments before he trailed his mouth down Steve’s jaw, his neck, past his shoulder, and to his collarbone where he nibbled and sucked.  Steve kept them anchored together with his hands on Peter’s shoulders as he enjoyed the ministrations; Peter had never really tended to be intimate like this before, but Steve wasn’t going to complain; after so long by himself, it was nice to feel Peter’s mouth in such ways. 

Peter kept his mouth occupied with the flesh of Steve’s shoulder and neck now as he slid his hand between Steve’s legs and past his balls so he could press a single finger to his husband’s opening.  He pulled away from Steve’s adam’s apple he’d been nibbling in order to whisper, “What if I hurt you, Steve…? I’ve never… I’ve never done this before.” 

Steve chuckled.  “Then I will understand, Peter.  I’m sure that our first time sleeping together wasn’t exactly as enjoyable as it is these days.  It takes practise.” 

Peter hummed softly.  He nipped at Steve’s chin before he murmured, “It hurt more with Thor, Steve.  I always enjoyed sex with you. You’re gentle. It’s why I like you so much.” 

Steve smiled gently. He patted Peter’s head as he leant back to make the angle easier for Peter’s curious finger.  It had certainly been a while for him; he’d have to be sure Peter had prepared him properly before they could get any further.  “Your fingers are a little dry, Peter. Try not to be rough. And be careful of your nails so they don’t scratch me.” 

“‘Kay.” Peter was careful, so much so that by the time he added in the third finger, Steve felt loose, and Peter’s wrist was starting to ache from the angle.  “Are you ready, Steve?” 

“Sure.  Slow and steady, Peter.  Don’t force it in.” 

Peter nodded.  He pulled his fingers out and stroked himself twice more to make sure he was still wet.  He wasn’t as lubed as he knew Thor or Steve would be before entering, and he could only hope that he wasn’t going to hurt Steve by doing this.  “I’m sorry if I hurt you, Steve… I don’t wanna.” 

“I know,” Steve promised.  “Don’t worry so much; I can handle a bit of pain.  You’ll do fine.” 

Peter grasped himself firmly and lined up with Steve’s entrance.  He hesitated before he made the first push, watching as Steve’s tight muscles expanded and the head of his arousal slowly disappeared inside.  He moaned, from both the images and the new sensations he hadn’t thought would feel this nice to experience. 

Steve grimaced at a particularly hard thrust that created an unpleasant burn.  “Peter… Gentle.” 

“Sorry…” Peter grunted as he forced himself to slow down.  “I didn’t… It just felt good, Steve; I didn’t mean to thrust.” 

“Be careful; it’s been a long time for me,” Steve reminded.  He forced his body to relax, focusing now on the feeling of Peter still slipping inside of him.  He waited until Peter had buried himself all the way before he let out a content sigh and reached for Peter’s hips.  “Angle your hips for me now. ...Yeah, just like that. That’s good. That’s the angle I like with Thor.” 

Peter kept his hips how Steve wanted them, but still, he leant forward so he could kiss Steve as he gave him time to adjust.  He stayed still, moving only once Steve had tapped him on the hip in encouragement. He pulled out slowly, keeping their mouths connected as he watched  Steve’s face for any sign of pain. Steve didn’t show too much, maybe a bit of discomfort judging by his furrowed brows, but Peter had seen him look much more pained with Thor and still enjoy himself despite.  

“Am I doing it okay…?” Peter pressed his hips forward again, pushing in slowly until he knew if it was okay or not.  

“You’re fine, Peter; go faster,” Steve instructed.  “You’re not lubed properly, though. Be careful.” 

Peter did as he was requested, picking up the pace, but even so, he did his best to be as gentle as he could.  He moaned loudly as he came down to lean on his hands, hanging over Steve’s body as he thrust. He’d enjoyed being on the bottom, and he had never thought being on top could feel so good, too.  He was enjoying this, his moans and groans getting louder as his thrusts gained more and more speed.

“S-steve…” Peter panted as he became aware of the sound of their skin slapping together with every movement they both made.  “Steve, I think I’m gonna -” 

Steve recognised the signs of Peter’s approaching climax, so he prepared himself for it.  “It’s okay, Peter; it’s okay.” 

Peter’s body was tense, and his thrusts were becoming short and sharp as he felt deafened by his own panting and the heat in his abdomen and head.  He groaned loudly, his eyes squeezing shut as he felt his stomach coil, but when nothing came out, he cracked open his eyelids. “Steve… I didn’t come.” 

“Did you orgasm?” Steve reached out to touch Peter’s cheek when he received a shake of the head in response.  He frowned. “It’s okay. Try again, Peter.” 

Peter obeyed, continuing his thrusts as he chased after his climax.  Steve, however, laid back, and though he was meeting Peter’s every movement, Peter’s thrusts were too erratic to bring much pleasure.  There was pain, quite a bit of pain from the inadequate lubing provided, and not enough pleasure to make it worth it, but Steve cared more for Peter and the fact that he needed this to ease his scarring.  

“Shit…” Peter’s body tensed again, but still, Steve couldn’t feel Peter’s release inside him.  “Steve…!” 

Steve sighed.  Not out of annoyance, or anything like that; rather, he was concerned that perhaps the damage done was more than they’d realised.  “Keep trying, Peter. It’ll come out eventually.” 

Peter did as he was told, but he hadn’t been going for long before he stopped altogether.  Steve sighed again and tilted his head to see what was wrong. He frowned when Peter started pulling out completely.  

“I hurt you…” Peter’s mumble was so sad, so  _ guilty,  _ Steve felt bad himself.  “You’re bleeding…”

Steve had to think quick to keep Peter from blaming himself.  “Well… It’s my own fault for not stopping you. Don’t worry about it; it’s not bothering me.  How much blood is there?” 

“Just some specks…” Peter laid down beside Steve and snuggled in close.  “Sorry… I don’t wanna keep goin’; I just wanna lay with you.” 

Steve didn’t complain; he wrapped his arms tight around Peter and held him close.  “I love you.” 

“I love you, too…” Peter mumbled.  He kissed Steve’s chin again. “Sorry…  I hate hurtin’ you, Steve…” 

“It’s fine,” Steve promised.  “Just do me a favour? Get me a glass of water so I can take some painkillers?” 

Peter jumped at the request with a smile on his face now, as if he were glad just to be of use to Steve.  He dressed himself haphazardly before he left the room to go the kitchen. When he returned, Steve had already dug the painkillers out of the bedside drawers.  

“Steve?” Peter laid down again once he’d passed the water to Steve.  “...If you come home tomorrow… I want you to meet Mary.” 

Steve frowned for a few moments before he forced a smile onto his face for Peter’s sake.  He put his hand on Peter’s head and rubbed. “Of course I will, Peter… Of course I will… Now let’s go to sleep.  We’ll talk about it more in the morning.” 

Peter nodded.  “Okay. Goodnight, Steve.” 

“Goodnight, Peter.” Steve got out of bed to turn the lights off, and once he returned, he wrapped Peter up in his arms and held him tight, hoping that if he  _ did _ return home, things would be different, because he wasn’t sure he could go through all of that again.  

Well, at the very least…  At least Steve would know for sure what Thor was truly like.  

  
  
  



	23. Chapter 23

Steve shifted uneasily beneath Thor’s penetrating  gaze. He didn’t know why he felt so uncomfortable, so  _ guilty  _ when he  _ knew  _ he had done nothing wrong and was only sitting on his own couch in his own living room.  Thor didn’t  _ seem  _ suspicious, like he was accusing Steve of horrible things in his mind.  Instead, he seemed almost  _ curious _ , as if he just didn’t know how to ask Steve about what he was thinking. 

Steve was the one to break the uncomfortable silence between the four men in the living room.  “Why do you keep staring at me, Thor?” 

Thor cocked his head to the side.  His eyes darted over to Bucky, on the other couch with Peter pressed up against him and telling him about Mary.  Steve wondered briefly if perhaps he was looking too deeply into the action and Thor had really just been looking at Peter instead.  “You are not sitting comfortably. Is it sore for you to sit?” 

Steve chewed at the inside of his cheek.  The last thing he wanted to do was set Thor off in a rage and have it screamed at him that he had been sleeping around with Bucky.  “...” 

Thor’s eyes darted to Bucky - or Peter, Steve had to remember - again before he murmured kindly, “Would you like a heat pack or some painkillers, Steven?” 

Instinctively, Steve blurted out, “I haven’t slept with Bucky, Thor.  I  _ haven’t _ .” 

If Thor was startled, he didn’t show it.  Instead, he waved his hand dismissively and said, “Oh, I know, Steven.  I remember you telling me that James does not have sex.” 

Steve was the one taken aback.  He frowned deeply. “I told you that… over fifteen years ago, Thor…” 

“And I have always remembered,” Thor assured.  “I remember everything you tell me, Steven. Even if it does not feel like it.  I know you did not sleep with James.” 

Across from them, Bucky tensed and curled in on himself slightly.  His eyes were widened slightly, evidence of just how anxious he was about letting Thor back near Steve.  His tone was distant, yet the coldness was still there. “You tried keeping him from me and accused him of sleeping with me behind your back…” 

It was Thor’s turn to frown now.  He ducked his head. “...I know… I was stuck in my head, James.  I sincerely apologise for that; neither of you deserved to have my insecurities taken out on you both.” 

Bucky curled in on himself even more.  Steve was the one to respond. “Thor… And you, too, Bucky.  No more talking about that. I don’t want to think about it. I’m just trying to move on with my life.” 

Thor nodded in agreement, but Bucky mumbled under his breath and kept his head ducked.  Steve hoped Bucky wasn’t regressing again, but with how on edge he was acting, and how stressed he had been to almost  _ beg  _ Steve to let him come with them… 

Well, Steve didn’t have very high hopes that today was going to be a good day for Bucky. 

Thor changed the subject in an effort to ease the tension in the room.  “Mary is asleep, but she will wake up soon. Peter likes to feed her and play with her.”

Steve smiled, knowing how hard Thor  _ was  _ trying.  He turned to look at Peter now.  “Peter, may I please feed her? I haven’t fed a baby since…  Hmm, since I was still a kid myself.” 

Peter perked up at the request.  Excitedly, he babbled on about how happy he was and of course Steve could, but he wanted to sit with them and have Steve read out loud to him as he did so.  

The atmosphere relaxed more and more with every passing minute, to the point where even Steve and Thor seemed comfortable with each other’s presence, as if nothing had ever happened between them.  

All that changed, just moments after Steve had put the TV on and started flicking through channels.  What had been a nice, calming quiet turned into anxiety when Steve heard the quick rustling of clothing, followed immediately by a choked-off gasp.  He felt it in his stomach before he’d even seen it for himself - and the worst part was, he knew there wasn’t anything he could do except wait and hope that Bucky would decide to let go of Peter’s throat sometime soon.

“Don’t move, Peter…” Steve murmured.  His body sat rigid on the couch, his eyes trained on Bucky’s quivering fingers wrapped so tightly around Peter’s throat, there would be bruising by tomorrow morning.  From the corner of his eye, he could see the wildness in Bucky’s eyes, scared and confused and  _ lost _ .  The worst part of it all was being able to hear the laboured, panicky breaths that bordered on hyperventilation as Bucky gave snarls so soft, Steve wouldn’t have heard them if his senses hadn’t been so keenly trained during his time in the army.  “If you startle him, he’ll…” 

Thor was the one to get to his feet and approach Bucky, slowly, with his hands out in front of him to show how harmless he was.  His voice was soft, so incredibly soft, Steve wasn’t sure he’d ever heard Thor sound so gentle. Steve didn’t miss the way Bucky’s eyes flashed with more panic, but to his utmost relief, Bucky stayed frighteningly still, as if he still had some sort of control over his wariness, no matter how minute it was to be squeezing Peter by the throat.  “James… James… I know you are scared right now… But you are  _ safe  _ here.  You are  _ safe _ .” 

“Thor, don’t touch him,” Steve called, ready to get on his feet and wrestle Bucky to the ground if it came to that.  “He thinks you’re going to hurt him.” 

Thor shook his head at Steve’s words.  He said nothing, kept his eyes low to appear less threatening, and with all the speed of a turtle, he moved his hands to Bucky’s own, still squeezing against Peter’s throat.  His whisper was so quiet, so kind and understanding, Steve almost doubted this was the real Thor, after all. “James… Please let go of Peter’s throat… He did not mean to scare you, James; please let go of him...” 

It took a few more moments of gentle coaxing, of Thor’s hands on Bucky’s and hoping desperately that Bucky wasn’t going to do anymore than keep his hand there in a heartbreaking warning that he wasn’t afraid to do what he had to if he wasn’t left alone.  Finally, Bucky’s eyes flickered with the slightest bit of recognition, and his fingers twitched and loosened.

Thor said nothing more until Bucky’s hand had moved away, and Peter was choking and gasping for air as he rubbed at his sore throat.  Peter bounded away to hide behind Steve, but Thor… 

Steve wondered just where the hell Thor had learnt such gentleness from so quickly, because Thor had ever-so-slowly wrapped his arms around the now-trembling Bucky, rubbing the back of Bucky’s head and massaging his fingertips into his scalp.  He was whispering, shushing Bucky, holding him close and protecting him from all the horrors Bucky could never escape from in his mind, and Steve would have cried tears of joy and sadness if he didn’t have Peter to take care of right now.

“Thought I was gonna die…” Steve heard Bucky mumble into Thor’s shoulder.  “I just… I thought I was gonna die…” 

Steve didn’t listen to Thor murmuring back to Bucky.  Instead, he stroked Peter’s hair as he rubbed at the marks on Peter’s neck and wished them away before they bruised.  His whisper was full of concern. “Don’t touch his throat again, Peter; it sets him off.” 

Peter frowned.  He sniffed back tears.  “I didn’t… I didn’t know…” 

“I know you didn’t.  Please, don’t touch it again.  ...They  _ choked  _ him, Peter.  I  _ watched  _ them choke him, and I…  I don’t ever want him to have to remember that if I can help it.”  Steve wondered if maybe it was  _ him  _ who didn’t want the memories, but the thought didn’t last long; he locked it away in the deepest recesses of his mind where he sent everything he didn’t want to think about.  

Peter sniffed again.  “Steve…? I’m okay. I’m not scared of Bucky; I know he…  He was just scared. It’s okay.” 

Steve sighed.  “Just let him calm down, Peter; he gets very upset whenever things like this happen.  He hates hurting people. He… He’s just so gentle, Peter…”

Peter said nothing more; just sat and watched as Thor did his best to soothe the distress in Bucky.  

It was Steve who spoke again, as he pulled his phone from his pocket and murmured to Peter, “I’ll see if Sam can come around and look after him for a while…” 

Steve typed his text out, and Peter watched as Thor finally let go of Bucky to sit beside him. Peter looked back to Steve.  “I don’t get it…” 

Steve waited until he’d sent his message before he turned his attention to Peter.  “Get what?” 

“Why you both… are like this.” Peter cocked his head to the side.  “Why aren’t you angry and scared like Bucky? Why are you so  _ nice _ ?” 

“I’m nice because I’m  _ me _ ,” Steve snapped.  “ _ Bucky  _ is nice because he is  _ Bucky _ .  He’s scared and angry because sometimes he can’t swallow it down and hide it and try to fool himself into thinking he’s  _ normal _ .  But I  _ can,  _ Peter.  I  _ can,  _ and I  _ do _ .  I used to be _ worse  _ than he is.  I thought Thor was going to leave me because he’d get tired of re-plastering the walls so many times after I would punch them…  We are  _ damaged  _ \- not…  Not  _ monsters,  _ Peter!” 

Peter realised now how Steve had taken his question, and he wondered briefly just how Steve viewed himself - if  _ he  _ considered himself a monster, or if he… 

“I’m sorry…” Peter whispered, not knowing how to make up for what he had said.  “I didn’t…” 

“Don’t worry about it.” Steve’s reply was curt, but Peter recognised the pain in his husband’s eyes.  “It happens. We’re used to people seeing us that way, Peter. It’s the price you pay for what you have to live with after…” 

“Steve, I didn’t mean it like that!” Peter’s hands trembled as he reached out to grab Steve’s shirt and keep him from rising.  “I said it badly! I’ve  _ never  _ thought of you like that!” 

“I know you haven’t,” Steve promised.  He got to his feet and untangled Peter’s fingers from his jacket.  “I know you haven’t. Sometimes, Peter… Your worst enemy is yourself.” 

“Steve, I -” Peter got up to chase after Steve, but he stopped when Steve turned around and fixed him with a hard glare.  

“Stay here, Peter,” Steve said firmly.  “Sam will be here soon for Bucky. Let him in, please.” 

Peter watched helplessly as Steve disappeared from the living room and ascended the staircase, judging by the familiar creak the third step always made.  He looked to Thor with wide eyes not far from tearing up. Thor was looking back at him sadly.

“Peter.” Thor gestured his head to Bucky, who was now rocking back and forth on the couch, chanting under his breath as he stared with wide eyes unseeingly at the floor.  “May we trade?” 

Peter nodded.  He wasn’t scared of Bucky - especially not like this.  “Will you tell Steve I didn’t mean it…?” 

“He knows you did not,” Thor promised.  “It is  _ himself  _ he is upset with.” 

Nothing more was said as Peter moved to take Thor’s spot beside Bucky so Thor could go upstairs and check on Steve.  

Thor found Steve, standing in their bedroom as he rearranged the contents spilled across the desk into neat array.  He stayed by the bedroom door, not sure if Steve would want him in there or not. “Steven…?” 

“Come in.  Close the door.” Steve sounded almost calm,  _ too calm, _ as if the storm was only just beginning.  

Thor did as he was requested, and still, he made no attempt to move further into the room; just watched as Steve reorganised everything like it would solve all his problems to have their belongings placed just right - an old army habit mixed up with a coping mechanism, Thor knew.  “...” 

Steve said nothing until he’d ran his hands over the books in his bookshelf and made sure the spines were perfectly in line with each other.  His back remained turned to Thor, and again, there was a distance in his tone. “Peter called me a monster.” 

Thor frowned.  He moved closer now, his hands clenched by his sides as his mind swum with worry.  He bit back the correction he wanted to speak, to explain that Peter hadn’t intended to imply such matters and Steve had simply misconstrued - but Steve, so fragile-minded right now, was liable to think that Thor was only taking sides again and defending Peter from him.   “...” 

A bitter scoff left Steve’s throat at Thor’s silence.  He turned his head slightly to glance over his shoulder at Thor, but he didn’t let his eyes linger; he turned away again to fumble with the bed sheets and neaten them into something presentable.  “You agree with him, Thor?” 

“I do not,” Thor didn’t hesitate.  “I do  _ not _ .” 

Steve was silent for all of four seconds before he murmured, “You should…  You  _ would _ if you knew what happened.” 

Thor didn’t know what the best thing for him to do was.  He didn’t know if he should leave and let Steve work through this at his own pace, or if he should move to him to hold him tightly, or if he… 

There were so many options, and Thor didn’t know what one he was supposed to go with.  

“Steven…” Thor took a deep breath, and as kindly as he could, he offered, “If you would like to tell me what is on your mind…  I am sure my honest answer will remain as it just was.” 

“You wouldn’t want to hear it…” Steve mumbled.  “It’s… It’s not important.” 

“It is if it is hurting you,” Thor replied.  He hesitated, but he took three steps forward before he forced himself to stop incase Steve didn’t want him there.  “You have… been in a lot of pain lately, Steven. I have noticed. All this pain… has been haunting you. I would like to help.” 

“You could never want me if you knew,” Steve argued in a harder tone, as if he were so convinced of his own words, it was painful to argue his point.  

“Well…  At the very least, I would like the chance to tell you I will  _ always  _ want you,” Thor whispered.  “If it hurts you this much… I would like to know what is on your mind.” 

Steve bent down to pick up Peter’s dirty shirt from the bedroom floor.  He deposited it gently into the clothing basket, staying silent for a few moments more before he murmured, “When I told you… we had been rescued quickly.  I lied to you. I lied to you about  _ a lot _ , Thor.” 

Thor shook his head.  He finally closed the distance between them so he could pull Steve into his arms and hold him, not tightly like he wanted to, but just enough for him to feel his presence.  He dragged his fingers through Steve’s hair and whispered, “I know, sweetheart. I read your files.” 

Steve frowned.  His eyes flickered as they searched Thor’s for the tiniest bit of dishonesty.  “Why did you never say something? If you knew I was lying to you…” 

“Because what you told me did not matter as long as you were telling me what you needed to get off your chest, Steven,” Thor whispered.  “I know what it is like to need to tell a half-truth because the full truth is too painful… What you told me that was not the truth… It did not matter.  All that mattered was you  _ healing _ .  You did not need to have your past dragged up and re-lived, Steven.  Despite what I was like when I would get mad over feeling like you were hiding things from me, this was the one thing I respected you wanted to keep quiet.  I understood it must have been traumatic, and I would never have hurt you like that, sweetheart. It was never relevant to our relationship; it was traumatic - not  _ intimate _ .  I waited for you to be ready to tell me what  _ really  _ happened - and if you never did…  I could live with that, Steven. It was never that kind of important.” 

Steve closed his eyes and leant into the soft touch against his cheek.  He let out a heavy sigh, and Thor saw his face age twenty years in that moment.  “...I just need someone to talk to about this…”

“If you would like to talk to me about it, I am right here,” Thor promised.  “We will lay down in bed and talk, like we used to when we were younger.” 

Steve let out a single sob, but he didn’t argue.  He followed Thor to the bed and laid down, curling in against his husband’s chest and soaking in the warmth he had missed for so long.  “...” 

Thor remained patient, stroking Steve’s head as he waited for Steve to be ready to talk to him.  “...” 

Finally, Steve whispered, “I think it was a week…  At least a week.” 

Thor nodded patiently, letting Steve spill at his own pace.  “...” 

“They were killing our own soldiers.” Steve swallowed thickly at the memory.  “Prisoners of war… They had a lot of them. They -” 

Thor frowned when the bedroom door opened and Peter’s head poked in.  “Peter, Steven and I are talking. I will be downstairs shortly.” 

Peter’s hands were wringing nervously in front of him as he frowned.  “But, Thor… Sam is here, and he’s bein’ mean to me.” 

Thor gave a heavy sigh.  His fingers still played with Steve’s hair as he realised he felt so caught in the middle right now, this was surely how Steve had felt so often.  He frowned as he looked between his husbands, wanting so badly to give Steve all his attention - but he couldn’t leave Peter… Wearily, he asked, “What is he doing?” 

“Nothin’...” Peter’s frown grew.

Thor felt agitation build.  He wouldn’t have minded had Steve not been in such a way, but right now…  “Then how is he being mean to you when he is doing nothing, Peter? Please wait for me downstairs.” 

“He’s bein’ mean  _ ‘cause  _ he’s doin’ nothin’,” Peter tried to explain.  His eyes glanced nervously at Steve, seeing how exhausted Steve appeared to be, but he couldn’t stop himself; his anxiety only mounted further until he was so rigid with stress, he feared he would spill with anxiety with no regard to Steve’s feelings any second now.  “I want to be with Bucky, but Sam took him from me, and I… I don’t know if I’m welcome with Sam, Thor.” 

“Peter.” Thor’s tone was firm.  “I love you. I really do. But Steven needs me right now and I cannot tend to him and you at the same time.  Please go and make a new friend on your own and show Steven and I how independent you are. Samuel  _ will not  _ be mean to you.  You are  _ allowed  _ to sit with him and James.  Now please. Go wait for me downstairs.” 

Peter’s shaking grew worse as his eyes flickered back to Steve again.  He gave a stiff nod and licked his lips. “Sorry, Steve…” 

Thor waited until Peter had left before he kissed Steve’s forehead and whispered, “I am sorry, Steven.  You were telling me it had been a week.” 

Steve nodded.  “At least a week…  But I really think it was a lot longer.  After they took Bucky from me, I… I tracked them down.  Their base wasn’t too far away from where we got separated.  I got in. I was still bleeding; I was sure I was going to die before I even found him again, Thor…” 

Thor nodded as he listened carefully to the information provided.  He rubbed his thumb against Steve’s cheek, wiping away the stray tear that fell.  “...” 

“I found him.  I followed the screaming.  He was…” Steve’s face went pale as he recalled the memory.  “...The blood was everywhere. They were torturing information out of him.  Strapped him down to this… This  _ evil  _ metal table thing…  Thor, the blood was…!  I thought I was too late; that he was already dead because he wasn’t moving, and his eyes…  Oh, christ, his eyes stared up at the roof, all glassy and… And  _ dead _ .” 

“He is not dead,” Thor whispered for reassurance.  “He is alive and  _ safe _ now.” 

Steve nodded shortly before more tears followed the first.  “I shot one of them. Right between the eyes. He dropped like nothing I’ve ever seen.  I shot two more. ...Think one of them died eventually… The others shot me; shot the gun out of my hand, and…  They took me away from Bucky. Patched me up; threw me in a cell with other soldiers… And I thought for sure that even if I survived, there was no way I was ever going to see Bucky again.” 

Thor did his best to wipe away the tears.  “Steven…” 

“I kept hearing his screaming.  Every night; every time my eyes closed, I would hear it.  I still don’t know if they were real or if I were imagining it.” A shudder run through Steve’s body.  “They took me to see him again. Eventually. They…” 

Thor was almost startled by the panic attack Steve fell into.  He rubbed his husband’s back, murmuring to him and whispering him promises that everything was alright until Steve eventually got control enough back to continue his recount.  

“They’d  _ tortured  _ him, Thor…!” A soft wail escaped Steve as the images focused in his mind’s eye, as clear as the day it had happened.  “He  _ begged  _ me to shoot him so he didn’t have to suffer anymore.  ...And, Thor…? Looking at him back then… Part of me  _ wanted  _ to shoot him so he didn’t have to  _ feel  _ anymore…” 

Thor was taken aback when Steve suddenly pulled out of his arms and rolled over so he could vomit onto the floorboards.  Thor never stopped rubbing his back, waiting patiently until Steve had rolled back to lay in his arms again. “Steven, you are not to blame; you did not want him to have to hurt…” 

Steve sniffed back a tear.  He shook his head. “They took us…  Every day that we were there, they… They were trying to get our soldiers onto their side to bolster their force.  The soldiers they couldn’t break… died.”

Thor wasn’t oblivious to the way Steve’s hands clenched desperately into fists.  “...” 

“But not by their hands,” Steve hissed now as loathing crossed his face.  “They made  _ Bucky  _ kill them, as if  _ Bucky  _ was some sort of example that you either obeyed or died…  And you know how Bucky is, Thor; he  _ wouldn’t _ …!  They…  They  _ tortured  _ him whenever he refused or hesitated.  They choked him, beat him with stun batons…  They… They cut so much of his body up, he  _ still  _ can’t bear to look at himself naked in a mirror…” 

“James is not at fault, and neither are you,” Thor promised.  

“He did it, though…” Steve whimpered.  “The torture was so bad, he  _ did  _ it…  Did what they wanted him to do.  ...Then one day, he points a gun at his own face and pulls the trigger.  ...I still don’t know if it was a blessing or a curse he’d just emptied out an entire barrel on his own comrades…”

“...” 

“I watched him do all this, Thor,” Steve whispered.  “I tried… so hard to stop it all - to help  _ everyone _ !  But I couldn’t do anything.  I was too weak. The only thing I  _ could  _ do was take the gun from Bucky and do it for him to try and spare him the guilt.  ...But it was pointless; Bucky still screamed at night, curled into a ball tucked as far into the corner as he could get with his back to the gate, like he thought that if he couldn’t see them, they couldn’t see him…” 

Thor sniffed back tears.  He kissed Steve’s cheek, his temple, his eye, and everything else he could get his lips on before he whispered, “Neither of you are at fault for  _ anything  _ that happened, Steven; you both were only trying to  _ survive _ .” 

“They didn’t do much to me,” Steve whispered.  “Not much outside of kicking me around. They knew it got to us more, for me to watch it, and for Bucky to  _ know  _ I could see him so vulnerable…  Every day I just wish it was  _ me _ , Thor…  I just want Bucky to be okay, but he…  He’s going to live with that his entire life.” 

“You do not deserve that, nor does James.” Thor wiped at his eyes to try and stop his tears.  “I am sorry I did not know how bad it was; the files I read… Did not do your situation justice.” 

Steve shook his head.  “When you went to Bucky today…  He knew who you were, Thor. He  _ trusted  _ you.  And when I saw you so gentle with him…  Oh,  _ fuck _ , Thor, you don’t understand how much that means to me.” 

Thor didn’t know what to say, so he pulled the blankets over their bodies and murmured, “I think some rest will do you well, Steven.  I will stay with you until you fall asleep.”

“Okay…”

“When is Samuel’s next group session?  I would like to go with you to it and make sure you are okay.” Thor grabbed Steve’s hand and squeezed it.

“Tomorrow morning…” Steve sounded so exhausted, Thor couldn’t help but kiss his cheek.

“Okay, sweetheart.  And, Steven?” Thor moved his face in close to kiss Steve’s lips now.  “You are  _ not  _ a monster.  And neither is James.  You both are still  _ you,  _ and always will be.  What happened all those years ago… does not define either of you.  You are both still good men. I  _ promise. _ ” 

The dam broke.  Steve’s cries came loud and strong as he emptied out decades of repressed emotion.  Thor held him through it, whispering to him, holding him, giving him whatever reassurances he needed until he’d finally fallen asleep.  

Thor tucked him in tight, kissing his head and making sure he would be warm before he got out of bed and went to find Peter.  

Peter was downstairs, sitting on the floor in front of the fireplace as he glared in jealousy at Sam and Bucky on the couch together, sitting so close, their thighs and shoulders brushed together with every movement.  Sam’s arm was slung over Bucky’s shoulders, their heads bent close together as Bucky hung on to every word Sam spoke to him.

“Peter, what are you doing?” Thor bent down to pull Peter to his feet.  Gently, with only a hint of impatience, he said, “I told you to make a new friend.  He is not going to bite you.”

Peter huffed.  He hid his face against Thor’s shoulder for a few seconds before he spat, “ _ I  _ want to be with Bucky!” 

Thor laughed.  “Peter. You can be friends, too.  Go talk to Samuel.” 

“No!” Peter looked to be throwing a tantrum, but Thor could see the anxiety in his expression, hidden behind his jealousy.  

Thor sighed.  Without warning, he dragged Peter by the hand towards the couch and called Sam’s name.  “Samuel? Peter would like to be friends, too.” 

Sam turned to look at Peter.  Peter winced and moved behind Thor again, but there was nothing but understanding on Sam’s face as he said, “Finally.  Been waitin’ for him to say something; thought he’d rip my head off if I said anythin’ to him with the way he’s been glarin’ at me, though.” 

Thor chuckled.  He grabbed Peter’s shoulders now and pushed him in front of him.  “Go sit with them, Peter.” 

“No!” Peter hissed again as he tried to get back behind Thor. 

Sam took the initiative now, because Peter clearly wasn’t comfortable with him.  “Yo, Peter. Bucky’s told me a lot about you. He says you say he’s cool. He  _ is  _ pretty cool, isn’t he?” 

Peter visibly relaxed at that, though an insecurity-driven look of disdain still remained on his face.  Guardedly, he drawled, “Yeah, he is…” 

“He doesn’t believe me when I tell him that,” Sam continued on, hoping their shared interest of Bucky would be enough to calm Peter down.  “He says I’m lyin’ to him. Think he believes you, though. Ya wanna do somethin’ nice for Bucky?” 

Peter hesitated, but finally, he gave a short nod.  “...”

“Cool.  I run some group sessions for veterans with trauma - heard they might be useful for you, too.  Ya wanna come with Bucky tomorrow to one of my sessions and keep him company? He hates havin’ to go by himself.”

Peter hummed in uncertainty.  Behind him, Thor nudged him gently to the couch.  He leaned in close and whispered into Peter’s ear.  “Go sit with them. Make a new friend.”

Peter hesitated, and he wouldn’t have obeyed had Bucky not called him over in a small voice.  Thor left at that, going back upstairs to Steve, leaving Peter with Bucky and Sam. 

Peter made no comment of the request Sam had made of him; instead, his eyes just narrowed, and his trembling voice betrayed his insecure jealousy as he spat, “Do you like Bucky, too?”  

Sam raised his eyebrow.  “ _ Too _ , hey?” 

Peter nodded.  Though he was sitting beside Sam, if he were next to Bucky, he’d have wrapped him up in his arms and kept him away from Sam.  “Yeah!” 

Sam couldn’t help but chuckle.  He reached out, holding his hand in the air.  He waited for Peter to stop flinching before he dropped his hand into Peter’s hair and ruffled.  “That depends. You gonna murder me if I say yes?” 

Bucky made a choked noise from beside Sam.  Peter growled. 

Sam just laughed at the murderous look Peter was giving him.  He shrugged. “Hey, what can I say? He’s a charmer.” 

Somehow, Peter felt himself relaxing at Sam’s unthreatened, non-challenging disposition.  


	24. Chapter 24

Group therapy was something that had helped Steve tremendously back in the day, but he had only ever attended as a reason to get Bucky to go and try and get him through everything that had happened.  As he sat down in the back row of Sam’s usual therapy room, Bucky on one side of him and Thor on the other, Steve wondered briefly; what would have happened had he not stopped attending these sessions once he’d gotten Bucky to be able to attend by himself?  Would he have gotten over his PTSD? Would  _ Bucky  _ have beaten his PTSD?

Thor’s hand held Steve’s tightly, and he gave a reassuring squeeze before he murmured, “You are safe, Steven.  I am with you.” 

Steve put his other hand on top of Thor’s and returned the squeeze.  “I love you.” 

“I love you, too,” Thor whispered back tenderly.  He didn’t understand why Steve seemed to have opened up to him again, so soon after everything that had happened.  He had a suspicion that Steve was just so worn down, he didn’t even have the energy to hold Thor at arm’s length for any longer.  

Sam didn’t take long to come into the room and start the session off.  Steve remained sitting quietly, his hands with Thor’s as his eyes rested closed so he could listen to everything being said around him.  

Bucky was rigid and alert as he tended to be in these sessions, his eyes wide as he tracked every escape route in preparation for the ambush that seemed so inevitable in his mind.  But on his right side - his right  _ arm  _ that hadn’t ended so many innocent lives - sat Peter, his head resting on Bucky’s shoulder as he watched Sam with tired eyes, eyes that hadn’t looked so exhausted until ten minutes in to the session and a veteran had had a breakdown over losing their squad to an ambush.  

Bucky tilted his head slightly so he could whisper into Peter’s ear.  “Are you okay?” 

Peter hesitated, but he made a nod in response.  “M’fine… Just… Makin’ me… Sam’s good at this stuff.” 

Bucky nodded.  The ghost of a warm smile flickered across his face before the stoic expression he usually wore during these sessions returned.  He patted Peter’s head and curled in close so he could wrap his arm around Peter and lean together in a protective manner. “He is…” 

Bucky and Peter stayed like that together, while Steve’s hands fumbled together and his breathing picked up.  Thor noticed, and with a carefully placed kiss to his husband’s temple, he waited for Steve to relax again. His efforts didn’t go unrewarded; he saw Steve’s body loosen ever-so-slightly before a calm sigh escaped his lips.  

The session went on, Steve never saying a word to anyone but his companions.  Bucky, however, sniffed loudly before he voiced his thoughts out loud to the group after Sam had encouraged his group to talk about what was on their minds.  “I hurt my friend yesterday… Because he touched my throat. He touched my throat, and I just… I was back there, young and scared and being choked until my vision went black because I wouldn’t…  I wouldn’t kill civilians they’d captured…” 

From where Sam stood in front of the group, he gave a sad, sympathetic smile.  “And these things happen. It doesn’t make us a bad person. It’s  _ okay  _ to feel guilty, and scared and lost.  Everyone has things they don’t want to think about, and that’s okay, too.  I don’t think there is one person in this world who can truthfully say they haven’t lost sleep over something they’ve done, or had happen to them.  It’s  _ okay  _ to hurt and feel guilt and remorse and sadness.  You are  _ human _ .” 

Peter closed his eyes and pressed closer to Bucky.  Steve and Thor looked at him as they noticed his fidgeting, and at the pained look on his face, Steve reached out to put one hand on Bucky’s side and the other on Peter’s thigh.  Peter cracked his eyelids open to look at Steve and offer a rough smile. 

“You okay?” Steve whispered.

Peter nodded.  “M’kay, Steve…”

Steve returned the nod.  Thor watched them for a while longer while Steve turned his attention back to Sam.  Thor’s eyes met with Bucky’s, and they held their gaze for all of six seconds before Thor reached out and clapped Bucky on the shoulder with a nod.  Bucky looked down again, his arm tightening around Peter supportively. 

The session ended, and they didn’t leave their seats until the rest of the group had cleared out.  Sam came to take a seat with them, smiling as his eyes wandered over the four to make sure they were doing okay.  

“How you guys holdin’ up?” Sam asked.  He wasn’t oblivious to the depressed aura hanging around them. 

Steve, Bucky and Peter all mumbled their own reassurances.  It was Thor who asked, “May I ask you something in private, Samuel?” 

“Sure, man,” Sam murmured.  He stood up to lead Thor from the room and into the privacy of his office.  He waited until the door closed behind him before he asked, “What’s up?”’

Thor sighed.  “It is just… You know Steven was doing so well.  I fear that I am the reason he has been spiraling down with his trauma.  Do you think… It is my fault? I threw dishes through the kitchen window and he fell into his PTSD.  From there, he just… He seemed to have gone downhill.” 

“It can happen.” Sam made sure to keep his voice as gentle as possible.  “But I don’t think you were the sole reason. His life was goin’ to shit, and a lot of his trauma was never resolved properly; he just got good at keepin’ up a facade.  That facade broke under the load. I wouldn’t feel too guilty ‘bout it; odds are, he would have spiraled on his own anyway. Look at Barnes out there; lives on his own in isolation and every time I go ‘round to bring him groceries, I find something new that he’s broken.  He sets  _ himself  _ off.  If anything, you held Steve together.  So don’t feel too guilty.” 

Thor chewed at his lip in contemplation.  “How could I have held Steven together when all I did was hurt him?”’

“He loves you,” Sam pointed out.  “You stuck with him and helped him realise he  _ isn’t  _ the monster he thinks he is.  He  _ got help _ .   _ You  _ helped him through it, stayin’ by his side and makin’ sure he didn’t do anythin’ stupid.  Just like how you brought him here today. I dislike so much of the way you treat Steve… But I can’t fault you on how seriously you take his trauma.  Excludin’ all the other shit… You’re a good partner in that respect, and it’s the only thing that stops me kickin’ your ass.”

Thor accepted everything Sam said to him.  Tenderly, he asked, “What can I do to help him?  I am trying so hard to be a better person; I do not want to fail Steven when he is hurting so much.  I want to help him with everything I can.” 

Sam was silent for a few moments before he murmured, “Honestly?  It’s a lot of pain all blended together right now. Just be there and support him, Thor.  Be the shoulder he needs to lean on. If you really know him at all… You’ll know what he wants, even when he can’t say it.” 

Thor nodded.  “Thank you, Samuel…  Thank you.”

Sam nodded.  “Listen to what I said and don’t pighead your way through it.”

Thor stopped and turned to look at Sam, regarding him carefully.  He hesitated, but finally, he said, “You and Barnes… would make a nice couple.”

Sam snorted.  “Thanks. It’s kind of a game by this point; see how long it takes for him to realise our weekly dinners are really dates.  We’re comin’ up to date one-fifty-two and he’s still none the wiser. He’s convinced himself that I think he won’t eat if I don’t watch him eat and that’s why I do it.” 

Thor laughed as the tension left his shoulders.  “I think a kiss is much more obvious.”’

“Yeah…  But by this point it’d be a waste.  I have high hopes for date two-seventy-one.”

Thor chuckled again.  “Good luck, Samuel. I am cheering you on.” 

“Yeah, gonna need it now that I have competition with your guy.” Sam winked good naturedly.  He heard Thor’s genuine laughter exit the office with him, and with that, he made his way back out to the main room, seeing Thor helping Steve to his feet before he moved to Bucky and Peter. 

Sam could see the exhaustion, the pain all over Steve’s face, as if he were reliving his worst nightmares.  Sam had a feeling it wasn’t all to do with their time in the army, and the last thing he wanted to do was put more pressure on Steve when he just needed rest.  He did the first thing that came to his mind to help relieve some of that pressure.

“Yo, Peter; wanna hang out with me and Barnes?” Sam didn’t think Peter would go for it, but on the off-chance he did… 

Peter was too tired to argue.  “‘Kay…”’

“Cool.” Sam wrapped his arm around Steve and shook Thor’s hand as they were leaving before he turned back to Peter.  “I just gotta do some paperwork, but I won’t be long. I’ll take yas for lunch.” 

Peter finally lifted his head from Bucky’s shoulder.  Tiredly, he mumbled, “Can we have tacos…?” 

“Cool; we like tacos,” Sam agreed.  “Okay. You guys wanna grab a coffee while you wait for me?  There’s a cafe down the street that Barnes likes.” 

Peter nodded.  Beneath his exhaustion, Sam could see that Peter was still wary of him - but really, from what he had been told, and everything he had seen for himself, he didn’t mind; Peter was good for Bucky, and Bucky seemed to be good for Peter, too.  Bucky had relaxed more; taken on the same parental role he’d had with Steve when they were young, and started pushing himself to do more because he knew it would make Peter happy, even if it made him uncomfortable. 

And Peter…  Really needed guidance, a good role model - someone he could look up to and  _ learn  _ from.  Bucky was a good person.  He was patient and understanding - so  _ loving _ .  Peter could learn from Bucky.  He could learn so much - and if his gut feeling was correct, he was sure Peter had already been learning from Bucky, even if Peter hadn’t put it into action yet. 

* * *

 

The drive home had been a quiet one.  Steve had napped against the window, and Thor hadn’t woken him.  They’d gotten home, and with gentle coaxing from Thor, Steve had agreed to get into the shower.  Thor had joined him, not for sex, but rather, he was concerned about Steve falling asleep on his feet if left alone. 

Thor poured shampoo into the palm of his hand.  He hummed a low, soothing tone as he scrubbed it into Steve’s hair.  “Steven…? I am sorry I stopped doing all of this with you when Peter got here…  I do not know why I abandoned you for him. But I would love to go back to what we once had, Steven.”

Steve hummed tiredly in response.  He lifted his eyes to meet Thor’s gaze.  “Don’t apologise; you’ll never make it up to me, Thor, no matter what you do…” 

Thor dropped his gaze.  His hand faltered in Steve’s hair before he pulled away and tensed.  “...I… I understand, Steven…” 

Steve grabbed Thor’s arm to stop him from getting out of the shower.  He shook his head. “...But I never said we couldn’t start over from the beginning.  Prove to me that you can still be the man I fell in love with - let me fall in love with you all over again, Thor.  I have to warn you; it won’t be an easy task. I can’t forget everything that happened between us, Thor.”

“No, I understand,” Thor promised.  He washed his hand under the warm stream to get the shampoo off before he cupped Steve’s face and leant in slowly for a kiss.  Their mouths didn’t open far; their lips rested against each other, Thor sucking Steve’s lower lip between his. 

Steve became nervous.  He remembered this kiss; the same kisses Thor had utilised early in their relationship whenever he initiated something physical between them but Steve hadn’t been able to allow skin-to-skin contact.  Those kisses had disappeared after the first time they’d gone all the way, evolving into hungry, open-mouthed kisses that seemed to devour Steve from the mouth down. 

What did those kisses mean?  Steve’s first instinct was that Thor was going back to his old ways of repairing every problem he had with sex, but that couldn’t be it when Thor pulled away after a few moments to resume washing Steve’s hair, not even a hint of hardness in his groin.  

Did that mean… those kisses were to make Steve comfortable?  To show him that he was loved, even if he were still feeling fragile about their relationship?  That Thor had no intention on hurting him? Because back then, Thor  _ hadn’t  _ hurt him - not  _ once _ .  Even when denied sex.  To be truthful, Steve wasn’t sure if Thor had ever had as much patience as he had back then. 

But Steve couldn’t ponder for too long, because Thor was speaking again.  

“I think, after our shower, you should take a rest,” Thor suggested.  “I would love for you to finally meet Mary properly, however. Would you like to visit Loki with me so you can see her?” 

Steve stiffened again.  “Thor… The last time I saw Loki, he…” 

Thor’s body went rigid, more so when Steve shut up with a well-concealed look of regret and panic.  He forced himself to relax and cup Steve’s face. “Steven… I did not mean to worry you; I am… still trying to learn how to be a better partner for you.  Please understand that while you mean so much to me, so does Loki - I do not  _ know  _ how to  _ not  _ take the side of my brother.  I am sorry. Please give me the chance to learn with you…” 

Steve shook his head.  “Thor, it’s okay; don’t worry about it…  It’s not important.” 

Thor reached down to take Steve’s hand and bring it to his heart.  “Steven… As much as I love my brother, I also love  _ you _ .  Please tell me if he… did something you do not like.  Please give me the chance to fix it for you.” 

“It’ll upset you,” Steve protested. 

“It will…  But you are my  _ husband _ , and I want you to be  _ happy _ ,” Thor whispered.  He rubbed his thumb beneath Steve’s eye, massaging away the dark circles that were testimony to his sleepless night.  He swallowed thickly. “...Please tell me what it is that Loki did to upset you so that I can talk to him about it…” 

“He just…” Steve sighed.  “He said some nasty things.  I don’t really blame him; he was upset, Thor.” 

“But he should not have been nasty to you,” Thor whispered.  “What did he say?” 

“...That is was my fault you hospitalised yourself, my life has been too easy and I wouldn’t know what hardship is if it punched me in the face, my concern for Peter was wrong when I should have been concerned for  _ you,  _ and it was  _ my  _ fault you weren’t eating or sleeping.  Also, let’s not forget that it’s my fault I left you with Hela, and because he apparently hates my absolute guts now for this, he wished Hela did something to Mary because I ‘wouldn’t listen’.” 

Thor was silent for so long, Steve was almost startled when he started to cry.  Thor pulled Steve into his arms and hugged him tight. “No… No, Steven,  _ do not  _ listen to  _ anything  _ Loki said!  I did what I did because I  _ chose  _ to get help - not…  I was  _ sick,  _ Steven.  You are not to blame for any of that!  I am so sorry, Steven; I… I am so sorry…  It makes me sick to think he could say that about Mary to you because of my own decisions, and I…  I…”

Steve reached out to brush hair out of Thor’s eyes.  “Don’t worry about it, Thor; it’s not important…” 

“It  _ is  _ important!” Thor argued.  His arms squeezed Steve tighter, protectively,  _ warmly _ .  “He said horrible things to you that you did not deserve!”

“Honestly, I think Bucky might have been more upset than I was,” Steve tried to comfort.  

“Oh, James!” Thor squeezed his eyes shut tight.  “I did not think about him! I have to apologise to him, too!” 

“You really don’t, Thor,” Steve whispered.  “You did nothing wrong, and Bucky feeds off the energy in the room; you know this.  He actually handled it well; there were no guns or threats of death involved; I promise.” 

“I still need to make this up to you,” Thor whispered back.  “I will speak to Loki about it; he never told me he said any of this.  I will speak to him, and I will… I will try to find a way to make things right for you, Steven.” 

“Just an apology from Loki is enough, Thor; you don’t have to go out of your way for something stupid,” Steve promised.  

Thor nodded.  He pressed their foreheads together and sighed heavily.  “I love you, Steven…”

“I love you, too,” Steve promised. 

Thor took Steve’s lips again, just as he had earlier.  They broke away with a soft smack before Thor turned the taps off and stepped out of the shower to grab towels.  He hastily wrapped one around his waist before he moved to Steve, drying his hair, his body, and wiping away all traces of water from his face and ears.  

“Thor, I’m fine…” Steve protested weakly, but in the back of his mind, he couldn’t help but crave more of the tenderness between them. 

Thor shook his head.  “I want to make you feel loved, Steven.  I love you.” 

Steve sighed and relaxed into the comfort before he was taken out of the bathroom and into the bedroom.  He didn’t bother getting dressed as he clambered into bed to lay beneath the blankets, but Thor did, and Steve wondered if it were only to make himself appear as sexually unthreatening as possible.  

“May I rub your back to help you fall asleep?” Thor requested.  He grinned when he received a small nod. “Thank you. Lay on your stomach, sweetheart.” 

Steve did as he was told, taking notice of the way the blanket was pulled down to his hips as Thor’s weight settled beside him.  He couldn’t help but groan when his husband’s calloused fingers rubbed the knots out of his shoulders and neck; how long had it been since he’d  _ relaxed _ ?  

The atmosphere was pleasant,  _ warm _ .  Thor enjoyed rubbing the stress out of Steve’s body.  He felt so peaceful, he murmured, “So, Wilson and Barnes…” 

Steve hummed in response, feeling himself falling asleep beneath Thor’s skilled hands.  “What about them?” 

“Wilson tells me Barnes is oblivious to the fact that he is being courted.” Thor chuckled a little at the memory.  “He does not seem to mind Peter being there.” 

“Sam has been trying to date Bucky for so long, sometimes I am tempted to just tell Bucky myself because I feel sorry for them both.” Steve’s lips curled into a tiny smile.  “You don’t mind Peter and Bucky anymore? You freaked out over the idea of it…” 

“I do not,” Thor whispered truthfully.  “I trust you when you say it is just a crush, and I know that Peter loves me, Steven.  I know that he loves  _ us _ .” 

“Bucky likes the attention.  He’s scared of it getting too far and hurting me, though.  But really, he craves Peter’s attention. It makes him feel good inside, and I think it helps him a lot mentally, too.  I think he can’t see how much Sam likes him because he’s so self-conscious of what’s left of his body, he can’t understand that other people might look past all the wounds and still see him as beautiful - which is what Sam does.  He hates his body so much, he instinctively thinks everyone else does, too - and all the guilt he carries makes it so much worse. But Peter is different. He’s… He’s so open and clear about his affections. It makes Bucky feel good.  It makes him feel  _ human _ .” 

Thor nodded.  “Then I am okay with Peter’s crush, Steven.” 

“Really?” 

“Yes.  I do not like that Peter kisses Barnes…  But I accept it. I trust you when you say that his crush will not go anywhere.  Can I trust James, Steven? With Peter, I mean. I do not know how comfortable I am with them bonding as emotionally as they have.” 

Steve rolled over so he could face Thor.  He smiled and reached out to ghost his fingertips against Thor’s chin.  “Thor… They are just  _ friends _ .  Bucky can’t help how strongly he bonds with people, and I’m starting to think that Peter can’t, either.  But I promise you… You need only worry about those two together when Peter is  _ single _ .  Bucky isn’t like that.  ‘Sides, he already has someone he wants to be with.”

Thor chuckled and leant down for a kiss.  “Yeah? You do not think it is time to play matchmaker and do something about that?  I can not see either of them making a move any time soon.” 

“Maybe.” Steve kissed back.  “But it’s kind of funny when Bucky asks me why Sam always touches his hands.  He’s so innocent.” 

Thor gave a hearty laugh.  “Oh, dear. Peter will corrupt him.” 

Steve laughed in return, and Thor’s heart fluttered to see just how young Steve looked in that moment.  “Strangely enough, Thor… I think it’s Bucky who is corrupting Peter.” 

Thor rolled onto his side so he could pull Steve into his arms.  “Oh, really? Would this happen to have anything to do with Peter asking me what I would think of him if he decides he is like Barnes in terms of not wanting sex?” 

Steve snorted.  “What did you tell him?” 

“That I would love him no matter  _ what  _ he decided he is.  Also that I love  _ him  _ and not  _ Barnes  _ and I would only be upset if Peter decided to dress up in Barnes’ clothing and wear a wig around the house.” 

Steve smiled.  He felt more tension leave his body as he rested his head on Thor’s strong chest.  “I’m glad you’re giving him this, Thor. He deserves the chance to explore his sexuality.” 

“I am just glad that he is picking good people to explore it with.  And this reminds me.” Thor pressed their foreheads together and smirked.  “Yesterday, when you could not sit… It was Peter.” 

“Yeah, but that’s a long story and I’m too tired to tell it.” Steve’s smile never faltered; he just wrapped his arms around Thor’s torso and held on tight as he closed his eyes.

“I do not mind; I am just jealous I was not there to see it.” Thor chuckled when Steve kneed him in the thigh.  He ran his hand over the back of Steve’s head as his own eyes closed. “But… I do not mind. I fear that I cannot say the same for Peter…  But I  _ definitely  _ did not fall in love with you for just your body, Steven.  Now sleep. I have to make you fall in love with me all over again, and I worry I cannot do that if you are tired.” 

Steve’s lips twitched with a smile again.  “I don’t know; breakfast in bed can do wonders…” 

And with that, Steve was fast asleep. 

* * *

 

Sam did as promised and took Peter and Bucky out for tacos.  They went to the shopping mall, Bucky’s rigid body right against Sam’s as he tried to swallow down the fear crowds instilled in him.  Peter held his hand, and Bucky knew his companions were the only reason he was able to keep going. 

Peter stopped as a store caught his attention.  He cocked his head to the side as he stared. “Can I go in there?” 

Bucky stared at his feet, and Sam bit back a laugh.  “Sure, if you want to. You wanna go help him build a bear, Barnes?” 

Bucky glared, but otherwise said nothing.  Peter bounded inside, stopping only to look over his shoulder and make sure his friends were still following him.  Once he was content with their presence over on the guest sofas, Peter went to work, making a bear that looked as close to Bucky as he could get it.  Once he was done, he scurried back to Sam and Bucky, presenting his bear with the biggest grin on his face that could only mean he was proud of himself.

“I made a Bucky bear!” Peter watched Bucky take the toy tentatively.  His grin widened, and his chest puffed out as he couldn’t help but boast, “I made a Bucky bear and Sam didn’t!” 

Sam snorted.  His smile was still kind, his tone just as gentle, and as good natured as he always was, he pointed out, “You don’t have much reason to compete for Barnes’ attention; I’m pretty sure he’d run into a burnin’ building to get you out.  He likes ya. You’re his friend, and he likes you exactly as you are without you havin’ to worry you’re not good enough for him if someone else is around. Trust me; he likes you plenty; he’s actually stopped talkin’ ‘bout Steve all the time - now it’s  _ you _ and Steve.” 

“Really…?” Peter’s eyes were wide in disbelief.  

Bucky looked like he was going to cry as he hugged his bear.  He extended his right arm - his good arm, the arm that  _ didn’t  _ end with the fingers that still haunted his dreams at night - and wrapped Peter into a tight hold.  “Thank you so much, Petey. I… I love him…” 

Peter bent his knees so their faces were level.  “Has no one ever given you a gift before, Bucky?” 

Bucky’s eyes were squeezed shut as he shook his head.  “Nope… Just… Just Sam and Steve… Thank you so much…” 

Sam offered a knowing smile at Peter.  “See? He likes you. Just be yourself.”

Peter hung on to those words, more than he would ever tell anyone.

* * *

 

Thor went out that night, once Peter was home and fed and dressed in warm pyjamas.  Steve was downstairs with him, sprawled across the couch as he dozed his pain away lightly.  He jerked awake to the knock on the door, and sleepily, he called, “Can you get that, Peter…?” 

Steve heard Peter’s footsteps leave the living room, so he kept his eyes closed and tried to go back to sleep.  He opened them when he heard Peter calling his name, and to his surprise - and hurt, really - Peter was standing in the doorway, with a bunch of roses in hand.  

“Peter…?” Steve couldn’t keep the exhaustion from his voice.  “Where’d you get those?” 

“I gave them to him.” Steve looked around at Thor’s voice, finding his husband standing by Peter’s side, dressed in his best suit.  “He said it was the only condition he would allow me to ask you for a date - if he could have the flowers instead.” 

Steve couldn’t help but snort as the hurt left.  “Thor, a little warning…? I mean, look at what I am dressed in.” 

“You could be dressed in newspaper and I would still think you are the most beautiful person,” Thor said truthfully.  “I have reservations. I owe you many, many candlelit dinners.” 

Steve yawned.  “What about Peter?” 

“He does not mind staying here with Mary,” Thor promised.  “He is just happy I gave him the flowers.” 

Steve rubbed at his face.  Surely it was the tiredness, because somehow he found himself nodding.  “Right… Sure. Let me just get dressed.” 

From where Peter had returned to his spot in front of the lit fireplace, he pulled Mary back into his arms and put the bottle back into her mouth.  He watched his husbands move around the house before they left. 

Peter adjusted his hold on Mary so he could pull his phone from his pocket and text Bucky.   _ -Steve n Thor r goen on a dayt- _

Bucky’s reply was belated, almost ten minutes after Peter’s text.   _ -Nice.  Me too :)-  _

Peter hated the disappointment that ran through him - knew that Bucky or Steve wouldn’t be jealous like this, but as hard as he tried to make them proud, he was struggling right now.  But to his surprise, the hurt was easy to swallow down when genuine excitement filled him at the photo Bucky next sent through, of Sam and Bucky cuddled next to each other at a restaurant, Sam’s lips on Bucky’s cheek and the happiest, most giddy expression Peter had ever seen him wear on his face.  Peter realised now that he  _ was  _ learning from Bucky after all, because as he thought about how invested Bucky would be in knowing his friends were safe and happy, Peter found himself feeling much the same.  _ -Tel me abowt it tomoro?-  _

_ -Yep :)-  _

And with that, Peter wasn’t the only one content with how his night was going.

  
  



	25. Chapter 25

“I don’t know.”  Those words were the first real words Steve had spoken about Mary since coming home, and Thor felt as if his heart had been crushed at the confirmation that Steve wasn’t going to accept Mary as easily as he had hoped he would.  Steve shook his head and passed the baby back to his husband. “I don’t know, Thor.” 

“I thought… that this is what you will say…” As prepared as Thor had been for Steve’s rejection towards his niece, he couldn’t deny how much it still hurt.  “I am sorry, Steven.”

“Thor, it’s not that I don’t like her,” Steve promised.  His own heart ached at the way Thor’s fingers danced through the tiny curls on top of Mary’s head as he nursed her against his strong heartbeat, as if to protect her from Steve’s feelings.  “I promise. It’s just… She’s not mine.” 

“This is what Peter always tells me…” Thor mumbled.  He sighed sadly, wrapping one arm around Mary’s back and holding her protectively.  “The thing is… Peter is Mary’s father, and I am her uncle. I do not want you to be the stranger - the  _ outlier  _ in our family.  While I had both my parents, my relationship was less than desirable with my father, and I lost them so early, too...  Peter’s mother died when he was eight, and his father… Peter has lost out on so much. And in a way, you have, too, Steven.  Your father dying before you were even born, and losing your mother when you were eighteen… None of us really had family, Steven.  I am not asking you to take any responsibilities on… But I would like it if you would help give Mary what we’ve  _ all  _ lost out on.” 

Steve’s frown grew.  He shook his head, and in a firmer, more exhausted tone, he mumbled, “I  _ can’t _ .  She isn’t  _ mine _ .”

Thor frowned.  “Are you afraid you may be stepping on our toes, Steven?  I assure you that will  _ never  _ be the case.  If anything… I worry that I myself am stepping on Peter’s toes - he still does not know, and I…” 

“I am not Mary’s parent, nor her uncle - nor a blood relative at all.” Steve was glad he was still in bed, despite the afternoon sun shining through their bedroom window, because it meant he could pull the blankets up over his head and hope that it would be enough to end the conversation.  “I can’t, Thor. I  _ won’t _ .”

“Hey.” Thor moved up the mattress to sit by Steve’s head.  He pulled the blankets away and gently stroked his fingertips through soft blond locks.  “Steven. I  _ love  _ you, and I  _ always  _ wanted a family with you.  If this is the only chance we may get to have that…  Then no matter how you see yourself, I will  _ always  _ see Mary being just as much yours as she is ours.  You are our  _ husband _ ; regardless of blood ties, you will always be just as much her parent as  _ Peter  _ is in my eyes, Steven.” 

“Thor, I’m not ready for that kind of commitment!” Steve whimpered.  His eyes were clouded, and his body filled with more and more tension until Thor realised he was trying not to cry.  “I…! I’m still dealing with so much; I  _ can’t  _ have a baby on top of everything!  I still have debts to pay - Peter’s cancer treatment; stuff like that!  There’s Peter always on my mind and what we’re going to do if the cancer ever comes back, because believe me, Thor, it  _ rarely  _ doesn’t come back at some stage!  I still stress about everything with you, and I’m a goddamn  _ veteran  _ trying to swallow down my own shit to keep my veteran  _ best friend  _ from shooting himself in the head one day!  I am not able to have a commitment like Mary on my hands, Thor - I  _ will not _ !  It’s not fair to me  _ or  _ her!” 

Steve expected many different reactions from Thor, but to have Thor give his gentlest smile and reach out to tuck hair back behind his ear?  Not one of them. 

“Steven…” Thor’s smile continued to grow as he moved to caress Steve’s cheek.  “There is really not much that I can do to help you aside from put money on your debts now that I have my company back.  But the least I can do is try and make you feel a little lighter. Take your mind off things for a while.” 

Steve’s eyes narrowed.  “We’re not having sex, Thor.” 

Thor gave a genuine laugh, again to Steve’s surprise.  He shook his head. “Strangely, sex was not in my itinerary at all.  Rather, I was thinking about something nice. Mostly for you and I, but I am sure I could find a way to include everyone to help ease that burden from you, sweetheart.” 

Steve was suspicious.  “I’ll bite. What’s on your mind?” 

“A holiday.  A much-needed holiday for everyone somewhere nice.”

A pang of pain went through Steve as if he’d been stabbed in the heart with a frozen knife.  “You haven’t taken me on a vacation in  _ years,  _ Thor…” 

“What better time to start again now?” Thor pulled his phone from his pocket and scrolled through his photos, searching for the recent photos he had saved from Peter’s Facebook on his last visit through the all but abandoned profile.  He pulled up the photos that had been taken during Peter and Steve’s visit to Bali, handing the phone to Steve for good measure. “Steven… Look how happy you were when you took Peter on a holiday. Look at your smile. You both look so happy.” 

Steve looked at the photo with a frown.  He indeed did look happy, his arm slung around Peter’s shoulders as Peter leant his head on his shoulder and hugged him. His eyes crinkled as he beamed so joyfully into the camera, Steve couldn’t help but ponder  _ how  _ that could only have been a couple years ago when he looked so  _ young _ .  

Steve passed the phone back, not daring to look through the rest.  “That was  _ before  _ all this, Thor…  I don’t know if I can still be that happy…”

“You will never know if you will not at least try,” Thor murmured.  He caressed Steve’s cheek with his thumb as he rocked Mary in one strong arm to calm her soft sobs as her hunger grew.  “Please~? I would love for you to relax, sweetheart.” 

Steve’s frown grew at Mary’s cries.  He looked so uncomfortable, and Thor knew Steve was only trying to spare Thor’s feelings by not asking him to remove her from his presence.  Instead, he mumbled, “If you had plans to take Bucky along on this…  _ holiday,  _ I -“ 

Thor waved a dismissive hand and smiled again.  “- I have already thought about it, Steven; being around a crying baby can trigger James’ trauma.  I understand that, sweetheart.” 

“So why do you want to hurt him, Thor…?” Steve was so exhausted at this question, he looked like all the fight had left him.  

“I would never,” Thor assured.  “I care about him, Steven. I know how much he means to you. I came to terms long ago with the thought that you might perhaps have ended up dating him instead of me had you come out to him first rather than coming out to me.  I have accepted that, and in doing so, I accepted that you two stick together and I would  _ never  _ try and hurt him, Steven.” 

“But you want him to…” Steve trailed off, feeling sick at the thought of Thor wanting to mess with Bucky’s PTSD. 

“You misunderstand,” Thor assured.  “I need to speak with Peter - ask him what he wants to do.  But I feel that Mary will be best left with Loki so she is safe and does not get sick.”

“Peter won’t understand that,” Steve pointed out.  “He’ll think you don’t want her coming with us just for the sake of it.”  

“He will understand it if I explain it to him,” Thor promised gently.  “Are you okay if I call him upstairs? He is out in his garden again. He tells me he wants to become a gardener now.” 

Steve nodded.  He held no objections to Thor opening the window and calling out to Peter; instead, he asked, “What did you say to him about wanting to be a gardener?” 

“I encouraged him with the idea and have asked Stark to let him play in their garden for a while.” Thor took a seat on the bed next to Steve.  He smiled down at Mary, holding his hand out for her to pull at his fingers and giggle now that she had calmed down from her earlier sobbing. He looked back at Steve and continued.  “I think it would be good for him - getting him outside and doing things again. ...I just worry about him - he cannot drive himself around anymore; how can he commit if this is what he wants to do?” 

Steve understood Thor’s concern; to know that Peter was finally wanting to do things again, only to have the hiccup of  _ how  _ he could do said things… 

“Ask Buck to go with him,” Steve suggested. 

Thor raised his eyebrow in concern.  He shook his head. “I could not possibly ask your James; Barnes cannot even walk to the corner shop of his street to buy milk, let alone -“

“- He would do it if you asked him to do it for Peter,” Steve explained.  “He’ll go with Peter; drive him around. He might not be able to actually  _ help  _ Peter in someone’s yard, but he  _ will  _ go with him, Thor.  It’ll be good for the  _ both  _ of them, even if Bucky just hangs out in the car reading a book for a while.  He wants to see Peter be happy just as much as  _ we  _ do.” 

Thor turned his attention to the bedroom door when he heard Peter’s footsteps coming upstairs.  He waited until Peter had settled into the bed beside Steve, his hands and fingernails covered in soil and a tired smile on his face.  

Thor cleared his throat before he murmured, “Do you remember what you said to me once, Peter?  About how you wished you had your own child?” 

Peter nodded, despite the confusion on his face.  Thor wasn’t oblivious to the way Peter tensed. “Yeah, man…”

Thor took a deep breath as he thought about his words.  He didn’t want to say anything that could cause stress to Peter, but he knew Peter so well, he was sure anything  _ but  _ the straight, honest truth would cause him distress. Finally, he murmured, “Mary is yours, sweetheart…  I told you once that Hela did not know who the father is… But I lied to you because I did not know what to tell you, and I feared it would hurt you to be told so soon. She is yours.” 

A look of relief crossed Peter’s face.  He let out the breath he’d been holding in a single exhale before he reached out to take Mary into his hold and look down at her, almost as if he was seeing her in a new light. He hesitated, but when he looked back up to Thor, he murmured, “I thought she looked like my mother…”

Thor nodded.  He reached out to squeeze Peter’s shoulder, glad that Peter had taken it better than he’d anticipated.  “Steven and I were talking… About going on a holiday. I felt it was best for you to decide yourself if Mary will come with us or stay with Loki.”

“Why can’t she come with us?” Peter questioned.  The worry in his voice wasn’t lost on them, nor the way he clutched Mary tighter, as if he feared they would try and take her from him.

“Well, she might get sick, and travelling upsets a lot of babies,” Thor explained.  “She could be perfectly healthy on the holiday, and she might not even get upset. But remember that this is a holiday for us, and though Mary is very welcome to join us, it would be hard for us to enjoy ourselves as easily.  But it is up to you, Peter. You are her father; I do not wish to take that from you, and whatever you decide is what will happen.” 

Peter was quiet for a few moments before he murmured, “I don’t want her to get sick, Thor.  I wanna be responsible - like my mom woulda been for me… I don’t think she would have taken me somewhere I could get sick, but I don’t want to leave her, you know?  I… I wanna bring her, but what if something happens, Thor? She would be safer with Loki, wouldn’t she? I just wanna be a good dad. A-and, like… I wanna spend time with you and Steve; I want…  I want… to be  _ happy _ .”

Steve reached out to touch Peter’s knee, but he didn’t offer any words; he just rolled around so his back was to Peter and Mary and he could tug his blankets up around him and pretend he didn’t feel so miserable. 

Thor recognised the depression in Steve, and not wanting him to feel so miserable, he caressed Steve’s head and murmured, “I will get into contact with Barnes, Steven.” 

Steve shook his head. His tone was as flat as his mood as he mumbled, “Contact Sam first so he can talk to Bucky…  But I doubt Bucky will want to come anyway…” 

“It will not hurt to ask,” Thor soothed.  “Try and sleep. I will go and get something for lunch.  What would you like, Steven?”

“Whatever you’re having.” With just how resigned and shut-off from the world Steve had been lately, Thor wondered if being back in their home where so much had happened was fueling his depression.  

Thor nodded.  “Peter, would you like to come for a drive?” 

Peter wanted to, but he could sense the depression in Steve.  He made sure their backs were pressed close together before he shook his head.  “Nah. Gonna stay here with Steve and Mary.” 

“Okay, Peter.  She was hungry earlier, so do not forget to get her a bottle.” 

“Thanks, man.” Peter was quiet until Thor had left, and the Lexus’ engine roared to life before fading steadily into the distance.  Peter looked over his shoulder at Steve, and he wondered if this gloominess was how Steve and Thor had so often felt at how much he’d stayed in bed himself from bouts of depression.  “Steve…?”

Steve hummed, but he didn’t otherwise respond.  

“Are you goin’ to sleep?” Peter frowned when he received another hum in response.  “Okay… Steve?”

A sigh from Steve now told Peter that Steve had probably been half asleep already.  “...”

Peter rolled over to kiss Steve’s neck.  “Thanks for puttin’ up with my shit, Steve; you coulda kicked me out on my ass and you didn’t…”

Steve didn’t move or make a sound for the longest time.  Finally, he rolled over as well to kiss Peter’s lips. “You cut that shit out, Peter…  I’ve always believed in second chances.”

Peter presses their foreheads together as he smiled.  “Thanks. You’re too good to me.”

Steve tried to give a smile, but all he could do was frown.  His eyes flickered to Mary before he murmured, “Peter… Can you…?” 

Peter understood the unspoken question.  He nodded and gathered Mary into his arms.  “Can I bring her back up when you are awake so I can lay with you, Steve?” 

Steve licked his lips.  Peter could see the unhappiness in his eyes.  “...We’ll see…” 

Peter didn’t question Steve’s unwillingness to be around his daughter; as much as it hurt, he took her downstairs and fetched her a bottle, watching the TV until Thor returned home with their lunch.

“I have spoken with Wilson,” Thor said to Peter as he set about dishing up their lunch onto three plates.  “About our holiday. Wilson says he would like to come.” 

“What about Bucky?” Peter eyed his own plate hungrily.  “Is Bucky gonna come?” 

“Wilson is sure he can convince him to.” Thor smiled.  “He said… he has Barnes wrapped around his finger so much now, he got him to stay the night at his home.” 

A look of jealousy crossed Peter’s face.  Thor laughed and handed him his plate. Peter accepted it, but it wasn’t without a little, “I want Bucky to stay  _ here _ .”

Thor kissed Peter’s forehead.  “They are in love, Peter. It must have been a miracle in itself to get Barnes to even go there at all.  Besides; you have Steven and I.”

Peter cheered up instantly at that.  He gave a grin and kissed Thor’s cheek.  “Yeah, you’re right, Thor. 

Thor smiled.  “Go sit down. I will join you once I take Steven’s plate to him.”

Peter obeyed.  As he waited for Thor, he thought about the holiday that had been mentioned.  He was curious, but at the same time, he couldn’t help but wonder; did he  _ want  _ to go on holiday, away from where he felt safe and secure?  

Peter shook the thoughts from his head; all he wanted was to spend time with his husbands. 

* * *

 

Two weeks later, Peter got his wish.  Almost, really, as he sat in the backseat of Steve’s Lexus and listened to Steve and Thor talking from the front.  He wasn’t the only one in the backseat; Sam and Bucky were beside him, his side rubbing against Bucky’s with every movement they made from the lack of space. 

“Where are we goin’?” Peter still didn’t know where they were heading to; Thor had kept the plans tightly under wraps, saying he wanted to surprise everyone when they got there.  According to Thor, they still had hours left on the trip, regardless of the  _ at least  _ ten hours they’d already been in the car for.  

“You will see,” was all Thor seemed to want to say whenever someone asked him about the destination.  “Are you hungry? Do you need a bathroom break?” 

Peter shook his head.  He grabbed his water bottle from the bottle holder at the foot of his door.  He could see Steve’s head against the passenger window, and he wondered if he was falling asleep.  “Just tired…” 

“I know, sweetheart,” Thor soothed.  “You can have a sleep when we get there.” 

Peter sighed.  He resigned himself to the portable DVD player Thor had strapped to the back of the passenger seat for Peter to watch during the drive, but he wasn’t too interested in the TV show Steve had bought for him the day before; Criminal Minds wasn’t really his thing, and though he appreciated Steve thinking of him, he’d much rather a comedy show.  

Peter looked to Bucky when he felt his friend shudder against him.  He could see the slight tremble Bucky was trying to hide. Peter put it down to anxiety, but Sam seemed to think differently because he wasted no time in reaching for the blanket at his feet to wrap around them both.  

It wasn’t cold in the car.  In fact, the air-conditioner was on low to combat the warmth they seemed to be driving into.  Peter frowned at Sam. “You’re gonna make him hot.” 

“I’m cold,” Bucky mumbled.  “Blood circulation… Always cold…” 

Peter nodded at that.  He turned his attention back to the DVD player, not wanting to watch as Sam and Bucky cuddled together next to him, Sam’s arm wrapped around Bucky’s side to hold him close while Bucky rested his head on Sam’s shoulder and lightly kissed at Sam’s neck.  Peter could see Sam’s hands running over Bucky’s body, Bucky leaning into the touches and closing his eyes. What caught Peter’s attention again was the bruises on Bucky’s neck, peeking out from beneath the collar of his jacket. 

Peter reached out to touch them, but his hand was stopped by Sam grabbing it and pushing it away gently.  He frowned, remembering how Bucky hated having his throat touched; did that extend to Sam touching his neck, too…?  Peter felt jealous again. 

“What’s wrong with his neck?” Peter asked. 

Sam snorted.  “Love bites. He’s fine.  Promise ya.” 

Peter frowned.  “Love bites…?” 

“Mhm.  He likes gettin’ ‘em.  Makes him hot.” Sam didn’t intend on teasing; just wanted to reassure Peter that everything between him and Bucky was safe and consensual and  _ welcomed _ .  The look on Peter’s face made Sam pretty sure that if looks could kill, he’d be dead right now.  He curled slightly to hold Bucky against his chest awkwardly. “Not tryin’ ta make you jealous or anythin’, Pete.”

Peter just frowned again.  He looked away, thinking about his words before he muttered, “Not jealous…  Just hate bein’ left out…” 

Sam couldn’t help but laugh.  “Hey, I’m not givin’ you hickies, but I’m sure Thor or Steve will if you ask politely.  No need to feel left out.” 

Peter mumbled under his breath.  He leant against Bucky’s side to make himself comfortable so he could go back to his TV show, but he hadn’t watched for long before he felt something gliding against the outside of his leg.  He looked over at the other two, seeing the outline of Sam’s hand moving up and down Bucky’s thigh. “You’re touchin’ me.” 

Sam pulled his hand away respectfully.  “Sorry, Pete. Not tryin’ ta. Promise. Just tryin’ to get Buck to sleep.” 

“I like it,” Peter admitted.  He saw nothing wrong with sticking his own hand beneath the blanket and doing the same to Bucky’s other thigh, so when Bucky tensed and pulled his hand away, he was hurt and a little confused.  

“Please don’t touch me like that…” Bucky mumbled.  “I’m with Sam, Petey… That’s too intimate for us. Only Sam can touch me like that.” 

“Intimate…?” Peter frowned.  “You can be intimate outside of sex…?” 

Bucky nodded.  “Sam and I are very intimate together, and I only want intimacy with Sam now, Peter…  Please respect that…” 

Peter sighed.  He took Steve’s hand when he saw it snaking around the back of the seat, enjoying the warm feeling it invoked in his stomach to have Steve squeeze his hand in reassurance.  “What is intimacy outside of sex…?” 

“What you’re doin’ right now,” Sam promised.  “You don’t need sex to show love; plenty of other,  _ better  _ ways to show it anyway.  Barnes and I haven’t gone all the way and I don’t care ‘bout that; sex don’t mean shit when it comes to actual romance.” 

Peter hummed thoughtfully.  He cocked his head to the side, taking it upon himself to study Sam and Bucky’s interactions thoroughly to see if they did anything he could try with Steve and Thor.  He  _ had  _ liked the whole leg caressing thing; it had felt nice for Sam’s fingers to brush against him, and he wondered if it would feel even better to have an entire palm stroke him the way Sam had for Bucky.  

But Peter couldn't study for too long because soon enough, his eyes slipped closed, and he was fast asleep against Bucky’s side.  

From the front of the car, Thor waited until all three of his rear passengers were asleep before he murmured to Steve, “I never saw sex the way Wilson and Barnes do…  I thought… I  _ was  _ showing you how much I loved you by fucking you so much…  I am sorry, Steven…” 

“Don’t worry about it,” Steve mumbled back.  “It’s in the past…” 

“I promise I will work on showing you how much I love you in better ways - even if I have to talk to everyone I know and ask them the best ways to do so.” 

“Thor, you don’t have to do that,” Steve promised.  “Just… Just do what  _ you  _ feel is best.  It’s more genuine that way.” 

Thor understood, and he swore to himself that no matter what it took, he would make things right.

* * *

 

They arrived at their destination shortly after nine the next morning, somewhere in a place called Florida, Peter remembered Thor telling him before asking Peter if he had ever been there with his mother.  Peter hadn’t, but he had been so fascinated with the new environment, Thor had to remember to take Peter for a drive around before they went home. 

The beach resort Thor had booked for them all was vast and beautiful, and Peter couldn’t help but stand by the car as he looked out to the ocean in awe.  His eyes glinted with excitement and nervousness, and Thor couldn’t help but chuckle as he clapped Peter’s shoulder. 

“Do you like it, Peter?” Thor’s smile was enough to put one on Peter’s face, too.  

Peter nodded.  “I really like it!  ...But… There’s a lot of people here…” 

“And we need not speak to any of them unless they are staff,” Thor promised gently.  He took Peter’s hand, tugging him along to the gigantic building off to the side that looked to Peter like it could fit one-hundred of Steve’s large home inside it.  

Peter looked over his shoulder to see Steve lagging behind them, encouraging Bucky to come with them.  Peter waved to Bucky, hoping it might make him feel better to know that he wasn’t the only one a little outside their comfort zone.

Thor checked them in to their rooms easily.  He kept Peter’s hand tightly in his own as they entered the elevator and held the doors for the rest of the group, still lagging behind as Bucky struggled with a looming panic attack.  Thor almost felt guilty at even offering an invite - but, as he had to remember, Steve wouldn’t be able to relax properly if he was worrying over Bucky so far away, and who knew with Bucky?  Bucky might even be able to relax a little himself once he adjusted. 

They found their rooms easily enough; a huge ensuite with double bedrooms for nightly privacy.  Sam and Steve took Bucky straight into one of the bedrooms and sat him on the bed. 

“Breathe, baby,” Sam soothed as he rubbed Bucky’s back.  “Breathe for me. You’re safe.” 

Thor didn’t want to encroach, so he called out, “I will go and get our bags from the car.  Peter, will you help me?” 

Peter nodded.  To Thor’s surprise, Steve joined them, with the promise that Sam could handle Bucky and Bucky just needed time to get used to being away from his home.  

They’d made it down to the lobby before Steve frowned and asked, “All this effort…  You could have made bookings in New York and we’d all have been just as happy, Thor…” 

“I know.  But I worried about it being colder there for James; I did not want to cause him any discomfort with all his aches and pains.” 

Steve’s mouth moved wordlessly before he stayed silent and wrapped his arms around Thor.  He kissed Thor’s jaw before he whispered, “Thank you… Really.  _ Thank you _ , Thor.” 

Thor smiled back.  “You are welcome, sweetheart.  I am trying to be more thoughtful towards other people.” 

For the first time in so long, Thor swore he could see Steve’s smile reach his eyes.  He cupped Steve’s face and kissed him on the forehead before doing the same to Peter so he didn’t feel left out.  

“Okay, let us grab our bags and then I think a nap sounds good for all of us.” Thor smiled at the dark bags beneath Steve’s eyes.  “How does that sound?” 

Thor was pretty sure the fact that all three of them gave wide yawns spoke for itself.

* * *

 

Steve liked the resort.  It was warm and smelt nice, and the crowds of people weren’t like the busy New Yorkers Steve sometimes felt uncomfortable trying to get around on the streets.  It was loud, but it  _ was  _ relaxing - and the fact that they’d found a kiosk he could sit at and drink a few beers with Thor  _ definitely  _ helped.

“You know, this almost reminds me of when we started dating.” Steve waved his beer bottle around.  “You and me, out for some drinks and we’d just…  _ talk _ .  It was nice.” 

“It still is,” Thor promised.  “I am enjoying myself very much.” 

Steve gave a small smile.  “Me too. It’s nice to sit here and relax.  I like being outside, too. This is a nice breeze.” 

Thor hummed.  “It is not too dark out for you, sweetheart?  We can go and have dinner if you would like.” 

Steve shook his head.  He looked out to the beach not too far away so his eyes could zoom in on Peter.  Despite the darkness, the beach was still lit up from the lights of the guest kiosks, and he could see Peter still working on his sandcastle.  “No, I like it here. Sam said he’d text me when Bucky wants to eat, and he hasn’t yet. Let’s drink a few more rounds until someone tells us they’re hungry.” 

Thor couldn’t have agreed more.  He downed the last of his own bottle before he ordered two more.  “Steven… Thank you for being here with me. I almost expected you to want to spend time with the others rather than me.” 

Steve waved a dismissive hand.  “What, and spend the last hour building sandcastles?  No thanks.”

Thor chuckled.  “We should take him swimming tomorrow.  I do not know if he has ever been swimming before.  I would hope sandcastles aren’t his  _ most favourite  _ thing to do here.” 

Steve laughed softly.  “I will be worried if they are.” 

“He is having fun; that is all that matters,” Thor reminded, more so for himself than for Steve.  “I do wish James would come out of his room; I feel bad for Samuel not able to enjoy himself, too.” 

“He’ll come out when he’s ready.  ...Or hungry. He has his sleeping pills with him; if he can sleep through the night, I expect he’ll emerge tomorrow for a little while.  He never does well without a good night’s sleep.” 

Thor nodded.  “I think he could enjoy himself if he is able to relax.  I feel bad for him.” 

“Don’t pity him, Thor; he tries his hardest every day.  He left his house; he should be proud of himself, even if he can’t leave his room yet.” 

Thor smiled.  “You are right, Steven.  I apologise.” 

They fell into a comfortable silence now as they each enjoyed their drinks.  Steve was feeling just the tiniest bit buzzed when he heard Thor speaking again. 

“When I first met you…” Thor seemed to be pondering his words, trying to find the perfect thing to say as he fumbled his beer bottle around.  “...We butted heads. But I never disliked you, Steven. If I ever made you feel as if I did, I am truly sorry. I understand I may not have been the easiest person for you to be around - especially with your trauma so fresh in your mind.” 

“Hey, forget about it,” Steve murmured.  He put his hand on Thor’s arm and rubbed, trying to soothe him.  “We’re fine now.” 

“Stark told me once that I had triggered you.  I had been thoughtless; I had not taken into account just how deep your trauma potentially ran.  We had been messing about together, all of us; Natasha and I were play wrestling, and we took a misstep and and both of us went through the coffee table.  Do you remember that?” 

Steve nodded.  He felt almost numb to the memory, not a good sign, but better than letting himself be overwhelmed with emotion.  “Yes. Tony yelled at you both for breaking his coffee table, but he was only angry that I had frozen up. Clint had to drive me home.”

“That was when I realised I had to be more careful with you.  I respected you, for carrying all of that around and still being strong.  Even back then, I probably respected you more than anyone else in Stark’s group.  When I went home that day, I spent the day researching trauma and how veterans experienced it.  I did not want to hurt you, Steven - not again.” 

Steve couldn’t help but give an amused snort.  He put his bottle back down on the counter and turned to face Thor.  “Are you planning on telling me that that was when you decided to adopt an indoor voice?  Because I was pretty sure you only stopped yelling inside because you were depressed about your ex.” 

Thor laughed.  “It was a bit of both.  But truthfully, I thought you might like me more and feel more comfortable around me if I was not so loud.  Did it work?” 

“I asked you out, didn’t I?” Steve moved closer to Thor so that their arms were touching.  

“Yes, you did, Steven.  I just wanted to tell you…  That what I was like at the start…  Compared to what I was like after that…  I never loved you any less. I do not know what was wrong with me - maybe I will  _ never  _ know.  But regardless, you have always had my heart, even with Peter around.  ...Even though I seemed to play favourites with him all the time…” 

“...” 

“Seemed to play is not the right words.  I  _ did  _ play favourites,” Thor realised.  “I feel that I  _ still  _ played favourites before Peter got sick.  I was very unfair to you, Steven. Peter was in pain, and I wanted to heal him.  I became ignorant to your own suffering to the point that I would  _ yell  _ at you.  I cannot ask you to forgive me for that, Steven; there is nothing that  _ can  _ be forgiven.” 

“...” Steve closed his eyes and took a deep breath.  “...Thor… What you did to me… It ruined so much of my life - so much so, I don’t know if I can ever recover one-hundred percent from it.  ...But if you give me the chance… to see for myself that you aren’t that person anymore… I believe that people can change, Thor. I really do.” 

Thor gave a weak smile.  “Then I wish to become someone you can love again.” 

“I already  _ do  _ love you; it’s learning to trust you again that I need time with,” Steve promised.  He drank the last of his beer and pushed the bottle aside to open the next one. 

Thor nodded in understanding.  “Of course, Steven. Take as long as you need.  ...And, Steven…?”

“Yes?” 

“For the record…  I have always thought that you and James are the strongest people I know.  Please never think otherwise, sweetheart.” 

Steve closed his eyes to hold his tears at bay.  He wiped at his eyes hastily, biting his bottom lip as he nodded.  “...Thanks… Thank you, Thor. It means a lot…” 

“You are welcome, sweetheart.” Thor looked out to Peter to make sure he was still okay.  He was happy with Peter still playing in the sand, so he turned his attention back to Steve.  “What say we finish these beers and then go back to our room to keep your friends company?” 

Steve nodded.  “Sounds good to me.  Think we can drag Peter away from the beach peacefully?” 

“We can only hope.” Thor’s amused smile comforted Steve.  “Shall we bring some beers back for Barnes and Wilson?”

“Alcohol and Bucky isn’t a good mix, but Sam will love a bottle or two.” Steve couldn’t get enough of Thor’s thoughtfulness towards his friends.  He hugged Thor tight before he pulled away. “If we can find any plums, Bucky will love those, though.” 

“I think I would welcome food more than beer right now, too; perhaps a nice dinner at the restaurant is in the near future.” 

“Sure, Thor.  Sure; we can do that.” Steve downed the last of his beer before he stood up.  “Alright. Let’s go get Mr. Sandman and try to get him indoors.” 

Thor got up as well.  They hadn’t even descended the cement steps that would bring them down onto the beach before Steve had grabbed his arm and stopped him.  Thor smiled. “Yes?” 

“After dinner…” Steve’s cheeks were reddening, and Thor couldn’t help but smirk.  “...How about a walk? Just the two of us. Does that sound okay?” 

Thor kissed Steve’s forehead and nodded.  “Sweetheart… It sounds  _ perfect _ .” 


	26. Chapter 26

Peter didn’t mind when Thor asked to have the morning alone with Steve.  He’d noticed the night previous how close they’d seemed to have gotten over the couple hours they’d spent drinking together, and if letting them have their space meant that things would go back to how they used to be, Peter was only too glad to have waited behind in their room while Steve and Thor went off to breakfast together.  

Peter wasn’t alone.  Steve had already asked Sam to keep an eye on Peter and let him tag along, so that was a comfort; Peter may have been able to wander away on his own for a while, but he didn’t dare try to do that without knowing someone he trusted was within shouting range if anything happened.  Sam and Bucky were still in their bedroom together, and from where Peter stood by the bar fridge with his water bottle, he could hear their muffled voices through the closed bedroom door.

Peter put his water bottle back into the fridge so he could approach their door and knock.  It didn’t sound like he would be intruding on anything - and from what he knew of their relationship, he didn’t think he would be walking in on anything anyway. 

“Come in,” Sam’s cheerful voice answered Peter’s knock. 

Peter pushed the door open.  He felt his stomach swim with a strange feeling he couldn’t understand, as if he had just walked into a room full of the fluffiest puppies on earth and he was allowed to play with them all.  His breath was caught in his throat, and he felt his face burning as he ducked his head shyly. “You… You look p-pretty, Bucky…” 

Bucky, who was sitting cross-legged on the bed with Sam behind him, felt his own face flush at the compliment.  He nudged the side of his head into Sam’s palm where Sam was braiding his long locks, almost purring as his eyes closed and he relaxed into the gentle touch.  “...” 

Sam chuckled.  He fixed a hair tie around the braid before he let go of it and instead moved to kiss Bucky’s temple.  He smiled at Peter. “He’s adorable, isn’t he?” 

Bucky scoffed lightly.  His shoulders that had been tucked so tightly up to his ears seemed to lower at the compliment, and Sam wasn’t oblivious to it at all.  “I’m not adorable…” 

“When you pout like that, you gotta be the cutest thing I ever laid eyes on,” Sam teased lightly.  He watched as Bucky’s shoulders lowered a little more; despite Bucky’s protests, Sam knew just how much Bucky craved to hear the compliments.  Sam got off the bed so he could find a clean pair of socks. On the way, he called to Peter. “Ya know Steve used to braid Thor’s hair all the time?  When he cut his hair off, Steve called me and complained that now that didn’t know what to do with himself in the mornings.” 

Peter laughed.  He stepped further into the room now that he was relaxing a little more, finding that Sam seemed to have a way to make him feel comfortable in his presence.  “I didn’t know Thor had long hair. I wanna see it.” 

“Steve will have pictures; ask him to show ya,” Sam suggested.  He leant down to pick up his shoes before he stopped and asked, “What do you do with them in the mornings, Pete?” 

Peter shrugged.  “They’re always awake before me.  They wake up too early for me.” 

“Soldier habits.” Sam murmured the words with a great deal of resentment, and even Peter picked up on it.  He said nothing about it, though; Sam was continuing on, this time calmer. “I mean, wakin’ up early for work isn’t great either, but I definitely don’t miss those five am wake up calls.  I’m kinda jealous of Buck for sleepin’ through ‘til a normal hour.” 

Peter smiled, not knowing how else to respond.  “...” 

Sam returned the smile.  Now, his tone was so gentle, Peter almost wished he was over there with the other two, close enough to feel their warmth.  “Just a suggestion, Pete; you don’t gotta do it if ya don’t want to. But if you wake up early enough, and everyone is still home, the mornin’s are always a nice time to spend together.  I find ‘em perfect for bondin’.” 

Peter cocked his head to the side.  “Sometimes if I wake up, we watch TV together, Sam.  Or Steve draws pictures for me.” 

“I know Steve would appreciate it to no end if you took an interest in his hobbies,” Sam promised.  “Steve and I used to go runnin’ every mornin’ before work. I know that Thor doesn’t really understand much of Steve’s interests, and sometimes he’s too busy even if he did.  Would make them both over the moon if ya sat down with ‘em and asked to join in.” 

Peter frowned as he realised he didn’t know much of what Steve did in his free time.  He knew that Steve liked to draw, and sitting down with a coffee and the newspaper, but other than that… 

Peter looked up at Sam with an expression that matched a kicked puppy.  Shamefully, he admitted, “I don’t know what Steve likes, Sam… I just liked draggin’ him along with my own stuff…  I feel so bad. Steve knows what I like doin’, but I… I don’t really know what Steve does…” 

Sam saw Bucky get off the bed and leave the room from the corner of his eye.  It was probably a good thing, Sam knew; Bucky took peoples’ treatment of Steve seriously, and Sam was pretty sure Bucky wouldn’t hesitate to punch his lights out if he ever did something to upset Steve.  

Sam waited until the bedroom door had closed behind Bucky before he gestured to the bed and invited Peter to sit.  He waited until Peter had taken Bucky’s place before he leant against the wall and murmured, “Why don’t you sit down with Steve and ask him what he likes one day?  It’s never too late to get to know someone - you learn somethin’ new every day, really.”

“I…” Peter trailed off with uncertainty.

Sam continued on, knowing Peter just didn’t understand.  “See, with me and Barnes, it can be a little hard ‘cause Buck don’t feel much interest in things from his trauma.  He’s become so content to just lay in bed doin’ nothin’ all day, things he used to like are now things he doesn’t have any interest in anymore.  So it’s hard for us ‘cause I want him to get out of bed and do things that make him happy, but he doesn’t really have anything that  _ does  _ make him happy ‘cept for his friends and his cat.  I see the way he can’t light up unless someone sends him a text message.” 

Peter’s frown grew.  “Is that why Steve used to always try wake me up at stupid hours?  He hates when I don’t wanna get up.” 

Sam nodded.  “He doesn’t want to see ya wastin’ your life away, Peter.  He sees enough of that with Barnes.”

Peter ducked his head and stared at his lap as he processed everything.  When he looked back at Sam, he asked, “Okay, so what do you and Bucky do, then?” 

“I introduce him slowly to the things I like doin’ and hope he gets enjoyment out of it as well until he gets that mental energy back to return to his own interests.  We’re workin’ up to goin’ bird watchin’ together.” 

Peter hummed.  “...Steve won’t be mad if he knows I don’t know what he likes?” 

Sam shook his head.  “Of course not. He’ll just be happy you want to know.  I’ll give ya a little hint; ask him if he’ll take ya to the gym.  He hasn’t been for a while and it worries me ‘cause the exercise helped keep his moods level.” 

Now that Peter was thinking about it, Steve always did seem to disappear for a few hours on the regular, but those disappearances had slowly become lesser and lesser until they stopped altogether.  God, Peter felt so  _ fucking bad _ …! 

“He likes the gym…?” Peter whispered. 

“Yes; he loves it.” 

Peter nodded.  A resolute expression appeared on his face as he announced firmly, “Then I want to go to the gym with him, Sam.  What else does Steve like?” 

“He likes lots of things,” Sam promised.  “I’ll tell ya what… Ya come spend the mornin’ with Barnes and I, and after dinner, the two of us will sit down with Steve and I’ll play therapist for ya both.  But just this once; I try to keep my professional life away from my personal relationships - already told Barnes I won’t be his therapist if we’re datin’, Pete, and Steve has had the same sort of speel, too.” 

Peter nodded, thankful that Sam seemed to want to help him out.  “Okay. Thanks, Sam. ...Sorry I didn’t like you much before…” 

Sam chuckled.  He moved closer to wrap his arm around Peter’s shoulders and give him a friendly hug.  “Hey, I get it. You were competin’ for Barnes’ love - I get it. He’s a pretty little thing; I can’t blame you for gettin’ jealous.”

Peter gave a shy smile before he pulled away.  “Okay. Well, I’m ready to go, Sam; I just need shoes.” 

“Sure thing, man.  I’ll wait for you in the front room.” 

With that, Peter left Sam’s bedroom with a clearer picture in his head; maybe if he were good, Sam would be willing to help him learn how to be a good boyfriend.  

Peter couldn’t help the giddy smile on his face as he went back to his own bedroom; maybe things were going to go back to the way they used to be sooner than he thought had.

* * *

 

They didn’t go far from the apartment building.  Peter could understand why; though the lobby was a little loud, too, it was nothing compared to all of the guests outside who made it difficult to hear their own thoughts with all their chatter, and Bucky was already experiencing panic attacks at trying to get past the threshold of the entranceway - Peter couldn’t blame him for not wanting to go out.    

Peter glanced down at his wristwatch.  They’d been at this for a little over half-hour by now, Sam gently trying to coax Bucky outside.  Peter had almost thought that Sam would get frustrated or tired of dealing with it and take them back to their room, but Sam’s patience had never faltered, and somewhere along the way, Bucky’s fearful expression had turned into determination as he attempted the doorway again.  Sam had told Peter it was a good thing to see a bit of the old Bucky make an appearance with the stubbornness that hadn’t been seen in a long time. 

They’d made it outside, but Sam had been the one to say they weren’t going to go far for now and they would just look around at some of the kiosks and then go back upstairs for Bucky to unwind.  Peter hadn’t minded; he was content to stand with them and watch the way Sam held Bucky’s hand tightly and kept him grounded with his voice by talking about the items they found at each kiosk.

They’d made it to a gift kiosk when Peter almost ran into Bucky as Bucky stopped abruptly in his tracks.  Sam had noticed as well, so he stopped to let Bucky look at whatever had caught his attention. 

Peter had looked out to the ocean when he heard Sam ask, “You like that, baby?” 

Peter looked back to see Bucky holding something tight to his chest, as if he feared it would be taken from him.  Peter didn’t miss the tiny, hesitant nod that Bucky gave. 

Sam’s smile seemed to grow impossibly big, Peter thought, as Sam didn’t hesitate to pass money to the seller and then turn back to Bucky.  He put his free hand on Bucky’s shoulder and gave an affectionate squeeze as he murmured, “You are allowed to want, Buck. You deserve nice things.” 

Peter watched as Bucky raised whatever was in his arms so he could hide his face against it.  Now that the item was peeking over Bucky’s shoulder, Peter could see that it was a fluffy cat teddy, much like his raccoon that Steve had bought for him when he’d been sick.  It must have reminded Bucky of his own cat - the snowy white colouring, Peter figured - and that was something Peter understood so well, he wondered for the first time if Bucky leaving his cat at home was difficult for him, despite knowing that Thor had organised for the cat to be cared for in his absence.  

Peter didn’t want to think too much on it; it was bringing back memories of Rocket, and Peter didn’t want to ruin the moment.  Instead, he tugged at Sam’s shirt and asked, “Should I get somethin’ for Steve, Sam? Would he like that? ‘Cause Steve deserves nice stuff, too.” 

“Gifts are always welcomed,” Sam promised.  “Get him something you think he’s gonna like.” 

Peter hummed as he turned his attention to the kiosk.  There wasn’t too much left for sale; some keychains and badges…  Jewelry that didn’t look as nice as his wedding ring had and - o-oh…  He missed that wedding ring… 

But then, Peter found it.  The perfect thing, the gift that Peter  _ knew  _ Steve was going to love.  

“Sam, I wanna get Steve this.” Peter picked his gift up and showed it to Sam, his chest puffing out proudly as he thought about how much Steve was going to love this. 

Sam burst into laughter as his eyes locked onto the creepiest garden gnome he had ever come across.  He forced himself to settle down, and maybe it was a mischievous streak somewhere inside of him, but he couldn’t help but reach out to pat Peter’s head as he asked, “You think Steve is gonna love this, Pete?” 

Peter nodded adamantly.  “He will, Sam. I know it.”

Sam chuckled.  He pulled his wallet back out of his pants pocket to pay for the gnome he could swear would come alive at night and murder them all; he didn’t trust the garden shovel it was holding in its tiny hands at all.  “Alright, then, buddy. Let’s go back to our room for a while; I’ll get some food sent up.” 

Peter’s eyes lit up as he followed Sam back to the apartment building, so excited to give his present to Steve, he didn’t even notice Sam and Bucky, laughing quietly to themselves as they discussed the garden gnome.  

Steve was gonna love his present, and that was all that mattered. 

* * *

 

Steve and Thor came back to the room a couple hours later.  Peter was in his bedroom, so Sam took it upon himself to say, “The kid has a gift for you, Steve.  Try not to scream; I think he really likes it.” 

Steve couldn’t help but feel a little concerned by those words, but when Peter came out, holding a bag in his hand with a proud,  _ proud  _ smile on his face, Steve let his guard down and returned the smile.

“What did you get me, Peter?” Steve took the bag with excited anticipation; it had been a while since he’d received a gift, and he had to remember to thank Sam for undoubtedly suggesting for Peter to do so.  He opened it and reached in, not knowing what to expect, but he - christ, what the  _ fuck  _ was this?  “U-umm…” 

Peter was almost  _ bouncing  _ on the heels of his feet as he grinned, waiting to hear how much Steve liked his gift.  “...” 

Steve forced a smile onto his face as he tried to ignore the laughter that Sam and Bucky - even  _ Thor,  _ that traiter - were trying so hard to bite back.  “...T-thanks, Peter… Let’s… Let’s put him in my suitcase so he doesn’t get broken, okay?” 

Peter was oblivious to Steve’s discomfort; he was just so happy that Steve accepted his gift.  Steve, however, was certain he was going to have nightmares that night. 

* * *

 

The clock shone three-o-two in bright numbers, and Thor couldn’t help but sigh.  Peter and Steve had fallen asleep hours ago, not long after they’d all climbed into bed, but Thor couldn’t fall asleep; his mind just didn’t seem to want to shut off.

Thor wasn’t the only one awake, though; he’d been listening to the whispers from the other bedroom, knowing it was probably wrong of him to eavesdrop on Sam and Bucky’s conversations, but he could tell they were so content to spend the night just talking, Thor couldn’t help but be intrigued. 

They talked about life, Thor could tell.  Nothing really in particular, like how Sam’s days at work went, or what Bucky’s favourite book was.  Their conversations were deep, and Thor wondered if that was how they had gotten so close with each other.  There was no small talk between them; they spoke about their hopes and dreams, their fears, the nightmares they each had at night from their time in the war.  They encouraged each other, held each other up, and Thor felt strange at the realisation that he had probably learnt more about the both of them in just half a night than he had ever learnt about his own husbands in all their years of being together.  

“Do you miss him?”  That was Bucky whispering, Thor could tell.  He didn’t know who Bucky was referring to; this must have been a conversation they’d had in the past. 

“I do,” came Sam’s reply.  “Every damn day I can’t get his face out of my mind.  Every night I replay it over and over again in my mind.”

There was silence for a few moments before Bucky whispered again.  “Riley was lucky he had you, Sam. He was the luckiest man in the world.” 

Thor closed his eyes and tried to shut their whispers out now; the conversation was getting too intimate, and Thor didn’t think they’d appreciate him listening in on something like this.  

Thor still couldn’t sleep, even after he’d stopped listening in.  The clock showed four-eleven now, and he still wasn’t tired. Sam and Bucky were still whispering, but Thor had stopped listening long ago. 

That was probably why he was a little alarmed by the soft gasp that came from their bedroom.  Thor listened in closer again, making sure everything was okay; two traumatised vets in the same room probably wasn’t the best idea - especially one who could be as volatile as Bucky if provoked.  

“Baby, you sure?” Sam didn’t sound like Thor should be concerned, so Thor tried to shut off again.  He frowned at another gasp, this one accompanied by a moan that seemed to be coming from Bucky. Sam was speaking again, and Thor knew he  _ really  _ shouldn’t be listening.  “Baby, we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.” 

“I want to,” Bucky whispered back.  “I love you, Sam.” 

“I love you, too, but you don’t have to prove that to me with sex.  I already know you love me, honey. You don’t have to prove  _ anything  _ to me - especially with somethin’ you might not be one-hundred percent comfortable with doin’.” 

“I’m…  _ curious _ .  If I was ever gonna do it with someone, I’d rather experience it with you, Sam.  I know you’ll take care of me and won’t pressure me into it.” 

There was silence again for a few moments more before Sam whispered tenderly, “Sit on my lap and ride me; it doesn’t hurt as much, baby.”

Thor squeezed his eyes shut and tried to fill his mind with anything  _ but  _ what was happening in the next room.  He tried to pretend their whispers hadn’t evolved into soft moans and groans, and that the gentle squeaking of their mattress was just someone pacing about in another room. 

Thor couldn’t block it out, though; not when he realised just how gentle the sex seemed to be in the other room, and he’d probably never in his life made Steve - or even  _ Peter  _ for that matter - feel as safe and loved and  _ comfortable  _ as Sam was doing for Bucky.  

Thor wrapped his arms tighter around his husbands and held them close to his chest.  He kissed each of their foreheads as he tried to will himself into sleep. He couldn’t help but stress; what if being privy to the intimacy next door had him doing something he would only regret? 

Thor reached down to touch his groin.  He could have cried tears of relief when he realised he really wasn’t even the tiniest bit hard; whatever sexual predator he had been seemed to have been conquered, because Thor knew himself well enough to know that had this been happening back before he’d gotten himself help, Sam and Bucky wouldn’t be the only ones having sex. 

Somehow, just the knowledge that Thor had enough of a grip on himself now was enough to lessen the burden on his shoulders and help him get to sleep.  


	27. Chapter 27

Steve wasn’t used to being woken before his body roused him, especially not during the week they had been at the resort for.  Thor tended to let him wake up on his own unless he was in danger of sleeping in and being late for work, and Peter was only ever awake so early if he was sick.  Instinctively, Steve reached out to push away the hand shaking his shoulder incessantly. “Peter, stop shakin’ me… M’wake…” 

“Steve.” It wasn’t Peter.  “Steve.” 

As sleepy as Steve still was, he opened his eyes and frowned.  He rolled onto his side, trying not to disturb Peter who was pressed almost on top of his right side.  He looked at Bucky, standing over the bed with a look of embarrassment and fear on his face. “Buck?” 

Bucky dropped his head to stare at his feet pointedly.  Steve didn’t even need to see how soaked Bucky’s pants were to realise Bucky had wet the bed again from nightmares.  “...”

Steve forced away his tiredness to tend to his friend.  “It’s okay, Buck. It was an accident. It happens; we deal with it every time.  It was an accident.”

Bucky mumbled so quietly, Steve almost couldn’t hear him.  “I didn’t get it on Sam, Steve… I didn’t.”

“Jump in the shower, Buck.” Steve got out of bed and stretched.  “We’ll go get coffee.” 

Bucky mumbled again, as if he were trying to convince himself rather than Steve.  “I didn’t get it on Sam…” 

“I know,” Steve reassured.  “Shower. I’ll get you clean clothes.” 

Bucky left for the bathroom, and when Steve heard the shower turn on, he picked his phone up from the bedside table and checked the time; four-thirty, and knowing Bucky, it would be at least another half-hour before he would stop crying and get out of the shower. 

Bucky made an appearance just after five.  Thor had already woken by then, so once Bucky got dressed and Steve had told Thor what had happened, the two of them left together, heading for the coffee shop within walking distance they knew to be open twenty-four-seven. 

Bucky didn’t speak.  The nightmares must have been particularly bad, and Steve felt even worse for him at knowing first hand how he felt; Steve couldn’t say he also wet the bed from the nightmares, but at one point in his life, he had woken every night screaming bloody murder.  There had been a reason they’d been kicked out of every apartment building they’d tried to live in together until they finally found a house with some distance between the neighbours, but every now and then they’d still gotten complaints. 

“It’s nothing to be ashamed about,” Steve promised as he held open the coffee shop door for Bucky to enter behind him.  “You haven’t done that for a while. It’s okay.” 

Still, Bucky didn’t speak; he just followed behind Steve with a lifeless look on his face, as if he were nothing more than a walking zombie.

They spent an hour at the coffee shop, sitting together in silence as they drank their coffees slowly.  The suffering never left Bucky’s face, not even when Steve suggested they head back and go for a nice walk together to try and get their minds off things.  Bucky didn’t protest; he was in no condition to do so. 

Steve tried to make small talk as they walked back to the resort.  He didn’t expect any response, so he wasn’t upset when the silence on Bucky’s end never ceased.  They passed the apartment building and headed for the beach, a salty breeze following them as they left their footprints in the sand.

Bucky spoke after a while.  His tone was so quiet, so  _ depressed _ , and Steve just wished there was something he could do to help him. “I dreamt that I killed Sam…  I dreamt that he was being so nice to me, and I just… I killed him for it. The look on his face, Steve, he - he was  _ scared  _ of me, and I…  I  _ killed  _ him...” 

That explained why Bucky had come to Steve for help, Steve knew.  Steve’s eyes closed. “You won’t hurt Sam, Buck. You never would.” 

“I have before, though…”  Bucky let out a miserable sigh.  “I’ve even hurt  _ you  _ before, Steve…  I’m not worth everything you both do for me…”

“Yes, you are,” Steve promised adamantly. “I love you, Buck.  You’re worth  _ everything _ .  What happened back then…  It’s not who you are, Buck.  You’re not a killer. You’re the sweetest guy I know.” 

“I  _ have  _ killed before!” Bucky argued with tears in his eyes. 

“Yes.  But not because you  _ wanted  _ to, Buck,” Steve assured gently.  “You didn’t have a choice. The things they did to you…  No one could have done differently.”

“I could have…  But I chose not to - because I was selfish…” Bucky gave a wistful sigh.  His eyes clouded over with that distant look Steve knew all too well. 

Steve didn’t want Bucky going back into his head and reliving his worse memories, not when he’d been doing so well.  He grabbed Bucky’s wrist and stopped them, on the middle of the beach with only the clump of palm trees off in the distance moving with the wind.  He was as gentle as he could be as he murmured, “You’ve been happier, Buck.” 

Bucky blinked the haze from his eyes a few times before he frowned at Steve.  He licked his lips with uncertainty before he murmured, “...You… You think so…?” 

“You don’t feel happier?” 

Again, Bucky hesitated to respond.  “...I don’t know… Why do you think that?” 

Steve gave a gentle smile.  He brushed stray hair out of Bucky’s eyes before he murmured, “Look at you, Buck.  You’re looking  _ great  _ lately.  Nice and clean.  You smell nice; what spray are you using?  Your hair is so clean and soft and I see how you’ve been trying out new hairstyles.  And your clothing… Everything you brought here is new, isn’t it? It’s all… It’s  _ nice _ .  You  _ look  _ nice in it, Buck.  You’re putting effort into your appearance.” 

Bucky’s frown grew.  He shook his head. “I’m not, really…  Sam… Sam says I deserve nice things, so I try and look nice for Sam.” 

Steve smiled.  He cupped Bucky’s cheek before he murmured, “You  _ always  _ look nice, Buck; you are so handsome.  It’s just great to see you treating yourself the way you  _ deserve  _ to be treated.” 

Bucky shook his head.  He opened his mouth to argue, to protest and say how he was such a hideous person, inside and out, and sometimes he felt so  _ guilty  _ for making Sam settle with something like  _ him _ .  

But whatever Bucky had had on the tip of his tongue vanished when he noticed two figures out in the distance, too far away to see clearly, but close enough to have noticed them coming out of the treeline.  They didn’t act as if they’d seen Bucky or Steve, so Bucky forced himself to keep his cool. He ignored them and said, “Steve… I’m  _ not  _ worth all this.  I can’t even  _ dream  _ without hurting Sam.  I just… I think I should -”

“- Remember how many times we’ve had this conversation, Buck?” Steve interrupted firmly.  “And every time I say the same thing. You  _ are  _ worth all this, and if you finish that sentence, I’ll send Tony around to collect all your guns and keep them away from you and give you a room in his mansion where you will be  _ safe _ from  _ yourself _ , Bucky.  I mean it.” 

“I  _ don’t  _ want to  _ hurt anyone,  _ Steve!” Bucky wailed.  “I’m  _ terrified  _ of it!  I can’t even leave my  _ house  _ because I’m so afraid that if I go into public, I’ll just - I’ll  _ kill  _ someone!  Someone  _ innocent _ !  Or someone’ll try and kill  _ me!   _ I can’t go through it again, Steve!” 

“Bucky.” Steve took Bucky’s face in both of his hands to force eye contact.  “Bucky. Listen to me. If I thought you could  _ ever  _ kill somebody innocent, I would  _ never  _ let you collect all those guns in the first place.  I know they make you feel safe to have them, so I keep my mouth shut, even though it stresses me to no end knowing you have all those with how you feel about life.  If I thought you were  _ ever  _ capable of going out into public and  _ murdering  _ someone for  _ no reason other than they were there _ , I would never be the one to take you out of your house with guns beneath your clothing.”

Bucky opened his mouth to protest against this, to argue that he  _ was  _ dangerous and the world would be better off without someone like  _ him  _ in it, but Steve raised a single finger to lip and pressed gently, asking for his silence until Steve had finished speaking.

“I know they make you feel safe; I know I can trust you to use them only to protect yourself or the people you care about,” Steve continued.  “I know I can trust you to go out with them and come home  _ without  _ murder on your hands, Bucky.  Because if I thought you were even the tiniest bit capable of murder…  I wouldn’t have fought as hard as I did to get you out of that psychiatric hospital they put you in shortly after we were discharged and take care of you on my own.  I would have left you there - for  _ everyone’s  _ safety.  But I didn’t.  Because I  _ know you,  _ Bucky.  I  _ know  _ you.  And what those…  Those  _ monsters  _ made you do…  They weren’t the actions of the James Buchanan Barnes  _ I  _ know.  They were the actions of a prisoner of war desperately clinging to life with little hope for survival anyway.  Don’t forget, Buck…  _ I  _ pulled the trigger, too.  Several times. Am  _ I  _ a monster for what I did?”

Bucky’s eyes were wide now.  He didn’t hesitate to shake his head and whimper, “N-no…  Steve,  _ no _ .  You wanted to  _ protect  _ me - that’s all…” 

“And  _ you  _ wanted to protect  _ yourself,  _ Bucky,” Steve growled, his own eyes widening as well as he realised that, for the first time, his own actions all that time ago were finally making sense to him.  “If  _ you  _ are a monster, then so am  _ I, _ but you’re  _ not,  _ Buck.  You’re  _ not _ .  You did what you had to do because you wanted to survive.  Someone who went through what you did at their hands will  _ never  _ be a monster - not for the way you’ve chosen to cope with all this.  You are the gentlest…  _ sweetest  _ person I know, Buck.  My Bucky, and the soldier they tried to shape you into… will  _ never  _ be the same person.” 

Bucky’s eyes closed.  A single tear rolled down his cheek.  He didn’t move for the longest time, but finally, Steve felt him nudge against his palm still against Bucky’s cheek.  Steve smiled now.

Bucky’s eyes opened, and with his cheek still pressed into Steve’s palm, he whispered, “You expect me to drop all this baggage…  And you carry around even more than I do, Steve…” 

Steve shrugged.  He chewed at his lip for a few moments before he murmured, “The stuff going on in my life  _ is  _ hard…  But it’s not anything I can’t handle, Buck.  I didn’t really see it until just now; I was choosing to deal with it all wrong.  But I think I know what I need to do now. So how about a deal? You don’t have to believe in yourself, Buck.  But believe in  _ me  _ believing in you.  If you can do that…  I’ll deal better with my own shit, too.  How about that?”

Bucky didn’t hesitate to nod.  He nuzzled the warm palm he hoped would never leave his cheek.  His eyes closed again as he melted into the comfort, but just as he opened his mouth to say something, they were startled away from each other by a faint scream coming from the treeline. 

Bucky was the first to start running over to the two outlines they had seen emerging just minutes ago.  It was moments like these that made Steve question  _ how  _ Bucky could think so poorly of himself when Bucky’s feet had moved in an instant to go help while Steve was still standing there, trying to work out what had happened; why couldn’t Bucky just  _ see  _ the good man he truly was? 

Steve caught up with Bucky, and the closer they got, the easier it was to make out what was happening under the red coating the sunrise draped over them; one of the two individuals had their arm moving in a repetitive movement that was unmistakably throwing punches, drawing screams from the second person who sounded like a female.  Judging by the much smaller stature of the one cringing away from the punches, they  _ were  _ a young female.  

Steve and Bucky weren’t close enough to do anything yet, and their time in the army had taught them that alerting the attacker to their presence could end in disaster for them all - it would be much easier to keep their presence concealed until they were within arm’s range.  

Maybe it had been a bad idea, though.  The punches stopped, and the glint of a blade reflected off the rising sun.  The screams didn’t betray the suggestive image of the knife being embedded into the woman’s stomach, and the blood that couldn’t be mistaken for anything else had Bucky freezing up from his blood phobia, unable to stop seeing the blood and gore that had once coated his entire body for weeks on end without reprieve. 

Steve’s first instinct was to stop and help Bucky, trapped in those same horrible memories that Steve shared, but if he did that, another person would die because of them, and Steve wasn’t prepared for more blood on their hands - not when all Steve wanted was to  _ help  _ the people who needed it.  

Steve tackled the man away from his victim, but it wasn’t without injury; he felt the slice of a knife in his arm, and the sudden wetness of his skin told him everything he had to know.  Steve was big, strong and formidable, but so was the other man, and Steve wished Bucky was in his right mind to help because so long of being out of the army had him questioning just how much of his old combat skill he still retained after all this time.  

“Stop!  Stop!” Steve shouted.  He had hold of the other’s wrist, squeezing tightly to try and stop the knife from being brought down into his shoulder.  “Drop it!” 

Steve winced when he felt the tip of the knife dig into his shoulder.  Despite his strength, he was out of practise with real combat situations, and he found himself wishing he had kept up with his army training.

Steve dropped his body to the side to throw the man off-balance before he retaliated with a blow to the cheekbone with his elbow, but it wasn’t enough to keep the man down; Steve was faced yet again with the knife, and it didn’t look like the man was going to stop any time soon.  

Steve’s legs were sweeped out from under him.  He hit the sand hard on his back, almost too dazed to throw his hands out and catch the man’s wrists again.  He could feel the knife getting lower and lower, but whatever pain he had anticipated never came, because in the blink of an eye, a big bulky mass had come out of nowhere and tackled the man away from Steve. 

Steve watched as Bucky managed to disarm their attacker.  His face was twisted into an almost feral expression, but Steve could worry about that later; he helped Bucky get the attacker on the ground before he turned his attention to the stabbing victim. 

She was bleeding heavily, but she was conscious, and Steve could see the panic in her face.  He took no notice of Bucky chanting to himself in the background; he pulled his phone from his pocket and called for an ambulance.

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Steve was holding her hand, squeezing tightly as he hastily explained the situation to the emergency line.  He scrunched his eyes shut a few times so he wouldn’t have to see the blood, but whatever blood phobia he also shared with Bucky was, for this moment, nothing but a huge lump in his throat he could swallow down in the seriousness of the moment.

Steve ended the call and kept pressure on the woman’s wounds to try and stem the bleeding.  He looked over his shoulder at Bucky as he did so, checking to see if he was injured as well.  Despite the blood staining his long-sleeves, Bucky didn’t seem to be too hurt; not when he was standing over the man, with his boot pressed down on their attacker’s throat in a gentle restraint as he chanted to himself, “I am not a weapon”, over and over again, like he could come to magically believe it if he said it enough times. 

Steve couldn’t do anything about it; not until police and paramedics had arrived to tend to the scene, and Steve and Bucky were sitting in the back of an ambulance to have their wounds treated.

Steve hated blood as much as Bucky did, but he could swallow it down when times called for it and he had to take charge.  But now that the action was over, he felt his stomach churn as he struggled to tear his eyes away from the blood that was being wiped from Bucky’s already-scarred left arm.  Bucky was still chanting to himself, but he didn’t seem to be in any danger of slipping into disassociation as he tended to do in these moments; Steve was sure he was just self-soothing, and it seemed to be working - probably something Sam had taught him, and Steve would have to remember to buy Sam the best alcohol he could find. 

Their wounds were only minor; some gashes on Steve’s shoulder and arm that had been glued back together, and gashes on Bucky’s palm, wrist, neck and cheek that had cotton pads taped and bandaged over them once they’d been stitched.  

They didn’t stay in the ambulance for long.  Police interviews took longer, really, but before they knew it, the sun had risen and they had been left alone to traverse through the crowds of curious guests who wanted to stick their nose into what had happened.  

They didn’t speak until they’d gotten into the apartment building and rode the elevator up to their deserted floor.  Bucky broke the silence as Steve fished the key out of his pocket. 

“I didn’t kill him, Steve…” Bucky sounded as if he were in utter disbelief, like he didn’t believe he  _ could  _ let someone escape with their life.  “Why…?”

Steve winced at the question.  Regardless, he answered. “Because I told you this morning, Buck.  You’re not a monster. You  _ saved  _ a life this morning.”

“I couldn’t have, Steve…  I  _ couldn’t  _ have.” 

“But you did.  You snapped yourself out of those memories to save me, Buck.  That woman and I  _ both  _ could have died today.  But you saved my life  _ and  _ hers.” Steve grabbed Bucky’s shoulder and squeezed tightly.  “Bucky. There’s blood on  _ both  _ our hands.  There will  _ always  _ be blood on our hands. We can’t change what we did back then.  But today… We  _ saved  _ a life, Buck.  What we did will always stick with us, but for just this moment…  Please let yourself realise that you  _ had  _ a choice today, and you  _ chose  _ to do the right thing - because that’s the kind of person you  _ are _ , Buck.  ...That’s… the kind of  _ people we are _ .  If you can believe just  _ one thing  _ about your actions…  Believe that when you are given the choice…  You  _ are  _ a good person, Buck.  You’re not going to hurt anyone.  Not when you have  _ choice _ .” 

Bucky was silent for the longest time before a tiny smile broke across his face.  “Hey, Steve…? It kinda feels good to know I saved someone.” 

Steve smiled back. He wrapped his arm around Bucky and led him into their room.  “I know, Buck. Have a bit more confidence in yourself, okay? Believe in yourself; you’re not as terrible as you think you are.” 

Bucky leant in close for a hug.  Steve returned it only too happily.  When they broke apart, Bucky nestled in close against Steve.  “You’re the best, Steve…” 

Steve continued holding his friend.  He dropped his chin on top of Bucky’s head and let out a content sigh.  “Yeah? Is Sam a close second or am I okay to relax for a while longer?” 

Bucky chuckled.  “Punk.” 

“Jerk.” Steve closed his eyes as he felt his stress slowly melting away.  

They remained in silence for a few moments before Bucky whispered, “I want… to try have dinner with everyone tonight.  At the restaurant.” 

Steve hummed.  It was certainly a first for Bucky to want to put himself in the way of the strangers he so adamantly avoided - but if Bucky wanted to try, no way was Steve going to discourage him for being so courageous.  “Of course, Buck. Do you want me to bring you a menu up so you can decide what you want before we go down?” 

Bucky nodded.  Steve let go so he could move about the room and unwind from what had happened.  He stopped and looked back to Bucky when he felt his wrist being tugged at. “Steve…?  For what it’s worth… With all the burdens you carry around, too, you… You can relax. I want to relax, too.  I’m tired of carrying everything around all the time.” 

Steve’s eyes closed as he let out a sigh.  “Buck… We’ve got this. Together.” 

“I can’t do it on my own, but… None of it is anything you can’t handle on your own.” Bucky’s hands fumbled together as he offered a small smile.  “Thor’s trying. My mind is starting to change about him. So is Sam’s. And everything else stressing you, Steve… You can get through it. I  _ know  _ you can.” 

Steve sighed again.  He pinched the bridge of his nose before he gave a small nod.  He offered his own smile and murmured, “Thanks, Buck… I’m doing my best.” 

“I can tell.  And I’m sorry I drag you down with me, Steve - I don’t want to keep being like that.  I’m really trying… Sam’s helping me; he says I can lean on him, too - I don’t have to keep dumping everything on you all the time.  I’m trying, Steve… I just need time.” 

Steve patted Bucky’s head.  “I know. I’m proud of you, you big goofball.  Come here.” 

They hugged again, not breaking apart for a few minutes until Bucky pulled away to murmur, “I’m gonna go take a nap, Steve…” 

“I’ll join you.” Steve certainly did feel drained himself; hopefully a nap was what he needed to recharge his batteries. 

* * *

 

Steve was already awake and watching the TV when Thor, Peter and Sam all returned together.  Thor took one look at the bandage on Steve’s arm before he’d rushed over to the couch and knelt between Steve’s knees to take his arm gingerly.

“Steven…” Thor sounded like he might cry.  “What happened, sweetheart?” 

Steve watched Sam hurry into his bedroom to find Bucky.  He turned his attention back to Thor once Sam had disappeared from his sight.  “Somebody pulled a knife on a woman while Buck and I were out this morning. I’m fine, Thor.  Really. It’s just some scratches.” 

Thor chewed at his lip.  Steve instinctively expected for him to push the issue and not his word for it.  But instead, Thor took a deep breath, squeezed Steve’s arm, and asked, “How is James…?  Is the woman okay?” 

“Buck’s going to be okay, and I think the woman will be, too.” Steve wrapped his arm around Peter once Peter clambered onto the couch to cuddle in against him.  “Really, Thor. Everyone’s fine.” 

“...Not just physically…?” Thor whispered.  His eyes were wide, and Steve could see the panic in his eyes.  It was a little frustrating that Thor still seemed to overworry, but at the same time, Steve knew how hard he was trying to not be overbearing at the same time.  

“Not just physically,” Steve promised.  “Not just physically.”

Thor let out a heavy breath.  His nod was stiff, as if he still wasn’t completely convinced, but knew better than to argue.  “Okay. Okay, Steven.” 

Steve felt himself relaxing now, too; he had never realised just how much it helped to know that he wasn’t going to have to get worked up arguing with Thor.  “Thank you.”

Thor nodded again.  He changed the subject, knowing it would do no good to continue pursuing the subject.  “Peter bought you another gift while we were out, Steven.”

Steve smiled at Peter.  His husband’s presents as of late had definitely been a step up from his garden gnome, and the best one yet had probably been the random bread toaster Steve had woken up to on the mattress beside him, but still, Steve worried that Peter was overdoing it.  He accepted the little box Peter had pulled from his pocket, and with a soft thank you, he unwrapped the paper from it. He couldn’t help but laugh when he was presented with a box of condoms. He shook his head, his smile loving. “Peter, you don’t have to get me something every time you go out.  I promise.” 

“I love you, though.” Peter pouted.  

“I know you do, and you don’t have to prove that to me with gifts, Peter.  Just being with me is enough.” 

Peter’s pout grew for a few seconds before it was replaced with a bright smile.  “Okay~ I love you~” 

“I love you, too,” Steve promised.  He tightened his hold on Peter as he reached out to hug Thor as well.  “And you, too, Thor. I love you, too.” 


	28. Chapter 28

“Do me a favour?  A really big one?” 

Bucky looked up from the stray cat in Steve’s front yard he was trying to coax closer with a tin of tuna.  He didn’t hesitate to nod at Steve, willing to jump off a cliff if Steve asked him to. “Sure, what is it?” 

Steve smiled at the cat that was cautiously approaching.  He could see the excitement in Bucky’s face about it, so he chose his words carefully to avoid upsetting his friend.  “We organised for Peter to do some gardening at his friends’ home. We don’t think he still remembers them well, but his sister lives there, too.  We aren’t sure if he’s going to remember them or not when he sees them, but do you think you could get Peter to get to know them again? He’ll be too nervous on his own.” 

Bucky tensed visibly.  He ducked his head, a frown appearing on his face.  His lips moved wordlessly for a few moments before he said, “Do  _ me  _ a favour?  A really big one?” 

Steve watched Bucky scoop up the cat now that it had come close enough.  “Of course, Buck. Anything you want.” 

“Good.” Bucky straightened his back and gave the cat a few good strokes before he passed it over to Steve.  “She’s a girl. Used to be someone’s pet, but probably lost or abandoned. She’s skinny, but collared and desexed.  Friendly, too. Can you see if she still has an owner? And if she doesn’t, can you keep her for me?” 

A knowing smirk crossed Steve’s face now.  “Ah, so in return for making friends, you want me to have a pet cat.” 

“Well, I don’t want anything to happen to her.” Bucky shrugged.  “‘Sides, Sam has birds, and he said that when I move in with him, I can’t have any more cats until he cat-proofs his aviaries.  He says I can have as many cats as I want once he does that.”

“So what you’re  _ really  _ asking is for me to babysit this cat for you until Sam says you can have her.” Steve chuckled as Bucky blushed furiously.  “It’s okay. It’s a small price to pay for you and Peter making friends.” 

Bucky gave a shy nod.  He licked his lips before he asked, “Where’s Pete, anyway?” 

“Upstairs.  He bought some blankets for Mary’s bed, and he wants to do that before he goes.”  Steve scratched the cat beneath the chin and smiled as she purred in return. “Are you nervous?” 

“For what?” 

“Moving in with Sam.  You haven’t lived with anyone since I moved in with Thor.” 

“Oh…  Yeah, I’m a bit nervous, but I’m excited, too.” Bucky’s smile became shyer.  “He’s taking the week off work next week to help me move.” 

“You’ll be okay.  You’re safe with him,” Steve promised.  

Bucky hummed in agreement.  “I know. It’s just… gonna be a lot to get used to…  But I think I’ll be a lot happier living with Sam.” 

“I know you will be,” Steve said gently.  “What should we call your cat?” 

Bucky laughed.  “I’ll let you know when I know, too.” 

They talked a little more between them, the conversation as easy as ever, until Peter came outside with a backpack slung over his shoulders.  He looked excited, and Steve knew he was when Peter barely stopped to give him a hug and kiss goodbye before he got into the passenger seat of his own car and waited for Bucky to join him.  

Steve clapped Bucky on the shoulder after they’d shared their own hug.  “Are you sure you’ll be alright with what I asked you?” 

Bucky stiffened again, but still, he gave a slow nod.  His fingers twitched before he shrugged his jacket out of the way so he could take his pistol from its holster.  He handed it over to Steve hesitantly, with a brief look of panic at the uneasiness of handing over one of his only means of being able to leave his house.  

Steve shook his head and gently pushed Bucky’s hand back to himself.  “No, Buck. You keep that. I trust you.” 

Bucky swallowed past the golf ball in his throat before his expression steeled into determination.  He nodded. “I… I will be okay, Steve. I know I will be.”

Steve smiled back, just glad to see that Bucky was still making progress after what had happened at the resort.  As sad as it was to think about, Steve sometimes wondered what would have happened had Bucky had a chance to show himself that he  _ wasn’t  _ a killer sooner.  

“I’ll call you soon and check on you,” Steve called out as he watched Bucky get into the car.  He waved back when the car was started and the two occupants waved goodbye. Once they were out of sight, Steve went inside and emptied the tin of tuna into a bowl for Bucky’s new cat. When he was content with the cat being safe in the kitchen for a while, he went upstairs to see the comforter set Peter had bought the day before.  He hadn’t even stepped through the doorway before he almost had a heart attack. Steve honestly didn’t know what was worse; the comforter set decorated with what Peter had undoubtedly thought were unicorns but looked more like sets of rainbow dicks, or the garden gnome Peter had gotten him at the resort that had been tucked in beneath the blankets like a child and was staring him down with pure evil in its eyes.  

“Thor!” Steve moved into the room to pick the gnome up and put it on the desk beside the bed.  He waited until Thor had poked his head inside before he said, “Did you give Peter the gnome or did it come in here itself while no one was looking?” 

Thor was laughing heartily as he came into the room to pick the gnome up himself.  “I gave it to him earlier. Would you like for me to put it on your bedside drawers instead~?” 

Steve blanched as Thor burst into raucous laughter.  “Do you think Peter would notice if I buried this somewhere far away?” 

“Sweetheart, I think it would come back that night while we are all asleep,” Thor teased. 

Steve scrunched his nose up.  “You like that thing?” 

“I think it is cute~” Thor smiled.  “Peter has good taste in garden decorations~” 

“Oh, Thor, no…” Steve turned his back to Thor to sigh down at the bed.  He gestured to it in distaste before he said, “Mary can’t have this, Thor.  Did you see him buy this?” 

Thor scratched his cheek guiltily and looked away.  “I thought they were unicorns…” 

“You both need to have your eyes checked; these look  _ nothing  _ like unicorns!  They look more like someone tied a rainbow wig to their dick, Thor!” 

Thor couldn’t help but laugh.  “Steven, I have not heard you joke for so long.  I am sorry; I will go buy Mary something new.” 

Steve hummed in agreement as he stripped the bed of its sheets.  He turned around when Thor said something he hadn’t caught. “What was that?” 

“I said, you care about Mary.” Thor was smiling like an idiot, and Steve couldn’t help but feel relaxed at the sight.  “You care about her blankets.” 

“...” Steve sighed.  “Maybe, Thor. Maybe…” 

“You do~  You do, Steve~  I am so happy~” 

“Yeah, well…  Apparently  _ someone  _ has to have some brains in this family.” Steve’s tone was so light and teasing, his smile warmed Thor like nothing he had felt before.  He turned back to the bed before he remembered something important. “Wait. I have something to show you.” 

Thor followed Steve back to their own bedroom.  He stood by the bed and watched as Steve opened a drawer and rummaged inside, resurfacing with three small boxes that looked almost as if they’d been burnt from the black singes on the outsides.  Steve opened them all, checking the contents, before he put one back in the drawer, kept one for himself and threw the other to Thor. 

“Open it.” Steve smiled. 

Thor did so, and he barely registered the tears running down his cheek as he looked at what had once been his wedding ring, looking untouched by the fire he had been certain had claimed all three.  He looked back to Steve with disbelief in his face. “How did you…?” 

“Buck’s pretty good at finding things.  We went for a drive to see if we could salvage anything of yours.  We couldn’t find much… But Buck found these, and they look like they all survived pretty well.” 

Thor wiped at his eyes.  He sniffed back tears before he moved to embrace Steve tightly.  “I love you, Steven… I love you…” 

“I love you, too, Thor.” Steve returned the hug.  When he pulled away, he wiped tears from Thor’s face and murmured, “Want to come meet Bucky’s new cat?  He has a habit of picking them up off the streets. This one he blackmailed me with looking after for him so he’ll take care of Peter today.” 

Thor chuckled.  “He loves cats.” 

“He really does.”  As if speaking about Bucky had summoned him himself, Steve’s phone vibrated in his pocket, and Bucky’s name was on the screen. 

Steve opened the message, seeing it was a single photo.  He smiled at what he found; Peter, sitting on his friends’ couch, with his sister beside him and his friends putting out plates of food.  Peter looked happy, pleased with himself, as if he’d known them his entire life. 

“Thor?” Steve texted back, telling Bucky to go join them instead of sitting off to the side on his own.  “I don’t think there’s going to be much gardening happening there; Peter looks like he’s having too much fun to remember he’s supposed to be there to garden.” 

Thor smiled back.  He slung his arm around Steve’s shoulders and held him close as they continued walking.  “Perfect. Now James just has to make friends.” 

Sure enough, a few hours later, Steve’s phone vibrated again, and this time it was with a selfie, with Peter clearly having snatched Bucky’s phone to take photos with his sister and a reluctant looking, yet less anxious Bucky. 

Steve was just glad that everything seemed to be falling into place for everyone.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hate endings. I always feel like I am so bad with them and that sometimes they just don't do the story justice. This one is no exception. There was more that I wanted to expand on; things like Peter and Mary's relationship, and a bit more elaboration on characters' backgrounds. But this story is already so long, and with all the angst in it, I didn't dare drag it out any longer than I already have and worked on resolves for everything. I definitely didn't anticipate this being almost thirty chapters long; the events I had in mind took a lot more than I had expected them to. But here it is; an ending I am not entirely happy with, but I think is a nice little ending for the amount of angst that was in this. 
> 
> Also I apologise for not really having much smut in this unlike the first one; I had wanted to put it in, but it never really felt appropriate to do so. And by the time everything started to be tied up, I reflected back onto how the last story ended on a sexual note. I didn't want to do that with this one. I don't advocate the message that sex fixes problematic relationships. I don't advocate that it's an answer for everything. I felt this was more appropriate to end with the idea that they still aren't having sex, and that's just fine because with everything that happened, sex is the last thing on any of their minds but they still have love enough for each other to do without it. What happens from here on in is up to your imagination.
> 
> And finally... I swear I didn't mean for this to get so Bucky-centric at times, but I just couldn't help myself, hehe. No apologies from me though ;)


End file.
